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Sfstory Log 024

Subject:     Wherein plots are patched {part 1}
From:        Patrick McCoy (cbsqehc at bostonu)

     A golden glow peacefully illuminated the figure who sat, sipping
a cup of tea on the deck that looked over all of creation in the plane
of existance kown as altiverse #233Don'ttryitauthorsonly. He was busying
himself with a tattered copy of *A Midsummernight's Dream* for the better
part of the afternoon and was ready to take a nap. He removed the  sword
which hung at his side and snuggled down deeper into the comfortable
     This idyllic scene was suddenly shattered as the door to the deck
was thrown open by another author whose golden hue was tinted red.
the irate author of Irish decent (nasty temper) at the top of his lungs.
     This made Eric, Lord Sabre, master of said weapon and swashbuckling
type in the vein of Erol Flynn tumble out of his chair quite clumsily in
a rather startled manner.
     |-}------ What do you mean? -----{-| stammered the startled author
as he fumbled for his weapon.
     ++YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT I MEAN!++ growled Patrick
     |-}------ I told you Trudy couldn't know about her future! -----{-|
     ++SHE DOESN'T...or didn't, at least. UNTIL YOU STOLE THE PLOTLINE!++
     |-}------ What do you mean? ------{-|
     ++LOOK!++ said the author, calming down somewhat, holding out his copy
of the book.
     |-}------ Where? ------{-|
     ++Here! Where it says, and I quote, "Toni quickly hypnotized her and
ran to her room to gather her things." ++
     The air, for the first time since the dream destruction of New York
at the onset of the work know as SFSTORY, was still in the land of the
     |-}------ Oops. ------{-|
     ++Oops?! OOPS!!++
     |-}------ Now calm down, Pat... ------{-|
     |-}------ Well, whay could I say? ------{-|
     Patrick was about to yell back a brilliant response when he suddenly
discovered he had none.
     ++OK, good point,++ Pat finally responded as he returned to his
usual relatively calm state of being, ++So how are we going to get ourself
out of this? This is a major temporal abnormality!++
     |-}------ I don't know. ------{-|
     Pat and Eric scratched their heads. A blade of grass drifted down
from where it had been resting in Pat's hair since he had arrived earlier
this morning. The two authors smiled at each other and ran to the stairwell.

     "Absolutely not!" said the Supreme Being as the three gathered poolside
in God's immaculately mowed and trimmed 60.5 acre back yard that put Versailles
to shame.
     ++But, God...++
     "The Holy Erasers are off limits, boys. I know the two of you have
gotten yourselves in big trouble, but you're going to have to think of
your own way out of this one."
     |-}------ But what can we do? ------{-|
     ++ Got any suggestions, Almighty?++
     "I'd start with a Pina Colada after a quick dip in the pool, myself."
     ++You'd what?++
     "It helped me when I got writer's block at Commandment number 8."
     After a quick swim, the two authors sat down with two Pina Coladas
and began to think. It was a warm and sunny day and soon, despite himself,
Lord Sabre returned to the state which we found him at the beginning of this
story. He took a nap.
     Patrick (that's me) couldn't sleep. Not only were the Holy Erasers
forbidden, but his plotline was now so confused that Buzz had three places
to go at once AND the authors were STILL trying to get the Special Effects
Department back on speaking terms in the wake of Black Scorpion blowing the
entire SFSTORY budget.
     A pair of figures walked over and looked down at the sleeping author.
     "Let's throw him in the pool!" whispered one.
     "Now, Andy," said the other with an impish grin on her face.
     ++Hi, guys++
     "Hey, Robin! It's..."
     "Oh, yeah. Hi, Pat."
     ++How are you, Andy?++
     "Not so bad. A little bored since I haven't been used in a while."
     ++I'll see what I can do come the contract talks. Tell me, can
you think of a way out of this mess?++
     "You mean Matt being in the Goofy Suit? I think it's great!" Andy grinned
     "Now, Andy. You picked on Matt enough when he was alive."
     "Yes, dear."
     ++No. I'm talking about the trouble with Trudy!"
     "Oh, that. Well, you're an author..."
     "Yeah," added Robin, "You have to roll with the punches."
     ++Roll with the punches. Thanks a lot. That's about as helpful,"
a smile, for the first time this entry, crept across the author's face.
     "He has an idea!" said Andy.
     ++Yep! I'll see you guys later!++
     As Pat left for the stairwell that led back to his dimention, he heard
the scream of Lord Sabre followed by a splash and a peal of laughter. He smiled


of course not...this is SFSTORY, not Dallas

***** Entry appended 20:25 on Mon, 06/20/88 by cbsqehc at bostonu   # 273 *****
Subject:     Where plots are patched {part 2}
From:        Patrick McCoy (cbsqehc at bostonu)

