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Sfstory Log 053

Date:         Sun, 6 Sep 1992 23:00:00 EDT
From:         the valley of the fuzz-tone guitar (SWEDE at DRYCAS.BITNET)
Subject:      SF: Renegade Anarchists episode fifteen

Episode Fifteen: "There's a Moon in the Sky (called the Moon)" by Gary W. Olson

     "This is taking too long," Emma Goldman said.  "By my calculations, we
won't reach the moon for several hours, yet.  That won't give us enough time
to land and get the Eiffel Thing from those two con artists."
     "There's got to be a way," Time Agent 173 replied.  "Even though Time
Central views me as a renegade from temporal justice, I cannot allow Satan T.
Lucifer Jones to gain control of the Cosmic Cuisinart."
     "Maybe...yowtch!" Machiavelli added.  He jerked his hand away from
Jerriphrrt, who had jabbed it with one of his claws.  "Why did you do that?"
     "Sorry," Jerriphrrt purred.  "I had to make sure you weren't a robot."
     "Why...oh, James Dean," Machiavelli said.  "That is a most puzzling case
indeed.  James Dean, whom had originally escaped from Hell with us, turned out
to be a robot all along.  This despite all the internal scans that the Infernal
Health Disservice applies to all newcomers into Hell."
     "Perhaps a robot was substituted for the real Dean at some point of your
adventures," Time Agent 173 said.  "Or before then, even, while you were still
dead souls locked in Hell."
     "Not in Hell," Machiavelli said.  "Infernal Security is too tight.  And
there was hardly any opportunity on Earth.  After that..."
     "After that, we were on Karma Chameleon II, being threatened by the
natives," Slithis said.  "Following that, we boarded the PLS Tell-Tale Heart,
which took us to Hell, and eventually we made it to Satan's office, where you
rejoined us.  There wasn't any opportunities for switches along the way."
     "Didn't you say something about visiting some wise guy before going to
Earth?" Shadebeam asked, toying idly with her ear-to-nose chain.
     "The Sage!" Emma said, snapping her fingers.  "Last time we were there,
he was bragging about how his space station existed in every altiverse in
the multiverse, and how one could enter his pad from one altiverse and leave
through a different door to another altiverse.  Jerriphrrt, Slithis, and
Benjen did something like that when they crossed over from the Superguy
altiverse to the SfStory altiverse.  Sometime during that visit, Dean must
have been replaced by a robot, with Dean exiting into some unknown altiverse."
     "If so, where is he now?" Gham asked.
     "I don't know," Emma replied.  "It can't be important right now, though."
     "As I was about to say before being clawed," Machiavelli said.  "Perhaps
we should find one of the Eyes of the Hypernet.  The energies of this ship
proved able to propel it through the Hypernet before, so it should be able to
do so again.  And since time does not pass while traveling through the
Hypernet, we should be able to arrive instantaneously."
     "How will we detect the nearest Eye, though?" Benjen asked.  "When
they're not visible, they're also intangible, and no scans can detect them."
     "There is one very near," Gham said.  "I'm sure of it."
     "How do you know?" Shadebeam asked.
     "I feel pulsating waves, crashing through my body, blinding me with
overwhelming ecstacy," Gham replied.
     After ducking out for a quick cold shower, Benjen returned and said,
"There are some low-level pulsations, coming from a nearby source.  Gham and
I are both of the same race, albeit from different altiverses, and the waves
must be reacting with our bioelectric fields.  I hadn't noticed it until she
mentioned it.  But...Gham, why is the feeling so...ulp...strong in you?"
     "Ever since I smoked one of those cigarettes that Shadebeam gave me,"
Gham replied, "my bodily sensations have been dramatically amplified."
     "They are?" Shadebeam asked.  "Damn, they never do that to me."
     "They must have a special effect on the physiology of our race," Benjen
said.  "Can you direct us to the Eye?"
     "We're headed directly for it," Gham said, her breathing growing
slightly more erratic.
     "Which switch did you flip before?" Jerriphrrt growled, looking at the
'mystery control panel' that held a bunch of unlabeled switches.  One switch
had unleashed a tremendous burst of energy that had blown away a chunk of
the Earth's moon back in episode 3.  Another, the one they were looking for,
had propelled them into the Hypernet.  What would the other switches do?
Jerriphrrt was not in the mood to find out right at that moment.
     "Closer..." Gham moaned, breathing heavily.
     "I think it was this green switch here," Emma said.
     "No, it was a level above," Slithis insisted.
     "Closer...closer...oh..." Gham's breathing grew faster and louder.
     "Was it this one?" Benjen asked, indicating another switch.  "I'm pretty
sure it was this one."
     "Pick one!" Tarrfel demanded.
     "Okay, this one!" Benjen declared, flipping the switch.
     "OhohohOHOHOHYESYESYES..."  There was a burst of energy, and space
abruptly lit up in front of them.  A huge, boxlike shape, with a large screen
in front and what looked like a touchpad near the right side, and an eye in
the center of the screen appeared, glowing luminously.  They heard the deep
voice intone, "This is...CBS!" (referring, of course, to the Chaotic Bastion
of Silliness), and the Red Emma shot through into the Hypernet.  The Eye
lingered a few moments, then slowly faded into intangibility.
     On the bridge of the Satanic warship that was no longer in the service
of his Infernal Majesty (and Duke of Smelly Feet) Satan T. Lucifer Jones,
Omegas and Bennett Quark observed an Eye flare in the distance, then grow
dark again.   There was silence on the bridge of the ship that led Omegas'
     "Someone's using the Hypernet," Quark noted.
     "Yes," Omegas said.  "Already, we may be too late."
     "Maybe we can use it too."
     "No - this ship doesn't have the energy source to propel itself through
the Hypernet.  Once we have the Eiffel Thing and can control the Cosmic
Cuisinart, then the Hypernet can be restored to full power, and any type
of vessel can be sent through, not just vessels that can power the net."
     "So what do we do?" Quark asked.
