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Sfstory Log 023

Subject:     BACK AT IU
From:        Patrick McCoy (enldc8c at bostonu)

     The Rocket Racer V ripped through the barrier separating Hyperspace
and Realspace over Interstellar University in the Bigname Solar System.
     "What is Interstellar University like?" asked Tachi.
     "Here," Buzz said flipping a few switches, "I'll punch up the promo
     Buzz fliped a couple of switches and the seal of IU appeared on the
monitor in front of Tachi. The typical pictures of college students and
college scenes appeared as the following narration occured:
     Interstellar University is currently the largest university in
this altiverse with 105 thousand undergraduates and 15.7 thousand graduate
students in attendance studying in the 30 colleges that make up the University.
They chose from over 800 possible concentrations ranging from our universally
recognized Space Heroics program to Horticulture and Forestry.
     The University itself is comprised of 15 separate campuses and 40
dormitory complexes. Our academic buildings range from our Moon Complexes
on Theta 2 in orbit around Hiual Prime to the main campus in geostationary
orbit around Carturver's World to our Undersea Studies Center on Aqua
Centauri 5 where students may observe the Dreaded Attack Beast of Aqua
Centauri 5 in its natural habitat. Our dormitories are ultra-modern
facilities with facilities for all races of the universe.
     The main recreational area is the Pol Student Center in orbit around
Jupiter 3 where students and faculty alike come to relax and mingle
high above the storms of the huge gas giant.
     The 6 thousand full-time faculty members have the highest qualifications
and are ready to help students with any problems they may face. The
faculty includes such noted celebrities as Vanax Sylobop, inventor of the
Tranzix, Inzax 3slap, author of "The Rise and Decline of the Farlax
Confederation," Space Commander Buzz Williams, twice decorated with the
Platnum Novaburst for Heroism, Zing Rain Chu-Aswaqu, author of The Nanchu
Market and its role in the Galactic Economy, and Ingelburg Billfellow,
the galaxy's third greatest Spamologist.
     Academics are not the only strength of Interstellar University,
however. There are over 2000 clubs and activities that the students may
participate in to expand their horizons and increase their knowledge.
     Interstellar University: a place to learn and a place to grow so
you can be prepared to meet the challanges of tommorrow.

     "Impressive," said Tachi.
     "Well, it's not quite as nice a place as they claim it is, but it
is the best this altiverse has to offer. They're going to have to
re-work the tape soon, though."
     "Why's that?"
     "Because of the last line. The College of Temporal Studies wants the
part about meeting the challenges of tomorrow changed because their
students could very well be meeting the challenges of yesterday."
     "Buzz...I have a headache," said Toni as she entered the cocpit,
"Do you have any asprin?"
     Buzz thought and recalled that his anti-headache pills were in the
medicine cabinet.
     "OK, I'll get them," said Toni as she left the cabin and headed
to the bathroom.
     Tachi looked at Buzz. "Did I miss something?"
     Buzz looked back in a perplexed manner. "If you did, Tachi, I missed
it, too."
     Bert shuffled into the cabin and took his usual seat behind Buzz.
He looked out at the campuses of Interstellar University. "Wow," he said.
     "Take a good look, Bert. Someday, with a little luck, you will be the
first Fungoid Tetrapod to attend Interstellar U."
     "Wow," Bert repeated.
     "Buzz, something strange is going on," said Toni as she re-entered the
cabin. "I'm hearing all sorts of voices in my head."
     "What kind of voices?" asked Buzz.
     "They're all jumbled up. It's like thousands and thousands of
people talking at once. I don't understand it."
     Buzz set the ship on auto-approach. "Come in the back."
     The four intrepid adventurers went to the galley of the Rocket
Racer V. Along the way, Buzz got a deck of cards from one of the lockers.
     "Toni," he said as he sat down across from her at the circular table
where the crew ate, "I want you to guess as to what is on the card that
I have in my hand." He picked up a card and held it so that she could
not see it.
     "A star," she said.
     "And this?" he said picking up another card.
     "Three wavy lines."
     "And this?"
     "A circle."
     This continued until they had gone through the entire deck. At the
end, Buzz computed her score. She had a 88% average. This was remarkable
both for the score as well as the fact that Buzz had not told her what would
appear on the cards.
     ++Yes, I DID do that on purpose.++
     "We may be staying here for as long as a week," Buzz said as he
examined the results. "I'm going to enrole you, if you'd like, in some
accelerated courses."
     "OH BOY!" said Bert as he got excited.
     "What's happening to me, Buzz?" asked Toni.
     "You've become a psychic."

     Buzz docked the Rocket Racer V in his personal hanger and led his
three companions into his personal quarters. While there, he sent for
a set of IU sweats for Toni to wear so she would have something other
than the lingerie that she had left Hell with. He then settled down
to the computer at his desk.
     "Damn this paperwork," he said as he saw all of the requisitions
and corespondance that had piled up since he left IU 4 months ago.
     He acted quickly and decisively, as all good space heroes are
wont to do, and promply pushed it into his "I'll get to it later" file
(taking up more space than the compurter science department and the
administration liked) and registered Toni for PSY 203: Applied Psychics,
Bert for the Space Heroism Placement Exam, and Tachi for HOFO 220: Zen and
the Art of Chinese Cooking. He then sent Toni and Tachi to the Bookstore
to purchase a wardrobe for Toni (Tachi was along to keep the Frat Guys
away from Toni as, though she was no longer a succubus, she had the
body and looks that made her the head cheerleader back in Maine).
     He then called for a Dean's Host to take Bert to his Exam.
     After Bert left, he settled down to work. He accessed the library
of IU and had his computer start searching for information on the
Destructionvax Sattelite Network. He was watching when a buzz came
as Buzz's buzzer rang. He punched up the moniter and looked to see who
was at the door.
     "Oh, no," Buzz whispered as he saw who was outside the door.


All this and more in SFSTORY!!!

