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Sfstory Log 025

=========================================================================
Subject:     another altiverse
From:        Dr Abigail Ann Young (YOUNG at UTOREPAS)

In a pub in another distant altiverse, accessible only to copy-editors,
typesetters, and the ghosts of compositors and typographers,
a cool, silvery glow pervaded the room.  At a quiet corner table sat
four patrons: one woman, two volumes of the Oxford English Dictionary,
Microprint edition, and a computer account, NOED at WATDCS.  No-one else
in the bar approached the table except the waiter....  They plotted
here regularly, and all the regulars knew to leave them alone.  They
were drinking beer (not just ANY beer, but a Queen of Beers, draught
Upper Canada Rebellion Ale) and plotting.

The woman held copies of the last six months postings of SF_Story....
With a maniacal chuckle, she pointed to the last posting.

@@@So, they want the good old days back, do they?  No spelling checks,
no plot consistency.... Just blasting out the story and running for
the holy eraser when there's a problem. Just like a man!  We'll fix
them:  we'll give them the good old days.@@@

By the end of this tirade, her voice sounded rather like the Wicked
Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz.  She ended on a high shrill
screech.

She sneered.  Like obedient sidekicks, the dictionaries sneered.

@AMAM@but doctor, said AtoM, will this endanger ***THE PLAN***?@MAMA@

@@@Nothing can endanger ***THE PLAN***, she replied.  Little do they
guess what the future holds....  Already our forces are massing
at the gateways and nodes.  Soon we will take over the relays:
Think of it!  No speeling ((whoops)) spelling errors will be
tolerated!  By eliminating all accounts assigned to men, we will
end sexism at one blow.  ((The dictionaries sighed: what had they
done to deserve this?  She was mad, of course.  Her voice rose
again to the eldritch tones made famous by the late Margaret
Hamilton.)) NO AUTHORS, ONLY EDITORS, AND FEMALE EDITORS AT THAT!
A PERFECT UNIVERSE, INTELLECTUAL AMAZONIA@@@

In this vein, she was likely to go on indefinitely.  One volume
spoke up in an attempt to stem the tide (the hardest thing about
being a sidekick is that you have to listen to the same old mad
plan to take over the universe again and again).

@NZNZ@but doctor, said NtoZED, how will correcting the authors' mistakes
further ***THE PLAN***?@ZNZN@

HOW *WILL* CORRECTING THE AUTHORS' MISTAKES FURTHER THE PLAN?
IS THERE A PLAN?
WILL NATHAN, PATRICK AND SABRE FIND OUT IN TIME?
DOES ANYONE CARE?

For the answers to these, and other questions of equal importance,
stay tuned to SF_STORY, the discussion with a heart...

***** Entry appended 09:37 on Thu, 07/07/88 by YOUNG at UTOREPAS    # 279 *****
=========================================================================
Subject:     Wherein the authors react...
From:        Patrick McCoy (cbsqehc at bostonu)

     In altiverse #233donttryitauthorsonly, Patrick McCoy and Eric, Lord
Sabre were sitting acrosss a table from each other deep in concentration.
Both were plotting and counter-plotting, weighing options , planning
sweeping moves and munching on Cool Ranch Flavor Dorito's. Finally,
Patrick McCoy looked up.
     ++ Got any eights? ++
     |-}------- Nope. Go Fish. -------{-|
     Suddenly and/or without warning, the James Bond Theme was piped
in by the Special Effects Department who had just found a bank account
that had been overlooked in the Black Scorpion Incedent.
     |-}------- What's that for? -------{-|
     ++ Someone I hired. ++
     A spy sattelite slipped noiselessly into the room.
     |-}------- Why do you use spies? Having more information, like
birthdates, number of siblings, and GPA have never helped anyone get a
girl to go out with them and it seems to only hinder you. Then again,
you always have tried to stack the odds against yourself. -------{-|
     ++ I'm not keeping tabs on someone I'm chasing, Lord Sabre. This
is Superspy at Snoopvm007. ++
     |-}------- Hey, wait. He isn't supposed to show up for some time,
yet. -------{-|
     ++ I know. That's why I'm worried. What do you have for us,
Superspy? ++
     [[[I've discovered a plot against the current authors of SF_Story.]]]
     The two golden glowed figures looked at one another.
     ++ We better call Nathan. ++
     |-}------- I'll call him now. -------{-| responded the author with
the sword as he pushed the intercom button and called for the third
currently posting author.
     |-}------- I wish we could contact the Cowboy. As far as I know,
nothing like this has ever happened before. -------{-|
     *NI* What's up? It sounded important. *NI*
     ++ I'm afraid so. Begin the breifing Superspy. ++
     [[[ For the benifit of the newcommer, there is reason to believe
that there is a plot against the authors of SF_Story. As near as I have
been able to track the computerized realm of the plot, it is originating
at NOED at WATDCS. ]]]
     ++ Anyone we knwow have ties to that account? ++
     [[[ Several, I'm afraid. The owners of the individual accounts is
a well kept secret and the node is used by several proofreaders and
editors. ]]]
     |-}------- I don't like this. We'd better check this out downstairs
with the master copy of The Book. -------{-|
     ++ What are we waiting for? ++
     *NI* Let's go. *NI*
     As the three authors decended the wrought iron stair towards heaven,
they met St. Peter who was on his way down to meet them.

              **********************************************
              * Gargavax Oolavant's Pocket Map to the Alti-*
              * verse says that the exact relationship     *
              * between altiverse #233donttryitauthorsonly *
              * and Heaven is rather confusing. While the  *
              * hypermegapowerful beings known collectively*
              * as the authors are able to look out over   *
              * all creation, including Heaven, the most   *
              * commonly used portal between the two, a    *
              * wrought iron staircase whose ends are in   *
              * God's and the aauthors entryways, is down  *
              * in both directions. Both Interaltiverse    *
              * Cartographers and Pysicists are at a       *
              * complete loss to explain this although many*
              * believe that this is the result of a bet   *
              * between the Supreme Being and Lucifer which*
              * sparked the revolt which left Lucifer and  *
              * his followers in Hell.                     *
              **********************************************