     "Continue the game," Omegas said.
     "Okay," Quark replied.  "B-9."
     "You sank my battleship!" Omegas growled.
     "Hell, I can't believe how much it costs just to get this tub to move,"
Satan T. Lucifer Jones grumbled.  The main flagship of Hell was not so much
a flagship as a small planet.  It's enormous engines throbbed to life, creating
a vibration that shook the entire ship, as the flagship lumbered towards
the speeds necessary for entering into overly-hyped space.  The millions of
Satanic warships surrounding it matched it's speed, making for a truly
frightful mega-armada, especially if they're all coming your way.
     "Just sign the expense voucher," Susan B. Anthony said.  "Infernal
accounting will worry about the costs."
     "You know what this means, don't you?" Satan asked.  "I'll have to cancel
my pay cable subscriptions!  Oh, the pain, the pain!"
     "Another one of them goddamn communist eye-things," J. Edgar Hoover
grumbled.  "Looks like those anarchists are using the Hypernet again.  For all
we know, they've already reached Earth's moon."
     "Sir," Edgar Allen Poe, the nominal captain of the PLS Tell-Tale Heart,
said.  "Hadn't we better slow down to wait for the rest of Hell to catch us?"
     "No!" Hoover said, his cigar smoke billowing in Poe's face.  "You're
in league with the communists, aren't you, Poe?  You'd love to see them get
their hands on the Eiffel Thing first, wouldn't you?"
     "No, no!" Poe exclaimed.  "Ameeeeri-ca, the beeeauuuu-tiful..."
     "You'd better not be in league with 'em," Hoover said.  "Everyone knows
that Eiffel is one of the conditions posited by Karl Marx as being necessary
for the commie revolution.  The Eiffel Tower was a monument to this twisted
thinking.  You understand, Poe?"  Poe gulped and nodded, not understanding a
bit.  "Good.  Full speed for Earth!"
     Meanwhile, Tane Tessier and *her* mega-armada (there does seem to be an
awful lot of them in this series, no?) sped on it's way to Earth's moon.
     "What's our E.T.A?" Tane asked.
     "Three hours, my lady," Bob, her adjutant, told her.
     "I wasn't asking about our Estimated Time of Arrival, you goob," Tane
said.  "What's our Evil and Tacky Attitude?"
     "I'll check," Bob said.  "Not so evil at the moment, as we haven't
destroyed very much lately.  The tackyometer is going wild, though - it seems
the episode began in an extraordinarily tasteless fashion."
     "I see," Tane said.  "Maintain full speed."
     "I feel...weird," Katayin said.  "Like I've got a slight tickle inside
that I can't get rid of."
     "Me too," Benchen replied.  "Cheif, what can it be?"
     "The gods must be angry, that we are taking so long to sacrafice Gham to
them," Ragnuruk said.  "We may not have the luxury of taking her back to the
volcano - it may be necessary to kill her on sight, to appease the gods."
     "Benchen, can we talk?" Katayin said.  Benchen nodded, and the two slipped
off to the broom closet of the Toaster, which had become their de facto
sleeping quarters since the events of the Space Toaster Attack! miniseries.
     "What is it, Katayin?" Benchen asked.
     "Are you sure we must sacrafice this girl, Gham?" she asked.  "I know that
when we met her underneath Kookamonga IX, she was just a hologram projected
by the Preserves' AI, Cylla, but..."
     "I have had doubts about that as well," Benchen admitted.  "On this long
trip we have taken in this spacegoing Toaster, I have seen so many marvelous
things, so many incredible things, so many goofy things, that I have begun to
doubt the existance of the gods at all.  Surely, popping a young woman into
an active volcano isn't necessary to keep all these creations in existance."
     "We must do something," Katayin said.  Benchen did not nod, instead
opting to hold Katayin close.  Outside, Nat Rephue removed the glass from the
door and quietly tiptoed away.
     "It's as if the ship knows where we're going," Emma said, looking at
the readouts flashing in front of her.  They showed the net nodes that the
Red Emma was hurtling through at fabulous speeds, each node bringing them
closer to Earth.  "It's as if the ship was already attuned to the net.  You
don't suppose Satan designed it that way purposely?"
     "Maybe," Machiavelli said.  "Who knows how such a devious mind works?"
     "Why do you think I asked you?" Emma replied.  They chuckled a bit.
Behind them, Gham reclined on a couch, smoking a regular tobacco-type
cigarette, looking very relaxed.  Jerriphrrt, Slithis, and Benjen, refreshed
after taking long, cold showers, checked the ships equipment.
     "Everything's functional," Jerriphrrt purred.
     "Everything except the chronometer," Slithis added.
     "Which is inactive since time doesn't pass while we're here," Benjen said.
     "We should be coming out soon," Time Agent 173 noted.  "Get strapped in,
everyone."  Shadebeam and Slithis strapped into a chair, while Gham joined
a blushing Benjen in strapping into another chair, and Emma Goldman, Niccolo
Machiavelli, Time Agent 173, Jerriphrrt, and Tarrfel t'Krodkzik strapped into
seperate chairs.  The ship shook, and the stars reappeared.  A large blue
planet loomed before the ship.
     "Is this th' Earth?" Tarrfel asked.  "Ah've heard a lot about it, but
this is th' first ah've seen of it."
     "Yep," Jerriphrrt replied.  "Cheeseburgers, pro wrestling, Cindy
Crawford...Earth is truly a wonderful planet.  Unfortunately, we're not going
to land on it.  We're heading for it's satellite, the Moon."  The blue orb
in front of them drifted away, to be replaced by a dull, yellowish orb, one
that had recently had a large hunk blown out of it.
     "What happened to it?" Tarrfel asked.
     "Um, long story," Jerriphrrt said, a bit embarassed.
     "Sensors detect a small opening in the far side of the moon," Machiavelli
said.  "Looks like we've found where those cons are hiding."
     "Odd that they left the enterance open," Time Agent 173 mused.  "It's like
they were expecting us."
     "They may be expecting someone," Machiavelli said.  "They probably are
thinking of reselling the jewel for truly obscene amounts of money.  At any
rate, we're making our descent.  Gravity's one/sixth of nominal gravity, so
be ready once we disembark."  The Red Emma approached the opening, and slipped