     After Buzz had made the jump to hyperspace, he took a deep breath
and began to breif his companions on where they were going and why they
were going there.
     "In the early part of Earth's Twentieth Century, a man named H. P.
Lovecraft began to write for several pulp magazines. His stories' merit
are now being recognized by literary critics. However, this caught the
attention of an explorer named Ian Greanmet who had discovered, on a moon
of Schimitar Prime, the partially decomposed body of an unknown creature.
After reading the collected works of H. P. Lovecraft, he decided that it
was thepartially decomposed body of a Bahkee. This sparked a team of IU
Reaserchers to construct an early warning system to track the movements
of large, paranormal creatures jumping from planet to planet. One of the
primary stations was placed on the conquered world of Schimitar Prime. It
processes the information for an entire space sector."
     "Wow," Bert said in a low tone.
     "And the system has crashed?" asked Tachi.
     "It seems so," responded Buzz.
     An angry buzzing on the console interupted the session.
     "Space Commander Buzz Williams here," Buzz said, picking up his
     "Buzz," crackled the response, "It's Skip. The Time Police agent has
taken Trudy!"
     "He WHAT?"
     "Buzz," interupted Toni, "I have a bad feeling about this."
     "Skip, can you handle it?"
     "I'm not sure. I have a temporal tracker in Trudy's rear pocket, but
something tells me there's more to this Alec than meets the eye."
     "The Time Police Agent."
     "Do you remember his full name?"
     "First Lieutenant Alecision of Gallifrey."
     "Check him out, Skip. I've got to repair the station on Schimitar
     "Another thing, Buzz," Skip added, "Trudy remembered the briefing
on her becomming a space heroine."
     "That's impossible!" interupted Toni, "I hypnotized her!"
     "Are you sure?" asked Buzz.
     "Quite," asked Toni, a bit hurt by the question.
     "He had to make sure, Toni," crackled the voice of the retired
     "I know," responded Toni, who didn't.
     "That's just one more thing to worry about," said Buzz, getting
to the problem at hand, "How the Hell did things get so messed up."
     Tachi noticed the air shimmer around Toni at the mention of the
word Hell as she increased her personal sheilding and made a mental
note to tell Buzz to watch himself while she was around.
     "I don't know," responded Skip, "but we have to deal with it as
best we can. I'll try to get things together on this end."
     "Thank's Skip," answered Buzz, "Keep me posted."
     "Will do, Buzz. Over and out."
     "Damn!" stated Buzz ephatically as he replaced his microphone.
The air shimmered around Toni again and Tachi underlined the mental note.
     "Why would this occur? Major Tetwaters said she would send someone
to help him, not ignore him," mused Bert.
     "Just like a woman," murmered Buzz who, though enlightened in his
views of women for his era, was not completely up to date.
     "Excuse me?" asked a startled Toni as her sheilding returned to
normal as her attention to the land of eternal doom (or not so eternal
in the case of Bubba, the Invincible Death Merchant from said location)
was quickly replaced by the here and now.
     "Don't get me wrong, Toni," said Buzz as he calmly scanned his
display pannels, "I'm not the type of neanderthal who thinks that a
woman's place is in the home and not in space, it's just that you have
to be careful. Sometimes, no offense intended, women tend to get a bit
too emotional. Tetwaters probably ranted and raved when she heard that
I had covered up for her where she slipped up and overcompensated."
     Somewhere in the author's realm, Patrick McCoy dodged an incomming
hard-cover edition of the New Oxford Unabridged Dictionary, the Revised
     "Buzz," Toni began as Tachi showed the wisdom and enlightenment
gained through mastering an art, in this case the use of the Sci-Fi
Shotgun, through Zen, and left the cockpit to get a bowl of Ben and
Jerry's ice cream from the freezer and avoid the inevitable conflict
between Toni, representing the modern view of sexual equality, and
Buzz, who represented one of the earliest known views of sexual equality
which was as hoplessly outdated as his ship, "how can you say that?
Trudy is a Major in the Time Police. They don't promote people who
prone to be emotional under stressful situations. While they are
human, in a figurative sense, they are not usually petty."
     "How would you know that, Toni? You haven't been off planet for
more than two months!"
     "I read your mind," Toni responded as an impish grin began to
appear on her face.
     The smile seemed to be contageous as Buzz imediately followed
suit. "I was right when I said you'd keep us all honest, wasn't I?"
     "You bet," Toni responded.
     "You did bring up a good point, though. Trudy shouldn't have done
something like that. Something strange is going on."
     "Why don't we report it to the proper authorities?" asked Bert who,
unlike Tachi, was foolish enough to stay in an enclosed space with a
liscenced space hero and psychic who happened to be a trained assasin
durring what could have been a rather heated arguement.
     "I'm afraid the Time Police, who Trudy contacted, are the proper
authorities," responded Buzz.
     "Oh," responded Bert, a bit dejected.
     "It was a good idea, though," added the aging space hero quickly.
     Bert cheered up noticably at this as, by and large, Bert is a simple
being. Tachi, who had noticed the absence of shouting or shooting,
returned with a bowl of White Russian flavored ice cream (for those
of you unfortunate enough to live in an uncivilized area -- herein
defined as a location where Ben and Jerry's is not currently avaliable
to the general public -- it does exist and is wonderful). He suddenly
noticed something which troubled him a great deal.
     "Buzz, Toni doesn't have a sidearm. While I'm not sure that it's
absolutely esential that she have one, as she is a psychic, it might
come in handy for her to have a gun."
     "You do have a point, Tachi," Buzz responded as he set the Rocket
Racer V for auto-pilot, "Her training as an assasin added to her psichic
sensitivity should make her a crack shot as well. Come on, Toni. We'll
get you a sidearm."
     The two walked to the back of the ship, leaving the Zen master and
fungoid tetrapod to watch over the control center as Tachi could make
decisions and Bert could, thanks to his Sidekick training at IU, now
pilot a ship with the degree of competence/incompetence that would give
the liscenced space hero enough time to return to the controls in the
case of an enemy attack while flying all over the place (unintentionally)
so as to not have the ship blown from the sky.
     As Buzz and Toni descended the ladder leading to the airlock/armory,
Toni's courage finally buit up to the point that she could ask Buzz a
potentially troubling question.
     "Buzz," she began, "How did Trudy remember that she was going to
become a space hero? I hypnotized her into repressing the memory before
we left."
     "I have a feeling that the Destructionvax5 Core had something to
do with it. It can destroy stars easilly so I don't see why it couldn't
use it's power subtly, by destroying the sound waves of your hypnotic
suggestion in the immediate vicinity of Trudy's ear." He then took his
laser pistol from its holster and handed it to Toni. "It's the most
modern sidearm I have on board. I'd like you to have it."
     Toni took it quietly and with reverence. "Thank you," she said
as she smiled at Buzz.
     "Don't get all mushy, girl. I've been looking for an excuse to
go back to my old Ray Gun." He removed a brown leather holster from
the peg it rested on and handed it to Toni after removing the Ray Gun,
which looked more like something out of the Loony Toons episode of
Duck Dodgers in the 23 and 1/2 Century, sliding it into his own holster.
     "You really like the older equipment, don't you?" Toni asked.
     "I guess you don't have to be psychic to tell."
     The two returned to the cockpit after Buzz explained the basic
operating procedures of the laser pistol to Toni.
     "What do you think could be the cause of the tracking station's
malfunction?" asked Tachi as the two entered the cabin.
     "It could be many things. The stations' technology was updated a
few years back and the newer parts are much more delecate and prone to
breakdown, especially in the harsh desert climate of Schimitar Prime.
It could also have been a freak accident of nature like a sandstorm or
any of the creatures of the desert trying to eat the station. Desert
raiders or scavengers could have also used it for target practice before
the automated defense systems could stop them. On Waquit, it was a test
for the Tanjuit tribe's princes vying for the position of cheiftan to
attempt to shoot the station before it registered a target and activated
its defense systems. The worse case scenario is that an agent of the
Old Ones ahas deactivated the station in preparation for their comming."
     "Is their comming guaranteed?" asked Bert as he nervously looked
     "No," responded Buzz, "We don't even know for sure if it's fact or
fiction. All we can be sure of is that we can't take any chances."
     A beeping on the console before Buzz anounced the iminent arrival
at Schimitar Prime. Buzz again took control of the Rocket Racer V and
left hyperspace. He skillfuly took up a standard orbit and began to scan
the vicinity of the Early Warning Station.
     "No life forms. Probably a burnt out chip."
     Buzz descended into the atmosphere and began to approach the station.
As he did, the station activated iotself as if nothing was wrong. Buzz
veered off to avoid the detection systems that would set off the
automated defense systems. As he did so, his radar picked up a squadron
of fast attack fighters comming up from the rear and sides with three
support ships.
     He grabbed the microphone as he powered up the weapons systems.
"Space Commander Buzz Williams calling fighters, stay clear! I am on a
mission of assistance to repair the tracking station, repeat..."
     "There's no need to repeat yourself, Space Commander," came the
response, "I am Serif the Second and my father and I both know why you
are here!"
     "It's a trap!" gasped Bert, applying what he had learned in his
Intro to Sidekicks course.
     "They're jamming my radio signals and radar!" said Buzz as he
dodged the first of the long range shots from the fighters, "I can't
call for assistance and I'll be fighting strictly by what I can see!"