***** Entry appended 17:10 on Sun, 06/05/88 by enldc8c at bostonu   # 261 *****
Subject:     THE RETURN OF RADAR AND THE INTERN, and whatever happened to
From:        Eric, Lord Sabre (BURNS at MAINE)

     Steve, Lameduck, and Matt sat in the rec room of the T.S.
Challenger II.  Linda was lying next to/on top of Lucky, stroking
his fur absently (Linda having a notorious weakness for cats.)
     Trudy beamed into view from her ship, the HMS Intern. "All
right, then...we're all set with the transporters."
     "Good," said Steve.  He went to the control room and activated
the TIMEKILLER beam.  Its energy waves began to form two figures, which
the HMS Intern's transporters beamed over to the rec room of the T.S.
Challenger II.
     As Steve stepped back to the rec room, Radar Vogel and the timelord
called the Intern appeared in a halo of bluish energy.
     "Come on, man!"  The Intern shouted to Steve.  "We must escape in
my TARDIS before Apros can attack!"  He grabbed Linda by the hand and ran
towards the cargo bay.
     Trudy stared, before yelling "INTERN!  THAT WAS THE LAST PLOTLINE!!!
     "Danger?  What danger?  Trudy, you're looking well.  Hello there,
Lucky, how have you been?"  The timelord passed out.
     Radar looked around herself.  "Trees," she said, before joining
her fiancee in a prone position.
     "I take it this isn't the absolutly best situation we hoped to bring
the two of them back with," said Matt, who was struck about the head
by one man, one timelord, one woman, and a giant mutant cat.
     Meanwhile, in another place so unlike the place we just left,
even Ronald Regan wouldn't mistake one for the other--even if Nancy
told him it was true and that the stars agreed, even IF the stars agreed.
     I seem to have forgotten what I was talking about.
     Anyway, the W.S. Elsewhere was docking in the Destructionvax5
sattilite, and Muck-Luck, carrying Galahad the traitorous computer,
desended the ramp of the ship in just the way that evil Villain types
have down to an absolute science.
     One of the Executioner Robots stopped him at the bottom of the
ramp.  \\\\\Welcome to the Dvax5 station, sir.  Business or Pleasure?/////
     "Business--I have news and information for the Omnivax core."
     \\\\\I see, Muck-Luck, and the shrimp with you?/////
     &Hey, bucko, who you calling a shrimp???&
     "The stupid computer who obviously doesn't know that you drones are
half as powerful as a full destruction account is Galahad."
     \\\\\Right, if you will wait in the foyer, I shall inform Itself of
your arrival and intentions./////
     A few minutes and several drinks later, Muck-Luck was escorted to...
FAILING YOU?%%%%%%%%%%
     "Actually, it's given me a little trouble--mostly by acting on
its own, and getting into trouble."
     {{{{{Oh great!  Rat on me!!!!}}}}} said Annihalator at Destructionvax5.
     %%%%%%%%%%REALLY?  WELL, WE'LL SEE WHAT WE CAN DO.%%%%%%%%%%%
Suddenly, Muck-Luck felt a wrenching in his brain.  }}}}}Hi,{{{{{ said
a devestatingly seductive voice, }}}}}I'm Execution at Destructionvax5, and
I'll do ANNNNYthing to serve you.{{{{{
     "Female, hm?  I'll tell you, Omnivax Core, this is an improvement."
     }}}}}Shall we dust Altair II, hot man?{{{{{
     "Later.  Right now, Itself--can I call you that?"
     %%%%%%%%%%GO RIGHT AHEAD%%%%%%%%%%
     "Right now, Itself, ol' Galahad wants to tell you a little
story about a plot to fry you."
     Right here, we'll have the retelling as read.
     "Sure, you're the odds on favorite, here."
     &Count me in!  As long as I can nuke DeForrest!&
     &I like it!  I like it!!!!!&
     "Indeed, this is getting interesting," said Muck-Luck.


All this and more in Sfstory--no, really!

***** Entry appended 16:45 on Mon, 06/06/88 by BURNS at MAINE       # 262 *****
Subject:     Where Toni and Buzz get in and out of trouble...
From:        Patrick McCoy (enldc8c at bostonu)

     Meanwhile, at the IU Bookstore, Toni was looking for something
to wear. It had to be something stylish, yet practical that the
discriminating psychic would be proud to wear. She mulled over the
various jumpsuits and mock uniforms of various Intergalactic Agencies
and Military Services, but could find nothing that really suited her
as, by and large, supporting female characters in these stories wore
either very tight or very revealing outfits and, after her adventures
of late, she wanted something a bit more conservative. All in all, she
was hopeing to find a pair of Levi's and some IU T-shirts. Tachi was
following close behind, keeping a wary eye on the growing number of IU
fraternity members circling Toni like a pack of wolves.
     Things got good and bad at the same time when Toni discovered a rack
of blue jeans in a back corner at the same time one of the larger frat
men pushed his way to the forfront.
     "Hi," he said smiling the type of silly smile often seen on men who
think they're cool, swave, and unbelievably attractive but haven't had the
bad news broken to them yet, "I'm Todd "Photon" Vix from Waxlit 3. You
must be a transfer student or I'd have recognized you by now."
     "I'm Toni," Toni responded, taking a step back, although she wasn't
sure why.
     "Nice to meet you, Toni. There's a party over at the Tri-Omnicron
house tonight. You interested?"
     "I don't think so," she responded, trying to find her size in jeans
and get out of the bookstore quickly.
     "Come on, babe," Todd crooned, "It'll be a good chance to meet
people. I'd be more than happy you around."
     "Sorry, I'm not going to be here long and I have class tomorrow."
     "Class can wait," he responded, slipping his arm around her waist,
"You'll probably never get an invitation like this again. The entire
female population of this place wants me. I'm putting you at the top
of a long waiting list."
     "No," she said, her eyes wide as she slipped out of his hold with
the ease only a trained assasin or the like could possess.
     "I think you will," Todd said, trying to apply what he learned in
Intimidation and Bullying 206.
     "No," Tachi calmly responded, "She will not."
     "Hey, where'd the Teddy Bear come from? Guys," he said, turning to
his friends, "the bitch has a Kowala!"
     Little did Todd know, but bitch was the wrong word to refer to Toni
as while attempting to intimidate her. Her experience in Hell was still
fresh in her mind. As Todd turned and grinned an evil looking grin, Toni
reacted purely out of instinct and defended herself from what she saw
as an iminent attack on her and Tachi and telekinetically threw half
of the woman's clothing department at Todd and his fellow fratmates.
     There was an awful silence that hung in the air when the racks
of clothing stopped flying. Tachi calmly surveyed the scene and then
turned to Toni who stood trembling next to a pile of clothes, in her
size and style that her subconscious had sorted out durring the attack
and placed next to her in a neatly folded pile, and said, "A most
enlightened response, Toni."