Date:         Mon, 7 Sep 1992 13:40:00 EST
From:         "What am I doing in Indiana?" (GEBROWN at INDSVAX1.BITNET)
Subject:      Episode 1 of Captain Galaxy

001sf: SfStory

                  Captain Galaxy Episode 1

        Lieutenant Jeet Querber ran his hands swiftly over the control
panel of the little shuttle.  Soundlessly, the shuttle rose off the dusty
surface of the first moon of Vigor, the second planet in the Robase system.

        Querber pushed the throttle to 65% maximum, and the little ship sped
off into the void of space.  Looking at the multi-band display, the lieutenant
could see his objective.  It hung in space over the moon like a spider dangling
by a single strand of web.  On its side was painted the flag of the
commonwealth, the number 12, and the name of the ship:  C.I.S.S. Avenger.

        As Querber approached within a hundred miles of the larger ship,
he flipped on the vid-link.  The smiling face that appeared on the monitor
was that of the ship's communications specialist, Art Flaker.

        "Hi there, Art," said Querber.

        "Hello, Lieutenant," said Flaker, "We were wondering when you'd be

        "Well, here I am," said Querber, "am I cleared to dock?"

        "Sure thing," said Flaker, "We'll have the reception committee ready."

        "Right, see you in a few," laughed Querber, and switched off the

        Jeet's docking procedure was a textbook job.  He was too good an
officer to let it be anything less.  A minute after docking, the airlock opened,
and he climbed out of his shuttle, and into the hanger bay of the Avenger.

        Virtually the entire ship's company was waiting there, aside from a
few needed to maintain the ship's systems.

        The ship's commander, Captain Galaxy, sat at the end of one of three
long tables which had been errected in the hangar bay. He motioned, and two
of marines walked over to the shuttle.  Querber helped them unload the boxes
from the cargo bay, then went back to close up the cargo doors.

        The boxes were distributed among the tables, and all waited for the
captain's signal.

        "Well, crew," said Captain Galaxy, opening the box in front of him
to reveal a double pepperoni pizza with extra cheese, "let's eat."


        As the crew of the Avenger enjoyed their pizza party, far away
in the heart of the Zorgoth Empire, Lord Blex enjoyed nothing.  Actually,
to tell the truth, he didn't enjoy nothing.  He didn't enjoy anything, and not
even nothing could bring him to enjoyment.  Enjoyment was simply an emotion
that was not within his range.  Satisfaction he could experience, upon recieving
reports of Commonwealth Fleets massacred or innocent civilians tortured to
death, but enjoyment was not something he ever had, or was ever likely to
experience.  This made him one of the most feared commanders in the empire,
but it also made him an incredible bore.

        Major Murkrath Vark could experience enjoyment, and sometimes did.
As was typical for a Zorgoth, he didn't experience it often, but the fact that
he sometimes did aggravated Lord Blex no end.  If there was anything that Lord
Blex could enjoy, it would have been yelling at Major Murkrath Vark because of
Vark's capacity for enjoying things.