     Meanwhile, Skip Carson's computers registered that the Tracking
Station had come back up on line. He breathed a sigh of relief, now
having one less thing to worry about.

     Itself laughed a deep, sinister laugh. It had defeated the vaunted
Space Commander Buzz Williams on all counts. Not only did It have Trudy,
but soon both the medlesome Space Commander and his friends be eliminated
by his agents on Scimitar Prime, ironically the people that the first
Destructionvax had been designed to eliminate, but any moment now, the
Its drones would be arriving at Intergalactic Admiral (ret.) Skip
Carson's office to eliminate the only other individual who knew of Its
plot to take over all of creation. Then, to add to Its bliss, Itself
came up with a new name for Galahad. All in all, it was a good day.

     In the altiverse where authors live, Patrick
McCoy closed the book he had been writing in with the
indelible ink that, by law, all authors had to write
with. He (or me) smiled, knowing that all the contradictions
had been pached up. As he tipped back to look out over the
view of all creation, he heard a squishing sound approaching
from behind.
     ++Enjoy the swim, Lord Sabre?++
     |-}------- Not funny, Pat. -------{-|
     ++I know, I shouldn't enjoy other people's problems, but...++
     |-}------- OK, OK. How'd the plot go? -------{-|
     ++Well. Things are back to normal...well, as normal as they get.
I'm a bit worried about Dvax, though. I have a bad feeling about him.++
     |-}------- You're supposed to. It's the villian. I told you about
getting caught up in the plot. You have to maintain some disance from
the characters. -------{-|
     ++Easy for you to say.++
     |-}------- That's true. You are a special case. -------{-|
     ++Well, when do you write again?++
     |-}------- Soon. I have to take care of some things and change
into a dry set of clothes. -------{-|
     ++Well, pay attention, because I'm starting up a plotline with
Skip again. Try not to mess things up again.++
     |-}------- Realy? What happens? -------{-|
     ++Before I say, let's get to the questions to keep the readers in
the dark. Say, do you think we dropped enough cryptic statements?++
     |-}------- Yes, I believe we did. -------{-|


ask Billy Idol, I don't know and am a fan of the Police and
     the Moody Blues...

***** Entry appended 21:32 on Wed, 06/22/88 by cbsqehc at bostonu   # 274 *****
Subject:     The new plotline begins!
From:        Patrick McCoy (cbsqehc at bostonu)

     Skip Carson, Intergalactic Admiral (ret.) and Professor Emeritus
of Interstellar University was busy breaking several Time Police Codes
by breaking into the records of First Lieutenant Alecision of the Time
Police's Witness Protection Division. He was looking for something
that would indicate that either the individual that had taken Trudy
Tetwaters was not the *real* Lieutenant or give some explanation as to
why he did so.
     As the file scrolled slowly down the wide screen suspended in the
control center of the HMS Victory II, the retired Admiral's personal
fast frigate, Skip became increasingly perplexed as there was nothing
in the Gallifreyan's psych profile that would explain such actions.
He had an impressive, if not outstanding, background both at IU, where
he graduated fifth in his class, and in his prior cases with both the
Celestial Intervention Agency of Gallifrey and the Time Police, which
he had been recruted to join three years ago by the then new assistant
to Joanne Bayer, Time Police Chief.
     Skip remembered something about her dying under mysterious
circumstances recently. That would make the man who recruted him
the current Time Police Chief. It was a strange coincidence.
     He continued to search the Time Policeman's file. He had almost
reached the end when the Victory's computer reported that the Advanced
Warning Station on Schimitar Prime was back on line. He breathed a little
easier and went back to his search.
     He recieved a great shock when he got to the bottom of the file
where he saw Alec's current orders:

     "New Orders - Issued 18 June, Time Central:
          Retreive Trudy Tetwaters from Interstellar University
     where she is currently under the care of Intergalactic
     Admiral Skip Carson (ret.) and prevent her from becomming
     a space heroine. You will be issued an omnidesirable account
     from Eroticavm3 to assist you in your task. Execute orders
     with extreme prejudice. These orders come from the top."