     Meanwhile, Bert was breezing through the Early Space Heroics section
of the Space Heroics Department's placement test, but that's a rather
booring plotline, so we'll check up on Buzz.

     Buzz frantically punched buttons on the computer console before
him looking for the right OILD (Official and Important Looking Document)
as he shouted "Come in!" in response to his buzzer buzzing.
     He had just found a worthwhile requisition form to get more forms
when it walked in.
     It, of course, was the Provost and it was in charge of the funding
that the Space Heroics Department received. It and Buzz didn't get along
well because of Buzz's tendancy to "Appropriate" equipment that was,
in fact, neccesary for the proper training of Space Heroes, but that could
be replaced with "less costly" substitutes or computer simulations.
     "Good afternoon, Sir," Buzz said cheerfully, calling upon his
vast self control and graduate studies in bluffing, "How are things
down at the Provost's Office."
     "Things have been going smoothly for the past couple months," he
responded, fencing as artfully as Buzz as the University couldn't
afford to loose Buzz as his credentials helped bolster the University's
overall appearance and, thus, tuition.
     "Glad to hear it. What brings you to the Space Heroics Department?"
     "I heard you came back and was wondering what cut your trip so short."
     "Oh, I won't be here long," Buzz said, as the Provost breathed a
sigh of relief. "Just a week to do some quick research and have some of my
companions take some classes."
     "Ah, too bad you couldn't stay longer," the Provost said.
     "Well, I'm considering it," said Buzz for the sole purpose of seeing
the Provost cringe and to have his blood pressure raise a notch., "but
I can't. There are a couple of things that I need to attend to."
     "Well, nice talking to you," said the Provost as he left the room
popping a Nitroglycerine pill to ease his heart.
      Buzz smiled with satisfaction as the intercom pannel on his desk
beeped. Buzz cleared away the stack of papers on top of it and answered.
     "This is the Bookstore," came the response, "There is a bill here
for 193 Thousand Credits for a Toni and Tachi."
     "How much?" Buzz asked, paleing.
     "Buzz?" asked an enlightened and calm voice from the intercom.
     "Tachi? What's going on?"
     "We had a problem with a Photon Todd or something..."
     "Oh, him...I'll gladly pay the price then. Why did they cause so
much damage?"
     "They didn't. Toni threw a department at them."
     "Oh..." Buzz said as he punched up the files to the Provost's Office.
Tell them to take it out of account number 12300923.2a."
     "I will."
     Buzz chuckled as he thought of how the Provost would squirm as he
tried to explain to the President where his lunch account went. He then
signed Toni up for a Graduate level intro to psychic powers class instead
of the undergraduate class she was in.


find out soon at a computer terminal near you...

Hey...where did all the other authors go?

***** Entry appended 01:02 on Tue, 06/07/88 by enldc8c at bostonu   # 263 *****
Subject:     Wherin Matters do not improve
From:        Eric, Lord Sabre (BURNS at MAINE)

     Matt DeForrest, paladin, patron saint of Hot Chocolate and other
hot toasty drinks, Supreme Commander of Camalot Command, Ex-President
of the destroyed Danielson Hall at now destroyed Boston University in
now Destroyed Boston, all around good guy, and one wicked good role
player was having an unsuccessful argument with a rather mundane
clothing synthisiser on board the HMS Intern.
     ~~You seem to be wearing a perfectly good white jumpsuit.~~
     "That isn't the point, I am sick of it.  I rather like the scarf,
and the leather bomber jacket's a powerful item, and I like the umbrella,
but I want something else besides a white jumpsuit!"
     ~~Well, what then?~~
     Matt sighed  "I want a pair of brown cavalry boots, a Tan pair
of cotton/denim cargo pants--preferably fatigue strength, and a white
adventurur's shirt!"
     ~~EEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIUUUUUUU!!!!!  How totally gauche!  Now, try this
     A hot pink spangled Elvis imatator's outfit appeared, with white
cowboy boots with green rhinestones all over it, spelling out the word
     "Now then...lets try this again."
     ~~Something wrong with this?  It's fashion!~~
     "Its an offensive WEAPON!!!"
     ~~You seem to yell rather a lot.  Perhaps you should have that
looked into.~~
     "Look, would you PLEASE just synthisise me a pair of Cavalry boots
in brown, a tan pair of denim cargo pants, and a white cotton shirt?!"
     ~~That's outdoorsy!  Ug ug ug!~~
     "Listen you damn overcapacitated underprogrammed sewing machine!"
     ~~LANGUAGE!  I'm a very sensitive synthisiser!~~
     "You'll be a broken one any second!"
     Matt's clothing melted in a second, leaving him in his bomber
jacket and his BVD's.
     "I am going to remain calm." Matt said, quite annoyed.
     "Nice legs," said Trudy from the doorway to the compartment.
     Matt blushed.  The blush was incapacitating.
     )))))Whew,((((( said Massage at Eroticavm3, Trudy's Omnidesirable
Superaccount, )))))That boy has an embarrisment problam!(((((
     "Tell me about it, Massage."
     "Now look, this machine--"
     "Later, Matt.  I'm just here to tell you that we're all beaming
back over to the T.S. Challenger II, because the Intern will be waking up
     "What about Radar?" asked Matt.
     "Oh...her.  Yeah, she's gonna wake up too, I guess," said Trudy
in a voice that considerate, kind, warm, loving, and concerned all
failed to describe, but belligerent succeeded admirably.
     "Oh...I see."
     "Anyway, ready when you are."
     "Oh, sure--MAKE ME SOME CLOTHES!"
     The clothing synthesizer snapped to and made the topmost pattern
in its memory banks, automaticlly fitting it to and clothing
Matt DeForrest.
     Lameduck is a bit senile, so he didn't comment when Matt came in
wearing a bomber jacket over a Goofy costume from disneyworld.
     Steve isn't senile, and laughed for the remainder of this entry.
     Linda managed to keep her smirk to a minimum.
     Lucky had no comment.
     All right, a little comment.
     "OK boys and girls.  Heh.  In my day, it was men and women, but
hey, that's Children's Lib for ya!"
     "Get to the point," said Steve, reinforcing this with a type II
phaser. blast right above his head.
     "All right already!  Anyway, according to my mediunit, they should
wake up any--"
     "WHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEE-zipangtipuppydog!!!"  Shouted the Intern.
     "--minute.  Then we can see-"
LIKE THE HOURS!!!!!" Screamed Radar.
     "--what their condition is."
     "Radar!" shouted Steve.
     "Intern!" shouted Trudy.
     "Matt!" shouted Linda.
     "Linda!" shouted Matt.
     "Lucky!" shouted Lameduck.
     "Miaou!" shouted Lucky.
     "Star wars is just cheap historical fiction!" shouted the Intern.
     "Jane Fonda has my Wineskin and won't get it back!" shouted Radar.
     "Radar!" shouted Steve.
     "Intern!" shouted Trudy.
     "Matt!" shouted Linda.
     "Linda!" shouted Matt.