        As it was, Lord Blex didn't enjoy that, although if he yelled loud
enough and made enough threats he could get Vark to cringe slightly, and this
was to Lord Blex very satisfying.  Vark was not the type to cringe easily,
and Lord Blex reasoned that if he could get Vark to cringe, he must be
especially terrifying.  That was what he wanted to be, and hence, he was

        Although satisfaction was possible for him, the emotion that Lord
Blex was best at was hate.  He hated his underlings for the fact that they
were not as important as he was.  He hated his superiors for the fact that they
were more important than him.  He hated his equals on general principles.
He hated the Imperial Home planet because that was where he was, and he hated
the Imperial outlying planets because that was where he wasn't.

        Most of all, he hated the Commonwealth.  After eons of pillaging,
looting, sacking, and ravaging various planets in the expansion of the empire,
the Zorgoths had finally run up against an enemy they couldn't beat in one
battle, possibly one they couldn't beat at all.  The Imperial high command was
furious about this.  They had already executed five fleet commanders for
failing to defeat the Commonwealth.  Lord Blex was the new commander.  If he
had been commander at any earlier time in the Zorgoth Empire's history, he
would have been satsified, and might have even enjoyed it just a little bit.
Right now, he was not satisfied, and somewhat irritated about it.  He may
have been a little fearful too, though he would never have admitted it, even
to himself.  Being Imperial Fleet Commander was no longer something he wanted
to be.  This was the Commonwealth's fault.  And he was mad.

        Out of all the commonwealth, the people he hated most were the
commanders of the Independent Scouts.  These ships were sent out to find
new allies for the Commonwealth.  Their commanders had broad diplomatic and
military license, and were also charged with finding new ways to combat the
Empire.  He hated the ships and he hated their commanders.  He had actually
met one once, and naturally, this one he hated most of all.  This one was
coincidentally, enjoying himself at the moment, as he downed another slice
of double pepperoni pizza.


        Galaxy was the captain's real name.  His first name was Julius, and
he was the only son of Herman and Victoria Galaxy.  He had joined the navy
simply because he thought "Captain Galaxy" sounded neat.  He was right about
that.  Despite his somewhat unorthodox reasons for joining the fleet, he was
a good commander, and had gained command of an Independent Scout after a
daring escape from the clutches of the Zargoths.  This had put him in command
of the C.I.S.S. Avenger.  He enjoyed his job.  He enjoyed fighting the
Zargoths.  He enjoyed finding allies to fight the Zargoths.  He enjoyed keeping
his ship in fighting trim.  Had Lord Blex known this, he would have sent out the
entire fleet simply to kill Captain Galaxy.  Lord Blex, though, didn't know
to what degree Captain Galaxy enjoyed things.  He did know that Galaxy enjoyed
some things though, and although he didn't send out the entire fleet after
Captain Galaxy, he sent a squadron of heavily armed Star Dreadnoughts
out with this express purpose.  For, as captain Galaxy had made his escape,
he had chuckled at Lord Blex.  And Lord Blex certainly did NOT enjoy being
chuckled at.


        Under the command of Commodore Urgfelt, the heavily armed Star
Dreadnoughts hid on the other side of the star Robase from the planet Vigor,
around the first moon of which the Avenger orbited.  As luck would have it,
the Dreadnoughts were hiding there for a completely different reason, and
knew nothing of the Avenger's presence.  If they had, they would have attacked
immediately.   As it was, they were desperately running their sensors, trying
to figure out where the Avenger was, unaware that there was a significantly
sized star inbetween them.

        Commodore Urgfelt roared, and smashed a piece of furniture with a
large gauntleted fist.

        "You imbeciles," he yelled at his crew,  "We almost had them, how
could you lose them?"

        "As I recall," said the snooty voice of Lieutenant Commander Drenek,
a member of an aristocratic Zorgoth family, "It was you who suggested the
evasive maneuvers which put that dust cloud between us."

        Urgfelt growled at Drenek.

        "We have the finest Imperial tracking sensors," he yelled, "Now it
will be months before we find them again.  If we don't, Blex will have my
head on a plate."

        "This is not our problem, "said Drenek, who knew that it was futile
for a commander to try to blame his subordinates.

        Urgfelt punched Drenek and retreated to his quarter.  Despite his
Zorgoth nature, he had enjoyed punching Drenek very much.  He thought that
he should do it more often.





for the answers to these, and other thrilling questions, stay tuned
for the next episode of (dramatic fanfare)

                        CAPTAIN GALAXY!!!!!
Date:         Mon, 7 Sep 1992 15:40:00 EST
From:         "What am I doing in Indiana?" (GEBROWN at INDSVAX1.BITNET)
Subject:      episode twos

001SF: SFStory

                       Captain Galaxy Episode Two

        "Set a course for the F'leerk'va system," said Captain Galaxy,
settling into his commander's chair in the main control bridge and combat
information center of the Avenger.

        "Aye Sir," said Senior Lieutenant Andrea Skeiner, the ship's
navigation officer.

        "If I may be permited to ask, Captain, why F'leerk'va," asked
Commander Barlduphon, the ship's first officer, a reptilian from Torgassia
who spoke in a clipped, precise accent which was difficult on his tongue,
but kept him from sounding like he was hissing.