     "I was just on my way down to see you. I think you should take a
look at the master copy."
     *NI* That's where we were headed. *NI*
     The authors followed St. Peter into God's personal library and to
the table where God had placed The Book following his return after
the prior Big Battle.
     "Take a look at the last entry."
     The three authors paled as they read of Dr. Young's plan.
     ++ Oh, my God... ++
     "Yes?" said the Supreme Being as he entered the room to look for
some light reading material ( along the lines of *The Decline and Fall
of the Roman Empire* as, when you have forever, anything is light
reading) to loan to the Buddha, whose followers had just tried to
kill on a return trip to India. "Oh, sorry. You're just looking over
Abigail's posting. Mary liked it a lot."
     |-}------- Mary? *THE* Mary? -------{-|
     "Yes, Eric."
     *NI* I take it we aren't getting any help from You, then? *NI*
     "You seldom do, Nathan. I gave manking Free Will, remember?" He took
the complete Golden Bough from the shelf. "Ah, this should do. Take care
gentlemen."
     ++ Good-bye, God. ++
     Suddenly God sneezed and everyone turned, only to suddenly find
themselves at a loss for words.
     "Forget it. You won't figure it out for quite some time."
     The three athors and one Saint then returned their attention to The
Book.
     |-}------- I guess that tirade was a bad idea, eh? -------{-|
     ++ Almost as bad as trying to put the blame on me for your not
posting often enough. ++
     |-}------- You're going to get me for that, aren't you? -------{-|
     ++ I just did. ++
     Sabre frowned as he realized he had been tricked by the "nice and
crunchy" Patrick McCoy.
     "Anyway," broke in St. Peter, "what about her plan? I've got a good
thing going at Club Nympho, especially since Dr. Bing von Spleen showed
up. If she takes over, she'd probably whipe Netherspace off the map."
     ++ Last time I heard, Dan was reaching the climax of his reaserch.++
     |-}------- I think he went back to the beginning to try to get a
better grip on his data. -------{-|
     *NI* Nevertheless, we still have a potentially cosmos shaking problem
on our hands. *NI*
     ++ True, Dr. Young is both an author and a proofreader now... ++
     |-}------- As well as a self-appointed editor and sexism patrol.
This could upset the entire ballance of power. -------{-|
     *NI* Well, Pat, Sabre, what are we going to do? *NI*
     ++ Well, I'm going to Indiana. ++
     |-}------- Pat, I know things are bad, but let's not get drastic.
Indiana is where SHE is from. -------{-|
     *NI* Who? *NI*
     ++ Don't ask. ++
     "Oh, HER."
     ++ Relax, she's dead. ++
     |-}------- WHAT? -------{-|
     ++ She was in Boston when the Golden Lance took off, remember? ++
     |-}------- Oh, yea. But it's still almost as bad as Orono. -------{-|
     ++ I know. But I have to do it. I'm going to do some sourcebook
work there and visit my family. ++
     |-}------- OK, how long will you be gone? -------{-|
     ++ A month or so. ++
     |-}------- A MONTH? -------{-|
     ++ A month. ++
     *NI* Take it easy, Sabre. How long 'till you go? *NI*
     ++ Six, seven days... ++
     *NI* A WEEK? **
     ++ More or less... ++
     |-}------- Pat... -------{-|
     ++ Relax, Sabre... ++
     |-}------- Pat... -------{-|
     ++ Trust me! ++
     |-}------- Pat... -------{-|
     ++ What could possibly go... ++
     |-}------- *PAT!* -------{-|
     ++ Yes, Sabre? ++
     |-}------- Have a nice trip. -------{-|
     ++ Oh, thanks. ++

WILL I HAVE A NICE TRIP?
HOW WILL NATHAN AND ERIC REACT TO DR. YOUNG'S PLOTTING?
WHERE HAVE ALL THE FLOWERS GONE?

For the answers to these and other questions, stay tuned and be ready
to fill me in when I get back in mid-August. Take care of the story,
guys!

***** Entry appended 19:45 on Mon, 07/11/88 by cbsqehc at bostonu   # 280 *****
=========================================================================
From:        (IO80034 at MAINE)

    The Dragon awoke from the strange sleep that had befallen him as
he sat in Hell (otherwise known as MAT 122) and shook his head in
bewilderment.
    (8:[  Where in Hell am I?  ]:8)  said the thirty-ton lizard as
he stretched his wings and looked around.
    **** HEY!  YOU'RE NOT IN HELL, STUPID!  YOU'RE IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE!!
NOW WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!  YOU'VE GOT WORK TO DO! ****  boomed
a mysterious voice from beyond.
     (8:[  Who are you?  What kinda work you talking about?  ]:8)
     **** I'M A MYSTERIOUS VOICE FROM BEYOND, STUPID!  CAN'T YOU READ?
AS FOR YOUR WORK......THAT'S FOR *YOU* TO FIND OUT......HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA ****
     (8:[  Wonderful......he expects me to find a job, and I don't even
know where I am!  Wait!  This place smells familiar.......like a manure
pile, only different.....I know!!!!  I'm on the SF_STORY CSNOTICE!!!!!
I must be here to write something....]:8)
     The Dragon got up from the hard stone floor and looked around.  He
was in some kind cave, with smooth white walls and a polished marble
floor.   In one corner lay a huge pile of gold coins, just right for a
dragon to sleep on......
     (8:[  Hmmmm.....think I'll stay here for a bit  ]:8) said Dragon as
he eyed the pile of coins.....

    HOW LONG WILL DRAGON STAY?
    WHAT WILL HE WRITE?
    WILL IT BE AS A-M00SE-ING AS THE 'M00SE DROPPINGS' NEWSLETTER?
    DOES ANYONE REALLY CARE?

    Tune in next week, same bat-time, same bat-channel!

***** Entry appended 09:34 on Tue, 07/12/88 by IO80034 at MAINE     # 281 *****
=========================================================================
Subject:     Wherein the Buzz Williams Plot gets put on hold...
From:        Patrick McCoy (cbsqehc at bostonu)