     The orders were issued by the Time Police Chief himself. He was
the top of the chain of command at Time Central. There was no logical
reason for him to issue such orders. Then the awful truth dawned on
Skip. The Time Police had been infiltrated by the Destructionvax5
Satellite's henchmen!
     Skip began to prepare to radio his friend Buzz when the Victory's
scanners reported a proximity alert. He punched up the long range scanners.
     He did not like what he saw.
      Three Destructionvax Class A Drones approaching, 15 degrees,
12 minutes, 10.8 seconds from port. // reported the tracking computer.
     Buzz activated the Aegis Defense Systems, Mark MCVII, and began
to lock onto the drones with his main guns.
     "How long until targets reach us, computer?"
      Approximately  33 seconds, and counting. //
     There was enough time for one shot.
     "If I'm going down, I'm going down fighting. Fire main guns!
Supporting fire from missile systems!"
     Unlike his friend, Space Commander Buzz Williams, Skip had kept
up with the times, something the Drones had not anticipated. The shot
from the main batttery destroyed the lead drone. The second recieved
heavy damage from the anti-matter missile barage while the third recieved
light scoring from the phaser gatlings from the Aegis System.
     Skip took advantage of his opponents' suprise by donning a vacc suit
and ordering the computer to re-load all weapon sustems.
     Before the Victory could re-arm herself, the drones launched
their counter-attack. The less damaged of the remaining two ripped the
front of the Battle Center off of the Victory as its companion vaporized
the Aegis emplacements. Skip drew his Plasma Pistol and fired at the
drones, causing little damage, as he activated his power cutlass, a force
sheet less than an atom in width.
     Skip dodged the first shot of the oncomming accounts, which was
opening his ship like a can opener. He fired again from behind a
console, temoprarily blinding the first drone as the plasma blast hit
it on its opitcs. He began to dash for his fusion rifle when the second
drone hit him with a blast that knocked him across what remained of the
room. As it closed in for the kill, Skip threw his Power Cutlass,
decapitating it.
     As the final drone regained its ability to see, Skip realized he
had been hurt badly by the blast. He could taste the blood in his mouth
and feel where the impact with the bulkhead had broken ribs. He also
realized that the shot, which he thought he had missed the brunt of,
had actually hit where the drone had intended: his good leg. He was
unable to escape. He began to unload the clip of his plasma pistol
at the drone as he ordered his computer to relay the ship's log to
Buzz in the hope that he would be able to save Trudy. He might die here,
he thought to himself, but he would die a hero.
     As the drone turned on the crippled Admiral, two beams of yellow
light hit it squarely in the chest as a personal wing ship screamed past
the crumbling sensor towers of the Victory II, knocking it back away
from the ship.
     The enraged drone fired a full power blast at the wing ship, whose
pilot skillfuly dodged the planet-leveling power and fired a missile at
the drone, blasting it into oblivion.
     The ship circled around the wreckage known as the Victory II and
hovered above where Admiral Carson lay. It then slowly decended and
landed before him. A gangway lowered from the side of the ship and a
lone figure stepped out if the ship. He (Admiral Carson could tell by
the vacc suit's contours) was dressed in a black vacc suit and wore a
pistol of unknown style on his hip. The figure approached and asked him
if he felt well enough to be transported on board his ship. The Admiral
nodded and slipped into unconsciousness.

     When Skip woke up, he found himself in a small but clean sick
bay. His wounds had been dressed and he felt somewhat better.
     "You gave us quite a scare there, Admiral Carson," said an English
voice from the doorway.
     The body which belonged to the voice looked exactly like Sting
at the time he made the video to "Don't Stand So Close to Me, 86'" and
his voice matched his body to a T. Unfortunately, the effect was wasted
on Skip as his musical tastes were along the lines of Vivaldi and Wagner
and he had little to no knowledge of the pop/rock scene.
     "Where am I?" asked the Admiral as he tried to sit up.
     "Don't try to move yet, Admiral. Floyd tells me that you will
have to move as little as possible. He has patched you up well, but you
will need further medical attention. As for where you are, you are
aboard the HMS Syncronicity II and, in an attempt to anticipate your
next question, I am Ian Lockheed, Captain in the Time Police's Internal
Investigation's division. I need to talk to you about a man by the name
of Alecision, First Lieutenant in the Time Police."
     "He's working for the Destructionvax5 Satellite."
     Ian frowned. "Are you sure?"
     "If I had my records, I could show you."
     "We haven't left the HMS Victory II as of yet," Ian responded as
he tilted the table so as to let Skip see the screen before him better.
     Skip activated his data banks via voice link and re-played all the
information he had for the Time Police Captain.
     "This is not good," said Ian after a moment's pause, "I have been
investigating a breach of security, but I had no idea that it was this
     "I trust our patient is in the pink?" asked another figure from
the doorway. Skip looked at Ian's companion and his jaw droped.
     "It's a turtle!" he stammered.
     "Yes, he is," responded Ian.
     "It's blue!"
     "Correct on both counts."
     "I see his vision isn't damaged," added the 3' 8" amphibian.
     "Admiral Carson, I'd like you to meet First Lieutenant Floyd of the
Time Police. He serves as medical officer and second in command of the
     "You need some rest, Admiral."
     "Yes," said Skip in response to the Syncronicity's M.O., "I think I
     The two Time Police Agents left the sickbay and proceded to the
cockpit where Ian attempted to raise Major Tetwaters.
     "This is Time Police Captain Ian Lockheed calling Major Trudy
Tetwaters. Please respond."
     A male voice answered his call.
     "This is The Intern, Space Heroism License 4335.6, responding.
Major Tetwaters is unwell, can I help you?"
     Ian checked the license number and found it to be active. He
pulled up Tetwater's file and discovered that The Intern was the
Time Lord who had rescued Major Tetwaters from Muck-Luck and had placed
her at Interstellar University after having her as a companion for a
short period of time.
     "I need to verify that Major Tetwaters is working with you."
     "Sir...I'm afraid that's quite unlikely as she is fading away --
apparently due to temporal damage or space/time disturbance."
     "Can you prove to me who you are or that she is there?"
     "Look, do you know why she's disappearing???" asked a concerned
voice in the background.
     "Matt..." began the strained voice of the Intern.
     "Matt? Who is Matt?"
     "Matt DeForrest -- he's a Paladin...look, you can verify my Masters
Degree to my voice print at IU and check my TARDIS serial number..."
     "Checking voice print now." Ian watched as the voice prints
lined up with one another.  "Voice print confirmed."
     "It's about time," huffed the Intern.
     "We have no time for any of that, Intern. The Destructionvax5 core
has planted agents in the Time Police."
     "What? How did this happen?"
     "It seems the current Chief of the Time Police was placed as an
assistant to former Chief Bayer. He then recruited Alecision from
your planet's Celestial Intervention Agency."
     "I see. I know of Alecision. He has a TARDIS which means he could
be anywhere by now."
     "We have a tracer on Trudy. We are tracking him right now."
     "On what frequency?"
     "12 jiggahertz, Alpha band..."
     "Got it!" responded the Intern, "Good work. I'll take care of this.
You handle the agent at Time Central." With that, the Intern cut off
     "Damn him!" cursed Ian. "Do you have a lock on him, Floyd?"
     "Negative," the blue turtle responded, "He's begun to pass through
the Time Vortex."
     "The fool!" fumed Ian, "There are ways to slow the damage to
Tetwaters with a Time Machine or TARDIS that have just been developed
by the Time Police! And who the hell does he think he is ordering me
     "Time Lords can be like that," responded Floyd.
     Ian fixed him with an icy glare. "I suppose they are."
     "We need to get Admiral Carson to a medical facility."
     "We'll drop him off at Interstellar University. After that, we'll
have to deal with the Time Police Chief and hope The Intern knows what
he's doing."