        "I recieved a message from high command while we were coming out of
orbit," replied the captain, "Put it on the main screen, Mr. Flaker."

        Flaker pressed a series of buttons, and the large vid-screen on
the port side of the bridge flashed into life.  Admiral Claghorn's face
appeared on the screen.

        "Captain Galaxy," said the image of the Admiral, "I have recieved
a report that I find most distressing.  Three hours ago, I recieved a
transmission from the planet F'leerk'va, which is deep within our own space.
The message said that a patrol had claimed that they had spotted a
Zorgoth ship in their sector.  I sent a message back that they should
send out another patrol to investigate further.  Twenty minutes ago, I
recieved another message.  The second patrol they sent out never reported
back.  I want you and the Avenger to go to F'leerk'va and investigate this
fully.  End of transmission."

        "Course is set, Captain," said Lieutenant Skeiner.

        "Right, ready for hyperwarp," said the Captain, "Go on my signal."

        Skeiner quickly pressed the hyperwarp alarm then strapped herself in.
The captain was well known for giving quick commands for hyperwarp before
everyone was...

        "Go!" announced the Captain.

Skeiner, resignedly, hit the hyperwarp button.


        "Something just left this system in hyperwarp," said the face on
Commodore Urgfelt's cabin viewscreen.

        "So?" said the captain implying incompetence on the part of his crew.

        "Its hw signature is consistent with the ship we were tracking," came
the reply.

        "Well follow it!" roared Urgfelt, "Can't you do something like that
without bothering me?"

        "Sir, it's headed to the heart of the commonwealth," said the nervous
face on the screen.

        "Follow it anyway," said Urgfelt in a sarcastically gentle tone of

        "Just checking," said the face.  The monitor blipped off.

        The hyperwarp alarm blared, and Urgfelt strapped himself to his bed,
and went to sleep.


        Jeet Querber and Lieutenant "Bonecrack" Hendershot, leader of the
Avenger's marine detatchment, were playing a card game, as well as could be
played in the turbulence of hyperwarp.  As even magnetic cards were likely to
bump and jostle a bit, they had to confine themselves to fairly simple games.

        "Do you have any queens?" asked Bonecrack.

        "Go fish," replied Jeet.

        Bonecrack pulled a card off the top of the deck, then laid a pair
face down on the table in front of him.

        "That's fourteen pairs for me," he said. "I win again."

        "Are you bored with this yet?" asked Jeet.

        "Bored?  With Go Fish?" asked Bonecrack.

        Jeet's mind was hard at work trying to figure out if marines
were recruited or herded.  He eventually decided that the latter must be
true.  Either that or they had rigorous intelligence tests which were designed
to make sure that no marine had any sense outside of a military millieu.

        Jeet didn't have time to ruminate upon this much longer, as his
companion had dealt out the cards once again and was ready to play.

        "Okay," said Jeet, "Ya got any threes?"


        "Report from spy ship x-34/z2kprc19.7," said Major Murkrath Vark,
rattling off the code name as if it were part of his everyday conversation.

        "What does it say," asked Lord Blex.

        "It says they encountered three commonwealth patrol ships near
F'leerk'va and sucessfully destroyed them," reported Vark faithfully.

        "Those idiots," grumbled Lord Blex," finest camoflauge system in
the galaxy and they attack.  Don't they know that the purpose of a spy
mission is to maintain secrecy?  And why are they sending us a report?
Have they never heard of radio silence?"

        "I have expressed views similar to these to the captain of spy ship
x-34/z2kprc19.7 already," said Vark, "and have put in a request for permission
to flog said captain when and if he returns from his mission.  In your name, of

        "Ah, satisfactory work," said Lord Blex, giving his highest usual
compliment," I shall attend to the flogging personally."

        "Yes, My Lord," said Vark, quietly exiting the room.

        Lord Blex had been so satisfied with the Major's actions that he
had forgotten to attempt to make him cringe.  This made him angry, and the
satisfaction evaporated quickly.


        The Avenger lurched violently to the starbord side, wrenching
Jeet Querber's gut where it was not meant to go.   Bonecrack Hendershot
still sat across from him smiling broadly.  Jeet  had eaten a little
too much pizza at the party, and did not feel that he was
any condition to be playing any games, but having lost 37 games of Go Fish
in a row, he was honor-bound to continue.

        "How about sevens," he said queasily.

        "Go Fish," intoned his opponent.

        He drew an ace, which under the circumstances, was probably the least
useful card in the deck for him.

        "Any aces?" asked Bonecrack.

        Jeet handed over his recent gain, and watched as the marine counted
up his pairs and declared another victory.  The ship lurched again, and Jeet
happily passed out.

        If you've ever ridden a roller coaster backwards, through all the
many twists, hills, and loops, then you have some idea of what coming out of
hyperwarp feels like.  Unlike most of hyperwarp which is like a 747 going
through a thunderstorm, the exit is like a helicopter attempting to fly
through the eye-wall of a category 5 hurricane.  This is why the crew is
strapped in before entering: because you're never sure when the exit run
is going to start.