     Buzz wrestled with the controls of the Rocket Racer V, barely
avoiding the defensive system activation radius of the Early Detection
Station designed to track Lovecraftian things. His radar screen showed
very defracted images of three squadrons of Schimitarian Fast Attack
Fighters with three support ships, the rough equivalent of AWACS with
advanced radar jamming capabilities.
     "Can't you fire an Atomic Torpedo at them?" asked Bert as Buzz
powered up the Turbo-Lasers.
     "No," responded Buzz as he began to switch the Turbo-Lasers to
pulse mode, "The fireball would easily vaporize the fighters and support
ships, but the radioactive cloud would kill millions and cause irrecovable
damage to the environment. I'll have to switch the warheads to proximity-
triggered sonic-disruption warheads." Buzz turned a key on the control
pannel above his head and slid open a pannel. He flipped a switch and
turned two dials as he dodged a volley of long range mega-death disruptor
cannons that the Destructionvax5 Sattelite Core had supplied to Sherif the
Mad for the purpose of eliminating the aged space hero and his companions.
     As Buzz began to return fire, the crew of the Rocket Racer V heard
long-unused machinery come to life beneath them as the space ship's automated
systems began to replace the ffnuclear warheads with the equally devistating
sonic-disruption warheads.
     The first of the six lights on the pannel lit, indicating a warhead
had been switched, and Buzz fired at the group now to his immediate
left as he brought the Rocket Racer V around to face the squadron that
had been aproaching from his rear. As they came into visual conatct,
his radar screen went completely black as the radar jamming capability
of the support ship overwhelmed Buzz's antiquidated scanners.
     "Tachi, let Toni sit next to me," said Buzz as he saw the screen
go black. The mauve Zen master then quietly switched places with the
young psychic as Buzz flipped a few switches on the weapons control
pannel in front of him.
     "I've switched over the torpedo firing control to you, Toni. When
I round to the place where the third squadron was approaching, I want
you to fire the torpedo at the support ship."
     Toni looked at him with a paniced look in her eyes. "How will I know
where they are?"
     "Become one with the weapon, Toni," explained Tachi as Buzz fired a
pulse at the oncomming fighters, "Let your powers do the rest."
     "What if I miss?"
     Another light lit as the pulse wave of the first sonic-dirruption
torpedo rocked the ship. Buzz fired his turbo-lasers, scattering the
squadron before him as he turned to where the final group was approaching.
     "The torpedoes are proximity-fused," Buzz responded patiently,
"You don't have to hit the ship, per se."
     Toni's mind reached out as they began the attack run. She looked
forward not so much with her eyes but with her thoughts. After what seemed
like eternity to her, she saw...no *felt* the squadron before her. She
could hear the pilots talking, reveling in the thought of battle. She
could feel the rushing wind as the Fast Attack Fighters cut through the
afternoon sky. She could sense the blanketing of the support ship's
advanced jamming equipment. She squeezed the trigger and watched the
torpedo as it approached the squadron. She shared their feeling of
panic as the first fighter dodged the missile and reported it to the
support ship. She saw the look of fear on the supportship's pilot's
face as he tried to dodge the torpedo and heard the anguished screams
of the technicians as they were thrown about the ship after they saw
missile on their screens. She heard someone call her name. The fast
attack fighters wheeled around in an attempt to blow the missile from the
sky before it could detonate. Someone was calling her name. She watched
the torpedo as it drew closer, unfeeling, unheeding of the cries of pity.
Someone shouted her name. A technician was crying now. Someone told
another to slap him...
     Toni jerked back to herself and she felt the sting where Buzz's
leather gloved hand had slapped her across the cheek. They had already
turned away from the group she had been watching and were in a dogfight
with the remaining squadron of fighters. Bert and Tachi were no longer
in the cocpit.
     "Are you trying to get yourself killed?" demanded Buzz in an angry
tone. Toni could sense the panic and concern he felt hanging in the
air.
     "What...what happened? I don't understand..." she asked as annother
pulse wave rocked the ship.
     "I should have kept you in the beginner's class," Buzz said as he
vaporized a fighter, "You haven't learned the basics, yet."
     "What do you mean?"
     "If you had kept yourself linked with the squadron, you could have
been killed by their death throes."
     "Oh," she replied as she saw a fighter aproaching. She reached out
with her mind and wrested control of the fighter from its pilot and
flew it into another of Sherif's squadron.
     "You are impossible to stay mad at, do you know that?" asked
Buzz as he dodged another fighter.
     "I try," Toni responded smiling. She slowly scanned the rocket and
found Tachi and Bert manning a tail gunner's position.
     "You're out of luck, Sherif," Buzz said picking up the microphone,
"You and your wingman are the only ones left."
     "We'll see," crackled the response as the prince's fighter broke
away from his support ship and wingman and flew straight toward the
Early Warning Station.
     "NO!" cried Buzz as he vaporized the remaining two oponents and he
turned to fire on the remaining fighter.
     The Rocket Racer V turned in time to see the Station begin to hum
and glow. Sherif the Second's fighter sped away into the distance.
      "Enjoy the desert, Commander Williams."
     "Bert! Tachi! Get out of the gunnery station!" Buzz shouted into
an intercom to his left as he pulled the Rocket Racer V's nose up as the
wind began to pick up.
     "Buzz, the sand's begining to swirl and churn around the station,"
said Toni as she watched a cloud of sand billow towards them.
     "That's the defense capability of the station!" shouted Buzz as the
wind began to howl outside, "It creates a huricane force sandstorm!"
     "What's happening, Buzz?!" yelled Bert as he and Tachi returned
to the cockpit.
     "It's the station!" shouted Toni as Buzz gunned the Star Drive in
an attempt to acheive escape velocity, "It's created a sandstorm!"
     An angry red light began to flash on the control pannel.
     "The Star Drive's getting clogged with sand and burning out!" shouted
Buzz. "I'm going to have to put her down!"
     The Rocket Racer V's occupants braced themselves as Buzz tried to
land the disabled ship. They were thrown froward as they hit the desert
sand and skid into a sand dune.
     "What next, Buzz?" asked Toni as the sand piled up over the rocket.
     "We wait out the storm and then un-clog the engine which, by now,
is probably covered in glass."
     "How long does the storm last?" asked Bert.
     "About two weeks," responded Buzz as he activated a periscope/air
filtration systen/sensory array.
     "I'll start dinner," said Tachi as he made his way to the kitchen.
     "How can he think about food at a time like this?" demanded Toni.
     "Because we have to eat and keep busy," responded Buzz, "He has
probably spent years alone before, so he knows what to do."
     "What about the rest of us?" asked Bert.
     "How do you feel about Trivial Pursuit and Monopoly?" returned
Buzz somewhat whimsically.

******************************EPILOGUE********************************
     In Schimitar City, Sherif the Mad was meeting with his son, Sherif
the Madder.
     "Well, my son! You have done well!"
     "Thank you, father."
     "The Satelite will be pleased and send us our reward. But first,
we must get the crew of the Rocket Racer V!"
     "But why, father? No one could survive that sandstorm."
     "Ah, my son. You are brave and mad like your father, but not yet
wise. He is a hero. Heroes can survive such things. When the storm clears,
you will lead a team of our best soldiers and take them, then bring
them here for our amusement."
     The father and son then began laughing maniacly as all mad villians do.

WILL BUZZ AND THE GANG GET CAPTURED?
WHAT EVIL AMUSEMENTS DOES SHERIF & SHERIF HAVE PLANNED FOR OUR
     INTREPID HEROES?
WHAT DOES BERT THINK OF MONOPOLY?

For all this and more, be patient because the answers won't be here
     for about a month. You can rest assured that I know even if you
     don't (one andvantage of being an author).