for more of this sillyness, stay tuned.

***** Entry appended 23:43 on Thu, 06/23/88 by cbsqehc at bostonu   # 275 *****
Subject:     Wherein Plots Get Patched, Part III
From:        Patrick McCoy (cbsqehc at bostonu)

     In the author's altiverse, refered to on galactic charts as
#233donttryitauthorsonly, a golden auraed figure sat brooding. He,
as a way of identification to the readers, wore a Celtic Cross around
his neck. He sat looking out over the multiverse, truely an awsome sight,
especially from the view the authors had.
     From behind, annother author approached. This one wore a sabre at
his side. It was Eric, Lord Sabre, whom the brooding author, known as
Patrick McCoy, had colaborated with on several occations. He took the
seat next to Patrick and joined in the brooding.
     After a few moments, another golden glowed figure appeared. This
one wore a North Dakota State University sweatshirt. He approached the
two brooding authors.
     ++ Hi, Nathan. ++
     |-}------- What's up with you? -------{-|
     *NI* Nothing much, actually. How about with you two? *NI*
     ++ Things have been pretty quiet, actually. ++
     *NI* I've noticed that. What's happened? *NI*
     |-}------- We have seem to hit a lul in the story. -------{-|
     *NI* But how's that possible? Pat has Buzz about to be attacked
on Schimitar Prime and Captain Ian Lockheed ready to return to Time
Central to deal with the Destructionvax5 plant while Eric has the Intern
racing off to save Trudy the Younger with with most of the rest of his
characters while Destructionvax5 plots with Muck-Luck on how to get the
disk with the location of the satelite from Ultranatch and Ralph the Giant
Space Weasel of Anthrax V and any day now, the temporal abnormality around
Oonglagaloonga freeing up my plotline so that Bubba, Zark, and the rest of
the gang can stop the invasion and participate in the upcomming battle
with Destructionvax5. With all thig going on, how can we be in a lul?! *NI*
     |-}------- Yea, how can we? -------{-|
     ++ We haven't been writing. ++
     *NI* Oh, yea. That's right. What are we going to do? *NI*
     ++ Well, I have the most pressing matter with Buzz, so I'll have
to do something soon. The two of you better get cracking as well, though.
The Intern has a lot to do in a STOLEN plotline as well. ++
     |-}------- Geez, I thought you'd be over that by now. -------{-|
     ++ Are you kidding? It took a lot of work to patch things up. I'm
just glad it's over. ++
     [Ph.D.] It's not completely over, Pat [Ph.D.]
     All three authors momentarily cringed and instinctively protected
their heads. A silver auraed figure approached the table and sat down
across from the three authors.
     ++ Hi, Dr. Young. It's nice of you to stop by. Look, about the
arguement between Toni and Buzz... ++
     [Ph.D.] I wouldn't bring it up, Pat, [Ph.D] she said, placing
her boomerang version of the Two Volume Microprint Edition of the Oxford
English Dictionary II on the table. All three authors swallowed hard.
     |-}------- What brings you here on this sunny day? -------{-|
     [Ph.D.] I have a question about the patching of the plot. [Ph.D.]
     ++ Yes? ++
     [Ph.D.] Well, you had the Destructionvax5 computer order the
elimination of the soundwaves that carried the post-hypnotic suggestion
that was to repress Trudy's memory of the trance she was in as well as
everything she had heard about her other self that night, correct? [Ph.D]
     ++ That's correct. ++
     |-}------- A good repair job, wasn't it? -------{-|
     *NI* It sure was. Took care of the abnormality neatly. *NI*
     Dr. Young just looked at the three with a confused look on her
     ++ Why do I have a sinking feeling it wasn't so neat? ++
     |-}------- She wouldn't be asking otherwise. -------{-|
     *NI* Just when things looked like they were set to start up
again. *NI*
     [Ph.D.] How did the Destructionvax5 Satelite destroy the sound
waves? It had no agents in the area and It cannot project destructive
energies that far, can It? [Ph.D.]
     The three authors sat, dumbfounded. Then, Lord Sabre and Nathan
looked at Patrick.
     ++ Ummm... ++
     [Ph.D.] Yes? [Ph.D.]
     ++ Let me check the book. ++
     Patrick McCoy flipped through the pages of the grey, three ringed
binder in front of him cross-referencing entries into the work.
     ++ Hmmm... ++
     |-}------- Yes? What did you find? -------{-|
     ++ Nothing. ++
     *NI* Nothing? *NI*
     ++ Nothing. ++
     |-}------- You mean to tell me that you still haven't fixed that
stupid thing! How can you be so stupid! There's only one place to lay
the blame for this, Pat. -------{-|
     ++ Squarely on your shoulders. ++
     |-}------- Oh, yea. That's right. Oops. -------{-|
     *NI* You've been saying that a lot, haven't you? *NI*
     |-}------- Don't get cocky, Nathan. You still can't tell the
difference between a Hero Manned Ship and a Warp Ship. -------{-|
     ++ Oh, lay off, Eric. Your first posting was /inc...++
     |-}------- Hey, at least I figured it out on my own, McCoy! I had
to teach you! -------{-|
     [Ph.D] Gentlemen, please! [Ph.D.]
     The authors quickly stopped bickering and braced themselves.
     [Ph.D.] You have a plot to patch. [Ph.D.]
     ++ Right! I have to get to work. You two better get to your stories
as well. ++
     |-}------- Yea, good point. -------{-|
     ++ Thanks for the help, Dr. Young. ++
     [Ph.D.] Any time, Pat. [Ph.D.]