        Jeet was startled back to conciousness by the final lurch of the ship
just before the exit was complete.  Bonecrack was still across from him,
now playing solitaire, and still smiling.

        "We're here," said Bonecrack, as the buffetting abruptly stopped.

        The exit whistle sounded, and Bonecrack stood up.

        "Inspection time," he said, grinning, "Seeya later Querber."

        Hendershot left the room, as determined looking as ever. Jeet sat for
a few more minutes.  A tone went off on the side of his chair.

        "Wardroom," he said to the speaker.

        "Lieutenant Querber," said the voice of Commander Barlduphon,
"you are instructed to ready your shuttle for patrol."

        "Yes, sir," said Jeet.  The call of duty reinvigorated him, and
he stood up and headed for the hanger deck.


        Obscurely, in the distance behind the Avenger, a squadron of six
dreadnoughts fell out of hyperwarp and assembled in a battle line.  Their
eyes fixed upon their prey, they headed slowly, determinedly forward, intent
only upon the kill.





find out the answers to at least one of these questions in future episodes of

                          CAPTAIN GALAXY!!!!!
Date:         Tue, 8 Sep 1992 14:07:00 EST
From:         "What am I doing in Indiana?" (GEBROWN at INDSVAX1.BITNET)
Subject:      captain galaxy

001SF: SFStory

                     Captain Galaxy Episode Three

        On board Zorgoth Spy Ship x-34/z2kprc19.7 everyone seemed to be
angry.  The captain was angry at the engineers for having been asleep
at the camoflauge system switch.  The second in command was angry at the
captain for being the captain.  The engineers were angry at the captain
for yelling at them.   The communications officer was angry at the high
command for sending a message that he did not consider very polite. (and
it's hard to seem impolite to a Zorgoth).  Everyone was angry at the ship's
cook who didn't seem to know how to cook anything but the Zargoth analogue
of ramen noodles.

        Obviously they had to do something.  The captain called them
together in the lounge about 10 minutes after the message was recieved,
and they all sat around fuming at each other for 5 minutes or so.  Finally,
the navigator spoke, and a consensus was reached almost immediately.

        "Let's get the hell out of here," were the exact words which were
agreed upon.  Zorgoths are not ones to flee at the sight of the enemy, but
they couldn't have conquered a large chunk of space without some sense.

        The engineers returned to their cubbyhole they called a machine
room, and prepared to fire up the hyperwarp.  The First Officer and the
navigator headed for the bridge to make their calculations.  The communications
officer and both sensor technicians headed for their quarters to strap
themselves in.  The weapons officer and the medic took the ship's cook
back to the docking port to throw him out the airlock, and the captain
stayed in the lounge and fumed.


        Jeet Querber finished directing the refueling of his shuttle, and
was checking the systems one final time before takeoff.  Over in another
part of the hanger, the other shuttle pilot was doing much the same thing.
In between, Lieutenant Hendershot was watching his sergeant drill the marines.

        "All ready, shuttle 1" said Jeet into the com-port on the shuttle's

        A few minutes later, the shuttle was outfitted with a mission crew.
Jeet was the pilot.  Lieutenant Skeiner was commander, which Jeet didn't mind
at all, considering Skeiner was what has been referred to by some as "a
bodacious babe."  Art Flaker was the comm tech, and the sensors were operated
by a short orange creature named Norman, who had 3 inch long tusks and could
see in the dark.  To top this off, Hendershot and two marines, Duane and Marco,
insisted on coming along for "security reasons."

        And so, slightly overloaded, Avenger Shuttle #1 left the hangar deck,
and headed out into space searching for a spy.

        The two shuttles from the avenger were joined by three more ships
from the planet's surface.  Captain Galaxy, commanding the expedition from
shuttle 2, had them spread out in a pattern which from one angle, looked
like the spots on the 5 side of a die.  Shuttle 1 was in the "upper left
corner" (as if Up has any real meaning in interstellar space).  It was just
their luck that they happened to be the ones to find the spy ship.


        "Gosh, guys," Spy Ship x-34/z2kprc19.7's ship's cook was saying,
"Do you really think it's safe for me to go into the airlock without a suit?"

        "Of course it's safe," said the weapons officer, "If it wasn't safe,
would we ask you to do it?  I think not.  I'm a security man.  I thrive on
danger.  If it weren't safe, I'd be doing it."

        "Well, since it's safe, why aren't you doing it," said the cook, hitting
the one weak link in the weapons officer's chain of logic.

        "Well," said the weapons officer, after thinking a few seconds," I
don't want to wear myself out doing safe work.  That way I'll be fresh and
healthy for when there's unsafe work to do.  See?"

        The cook reluctantly admitted that he did see, and was resigned to
stepping into the airlock when the red alert klaxon sounded, and his tormentors
sped off toward their posts, leaving the cook to go to his usual
battlestation of crouching in the fetal position behind a large appliance.


        "They're firing on us!" yelled Jeet, stating what was obvious to
well over half the crew.

        "Retreat to a safe distance," said Skeiner at the same time as
Hendershot said, "Get in close."

        Jeet, facing either charges of insubordination or the wrath of an
enraged Hendershot did the only logical thing--nothing at all.