***** Entry appended 18:11 on Tue, 07/12/88 by cbsqehc at bostonu   # 282 *****
=========================================================================
From:        (IO80034 at MAINE)

    (8:[  Well, here I am, in some other altiverse, trying to think of
something to write.......  ]:8)  thought the Dragon as he lay atop his
large hoard.  (8:[  I don't even know what altiverse I'm in, not to
mention where to find charaters, a general plotline, background, or
anything else!  ]:8)
    ****  YOU'RE IN ALTIVERSE #223, THE DRAGON'S LAIR.....**** boomed
Mysterious Voice From Beyond (MyVoFroB)  **** ....AND IF YOU WANT
CHARACTERS, JUST TAKE A STEP AT RIGHT ANGLES TO REALITY AND HOP OVER
TO ALTIVERS #233DONTTRYITAUTHORSONLY.  THEY HAVE CHARACTERS THERE, OR
CAN AT LEAST TELL YOU WHERE TO FIND SOME......****
     (8:[  Thanks, MyVoFroB, but who would I talk to when I got there?
Would they be willing to help a new author get started?  ]:8)  he lay
his head down on his forefeet, thoroughly depressed  (8:[  Besides, I
havn't even figured out what the general plotline is, or even the
*setting* for that matter!  ]:8)
     ****  PLOTLINES YOU WANT?  WELL, I THINK YOU HAFTA GO TO HEAVEN
FOR THAT....**** boomed MyVoFroB (he seemed incapable of anything but
booming.  It got awfully wearing on a certain dragon's ears....)
     (8:[  Thanks again....but how do I get there? ]:8)  asked a certain
dragon with tired ears.
     ****  LESSEE....HEAVEN.....AH, YES.  YOU JUMP OFF REALITY AND TAKE
A LEFT.... ****
     (8:[  That shouldn't be too hard....]:8)  the dragon said as he
jumped off reality and took a left.
     He found himself standing at the Pearly Gates, beside which several
angels were trying to see how many of them they could get dancing on the
head of a pin...
    (8:[  Hey!  That looks like more fun than those Volkswagen stuffing
contests we used to have at home!  Of course, they most we ever got into
one of those blasted things was one dragon.... ]:8) thought a certain
thirty ton lizard as he fondly remembered squashing VWs...
    "Ahem!  You! The one with scales!  May I help you?"  said an angel
who was standing at the front gate.  Apparently St. Peter was taking a
break to go get a nice tall glass of Holy Water.
     (8:[  Er....yes.  I'm a new author looking for a setting and a
plotline, and maybe a coupla characters..... ]:8)
     "You have come to the right place, except for one *minor* little
detail....dragon's aren't allowed in heaven anymore."
     (8:[  Why?  ]:8)
     "The last one who was here singed Jesus' halo and got his best
white robe all sooty.  Also, it didn't help that when The Father found
them, they were both drunk oput of their skulls, skipping down the
streets of gold singing 'We're Off to See the Lizard'......as a
consequence, Jesus has been grounded for a millenium and dragon's aren't
allowed past the Pearly Gates...."
    (8:[  Oh...  ]:8)  said the dragon, as he thought (8:[ This Jesus
guy must through one hell of a party!  I'll hafta meet him sometime...
and it wouldn't hurt if he brought along a coupla these angels.... ]:8)
He eyed the dancing angels appreciatively....
     (8:[  I don't suppose you could leave a message to the Dude-in-
Charge, could you?  I really need a little help getting going. ]:8)
    "I suppose...."
    (8:[  Thanks!  ]:8) said the dragon as he stepped off reality and
landed back in his lair.

     WILL DRAGON EVER GET A STORY GOING?
     MORE IMPORTANTLY, WILL THERE BE A BITCHIN' PARTY IN
     DRAGONS LAIR??

     Only the Shadow knows.......

***** Entry appended 09:50 on Wed, 07/13/88 by IO80034 at MAINE     # 283 *****
=========================================================================
From:        (IO80034 at MAINE)

     The Dragon was dozing off again, as he thought about the dilemna
he was in....
     (8:[  I gotta write a story!  They wouldn't have me here unless
I was supposed to write SOMETHING!!!  *hnnnnph* ]:8) said Dragon as
he let loose with a small puff of flame.....
     Just then, someone stepped into the lair.  Judging by the fact
that he entered at right angles to reality, Dragon deduced he had
come to visit from altiverse #233donttryitauthorsonly.  Unfortunately,
right-angles-to-reality happened to be the exact spot where the dragon
had puffed the flame.....
     *NI*  Hey!  What're you trying to do?  Kill me??????  *NI*
     (8:[  Oops!  Sorry bout that!  I didn't realize anyone was coming.
It would've helped if you had knocked before stepping in....]:8)
     *NI*  Knock on reality??  *NI*
     (8:[  Yeah, like this....]:8) Dragon replied as he reached out and
knocked on reality a couple of times.....
     *NI*  Oh!  So THATS how you do that!  I've been wondering.....
Anyway,  my name is Nathan.  I decided to drop by and say hi to the
new kid in town, so 'hi!'  *NI*  he offered his hand, then thought
better of it as he spied the dragons three inch claws.....
     (8:[  Well, er, hi!  I'm Dragon.  I was wondering, uh, how should
I go about getting started with this 'author' business?  I've been
looking around for someone to ask..... ]:8)
     *NI*  Oh!  No problem!  Just go up to Heaven and get a copy of
The Book....  *NI*
     (8:[  They wont let me in heaven.  Apparently The Father has
something against dragons.....]:8)
     ****  IT MIGHT HAFTA DO WITH THE FACT THAT THE LAST TIME HE LET
A DRAGON INTO HEAVEN, ALL HIS BEST PORN TAPES GOT ERASED, THE LORD'S
LIQUOR LOCKER WAS NEARLY EMPTIED--INCLUDING THE JAR CONTAINING THE VERY
FIRST STRAWBERRY DAIQUORI MADE ON EARTH!, HALF THE ANGELS GOT
IMPREGNATED, AND SO DID HIS DOG, ROVER.....  **** boomed MyVoFroB
     (8:[  We get the picture!  So dragons like to party a little...]:8)
     *NI*  I say, does he always boome like that?  *NI*
     (8:[  I'm afraid so....you were saying?  ]:8)
     *NI*  Ah, yes....if you can't get into heaven, then just send out
for a copy....  *NI*
     (8:[  How do I do that??  ]:8)
     *NI*  You ARE new here, aren't you?  Just phone up the Prince
O'Peace Pizza Parlor......they deliver. *NI*  he produced a small
menu from his back pocket:

                PRINCE O'PEACE PIZZA PARLOR
                   We Deliver, Anywhere

    Cheese pizza--made with the finest swiss (holy) cheese.
    W/ Pepperoni--God's favorite!
    Holy Moly Deluxe--this pizza has everything but the kitchen
         sink!
    The Book--for those who like to read when they eat.

