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Sfstory Log 021

Subject:     Wherein Nathan writes some more........
From:        Nathan Irwin (UD140680 at NDSUVM1)

     "Too bad, Earthlings." said Murgletwit.  "Freddy's gonna munch on
you guys for dinner."

     "Oh." said Louie, unable to think of anything else.

*Author's note: The previous line, (but not the one before it), also
appeared in my LAST posting.  I put it in HERE, as a lead-in to the

     "No, he WON'T!!" said a mysterious voice.  "*I* won't LET him."

     "Go AWAY, Stu!" yelled Murgletwit.  Suddenly, all the lights in the
room went out.  There was a frightened shriek from Murgletwit and the
sound of a very BIG Gerbil running away, down the hall.  When the lights
came back on, the Super-Destructive, Carnivorous Gerbil from Glucose VII
was, indeed, gone, and Murgletwit had simultaneously passed out and wet
his pants.  The Doctor was sitting in a corner, gibbering.

     As our three heroes left the wreckage of Dr. Biggfeet's lab, Louie
said to Bubba, "I wonder what caused those lights to go off all of a

     "I did." said Stu.

     Upon hearing Stu's voice, and not seeing a body to go with it, Zark
proceeded to pass out again.  Louie almost wet his pants.  Bubba,
however, was not affected in the slightest.

     "What's WRONG?" asked Bubba.  "Ain't you guys ever seen a GHOST

     "A guhhhh," said Louie, "A gho....  a ghaaaa."

     "Clang." said the metal floor as it was hit by Louie's body, who
was passing out at the time.

     When Louie and Zark came to, Stu explained that he was, indeed,
the one who had turned off all the lights, and that he was, indeed, also
a ghost.  For the sake of Louie and Zark, he agreed to take on a visible,
yet not entirely tangible form.  This made it easier for all concerned,
especially those who had a tendency to pass out when encountering a

     "So, what do we do KNOW, guys?" asked Louie.

     "Well, YOU wanted to find and save all those North Dakotans."
suggested Bubba.

     "Yeah.  That's right!  Stu, you have any idea where they are?"

     "Right this way." said Stu, taking on the form of Bruce Willis.

     So, Stu the Ghost lead our heroes through a maze of hallways, until
they came to a door with a sign that read "Danger!  Beware!  Do not
Enter!  Prosecutors will be Violated!"

     "Right this way." said Stu, opening the door.

     The room was huge (I can't even begin to describe how huge it was,
so I won't even try).  Inside were thousands upon thousands of North
Dakotans - as far as the eye could see.  For some unknown reason, all of
them were comatose at the time, staring blankly in space, as North
Dakotans often do, even when they're awake.

     "How many ARE there?" asked Louie.  "What does Biggfeet WANT with

     "There are a little over sixty thousand of them" said Stu, "This
here is everyone from Grand Forks, Jamestown (now rubble), and Minot.
As for what the Doctor wants with them, he intends to use them to take
over the world."

     "Huh?" asked Louie. "How are sixty thousand comatose North Dakotans
gonna conquer the world?" (New Yorkers are always skeptical about North

     "Apparently, Biggfeet just invented what could be the most powerful
weapon on earth - a Spam-powered Death-to-all combine.  Eventually, he
intends to build sixty thousand of them, and, of course, they'll need

     "Of course!" shouted Louie, "And who would make the best drivers?
North Dakotans!!  With those combines, he could alter the balance of
world power!"

     "How many has he made so far?" asked Bubba.

     "Ummmm..... three." said the ghost.

     "We've gotta stop him before he builds any more!" yelled Zark, who
did NOT pass out.  *Author's note again: I have decided not to make Zark
pass out all the time, as it difficult to develop a character who passes
out every time he tries to speak.  In the future, Zark's face will not be
having intimate knowledge of the ground as much as does now.  Please keep
reading, and Thank you for your support.*

     The others agreed, and within moments, were using every means they
could find to try to wake up the comatose N. Dakotans.  They tried
shouting at them, yelling "Fire!", "Earthquake!", and even "COSBY's on
TV!  You're MISSING it!".  They tried offering them money, giving them a
good, swift kick, and beating them about the head with Louie's guitar,
but nothing worked.  After several minutes, the gang sat down, to rest
and to figure out a new tactic.

     They couldn't come up with any.

     "Say," said Louie, "did you guys know it's fishing seaon?"

     Immediately, sixty thousand North Dakotans woke up, and began to
race to the door.  Zark, Louie, and Bubba quickly got out of their way,
so as to avoid being trampled.  Stu, of course, had nothing to fear,
being a ghost.