     This went on for several hours.
     Eventually, they were all pretty tired, and had a few Wine
Coolers and Snickers bars while sitting around.
     "So how do we fix their brains?" asked Trudy
     "Well," said Matt, "Linda and I ARE Paladins..we could always try
to heal them...."
      "Heal them?"  asked Linda.
     "Yeah--I mean, we must be able to do some sort of Paladinlike
     "True...well, its worth a try."


The answers to these questions can usually be found in any major newspaper,
none of which have ever even mentioned SFSTORY CSNOTICE!!!!!

***** Entry appended 21:01 on Sun, 06/12/88 by BURNS at MAINE       # 266 *****
Subject:     Wherein a new plotline is being set up...
From:        Patrick McCoy (enldc8c at bostonu)

     Toni was lounging in a chair in Buzz's living room reading her
assignment for PSI 801. The view of the stars over the swirling clouds
of Jupiter 3 were something of a distraction, but it served to soothe
her when the pedantic text she was reading frustrated her, as it did
just moments before. She watched as the shuttle shuttle lazily approached
the transix station that served the Pol Student Center and the Jupiter 3
Residence Cluster , which housed graduate students and a handful of
faculty members despite the fact its views were pictured on all Interstellar
University Housing Brochures that were sent to prospective students.
The smell of Peking Duck wafted in from the ajoining kitchen.
     Toni smiled as she surveyed the room. When she had learned that
they would be staying in Buzz's duplex, she had expected something out
of the Maltese Falcon overlooking a loud, dirty street in whatever the
intergalactic equivalent of 1940 San Francisco was. She was pleasantly
suprised when Buzz led the three of them into the tastefully furnished
apartment which looked like the Star Trek: The Next Generation's equivalent
of a vacation cabin in Duck, North Carolina on the Outer Banks where
Satan had sent her on her first mission as a succubus.
     She glanced about nervously and involuntarily suddered at the
memory of her prior state of being before she had met the two paladins
who had given her the courage to rebel. Sometimes she really missed Matt
and Linda. She especially missed Matt who, in the short time they were
together, had become almost like a big brother to her. She smiled as she
remembered the way he had stepped out in front of Linda and herself when
they were fighting the Color and Off-Color demons for the ABSAR to protect
them from the beasts. It didn't matter that she and Linda were armed
as well as he was or that Linda's two weeks of military training prior to
her assignment to the Challenger II and the nature of hellfire that they
were probably more effective than he was, it was paramount that he protect
them...even at the cost of his own life. What Mark Hyperthrust had done
in an attempt to boost his GPA and to impress Linda and herself, Matt
had done because he felt that they deserved to be protected.
     Buzz had marveled at this when she had told him the story. He had
already gathered an application and informational packet and application
to present to Matt when they met and was ready to fight if there was any
objection to his being accepted.
     The humming of the transix brought Toni out of her reverie and back
to reality in time to see Bert slumping into the chair across from her.
     "There's more to this Heroic Sidekick stuff than I had thought,"
Bert said as he closed his eyes.
     "How'd classes go today, kids?" Buzz asked as he began to descend
the wrought iron spiral stair that led to the hanger and workshop.
     "Not too bad," responded Toni as she put her book down, "It looks
like Bert's had it."
     "Well, it smells like Tachi's almost done with dinner, so you'd
better get washed up."
     "OK, Buzz," said Bert cheerfully as he pulled himself out of the
chair and dragged himself towards the shower.
     Buzz walked to the windows and looked down into the churning storms
of the gas giant that the Dorm Complex orbited.
     "Why so tense, Buzz?" asked Toni.
     Buzz turned to her and smiled. "I guess having a psychic around will
keep us honest." She returned the smile as Buzz sat down across from her.
     "This mission won't be easy. The Distructionvax system was first
created about fifteen years ago for the expressed purpose of destroying
civilizations which had become a threat to the continued existance of the
universe as a whole. The Schmitarr Calliphate had developed the Star
Bomb which either collapsed the star it was fired at, creating a black
hole or forse the star to go supernova.
     "Sharif the Mad, the Caliph whose reign produced the Star Bomb,
planned to use it to whipe out the Mundi, a peace loving people whose
Solar System was less than a light year away, and then, of course, begin
his plan of universal domination."
     "What happened?" Toni asked.
     "Well, it didn't take long for the Paranice Confederation to realize
that if Sharif were allowed to do this, it would doom the galaxy and,
therefore, their trade market. They hired out several mad/evil scientist
types to build a system more powerful than the Star Bomb. One of the men
involved was Ivan Boskivitch, who had worked on the Oracle Systems but