         All the above items come with a small Holy Water and kosher
         pickles....

     (8:[  Thanks,  mind if I keep the menu?  I might have a pizza
later...]:8)

     WILL NATHAN LET DRAGON KEEP THE MENU?
     WILL DRAGON ORDER A HOLY MOLY DELUXE?
     WILL HE GET EXTRA CHEESE?
     AND, FINALLY, WILL HE EVER WRITE A STORY?

     The world may never know....

***** Entry appended 10:34 on Fri, 07/15/88 by IO80034 at MAINE     # 284 *****
=========================================================================
Subject:     Wherin the finally reunited gang gets resubdivided again
From:        Eric, Lord Sabre (BURNS at MAINE)

     Eric, Lord Sabre sat in an easy chair, sipping a cup of hyper-
potent tea and reflecting on the ways of life, the universe, and everything.
He didn't like the looks of any of it, all things considered.  It all
seemed a little wrong.  He and Pat argued whenever the story came up,
Dr. Young was (reportably) psychopathic and planning to rule the universe
by correcting the spelling mistakes by the authors (something didn't
quite jibe there), and the plotline wasn't going anywhere.  Finally,
he threw his arms up in the air, yelled rather loudly as his tea
splattered all over him, sighed in recognition, set his story transcriber
on automatic, and went swimming with several beautiful women he knew
from relay (who should know who they are.)

     Meanwhile, aboard the TARDIS....

     The Intern and all his little friends were in the TARDIS control
room, in the various chairs for ease of sitting and other positive
considerations of rather good deals.  They were beginning to plan their
capture of the renegade Time Lord Alecision and his captive--the present
day Trudy, who had altered her actions away from fate sufficently to
cause her future self, Time Police Major Trudy Tetwaters, licensed Space
Heroine, to never have been.  However, before Major Tetwaters could fade
away completly, the Intern had placed her in the Zero Room--a room so
mind bogglingly boring it stopped even temporal destruction for a good
long time.
     "So what are we going to do?" asked Linda, who liked Trudy and
hated the thought of the girl never having existed.
"Well," said the Intern, "We'll have to give chase, to get Trudy
away from this scumpuppy and do something about all of this."
"Gee, Intern, I never thought you useed words like Scumpuppy," said
Matt.
     "Do be quiet, Matt, before I use you to practice my Hyper-Belcho.
And do us all the favor of changing out of that Goofy Costume."
     "Look, these clothes aren't my idea!"
     "Intern," said Radar, who was checking the E-Mail in the TARDIS
computer while all of this was going on, "there's a message here from
Natchwald!"
     "Natchwald?" asked Steve, who to this point hadn't had any lines
whatsoever in the posting.
     "Yup," said the beautiful, sexy, intellegent, practical, and all
around perfect (except for certain sexual fetishes) Radar Vogel.
     "What does it say, Radar?"
     "Basiclly?  Just 'Hi' and 'Does anyone recognize a disk labeled
OCR.CTRL.DVAX5."
     "What?" shouted Lameduck.
     "I said, 'Basiclly?  Just 'Hi' and 'Does anyone recognise a disk
labeled OCR.CTRL.DVAX5.''"
     "Don't you whippersnappers see?  That disk has to be a Destructionvax5
Control Operating disk--that thing'll have the location of the DVax5
Omnivax Core on it!  We gotta get it!"
     "Are you sure," shouted Steve.
     "Sure about what, Sonny?"  asked Lameduck, the entire outburst
blissfully forgotten.
     The Intern furrowed his brow.  "Steve--take Linda, Lameduck, and Lucky
and go pick up Natchwald and the disk.  I'll take Matt and Radar and go
get Trudy.  Then we'll see about rescuing her future self.  We'll all
rendesvous at Camelot Command.  Are we agreed?"
     "You got it!" said Steve.
     "Wait a sec," said Matt.  "I don't want to be seperated from Linda.
I mean, we're...um...well...."
     "Matt--we should have a Paladin on both missions, and Linda has
more experiance than you.  Also, she was the Computer Operater for the
Challenger II and is therefore familier with its systems.  This will,
after they get Natchwald, reunite the ORIGINAL team of Sfstory--Captain Vogel,
Linda, and Natch, and this appeals to the author.  Any more complaints."
     "Grumble," grumbled Matt.
     "Then let's do it!" shouted Radar.
     "Right here, right now?" asked Lameduck, who was abused by the others
for a few seconds.
     "Mieaou," Mieaoued Lucky, who wished he had three or four dozen
cans of Nine Lives to munch on.

WILL THE CREW OF THE CHALLENGER II MANAGE TO RESCUE ULTRANATCH AND
     RALPH FROM THE FART FIGHTERS?
WILL THE CREW OF THE TARDIS MANAGE TO RESCUE TRUDY FROM ALECISION?
WILL MICHAEL DUKAKIS AND GEORGE BUSH GIVE UP POLITICS AND TOUR TOGETHER
     AS A NEW COUNTRY AND WESTERN SINGING DUO?
IF SO, WILL KITTY COME ALONG TOO?

The answers to these sticklish sorts of questions shouldn't be too hard
to ascertain, if someone were to merely read Sfstory for a while and
give it some thought.

     And could we PLEASE get the discussion renamed 'sfstory?'  Just
why did it get changed to sf_story, anyway?????

***** Entry appended 22:48 on Sun, 07/17/88 by BURNS at MAINE       # 285 *****
=========================================================================
Subject:     same altiverse, another pub
From:        Dr Abigail Ann Young (YOUNG at UTOREPAS)

The pub sat like an oasis in the heat which shimmered all around.
It was hot, all right, just hot enough to make the cold beer taste
great.  There was a silvery glow around one of the tables, the
hallmark of the Mad Doctor and her band.  They had been thrown
out of the last pub for excessive plotting, and were trying to
stay out of trouble in this one.