        "Move!" yelled the two other officers at the same time.

        "I say we board 'em!" proposed Hendershot enthusiastically.

        "Yeah," intoned Duane and Marco, intent on backing up their chief.

        "We'll retreat and wait for reinforcements," announced Skeiner.

        "I agree," agreed Art.

        "Me too," confirmed Norman.

        Jeet, having not only the deciding vote, but control of the ship,
began a series of evasive maneuvers neither increasing nor decreasing his
range from the Spy Ship.


        "What is that maniac doing?" wondered the Zorgoth captain.

        "He's doing a series of evasive maneuvers without changing his
range from our ship," replied his first officer.

        "I see that, you idiot," growled the captain, "I was wondering why!"

        "I don't know, sir," said the first officer.

        "Shut up," said the captain.  As a mere ship's captain, and not
a squadron commander, he couldn't get away with punching his subordinates
like commodore Urgfelt could.  He wished he could, however, and made his
fist into a ball in a bout of wishful thinking.

        "Cease fire." he barked, "Let's see what he'll do."


        "He's stopped firing," said Hendershot, loudly, "Charge him!"

        Hearing no immediate opposition, Jeet turned straight towards
the spy ship and sped up.

        "Prepare for boarding!" yelled Hendershot.

        "What????!!" said Skeiner.

        "Yes sir," said Duane and Marco.

        The shuttle clamped on to the side of the spy ship, and attatched
the boarding tunnel.  Marco and Duane took out large pieces of demolition
equipment and proceeded to bang a hole in the side of the spy ship.

        "Charge!" yelled Hendershot, plunging headlong into the hole.
Duane and Marco sprang in after him, followed by Norman and Art, who were
a bit caught up in the spirit of the moment.  Querber and Skeiner looked at
each other, shrugged their shoulders, and headed through the breach.


        "Commodore Urgfelt,"  said Drenek, "There appears to be a battle
ahead of us between two small ships."   Drenek could have said "there's
something on our scope," but knew that if he didn't give all the information
he could give, he would be yelled at by the commodore.  The commodore, on
the other hand, rather wished Drenek wouldn't be so thorough, so that
he would have an excuse to yell at him.  As it was, he merely fumed, and
thought about yelling.

        "Put it on my screen," he said.

        The image of the battle which has been described earlier in this
episode appeared on the screen.  Therefore, the author feels no need to
describe it again.

        "That's one of our spy ships." gasped Urgfelt.  "A spy ship,
engaging in open battle!  What kind of imbecile is in command of that ship?"

        "I don't know," said Drenek, "Shall I put in a requisition for
permission for you to flog him?"


        "AAAAAAH!" yelled the marines as they careened down the passageways
of the tiny ship, running at full speed with assorted implements of
destruction arrayed in front of them.

        "AAAAAH! yelled the other crewmen as they followed quickly, armed
only with small laser pistols, but taking ample opportunity to try them out
on doors, walls, the floor, the celling, and the assorted pipes and wires
that crisscrossed the place.

        They reached a place where another corridor crossed the one they
were in at right angles.

        "Let's split up!" yelled Hendershot to nobody in particular, and
took off down the right hand passage, followed by Duane and Marco, still

        With considerable momentum, Norman and Art plodded violently down
the center corridor, not yelling as loud, but inflicting as much random
violence on the ship's interior.

        "Uh, wait, guys," said Skeiner, rushing after her seemingly berserk

        Lieutenant Jeet Querber, trailing the pack, saw that said pack was
splitting up, and decided on principle to take the left passage, since he
felt it was underrepresented.  He did so, running at top speed and yelling
violently for about ten feet, until he was confronted with a rather large
steel wall, which, as he was at that moment completely oblivious to danger,
he ran headlong into, knocking himself unconscious.




and most importantly...


be sure to stay tuned to this listserv for the pulse-pounding excitement of. . .

                          CAPTAIN GALAXY!!!!!
Date:         Thu, 10 Sep 1992 17:14:00 EST
From:         "What am I doing in Indiana?" (GEBROWN at INDSVAX1.BITNET)
Subject:      captain galaxy episode four

                    Captain Galaxy Episode Four

        "AAAAAAAH!" yelled Lieutenant "Bonecrack" Hendershot as he
led his party of marines down the narrow corridors of the Zorgoth spy ship.

        "Look!, a door!" said Duane, noticing a door.

        Hendershot, not noticing the door, proceeded to run through it
with the considerable force of his 250 pound or so frame.  The door snapped
off its hinges, attesting to both Hendershot's strength and the shoddiness
of Zorgoth construction.

        The room the marines found themselves in was obviously a kitchen.
There were pots hanging from the overhead, and a large stove in the middle.
With a crash, the flying door knocked the pots off of the rack they hung on.
They fell onto the stove, with another crash, finally bouncing onto the floor
with what would have been a third crash, was there note a body in the way.

        "OW!" exclaimed said body, announcing its presence.

        The three marines clambered over the stove, and pointed their
extremely lethal looking rifle barrels at the hapless figure of the ship's
cook, who was, of course, the body mentioned earlier.

        "I surrender!" said the cook.