was thrown off the board because his accounts were not user friendly.
Anyway, he developed the idea and drew up the plans for the Destructionvax1
Satelite. It could, at its user's command, destroy anything up to the
size of a large moon.
     "It was part way through the construction of the satelite that Zip
Roberts, who was heading the Cosmic Inteligence Agency at the time, got
wind of the project and called myself and some of the others from the
old school. We infiltrated the Caliph's palace and stole the plans to
the Star Bomb. Then, with the help of Dr. Ludvig von Schprig, we
developed a defense system against the Star Bomb. After that, the
Confederation led an attack on the Calliphate and conquered the
system and set up a democratic system of government."
     "You did all that?" Toni asked.
     "Well, I wasn't alone. As the matter of fact, the man who led the
actual attack on the Calliphate is comming to dinner tonight."
     There was a beeping at the transix pannel.
     "That must be him now!" Buzz said as he lept to the pannel. "Skip,
you old space dog! How are you?!"
     "Buzz, you overgrown delinquent! Let me in so I can wecome you back!"
     Buzz punched a few buttons on the transix console. After some rather
comonplace special effects, Intergalactic Admiral Skip Carson stood on the
transix platform.
     Toni noted that he was a stately looking old gentleman who would
have looked at home in Queen Victoria's or Otto von Bismark's Navies. He
had a salt and pepper beard and a receding hairline. He wore what looked
like a royal blue admiral's uniform from cerca 1940 and had a small pot
belly. Where his left leg shin should be was a peg leg. He held a bottle
of Cutty Sark and smiled broadly as he stepped off the platform.
     "Buzz! It's so good to see you!" said Skip as he gave Buzz a bear
     "You never change, do you Skip?"
     "Not since I bit my leg off. Remind me never to make bets with the
TAs when I'm drunk."
     "You would have done fine if it wasn't for your dislexia."
     "I guess so," Skip responded as he noticed Toni for the first time.
His eyes went wide and his jaw dropped (a typical sailor's reaction upon
seeing a pretty girl and the typical reaction of 99.99% of the male
population upon seeing Toni...including the blind). "Who is this?" he
asked as he recovered from the initial shock.
     "Her name is Toni," Buzz answered, "You may have heard of her. She's
the one who threw the woman's department at "Photon" Vix."
     Skip smiled a broad smile. "That's a girl!" he roared as he scooped
her up into a bear hug. Toni smiled as she read his warmth and friendliness
with her empathy. "I take it Buzz is your acting grandfather?"
     "Yes," she responded, casting a quick glance at the proud smile on
BUzz's face.
     "Then give a kiss to Uncle Carson!" Skip roared as he gave her a rough
kiss on the cheek. Toni giggled as he set her down.
     Tachi calmly entered the room from the kitchen. "Dinner's ready."
     Skip looked the mauve Zen Master up and down. "Who is this?"
     "I am Tachi, Zen Master of the Sci-Fi Shotgun and companion of
Space Comander Buzz Williams."
     "Ah...a Zen Master! Excellent! Glad to meet you, sir."
     Tachi bowed and returned to the kitchen.
     Bert entered the room next. "I asked the girl to come, Buzz. She
should be here shortly. Oh, hi, Admiral Carson.
     "Good to see you again, Bert!"
     The console beeped a second time. Buzz pressed some buttons and a
young Interstellar U co-ed appeared.
     "Trudy!" Toni shrieked, jumping to and hugging her friend.
     "Toni! You aren't a succubus any more!"
     "No, I got better, thanks to Buzz."
     "Dinner is served," said Tachi as he entered with a servo-bot.

     After the group had eaten their fill, the servo-bot began to clear
the table and Buzz began the discussion of the Destructionvax system.
He and Skip briefed the members of the table on the basics of the
system. They then opened the floor for questions.
     "How did they choose who got the D-vax accounts?" asked Bert.
     "They was a long debate on the subject. Finally, it was decided
that they should be given only to enlightened individuals."
     "How could they tell who was really enlightened?" asked Tachi.
     "Well, they held a debate on that, too. They decided that the best
way to do that was to give them to those with accounts from the Oracle
     "You mean that Matt, by all rights, should have a destructionvax
account?" asked Toni.
     "Yes and no," responded Skip. "Having an Omniscience account does
not automatically give you the right to a destructionvax account.
However, Muck-Luck shouldn't have his wihtout the account."
     "Why am I here?" asked Trudy suddenly.
     Buzz smiled. "I was just about to get to that."

Itself brooded. Itself had just ordered the upgrade of
Galahad and itself needed a new name for him. But that
wasn't what was bothering itself. Space Commander Buzz
Williams was a real threat. He was the only liscenced
Space Hero who was not vulnerable or incapacitated.
Something had to be done about him. Itself did the
computer equivalent of smiling as it came up with a
brilliant plan to stop Williams once and for all.
Itself sent out the orders. It was the perfect trap.


stay tunned to find out...