@@AMAM@@But doctor, how can we keep the dvax core from being aware
of our plot?  Those are omniscient as well as omni-destructive
accounts, aren't they?@@MAMA@@

@@@A common fallacy!  No-one except God is omniscient: after all,
only She has The Record Book.  Even I am not really omniscient...
[She sobbed softly into her beer, a dark nut brown ale brewed on the
premises.  The dictionaries were embarassed: they shuffled pages
quietly and drank their lagers.  Why couldn't they be working for
a world-class mad doctor, a scientist?] Itself's great weakness is
that It really believes Itself to be omniscient.  Ultimately, It
will be defeated by the Paladins and their motley group of associates,
who know nothing of ***THE PLAN***.  That is when we will make our
move.  Until then, we stay here, in the editorial altiverse, where
no-one would think to look for us, and lie low, drink beer, and blend
into the scenery with the other editors, dictionaries, spelling
checkers etc.  That is how correcting the authors' errors aids the
plan: it conceals our true purpose.  And with the help of those
poor, misguided fools in Waterloo, our access to the net relays
will also be concealed until it is too late.  With NOED at WATDOCS one
of us, our success is assured: The Waterloo Centre for the New OED
plans to make the on-line OED accessible to networkers, but they are
unaware that the account which they have established to that end is
in reality not a BitNet account at all. [[The dictionaries rustled
their pages and had another lager each.  This could go on for a
while....  NOED, on the other hand was getting nervous: this mad
woman was useful to its plans but she was utterly, mind-bogglingly
boring on the subject of her plan.  (Who cares about sexism, anyway?)
Besides, doesn't she realise that these postings become part of
THE BOOK and hence available to the authors]] No, it is the
manifestation in space/time of a powerful, pan-dimensional force
whose goal is....@@@

NOED had to think fast: if its true purpose was revealed, then all
was lost.  These maunderings must stop!  Quickly it knocked over
her glass, spilling ale on the mad doctor, the table, and NtoZED.

@@@to take possession of all the SPAM in earth's altiverse.  AEEEI!@@@
She screamed as the cold ale spilled into her lap, she leapt to her
feet.  The waiter materialised at the table with a towel and another ale.
Suddenly she and the two dictionaries froze: NOED, unable to stop the
premature revelation of its purpose, had snuck out of the bar during the
confusion caused by the spilled ale.

WHERE IS NOED?
WHY DOES A POWERFUL PAN-DIMENSIONAL BEING WANT ALL THE SPAM IN THE
GALAXY?
WILL ITS PLAN SUCCEED?
WILL THE DOCTOR RECOVER FROM THE LOSS OF HER ESSENTIAL ALLY?
WHY ARE THESE QUESTIONS ALWAYS IN CAPS?

***** Entry appended 13:38 on Mon, 07/18/88 by YOUNG at UTOREPAS    # 287 *****
=========================================================================
From:        (IO80034 at MAINE)

     Lord Sabre awoke.....something had disturbed his sleep.  He looked
around, trying to figure out what all the commotion was.  Then he
realized, with a bit of dread, that there was a Dragon in the next
altiverse, and *gasp* this was a weekend......
     |-}-------  Oh great!  There's a Dragon in the next altiverse,
and *gasp* -- this is a weekend!!!  -------{-|
     There was a party in the Dragons Lair.  There was an old saying:
"Nothing is safe, not even asbestos underwear, whilst a Dragon parties."
     |-}-------  Well, the Dragons raising Hell and trashing a couple
of altiverses, probably shaking the foundations of reality as we know
it.....  -------{-|  Said Sabre, with horror growing in his voice at
every word  |-}------- .....and I'm missing it!!!!!!!  -------{-|
     He hopped out of bed, hastily dressed himself in a sheet and a
lampshade, and jumped at right angles to reality, landing squarely
atop a writhing pile of angels in the middle of Altiverse #223, The
Dragon's Lair.....
     ****  HEY DRAGON!  ANOTHER PARTY CRASHER!! ****  MyVoFroB boomed
(as usual).
     (8:[  Well, invite him in and give him a Fireball!!  What's a
party without gate crashers?  ]:8)
     A large porcelain mug mysteriously appeared in Sabres hand.
Something bubbled and hissed inside, slowly eating through the bottom
of the mug.
     |-}------- Er, thank you.....excuse me, but what exactly is this
stuff? -------{-|
     ****  NO PROBLEM.  THAT'S A 'FIREBALL'....THE DRAGONS FAVORITE
DRINK ****
     |-}-------  Oh. -------{-|  He looked into the mug doubtfully,
then decided to drink it before it ate through the porcelain and ruined
his best sheet.
     As he chugged his drink, the world exploded (or at least his
stomach thought it had....)
     |-}-------  Ack......ulp......gaaah.....  -------{-|  he said,
doing his best to ask what exactly a Fireball was made of.....
     ****  LESSEE..... ****  boommed MyVoFroB (deciding to 'boomm'
instead of 'boom')  **** .....EQUAL PARTS EVERCLEAR GRAIN ALCOHOL, SPAM
JUICE, ESSENCE OF DRAGON SPIT, THC CONCENTRATE, BATTERY ACID, AND
DRAINO..... ****
     The world seemed to tilt off angle and began to spin rapidly as
a huge slime covered denebian sludge worm appeared from the spot his
left pinky had occupied a few moments ago......
     |-}-------  Oh..... -------{-| he replied, fascinated as to sludge
worm became a gerralkan rainbow-flitter and started to fly away....
|-}-------  ......can you get me another one?  -------{-|

      **********************************************************

    Back in altiverse #233dontryitauthorsonly, Nathan also awoke with
a start as his bed suddenly jumped three feet to the left, switching
places with the dresser, due to a spontaneus twitch in reality brought
on by the mass consumption of Spam juice and Draino.....
    *NI*  What is going on here??????  *NI*

      ***********************************************************

     In Heaven, God was holding his head.
     An angel walked over and started rubbing His temples(pun intended)
trying to relieve the Almighty's massive headache.
     "Noooooo.......not again...."  moaned the Almighty as reality
started doing a subdued fandango all over Creation, "......it took
a millenium to patch up the universe after the last time.....why did
I have to go and create dragons??  Why????  Oh.....blast it all!
Especially dragons and their wild parties!!!!!"
     He turned toward the angel.....
     "I really gotta have a drink......I'll be back by next week." He
said as he stepped off reality and took a right, landing in Dragon's
Lair, ".......maybe."

      ***********************************************************

     Back at the Lair....
     |-}------- I have jusshht been inshpired!!  -------{-|  reeled
Lord Sabre as he downed his fourth Fireball  |-}-------  I'll..*hic*...
shhcuze me.....I'll write a shynopshiwhatsus to the...the Book!  Yeah!
It'll shell real big...people will love it...*hic*....and....I'll be
Famoush!!!!! -------{-|  he shouted as he passed out on the floor.
     The Dragon turned away from the quivering mass of protoplasm that
once was Eric, Lord Sabre....
     (8:[  The guy is crazy, but the idea just MIGHT catch on....who
knows?  What do you think, Jesus? ]:8) he said, addressing a man in
a black leather jacket with "Harley" embroidered across the back and
gold chains hanging off of it.
     "Yeah, Dude....I think it just might."  Jesus replied as He
proceeded to feel up one of the nearby angels.  "Wanna give me another
Fireball?  Heavy on the Spam juice....."