     Itself sat brooding in much the same way the authors had sat not
very long ago. It was thinking of a way to deal with those who were
meddling in its plans. It was at this time that Its spy drone returned.
     ^^^^^Mission complete, Destructionvax5. I have insured that Trudy
knows about her future by destroying the sound waves that carried the
psychic's post-hypnotic suggestion.^^^^^^
     ^^^^^It proved very helpful, your imenseness.^^^^^
     ^^^^^^Thank you.^^^^^
     Destructionvax5. The upgrade on the account once known as
Galahad is complete. The programmer needs to give it a new name./////
     Itself sneered a computer sneer. %%%%%CALL HIM...%%%%%

     Meanwhile, at Interstellar University, Ian Lockheed docked his wing
ship at the medical center and had Intergalactic Admiral Skip Carson
admitted under the pseudonym of Andy Sommers, Space Merchant, for treatment
of his wounds so as to cover the paperwork trail and set off with Floyd
for Time Central.

     "There is only one group with that type of channel and that's the
Time Police's Internal Investigations Division."
     "I think I know who it is, sir. I'll cover it immediately."
     Time Police Chief Logan switched off his coded channel and buzzed
his secretary. "Get me the file on Captain Ian Lockheed, Miss Dinglewarf."


and to think you considered staying home to watch wheel of fortune...

***** Entry appended 18:05 on Wed, 06/29/88 by cbsqehc at bostonu   # 276 *****
Subject:     Patching the patch of the patched up plotline
From:        Eric, Lord Sabre (BURNS at MAINE)

     In the author's Altiverse....
     ++ Not now, Sabre, I just got things fixed...++
     The author with the long, thin blade took the author
with the Celtic Cross firmly by the neck.  |-}--------I've
waited a long time to say this....-----------{-|
     |-}---------YOU SCREWED UP!!!!!!!!!!!-----------{-|
     ++What?  How?????  I had the Intern chasing after Trudy the
     |-}--------- Check the book--my last posting, not counting
you putting words in my mouth...-----------{-|
      ++Uh, why?++
     |-}----------The Intern isn't healed yet.----------{-|
     ++He isn't?  But we planned the Intern scene together!++
     |-}----------Right, to be used immediatly after I healed the
     |-}-----------What do you say?-----------{-|
     ++Oops, sorry?++
     |-}-----------Gooooooooood.  Now...----------{-|  The sound
of an author wearing a celtic cross landing in a pool resounded
throughout the altiverse.
     The author sat down and furrowed his brow.  It wasn't like the
old days, where the plots were only loosly connected, and plot permutations
could be ignored with impunity.  Now Dr. Young watched carefully for sexism
and spelling error, and great, long, heated, burrito shaped planning
sessions with the other authors was required to get ANYTHING done...
After this Dvax5 business, something would HAVE to be done....
In the meantime, he invoked Author's Privilage--a force even God had
to respect, and seized the Holy Erasers.  It wouldn't do to erase the
past and negate the whole affair, especially after the wet and scraggly,
but always nice and crunchy Pat McCoy had worked so hard to patch it.
However, the Holy Erasers had one other power--to go back in time.
Sabre used this, and activated his story transcriber--to get the holes in the
story written so he could go home, have a really nice hot cup of tea,
sit in the hot tub, soak it off, and fall asleep thinking of a new
chapter of St_Story (soon to come out, so subscribe today and get those back
     Matt and Linda were preparing once again to heal Radar and the
Intern from their ailment--namely, abject stupidity and the inability
to deal with concepts like Freeway Exits and Mike Dukakis.
     "Are you ready, Matt?"  Said Linda, standing over the Intern.
     "Certainly am," said Matt, ignoring his goofy costume entirly.
     They began.  They set their hands on the foreheads of their
respective patients (though the Intern was rarely respected, and
Radar hardly patient.)
     Linda screwed her face up in concentration.  "Please," she thought
frasnticlly, "please let him get well!"
     Matt furrowed his brow, "This has to work," he thought, "She
has to wake up!"
     "Everybody's looking at me," he added, and blushed.
     Suddenly, though subtilly...well, more subtle that sudden, though
it was hardly expected.  I suppose I should comprimise and say some other
adjective, like 'Unexpectedly,' or...but that's an adverb.  In fact they're
all adverbs!  This is strange....
     Meanwhile, a white glow was reaching out of the Paladins' hands
and flowing into their patients.  Both Radar and the Intern's eyes
flickered open.
     Trudy swallowed hard.  'All right, Massage,' she thought, 'Lets
get the Intern do I work my Omnidesirablity?'
     )))))Well, hon, all you got to do is set your desireability
factor between 0 (or normal, where you are now) and 10000.  Careful,
though, it takes a fine hand.(((((
     'Hmmm, well, I'll play it safe right now--set to 250.'
     Suddenly, 'BAD' things happened.  The OCR reacted with the healing
energy, throwing both Radar and the Intern into the Florence Nightengale
effect, causing both of them to start ripping the clothing off the two
paladins furiously, shocking Linda and embarrising Matt to no end.  While
this was happening, Steve, Lameduck, and Lucky the Mutant Ship's Cat
tackled Trudy and tryed to do the same to her.
     "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!!!!!"  Shouted Trudy.
     )))))Omnidesireablility factor 250((((( answered Massage at eroticavm3.
     Meanwhile, on board the Destructionvax5 satillite....
     Muck-Luck looked at the nearly completed HyperDreadnought
Lets_Kill_Matt_DeForrest.  Soon, he'd be in it, with the soon-to-be
renamed Galahad, and they'd FINALLY get revenge!
     "Hey!" he shouted to a nearby drone robot deathmachine, "How much
longer before the crusier is ready?"
     *** Next to no time at all, sir--the new computer is being installed--
its a half-destructive account, and its really nasty!***
     "Good, I like really nasty!  What's Galahad's new name????"
     ***Morderd at Deathcom.***
     "It isn't a direct Destructionvax5 account?"
     ***No, sir.  It was felt safer not to surround you with too
much OCR, to prevent every one of your opponents scanners from bleeping
up a blue streak when you got near.***
     "Oh...I see.  Well, call me when its finished."
     Meanwhile, on board the Challenger II....