***** Entry appended 15:39 on Mon, 06/13/88 by enldc8c at bostonu   # 267 *****
Subject:     Wherin two old friends get into very DEEP....
From:        Eric, Lord Sabre (BURNS at MAINE)

     In a largly deserted McDonalds Resturant on the somewhat
insignifigent but always fresh and cheerful planet known as
Earth, Terra, Sol III, Miserable Ball of Mud, Horrific Hell,
and Reagan's Big Testing Grounds, depending on who and where`
you ask, a giant weasaloid and a cybernoid warrior of incalcuable
power were in the midst of carefully considered plans to help stop
a terrorist invasion of Earth, Terra, Sol III, Miserable etc.
     "Gin!" said Ralph triumphantly.
     "Oh, Damn!"  Said Wilhelm Natchwald, or Ultranatch (as he
was fast becoming know, particularly due to the Saturday Morning TV
show and the promotional spots for Wang ("My systems are programmed
by Wang--and the company is well named for my Programming needs!")
     In the next booth, suddenly, Space/Time ripped open and
disgorged a small canister, which immediatly began to play "Help
Me Radar, help help me Ra-dar!"
     "Hey, isn't that Weird Al," said some snotty nosed little
kind at the next table, but Natch shot him with his Ultideath
beams and ended that.
     Ralph walked over to it.  "Hey, this looks like a HELP
capsule especially designed for multiversular travel--although
I could be wrong, especially since I'm a Weaseloid from a culture
that considers Bows and Arrows to be advanced technology and Spray
Aerosals godlike in their complexity."
     Natch looked at it.  "My compurecords aggree with your
remarkable guess, Ralph.  This is definatly a HELP capsule.  I'd
better take a look at the inside."
     He took a look at the inside.  "Hey, there's only a program
disk here...must be important.  I'll send a query to some of the
mainframes--see if any of them recognise the label DVAX5.OCR.CTRL.DISK."
He then sent his query and chuckled.  "You know Ralph, this Disk
just might be our ticket back into the regular plotlines!"
     Itself chuckled at the stupidity of the cybernoid, as it logged
Natch's position and sent a fleet of Fast Attack Recoil Turbofighters
(or FARTs) to attack Martha's Vineyard.  Itself was pleased it had
found the HELP capsule, especially since it was Natchwald's computer
that would lead the FARTs right to him.
     The Intern's TARDIS computer processed the query, but made no
other action, as its owner currently believed himself to be a particularly
handsome stalk of celery.
     The HMS Intern's Communication's computer logged the Query, but
it knew Time Major Tetwaters was busy and so thoughtfully deleted the
apparently unnecessary infomation.
     Superbrain at Oracle2 and Massage at Eroticavm3 both recieved the
message, but they were logged onto the Superaccount accessable only
relay Channels, expirementing as to how much sexual feedback energies
the links could take before exploding and nuking the BTNETDNET (or
the Because There's Nothing Else To Do Network).  It was a delicate
expirement, and so (in the interests of science) they ignored it.
     The IU Megacomp (actually vastly overrated and built by Atari)
recieved the query and immediatly forwarded it to Spc Cmdr Buzz
Williams' Account, as per his instructions.  Unfortunatly, Buzz
was at dinner and so couldn't act upon the information.

    Things were not good.

***** Entry appended 20:01 on Thu, 06/16/88 by BURNS at MAINE       # 269 *****
Subject:     Wherein the next plotline begins...
From:        Patrick McCoy (cbsqehc at bostonu)