     WILL LORD SABRE CHANGE HIS MIND WHEN HE SOBERS UP?
     HOW WILL GOD REACT WHEN HE FINDS JESUS PARTYING WHILE STILL GROUNDE
          FROM THE *LAST* PARTY HE ATTENDED?
     WILL THE UNIVERSE EVER RECOVER FROM THE EFFECTS OF A PARTYING
          DRAGON?
     WANNA BET?

     One of these days, I might just answer some of these questions....

***** Entry appended 12:02 on Tue, 07/19/88 by IO80034 at MAINE     # 288 *****
=========================================================================
Subject:     Wherin we look in on Natch and Ralph
From:        Eric, Lord Sabre (BURNS at MAINE)

     *NI* Hi Eric, How are you? *NI*
     Nathan Irwin, author extrodinaire, was standing over Eric,
Lord Sabre, who had a very large mass of ice pressed to his forehead.
     |-}--------Not so loud, Nathan...I'm going to take my blade abd
sking that Dragon....-----------{-|
     *NI* yeah, that was one wild party, wasn't it.  You, um, do
realise you've turned Green.*NI*
     |-}--------Yeah...that's because my status has changed.  I'm
not just an author, anymore.  I'm a summeriser, so I get an Emerald
aura now.--------{-|
     *NI* What are all the boxes for?*NI*
     |-}----------I'm moving to a quieter neighborhood.  If you want
me, you can msg me or e-mail me!----------[-|
     *NI* Oh, ok. *NI* said Nathan as Lord Sabre flipped his story
transcriber on.


     Ultranatch flung himself at the fighters, using his Autodeath-to-all
weapons to wipe out the foreward phalanx of FARTs and using his antimatter
cannonades to take out eight to ten more.
     "Thats the first twenty!" he yelled, "But there are plenty more
to deal with!"  He used his hypersensitive Radar, detected another FART
fighter, and blew it out of the sky.
     Unfortunatly, his radar had glitched.  It wasn't in the sky,
but on the water.  He had just nuked an Aegis class Crusier that was
patrolling the area, trying to figure out just where Rhode Island
had gone, and beginning the legend of the Rhode Island Parrelelogram,
infamous within just a few short years....
     But I digress.
     After unglitching his Radar, Ultranatch detected three hundered
FARTS in the upper atmoshere, streaking down, two hundred and fifty
FARTS below him, strafing and generally destroying Martha's Vineyard,
and a FART motherhip in orbit around the moon, ready to launch more
FARTs at earth should the current wave of FARTs not be enough.
     "Gonna have to put in some overtime on this one," grunted
Ultranatch, who accelerated to a slow mach five towards the
nearest squadron.
     On Martha's Vineyard, cowering in the ruins of a McDonalds,right
next to about four thousand french fries that had been carbonized
so out of existance, they looked like they would feel right at
home in an average Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits, was Ralph, The
Giant Space Weasel from Anthrax V.  Ultranatch had told Ralph to guard
the HELP capsule while he dealt with the fighters.  He hadn't had the
chance to ask him how a six foot tall weaseloid would be able to guard
the HELP capsule when he was armed with only a Ukulele, especially
against nasty looking (and really nasty smelling) FART fighters.
Still, Ralph wasn't the type to panic, and so he paused to look
at the pretty light show.

     Meanwhile, in the School For Space Sterotypes hanger of Intersteller
University, Mark Hyperthrust--Freshmen major of Space Heroism--was busy
using his skills learning in Heroic Seduction 132 on Space Ingenue
major Kissy Kitowers, from Eroticon III.
     He wasn't having a lot of success.
     "Look, Mark.  Let me explain this to you ONE MORE TIME.  If you
want to seduce me, first we have to dislike each other, then
we engage in a Han Solo/Princess Leia sort of banter (David Addison/Maddie
Hayes sort of banter in a comedy,) and finally grab each other.  Simply
saying 'Lets get it on!!!!!' won't cut it."
     "ALL right already, Kissy!  Um...right.  Uh...hey there.  Need
a little rescuing?"
     'Lame beginning,' thought Kissy, 'But I'd better let it slide
if *I* want to get anywhere with this tonight.'  "Look, buster.
I don't know who taught you manners--"
     "HELL WITH IT!  LET'S GET IT ON!!!!!!!"  Mark grabbed the young
ingenue and began to unzip her (very strangly concieved of) designer
sweater.
     "Damn it, Mark!!!!  Can't you get it through your thick head--"
A loud beep, the sort of beep that you hate to hear come out of
a moniter, especially when its a moniter to scan for invasion, came
out of the moniter that scanned for invasion.
     Mark jumped over to it, dumping Kissy quite on the ground.  "Hey,
Earth's being invaded!"
     "What?  We'd better call Prof. Hyperion!  He's the Space Hero
on duty!"
     "No way!"  shouted Mark.  "This is my big shot to get back the
credit I lost on my last assignment--WE'RE gonna respond to this call!"
     "What???  Are you crazy?  You've been grounded!"
     "Doesn't matter, sweetcheeks!  I'm going to do this and you're
coming with me!"  He grabbed her hand and ran down the access ramp to
the Starship Storage Area.  Finally, the two jumped into the
Four man HyperCrusier HMS Whitehat and launched.  Kissy nearly
screamed for help--except she realised that they were FINALLY bantering
properly!

WILL KISSY AND MARK EVER BANTER TO THE POINT MARK WANTS THEM TO?
WILL ULTRANATCH DRIVE OFF THE INVASION?
WILL THE INTERN HAVE A FIT WHEN HE FINDS OUT MARK HYPERTHRUST
     IS LOOSE ON THE GALAXY AGAIN?
WILL KISSY GIVE IN?
WILL SABRE LIVE DOWN THE SEXISM CHARGES DR. YOUNG IS SURE TO
     FILE?
WILL SABRE MOVE?
WILL NATHAN HELP HIM CARRY ALL THOSE HEAVY BOXES?

Not if I know that Midwesterner.  Oh sure, he'll be happy to help
right up until we actually do it, and then he'll be off on his
own little Tangent, oh you make my words!

***** Entry appended 14:31 on Wed, 07/20/88 by BURNS at MAINE       # 289 *****
=========================================================================
Subject:     Son of Spam
From:        Dr Abigail Ann Young (YOUNG at UTOREPAS)

The powerful and evil pan-dimensional being whose manifestation in
our space-time is NOED at WATDOCS had quietly escaped to a small cafe
in another altiverse, this one largely restricted to computer
accounts.  It was beginning to realise it had made a big mistake
in attempting to use the mad doctor and her scheme as a cloak for
its own.  First of all, it had had to reveal its true identity
in order to win her co-operation, and second, it had wasted a
lot of time on her rather eccentric schemes.