        The marines, whose only previous encounters with Zorgoths had been
with highly trained, fanatical death commandoes, who neither take prisoners
nor become them, were not prepared for this reaction, and stood there for a
minute being mildly confused.   You might think that the cook would have
seized this opportunity to escape, but in this case, he was as much confused
as the marines, as he had expected to be fried immediately upon surrendering,
as his only experience with commonwealth troops had been what he read in the
propaganda comic books distributed by the Zorgoth Imperial Government to try
to induce the common solidery to act like the hightly trained, fanatical death
commandoes and neither take prisoners nor become them.

        How's THAT for sentence structure?


        "Captain," said the spy ship's navigator, "we've finished hyperwarp

        "Right, sound the alarm," answered the captain, oblivious to the
fact that his ship had been boarded.

        As the bridge crew strapped themselves into their chairs, the
navigator calmly hit a button which sounded an alarm on the ship of the
type that would make an ambulance siren sound pleasant.


        "What's that awful noise?" asked Hendershot.

        "Th-that's the hyperwarp alarm," said the hapless ship's cook.

        "Crikey," exclaimed Hendershot, "Duane, Marco, grab the prisoner.
Let's get out of here."

        Duane and Marco dutifully each grabbed the prisoner, nearly tearing
said prisoner in half.  Speedily, they followed their leader who was running
down the corridor at top speed yelling "hyperwarp alert!" the whole time.

        Lieutenant Skeiner, Art, and Norman heard him yelling and beat a
hasty retreat for their own shuttle.  They clambered in after the marines.

        Skeiner jumped in the command chair, and grabbed the shuttle's controls.

        "Everyone here?" she asked.

        "Yeah," said Hendershot, "hey, we got a prisoner."

        "Congratulations," replied Skeiner, "Hold on."

        The shuttle's thrusters fired, pushing it away from the spy ship.
Skeiner swiftly turned it around, and jamming the throttle to 100%, flew
the shuttle clear, just as the the spy ship's engines kicked in.

        The shuttle crew breathed a sigh of relief, and Skeiner did a
quick head count.  She counted a second time.  Then mentally checked her
        "Where's Jeet?" she asked.

        Here follows an explanation of the phases which the next line of
dialogue of Lieutenant "Bonecrack" Hendershot went through:  "Well, I. . ."
(Attempt to explain) "He was. . ." (blaming it on the victim) "He couldn't
have been. . ." (rationalization to self, and finally) "Darn." (admittance
of defeat).

        "Art, get the Captain on the vid-link," said Skeiner calmly," He'll
probably want to hear about this."


        "The spy ship has hyperwarped away," said Lieutenant Commander
Drenek, looking at the large screen on the wall of the dreadnought's flag
        "I can see that for myself, you twit," said Commodore Urgfelt,
looking at the same screen.  "You don't have to tell me everything.  Anyways,
the spy ship is not our concern.  We're after that commonwealth ship.  It's
too dangerous to try to take her here in the middle of commonwealth territory,
but she'll head towards the fringes soon, and then she's space dust!"

        Drenek looked up at his chief.  What a moron, he thought.


        "Captain, we've lost Lieutenant Querber," said Senior Lieutenant Skeiner
after the vid-link had been established.

        "Lost him?  As in he's dead?" asked Captain Galaxy bluntly.

        "No, we just lost him." said Skeiner, obviously embarrased.  "We engaged
the Zorgoth spy ship, and boarded it,"  she continued.

        "Boarded it?" asked Captain Galaxy incredulously.  "I take it this
was Hendershot's idea."

        "Isn't that the purpose of marines, sir?" asked Hendershot, "we got
a prisoner."

        "And lost an officer," the captain added.  "What happened then?"

        "The spy ship was preparing to go to hyperwarp," said Skeiner.
"We quickly made our way back to our own shuttle, and cut off from the
enemy ship."

        "So he's still aboard," said the captain.  "I suppose we'll have
to follow him.  Get a trace on their last trajectory, then get back to the
Avenger.  Galaxy out."

        The screen went blank.

        "Oh well," said Hendershot, "C'est la guerre!"

        Skeiner glared at him.


        Jeet awoke to see four Zorgoths standing over him.  Not exactly the
best thing to wake up to, but the fact that they hadn't killed him in his
sleep made him feel encouraged about the whole situation.

        "He's awake." said the Zorgoth medic.

        "I see that, Borklav," said the Zorgoth captain.

        "Now, Human scum," he asked Jeet, "why did you attack our ship."

        "Because you were spying deep within commonwealth space," Jeet

        "We were not!" protested the captain.  "We were never near
commonwealth space.  We were doing a meteor survey on the far side of the
Empire.  Why were you there?"

        "Not in commonwealth space?" said Jeet. "You were in the F'leerk'va

        "We were?" asked the Zorgoth captain.

        After a moment's silence, the captain spoke again.

        "I'm going to have to have a little talk with our navigator."





(You already asked that one, and I repeat, "yeah, right".)


(It's a silly question.)


(Just get on with it.)


for the answers to these and other obligatory questions, look for the
next exciting episode of. . .

                        CAPTAIN GALAXY!!!!!
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