     When we last left our intrepid heroes, they had just finnished
eating a very good Peking Duck meal prepared by Tachi and were discussing
the problems with the Destructionvax5 Satellite, the most powerful and
least moral of the Destructionvax Satelites. Trudy Teatwaters, currently
a freshman enroled in Interstellar University's Space Heroics program,
majoring in sidekicks, had just asked why she was being involved in the
     End of plot summery.
     Beginning of dialogue.
     "You see," began Buzz, "I ran a recent check on the Interstellar
University Computer System on all information regarding the Destructionvax
System. I didn't come up with much but I did discover something interesting
in the process. It seems that in one year, Trudy, you will transfer into
the Space Heroics major and graduate with honors. You will then take a
possision with the Time Police where you will be sent back in time to
this era to help with the plan to destroy the Destructionvax5 Satelite.
     "Unfortunately, this leaves you, as you will be when you come back
to now, in a vulnerable possision. If you are killed by the Destructionvax5
Satelite's Hunter/Seeker drones, you will kill...the person you will
     "I don't understand. If I live to come back, how could the drones
possibly kill me?"
     "That's a temporal abnormality that the Temporal Studies Department
is still working on," Buzz responded. "They know that it is possible just
as meeting yourself drives both parties stark raving mad. They just haven't
figured out how it all works."
     "Oh," Trudy responded, feeling a bit insecure.
     "For your own safety, Skip has offered to take you to a secret
location and protect you until this whole episode blows over."
     "Don't worry, missy," rumbled the retired Intergalactic Admiral,
"I'll protect you. It's been a long time since I've had the privilage
of defending a pretty thing like you, but it isn't tthe type of thing you
forget how to do."
     "One more thing, Trudy," Buzz said. "We have a favor to ask of you."
     "Yes," responded Trudy, who didn't like the ominous tones that such
a phrase conotes.
     "We'd like to speak with the older Trudy through you. Toni's a
trained psychic, so you'll be fine. We also have to hypnotize you so as
to bury the memory of this entire episode."
     "OK," Trudy responded.
     The group moved to the living room where they all seated themselves
comfortably in preparation for the big event. Toni and Trudy sat across
from each other. Slowly, Toni linked her mind with Trudy's and they
both fell into a trance.
     "Toni," asked Buzz, "Are you ready?"
     "Yes," she responded softly.
     "OK, try to contact Trudy."
     "I'm getting some interference, Buzz," Toni said after a moment.
"It seems as if there was another mind in Trudy's head and that it's
talking with her."
     "What's it saying?"
     ******Come on...our users will never know...******
     ))))){Hmmmmm...I don't know. It's really chancy...((((((
     "Well, Toni?" Buzz asked.
     "It seems that someone's playing hard to get, but the feelings
I'm getting aren't quite right." Toni switched over to active telepathic
sending. :Hello?:
     ******Oops. Bye, bye Massage.******
     ))))))Hey! Wait! Superbrain? Damn.((((((
     :What's going on?: asked Toni.
     ))))))Oh, nothing worth mentioning...((((((
     :Who is this?:
     ))))))I might ask the same of you. I'm supposed to be here.((((((
     :I'm Toni. I want to talk to Trudy Teatwaters.:
     ))))))Oh. Hang on.(((((((
     "What's happening, Toni?" asked Buzz.
     "There was someone, or something, in Trudy's mind. It's going to
get her now."
     "Hmmmm...she must have a telepathic link to a computer account. They
can, along with their pre-programmed functions, act as a telepathic
equivalent to a answering machine as well as add to the individual's
overall psychic defense."
     ))))))One moment, here she is.((((((
     The younger Trudy began to speak.
     "Toni? How did you get in contact with me?"
     "We have your younger self here," Toni responded.
     "What's going on?" asked a rather spooked Bert.
     "Trudy is speaking through her younger self and is receiving
all sensory input from her," responded Tachi in a calm and level voice.
     "Trudy, this is Space Commander Buzz Williams."
     "Yes, Space Commander?"
     "We would like to get your current location so we can rendevouz
with you."
     "I'll send the co-ordinates immediately."
     "Also, we should point out that this younger self of yours poses a
serious threat to you. If Destructionvax5 kills her, the psychic backlash
will kill you. Intergalactic Admiral Skip Carson (ret.) is looking
after the girl."
     "I'll keep that in mind, Space Commander," Trudy responded in a
grave tone, "I'll have the Time Police send an agent to assist Admiral
Carson at once."
     "Thank you," said Admiral Carson, "The help would be appreciated."
     "You had better tell us the co-ordinates so as to prevent
Destructionvax5 from overhearing it on the computer lines."
     "Very well," Trudy responded as Buzz picked up a pad and pencil,
"here they are."
     After the co-ordinates were relayed, Buzz asked for an update on
their situatiuon.
     "Well," Trudy began, "The Intern and Radar are still out of it,
as they have just been re-assembled after they had been broken down
to the atomic level and scattered about the universe and Matt is wearing
a Goofy costume."
     "A goofy costume?" said Toni and Buzz simultaneously.
     "He had a bit of a run-in with the clothing synthesizer on the
HMS Intern..." Trudy responded.
     "That's no way to treat a paladin and fledgling space hero..." said
Buzz as he began to fume. "Can you do something about it?"
     "I'll se what I can do." said Trudy as a condescending smirk crossed
her face.
     "Please, Trudy," asked Toni in a pleading voice that betrayed her
emotional attachment to the young paladin who didn't seem to be able
to get along with a computer to save his life.
     "I'll try," said Trudy more reasuringly.
     :Besides,: Toni added telepathically, :If you don't and Buzz gets
there, we'll never hear the end of it.:
     At that point, a claxon began to wail and the lights of the room
switched over to red. Buzz and Skip ran to a nearby computer console.
Their faces went white as they read the display.
     "Good God," murmured Buzz.
     "What is it!" demanded Trudy.
     "We won't be able to rendevouz!" said Buzz excitedly, "The warning
station on Schmitar Prime has been destroyed!"
     "The what?" asked Trudy as the others in the room exchanged
confused glances.
     "No time to explain!" said Buzz as he ordered his computers to prepare
for immediate departure, "I'll be in touch as soon as I can."
     "Toni, what's going on?"
     "I don't know, Trudy, but it doesn't look good. I'd better end the
link between us. It looks like I'll be leaving here soon."
     "I'll look out for Matt for you," said Trudy.
     "You underestimate him, Trudy," Toni said warmly, "He's probably
already looking out for you." :He also probably knows about your plans
for The Intern. If you need to talk, he's a good listener. If Linda
isn't around. He's a bit distracted then.:
     "I'll keep that in mind," Trudy stammered, a bit taken aback by
both Toni's estimation of Matt and the fact that people actually knew
of her feelings and plans.
     :Don't worry,: Toni thought, trying to reasure her, :I can sense
feelings and Matt's observent. We're both descrete.:
     "Very well," thought Trudy, who had regained her composure, "I hope
to see you soon."
     With that the conversation ended. Buzz and Skip, meanwhile, had
dashed up the spiral stairs and were busy in the spacedock. Bert and Tachi
were already bringing their gear from their quarters. Toni quickly
hypnotized her and ran to her room to gather her things.
     After fifteen minutes of rushing about, the crew of the Rocket Racer
V was ready for departure. Skip had taken Trudy to his own quarters where
he awaited the arrival of the Time Police Agent assigned to help protect
the young Trudy. Buzz powered up the Star Drive as his companions
strapped themselves in.
     "What's going on, Buzz?" asked Tachi calmly.
     "I'll explain as soon as we've made the jump to hyperspace," Buzz
responded as he fired the rockets and the Rocket Racer V lifted off."
     A shiver went down Toni's spine as she heard Buzz's words and felt
his feelings. This wasn't the same sense as she had when they talked
about Destructionvax5. This was the type of fear of something that was
so overwhelming that it could not begin to be explained in words. As
they pulled away from IU, Toni began to wonder what it was that could
make two experienced space heroes like Buzz and Skip nearly panic.


for all this and more, stay tuned as Buzz faces another pulp genre on
Schmitar Prime and Skip and Trudy rocket off in a spinoff saga that
will conclude at the time of the Big Battle!'d think this had serious plotline development or something...

***** Entry appended 12:23 on Sat, 06/18/88 by cbsqehc at bostonu   # 270 *****
Subject:     Wherin Trudy Tetwaters {correct spelling} gets ticked off
From:        Eric, Lord Sabre (BURNS at MAINE)