     "Well, how are they?"
     The speaker was the somewhat sticky Trudy Tetwaters, Time Police
Major and all around Space heroine, who had decided her original
dubious thoughts about her omnidesirablilty account might have been
     The answeror was the equally sticky Steve Vogel, NASA Captain
and all around chicken sh*t.  "Well, they both seem to be asleep...
No thanks to you.  Look, wait until we know they've recovered before
hitting the Intern with OCR, ok?"
     " was a mistake, and a stupid one.  I let my emotions
run away from my sense...I don't do that, usually."
     "Its ok," said the reasonably non-sticky Matt DeForrest, in his
torn Goofy suit.  "I do it rather a seems to be an endearing
     "I'm endeared," said Linda, who had escaped unscathed through the
simple application of the base of her fist to the center of the
Intern's forehead.  "You know, Matt, the OCR effect hasn't completely
worn off...."
     Matt blushed--the heat and light of which awoke Radar and the
     "MMMMmmmmrrrrrrgggg..." moaned the Intern.  "I feel like my head
hasn't been clear for a few dozen postings."
     "That's because it hasn't, dear," said Radar, who gratefully
accepted the Nuprin Lameduck (who had been silent with an angelic
look on his face since the OCR incident) gave her.
     "Well..." said Trudy, "Massage, are you certain everything is
shut down--that was incredible!"
     )))))Yeah, hun!  Everything is hunky-dory!(((((
     "What is a normal person's level?"
     )))))2 or 3, assuming he or she is really cute.(((((
     "What's Radar's?"
     )))))19.345.  She's pretty unique.(((((
     "And what did I set for?"
     "Oh.  I'd hate to see 10,000."
     )))))Its a real trip all right.(((((
     "Um, Trudy," said Matt.  "I, uh, I hate to bring this up, but
you're beginning to turn a bit...bluish...and you're turning
     "I thought she'd just turned the account back on," Said Steve.
     "I...don't feel good..." Trudy said.
     The Intern rose, staring.  Concern flashed over his face, driving
the look of annoyed pain straight away.  "Trudy...quick--how old
are you and what rank are you?"
     "Wha...?  I'm...I'm'm a Captain...
or...or lieutnent...I d-don't...."
     "By Rassilon!  She's caught in a temporal distortion of some kind!
I have to get her into the TARDIS Zero Room!"  Scooping her up, the
Intern dashed into the beer-keg shaped TARDIS and brought her to the
Zero room...where the level of boredom was so intense (approaching that
of Orono, Maine!) all function, including temporal, stopped.
     "There," he said, safely out of the Zero Room.  "She's safe for
about five to ten hours!"
     "Should we tell the Time Police?" asked Matt, who had followed while
Linda had helped Linda get up after the Intern had knocked her over in his
zelousness to get back into the Space Heroic vein.
     The Intern shook his head.  "I'm afraid they'd simply try to take
her...they've developed techniquies to slow down temporal erasure, but
they aren't as effective as the power of the Zero Room.  We must keep
her in there until we find out just whatever it is that has happened
to her past (present from our frame of referance) persona."
     "Wow," said Matt.
     "Yes, I impress myself sometimes."
     The Intern's communicator beeped a little beep.
     Beepadeep "Intern, yes?"
     "It's Linda, sir--there's a Time Police Agent trying to contact
     The intern sighed.  "I'll rout it in here, thank you.
     He pushed a few buttons on the console.
     "--is is Time Police Captain Ian Lockheed calling Major Trudy
Tetwaters.  Please respond," came a voice that sounded suspisiously like
     "This is the Intern, Space Heroism license 4335.6, responding.
Major Tetwaters is unwell, can I help you?"
     "I need to verify that Major Tetwaters is working with you."
     The Intern sighed.  His head hurt too much for this.  "Sir..."
he sighed.  "I'm afraid that's quite unlikely as she is fading away--
apparently due to temporal damage or Space/Time disturbance."
     "Can you prove to me who you are or that she is there?"
     The Intern felt irritation rising--he wanted proof while the
girl was fading away?
     Matt broke in.  "Look," he said, voice full of concern even as
the Intern managed to prevent himself from strangling the paladin,
"do you know why she's disappearing?"
     "Matt...!" the Intern snapped, to silence the well meaningperson.
The Timelord wasn't ready to deal with a multiperson conversation yet.
     "Matt?" came the Time Police Agent's voice, "Who is Matt?"
     The Intern glowered at the Paladin, who was trying hard to shrink.
"Matt DeForrest--he's a paladin...look, you can verify my Masters Degree
to my Voiceprint at IU and check my TARDIS serial number..."
     There was an uncomfortable pause.  "Checking Voice Print now...."
A pause, which made the Intern all the more impatient.  "Voice print
     "Its about time," said the Timelord, rubbing his aching head.
     "We have no time for any of that, Intern." said Lockheed, sounding
quite impressive.  "The Destructionvax5 core has planted agents in the
Time Police.
     The Intern was startled.  "What?  How did this happen?"
     "It seems the current Chief of Time Police was placed as an
assistant of former chief Bayer.  He then recruited Alecision from
your planet's Celestial Intervention Agency."
     "I see."  The Intern's brow furrowed.  Alecision was a Space
Time Mechanics Major from IU--who was thrown out for corrupt activities
in the Space/Time stream--something about four bottles of beer and a date
with Helen of Troy....  In any case, he had joined the CIA to get his
hands on a TARDIS, and he got a pretty good one--just four models
earlier than his own.  "I...know of Alecision.  He has a TARDIS
which means he could be anywhere by now."  This wasn't good--if
Alecision was involved....
     "We have a tracer on Trudy.  We are tracking him right now."
     The Intern clenched his fist.  The Time Police, at least until
the corruption had been rooted out, was the last place he wanted the
younger Trudy.  "What frequency?"
     "12 jiggahertz, Alpha band...."
     The intern stabbed it into his system.  "Got it!" he shouted,
getting a response from his little 'Signal Tracker and Pizza Oven.'
"Good work!  I'll take care of this!  You handle the agent at Time Central!"
He stabbed at a control, cutting transmission and shifting them into
the Time Vortex.  "There, they can't trace us.  We'll appear in the
Challenger II three minutes after we left--then we'll have to
do something!!!!"