     Thirty seconds later, sxity thousand now-conscious North Dakotans
burst out of Doctor Biggfeet's secret lab (disguised as an Amoco station)
and immediatley began to sprint to the nearest lake, river, or anything
that looked like it may have a fish in it, somewhere. (North Dakotans
LOVE to fish, y'know.)

     After all the dust had settled, Stu said, "Come on, boys, we've
got to destroy Biggfeet's Spam-powered combines.  Then, we can look for
a quick way out of here.  Follow me."  With that, he took the form of
Robin Williams and led them through the corridors of Biggfeet's
headquarters once more.


Hmmm......That gives me an idea......Keep reading SFSTORY!

***** Entry appended 06:36 on Mon, 05/23/88 by UD140680 at NDSUVM1  # 240 *****
Subject:     Wherin Trudy Tetwaters is admitted to be the first female
From:        Eric, Lord Sabre (BURNS at MAINE)

     Trudy navigated the Antiphysics eddies with the training and
practice that only a licenseced Space Heroine can achive.  Her only
worry was that the WarpShip's Neutranized Radiation would wear off.
This would have the rough effect of falling from a jet at thirty
thousand feet with only a pizza and extra cheese (no anchovies, extra
mushrooms) to break your fall.
     Suddenly, secure in the knowledge that one more microsecond and
she'd be dead, Trudy broke the atmoshere and reentered normal physics.
All the stars and worlds around her smiled with the collective appreciation
of a job well done.
     That's when the Anthrax IV government ships began firing on her.
     With the trained reflexes of a Time Police Major, Trudy snapped her
deflector shields and blew away three of the government ships with
photon torpedos before hitting the communications panel activator (as
taught to her by Time Police Academy Commendent Zark Flyby).
     "This is Time Police Major Trudy Tetwaters!  Explain your actions!"
     The blue-skinned humanoid (which reminded her of her first partner,
Time Agent Varneyloop (future from now, past to her--I feel there should
be some paradox in this story) who was also from Anthrax IV) paled at
this, as the last thing he wanted was the Time Police on his tail.
     Actually, the LAST thing he wanted was a hickey from the Giant
Space Turnip, but the Time Police on his tail was a close second.;
     "Er, how did you get in that Warp Ship...and," he looked around
nervously, "is Meeedlebaum Quarzitonix with you?"
     "I Neutranized it," she responded, "and no, Meeedlebaum didn't
want to risk it."
     "Then...he's alive?" the blue skinned huminoid asked fearfully.
     "Needlewarp!" he shouted.
     "You watch your language," Trudy said, Phasering a Anthrax IV
ship to emphasize her point.
     "Yes ma'am." he answered.
     "Now then, what's all this about Meeedlebaum?"
     "Well," he said, "the planet's economy's in really bad shape, you
see.  We're four hundered and sixty seven thousand trillion galactibucks
in debt."
     Trudy whistled a low whistle, that no one in real life would use,
but is often found in these adventure stories.
     "Anyway, we had Meeedlbaumsign a five hundered thousand trillion
insurance policy which we were going to use to alliviate our debt."
     "But no insurance company can afford that!"
     "Oh, I know, but our debts will transfer to that company, along
with a thirty-three thousand trillion debt they'd owe us above and
beyond the other debts.  With that, the company would declare bankruptcy
and fold, but we're in the clear, eh?"
     "But if he's still alive...."
     "Maybe we can make a deal," Trudy said, an idea forming in her head.
"If you let me have this WarpShip, there'll be no evidence of Meeedlebaum's
     "Yeah...." said the blue skinned humanoid.
     And so it came to pass that Time Police Major Trudy Tetwaters flew
off in her own Warp Ship.  Deciding to name it after her first serious
crush, she christened it the HMS Intern!

     NOW ARE?

The answers to the questions postulated above can be extrapolated
by a simple perusal of the next edifiying edition of SFSTORY CSNOTICE,
the discussion with intellectual merit.

***** Entry appended 17:42 on Mon, 05/23/88 by BURNS at MAINE       # 241 *****
Subject:     Wherein the reader gets TWO battles for the price of ONE!
From:        Nathan Irwin (UD140680 at NDSUVM1)

     Lieutenant Zark Flyby, Bubba the Wanton and Invincible Death
Merchant From Hell, Louie Stevens, and Stu the Ghost were racing
through Doctor Biggfeet's not-so-hidden-anymore lab, beneath Minot,
North Dakota, looking for his Spam-powered Death-to-all combines.

     (Deep Breath)

     Outside, the collective populations of Minot, Grand Forks, and
Jamestown, North Dakota, were wreaking havoc on the rest of the world.

     But that's another story.....