     Matt stood over Radar's sleeping body, blushing both at the fact
that he would be touching her forehead and at the goofy costume he
was still wearing.
     "Are you sure this'll work, guys?" he asked.
     "Heh," said Lameduck.  "I never heard of Paladins who couldn't
     "We have to try," said Linda, standing over the Intern the same way
Matt was standing over Radar.
     "Well...alright."  He touched her forehead.
     Suddenly, Trudy stood bolt upright.  She seemed to be in a trance for
a moment, then came out of it.  "Damn!" she muttered.
     "What?" said Matt, who looked far more concerned than any man
in a Goofy suit had any right to be.
     "That stupid idiot!" said Trudy, stomping off towards the recieving bay.
     "What stupid idiot?" said Steve.
     "Commander Buzz Williams--oh, he's brave and resourceful and a hero
of the first degree!  Give him a crisis and he'll fix it!"
     "BUT...he's so trapped in the pulp era of heroism he hasn't been
able to adapt to the times!  NOW he's let my past self know about my
present self--and he MAY have let my present self know I'm a space hero!
THAT will change my personal history, and may well jepordise my exisitance!
WHY couldn't he just have contacted the Time Police?  Standerd Operating
Procedure is to throw up a class two Temporal Existance field around the
past self.  However, those are negated by the person knowing of his
     "How do they wotk?"
     "Well, it keeps a single person's history on track.  However, another
person can influence it, if they know of the existance of the past person.
I mean future person.  Whatever.  Anyway...Buzz knew about me, and used my
past self to contact me.  This never happened in my recollection...
so now I'm vulnerable to temporal attack."
     "Gee...but I'm sure he didn't mean it," said Linda.
     "No, he didn't.  He's a great man...he just hasn't figured out that
in the eighties, heros have to worry about the details a little more.
We lose MORE Time Agents that way...."
     She transported back to the HMS Intern.


     Natchwald was looking at the HELP capsule and shaking his head.
"Maybe its more important than we think--Dvax5, you ever heard of it?"
     Ralph shrugged, despite very specific anatomic problems with a
Weaseloid body shrugging.  "Not really...I don't think its very important."
     Suddenly, a series of blips on Natch's Radar appeared.  Scanning them,
he got the sort of look on his face that you didn't really want to
see on his face.
     "Something wrong?"
     "FART fighters...a whole fleet of them."
     "Uh...maybe they aren't after us."
     The McDonalds blew up.
     "Think again."

     "Major Trudy Tetwaters to Time Police HQ."
     "HQ, yes, Major?"
     "My past self has had her Temporal field removed.  Can you assign
a Time Police Agent to guard her?  She's with Admiral Skip Carson!"
     "Certainly.  Has she learned of your existance?"
     "Yes, there has already been some temporal damage."
     "Oh dear."
     "--I think--"
     "--good Plan, Tetwaters!"  Time police speak a language of their own.

     Itself chuckled.  The petty humans that opposed Itself still didn't
realise the Time Police Chief was his pawn.  Now Itself could remove
the future Time Police Space removing the Past Time Police
Space Hero.  Nothing, but NOTHING could stop it now.

     Or so it thought....

***** Entry appended 19:52 on Sat, 06/18/88 by BURNS at MAINE       # 271 *****
Subject:     Wherein we find out what young Trudy's current plans are
From:        Eric, Lord Sabre (BURNS at MAINE)

     Seventeen year old Trudy Tetwaters was sitting next to an Admiral
who was a) Retired, b) a bit senile, c) strange, and d) Telling her all
about the time he bit his own leg off on a bet, with the upshot and
punchline of the story being he bit off the wrong leg.
     She hadn't yet screamed, nor gone stark raving mad, but she knew
either one of them was not far from happening.
     The two were sitting in the small office of Admiral Carson, a
sweet, if really really demented, old man who apparently had been around
too many old-style atomic reactor drives and had had his brain slightly
microwaved to an even brown.
     "Gee, Admiral...that's really very interesting.  But you see...
I have to get to my What Do We Do Now, TimeLord class...its required
for my Sidekicking Major."
     "Sidekicking?  You heard the Space Commander--Gosh but it did my
old heart good to see the old salty again--you're gonna be a Space Heroine,
and a time police officer to boot!"
     "Oh...yeah...."  Trudy wasn't real happy about that turn of events.
She wanted to be a Timelord's Companion--preferably the Intern's--and she
DIDN'T want to be a Time Police Officer like that annoying Zark Flyby!
     Suddenly she shrieked, causing the old Admiral to leap up, fire
his sidearm into three walls, and swallow three heart pills in less than
a second.
     "What in the Wide Wide World of Sports did you shriek for?" he
     "I'm practicing--for my major."
     "Dad-blast it girl!  How many times do I have to tell you--"
     "Look, you and that Williams guy keep telling me I'm going to switch
my major, all because of your stupid computer, which breaks down every
thirty seconds!  Well, forget it, peg-leg!  I'm going to be a companion
and there is nothing you can do to stop me!  Le tme out of this office
before I call the Campus Police for kidnapping and Statutory Rape!"
     "You can't leave!  We have to protect you so that you won't get
killed to stop your future self!"
     "Look, how stupid do you take me for?  Future self, indeed!"
     "Now you look here--"
     Suddenly, there was a wheezing, and a large computer bank appeared
out of nowhere.
     "What the--"
     "It's a TARDIS," cryed Trudy, smiling and jumping for joy.
     A handsome, red haired man in a Time police uniform stepped out
and smiled.  "Well, I knew I'd be guarding a woman, but not one so
     "Who are you?" snarled Admiral Carson.
     The man flashed a gold badge with an hourglass on it.  "First
Lieutenent Alecision of Gallifrey--you may call me Alec.  I've been
sent to guard Trudy Tetwaters.  So, if she'll just come along...."
     "Oh boy!" she said, rushing for the TARDIS but being held back
by Admiral Carson.
     "The girl isn't going anywhere!"
     "Let me go, you big lummox!" Trudy cried, already enamored of the
handsome Timelord.
     "Sorry, Admiral, but I have the right to take her with me.  If
you restrict that right, I'll be forced to arrest you or elimanate
     "You could try, whippersnapper!"  But the old Admiral let her
     She rushed into the TARDIS, and was followed by Alec.  Alec
was smiling.  The Omnivax Core's plan was working.  Alec's Eroticavm3
account, on low level, had bedazzled the girl.  Soon, she'd leave
IU forever to be with Alec, and MAJOR Trudy Tetwaters would never
     As the TARDIS disappeared, Admiral Carlson began to punch a
communications code.  "Get me Space Commander Williams," he shouted
into the communicator.  "This is urgent!"


not really

***** Entry appended 20:37 on Sat, 06/18/88 by BURNS at MAINE       # 272 *****
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