I dunno...maybe

***** Entry appended 15:19 on Thu, 06/30/88 by BURNS at MAINE       # 277 *****
Subject:     Wherein Something Scary Happens
From:        Nathan Irwin (UD140680 at NDSUVM1)

     Nathan entered Alterverse 233donttryitauthorsonly looking VERY
tired and wearing a party hat that bore the words "Happy Birthday".  The
hat was to point out to any SF_STORY readers he may run across that
Wednesday (June 29) had been his birthday, and that NONE of the SF_STORY
readers had wished him a happy birthday.  The fact that he had neglected
to INFORM any of those readers of his birthday seemed to him to be rather
irrelevant (OHmigod!  I HOPE that isn't a spelling error!).

     Nathan proceeded to remove the silly hat and sat down in front of
a computer terminal, whereupon he logged on to his account and read his
e-mail.  He noted that, in Pat's latest posting, he (Nathan) had been
described as "wearing a North Dakota State University sweatshirt".
Nathan promptly wrote a note to Pat explaining that he (Nathan, again)
is not a student at NDSU, but rather at the University of North Dakota,
or UND.  The point is moot, nontheless, since BOTH Universities are
way out there in the boonies, and are totally devoid of any social,
cultural, or intellectual activity, which is probably why students who
clearly have better things to do end up wasting so much time on silly
things like BITNET, as he (Nathan, yet again) is doing even as I type.

But I digress......

     After staring into a blank screen for a few minutes (No e-mail.
DAMN!),  Nathan noticed a copy of Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's
Dream" on the table.

     *NI* Hmmmm....  Sabre must have FORGOTTEN this.  *NI*

     Using his Author Privilege, Nathan conjured up a copy of "Debbie
does Arcturus 100017".  He then glued the cover of "Midsummer" to
"Debbie", and discarded the Shakespeare script.

     *NI* THIS oughtta be fun.  I wish I could be there when Sabre reads
THIS at his next rehearsal.  Heh-heh. *NI*  Nathan smirked.  Then he
cackled nonstop for about half an hour.  Eventually, he returned to
his beloved BITNET account and began to write a much-delayed posting to
SF_STORY (I *hate* that silly imbedded blank!):


     Somewhere in the vicinity of the planet Oonglagaloonga, the Space-
Time anomaly that had left Zark and his cohorts, as well as the entire
planet, trapped in suspended animation wore off and proceeded to afflict
someone else somewhere else in some other alterverse. (I hate specifics,

     Meanwhile, on board the WS Edwin Meese III, Zark, Louie, Bubba, and
Smugmuggle were trying to devise a plan to invade Oonglagaloonga.  They
weren't getting too far, but, luckily, Zark received a sub-space message
from Time Central at that point:

     ## Lieutenant Flyby?  Come in!  This is Time Central. ##

     "What is it, Time Central?" asked Zark, applying everything he
had learned in Sucking up to Authority 201.  (which wasn't much)

     ## Have you completed your invasion of Oonglagaloonga yet?  'The
Chief' would like you to get to work on the Destructionvax satellite. ##

     "I will do so as soon as I am done with my mission here, sir."

     ## See to it that you do, Flyby.  And by the way, for your next
mission, you will be given an Omniviolent super-account,
Deathwish&Vigilantevm.  ##

     "What's an Omniviolent super-account?" asked Louie.

     ## It operates like any other super-account, except it makes its
owner incredibly violent.  He will attack first, and ask questions later,
and will be as violent as possible in any situation. ##

     "But with ZARK," asked Bubba, "Who'll notice the DIFFERENCE??"

     ## Er,... ahh,.... This is Time Central signing off now.  Good Luck,
Flyby.  Your mission is VERY important to the "Big Guy".  Over and out ##

     "I don't LIKE this." muttered Bubba to himself.

     Zark proceeded to prepare the WS Edwin Meese III for an immediate
invasion of the planet Oonglagaloonga.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * EPILOGUE * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

     Itself was pleased.  Now, It was sure that Flyby would attack It at
the critical moment, enabling It to kill all the SF_STORY characters,
destroy the Cornell links, and plunge the entire Universe back into the
Dark Ages.  Then, It would use Its power to conquer the universe.  It
knew that Zark's Omnivoiolent account was actually a slave account to the
Destructionvax Computer!!  Now, it could CONTROL that meddling Time Cop
and FORCE him to Attack It.  It was now completely assured of Its
impending victory.

***** Entry appended 18:47 on Thu, 06/30/88 by UD140680 at NDSUVM1  # 278 *****
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