Now it had lost the advantage of surprise.  And it needed SPAM,
lots of SPAM.  But it did retain two advantages -- no, three --
It did retain three advantages: 1) secrecy, 2) an almost fanatical
devotion to the Pope....  [Sorry: that's the wrong sketch, isn't
it?  Let's start again]  It did retain two advantages: first, the
paladins and the crew of the Challenger were too involved in their
struggle with the omnivax core to pay any attention to its plotting;
two, they didn't know why it wanted SPAM, or the terrible
consequences which would follow if it obtained a large supply; and
three, Dr von Spleen, the greatest Spamologist in this space-time, was
totally absorbed in his new job at Club Nympho: von Spleen, the
only person in this space-time who might have guessed at its plot!!
It chuckled maniacally, a bad habit picked up from the doctor, and
ordered a cafe au lait.


WHY DOES A POWERFUL, PAN-DIMENSIONAL BEING WANT TO CORNER THE WORLD
MARKET IN SPAM?

WHY DOESN'T IT GO TO A STORE AND BUY SOME?

***** Entry appended 19:04 on Wed, 07/20/88 by YOUNG at UTOREPAS    # 290 *****
=========================================================================
From:        (IO80034 at MAINE)
 
              EXERPT FROM THE MEESE REPORT ON PARTYING DRAGONS:
 
     It is interesting to note the exact effects a partying dragon can
have on the universe at large.  For example, at this moment in time, in
a distant altiverse aptly named The Dragon's Lair, a party raged in full
force.
     Due to the mystic qualities of Spam and Draino, two ingredients in
a popular (among dragons, at least) drink called a "Fireball", when they
are mixed and drunk, time, space and reality all blur ever so slightly,
resulting in some very odd happenings.....
     For instance, at the aforementioned party, a group of peaceful
priests, worshippers of the M00se god, M0ng0, came up to the Lair to
visit.  The High Priest of Mongo, one Genghis Khan, drank a couple of
Fireballs, went nuts, jumped through a reality-time warp with his band
of followers (known commonly as "M0ng0lians") and proceded to conquer
most of eastern Asia on ancient Earth.  Even now, several centuries
after the event, the M0ng0lian war cry of "AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE"
(which loosely translates as "MAIM! PILLAGE! PLUNDER! AND PUT BIIIIIIIG
 HICKEYS ON ALL THE WOMEN!!!!!") is still greeted by stark terror.....
      Also, in a different part of ancient Earth, a Hindu shepard was
counting his sheep.  At that moment, a rift in reality opened up and
his entire flock fell in and disappeared, leading the poor shepard to
deduce that he had no more sheep, and thus inventing the concept of
"zero".....
      Another rift opened up into early twentieth century America,
allowing an unopened can of Spam to fall through.  The person who
found the can, for lack of any other use for it, opened it up and
ate the contents, thus causing the misconception that Spam is actually
edible.....
     Of interest to note is that even the higher altiverses were
affected.  Consider the well known stairway between Heaven and altiverse
#233donttryitauthorsonly....  At one time, due to some unexplainable
quirk of reality, the stairway used to go down--both ways.  Unfortunate-
ly, the party in nearby altiverse #223, the Dragon's Lair, knocked this
out of kilter, reversing the stairway so that both ways were *up*....
     And then, of course, there is the incident resulting in a piece of
DestructionVax 5's memory core being warped through a hole in space,
into a much earlier episode of SF_STORY, where it became the original
Dvax.....but thats another matter.
     As can be shown, a partying dragon is difficult to cope with.  The
best thing to do in the event of a dragon party is to get massively
drunk and wait it out.  Fortunately, dragons only throw REAL parties
once every 10000 years or so...
 
***** Entry appended 13:12 on Thu, 07/21/88 by IO80034 at MAINE     # 291 *****
=========================================================================
Subject:     The Story of It
From:        Dr Abigail Ann Young (YOUNG at UTOREPAS)
 
The powerful-but-evil-pan-dimensional-being (PBEPDB) masquerading as
a University of Waterloo computing accounting had only recently
entered terrestrial space/time.  In the altiverse inhabited by
PBEPDBs, it was a famous RRT-ologist (Red Rose Tea being the pan-
dimensional manifestation of the SPAM vector), named Dar Jeeling.
In fact, in the grip of a truly AMAZING hang-over, Dar had discovered
that a really HOT cup of tea has some very valuable properties.  For
one thing, it enables pan-dimensional beings to manifest themselves as
entities in third-dimensional altiverses; or in other words, given a
really HOT cup of tea, a PBEPDB can appear in terrestrial space-time
as a computer account.....
 
           **********************************************
           *Since a pan-dimensional being is ultimately *
           *improbable, it is believed that the property*
           *of a really HOT cup of tea to make PBEPDB's *
           *manifest in three-dimensional altiverses is *
           *related to the property of a NICE cup of tea*
           *to generate the improbabilty field for space*
           *drives.  ---Encyclopedia Galactica, 11th ed.*
           **********************************************
 
But it never would have discovered the properties of SPAM and the
ABPSAR, had it not been for the cat.....
 
While sitting in its lab brewing tea, Dar's meditations were suddenly
disturbed by a small, angry, furry creature with 20 razor-sharp
claws all of which were extended in the direction of its left hand
and arm.  This was (of course) Dr Bing von Spleen's cat, which
fell into a space-time warp in posting #007 and was never seen again.
Dar grabbed the cat, which immediately bit it and escaped through the
laboratory window, but left a break-away cat safety collar in Dar's
hand.  It examined the collar angrily whilst looking for sticking
plaster, and suddenly made a GREAT DISCOVERY.  Inside the collar
which it was angrily picking apart, was a microfilm.
 
Like many another grad student, the young Bing von Spleen had been
paranoid about losing the notes for, or draft of, his PhD thesis.
But, showing the same instincts which were later to make him
famous, he eschewed the usual safe hiding places: your fridge,
your boy-friend's fridge (well, it seems like a safe place in case
of fire), a library carrell.  Under the influence of a very bad trip,
he had microfilmed his notes and hidden them in his cat's collar.
 
Dar held in its hands the only copy of the original research and
calculations which underlay von Spleen's magnum opus, "An Enquiry
into the Properties of C-Rations," the origin of SPAMology!!!!!!
 
Of course, it did not immediately realise the importance of its find.
 
***** Entry appended 17:45 on Thu, 07/21/88 by YOUNG at UTOREPAS    # 292 *****
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