     Anyway, Zark, Bubba, et al soon found themselves in front of a door
marked, "Spam-powered Death-to-all combine testing facilities and parking
garage.  Do NOT enter."  They agreed that this would probably be a good
place to look for the combines, so they tried the door, only to find out
find out that it was locked.  A blast from Bubba's Personal Nuker solved
THAT problem rather quickly, and the four proceeded to enter.

     As soon as they were inside, they spotted one of the combines.  That
was the GOOD news.  The BAD news was that Doctor Ivan Biggfeet, Dictator
Wanna-Be, was driving it, and had its weapons pointed straight at them...

     Meanwhile, outside, the mob of North Dakotans was looting and
pillaging Minot.  All together, they got about sixty-five cents and a few
bus tokens.  Apparently, North Dakotans aren't very good at looting and

     Down below, Doctor Biggfeet was firing his Sub-Molecular Omnideath
Kit and Electro-Enhanced Masher (SMOKE-EM) at Louie, Bubba, and Zark, who
were, in turn, trying to blast the hell out of IT with their OWN weapons.
Stu, unfortunately, was vainly trying to scare Biggfeet by saying things
like, "Boo!  I'm a ghost!" or by taking on the form of Oprah Winfrey
(which worked a little).  The battle went on like this for a few minutes,
until Bubba noticed the other two Spam-powered combines at the far end
of the room.

     "Cover Me!" he yelled to his comrades.

     "At that point, Zark and Louie began firing like crazy, while
singing "My Country 'tis of Thee" in parallel ninths (for those of you
non-music-majors out there, this has the same effect on the ears as
listening to an artillery battle on your stereo with the volume maxxed
out).  At the same time, Stu took on the form of Doctor Ivan Biggfeet,
confusing the REAL Biggfeet even more.  While Biggfeet was distracted,
Bubba scrambled over to one of the combines and started it up.

     After Bubba fired his SMOKE-EM at Biggfeet, the Doctor turned his
combine around, ignoring Zark, Louie, and Stu, and concentrated HIS
SMOKE-EM on Bubba.  Louie and Zark began taking potshots at Biggfeet
as well as any important-looking machinery they saw.  Stu, now in the
form of Sam Donaldson, asked Biggfeet how he thought the battle was
going, but Biggfeet simply cranked up the engine of his combine and
pretended not to hear anything.

     Finally, Bubba aimed his SMOKE-EM at the ceiling above Biggfeet and
fired, causing the Doctor and his combine to be buried under two tons of
rubble.  Then, he gunned the engine of his own combine, and set it on a
collision course with the third and last one (which was still parked).
Just before impact, he jumped off, and the combines collided with an
explosion that demolished both of them.

     "Boooooooooooooooom!" said the Spam-powered Death-to-all combines,
as they ceased to exist.

     "Yawn." said Bubba, who had seen explosions like this many times

     After everyone had rested for a few minutes, three figures burst
into the room.  One was Murgletwit, Alien and Former Chief Lackey of
Doctor Ivan Biggfeet.  One was Freddy, the Super-Destructive, Carnivorous
Gerbil from Glucose VII.  The other was Smugmuggle, another alien, and a
distant cousin of Murgletwit.  "ATTACK, Freddy!"  yelled Murgletwit,
"Smugmuggle, prepare to fire!"

     Smugmuggle aimed a particularly nasty looking weapon at the group of
humans across the room, setting it for "TOAST those mammas!"  Freddy, on
the other hand, did nothing.

     "FREDDY, ATTACK!" shrieked Murgletwit at the half-ton rodent.  The
half-ton rodent remained motionless.

     While this was going on, Bubba, Zark, and Louie drew their weapons,
while Stu tried to decide what form to take on to face a half-ton rodent.
(Apparently, the idea of becoming a five-ton tomcat never occured to him)

     "FRED-DEE!!!!  *DO* SOMETHING!!" howled Murgletwit.  So, Freddy
turned around and devoured him, much to Murgletwit's chagrin.  After his
cousin had been completely ingested, Smugmuggle stared at the Gerbil for
a while.  Then, he stared at the four humans he was supposed to shoot.
Then he looked back at the Gerbil and remembered what had just happened
to his cousin.  Finally, he dropped his weapon down, turned around, and
ran like hell down the hallway, screaming at the top of his lungs.

     Some aliens have the STRANGEST mourning rituals.

     "Sorry about the mess" apologized the Gerbil, "but that guy was
starting to GET to me.  Always yelling, 'Freddy, do THIS!  Freddy, do
THAT!  Freddy, eat these people!' It was really becoming something of an
annoyance.  Again, so sorry."  Then, he turned his attention away from
the humans, and began to lick the blood off his fur.

     Stu, Zark, Louie, and Bubba looked at each other, then looked at the
gerbil.  Then they ran like like hell down the hallway, screaming at the
top of their lungs.

     After putting a LOT of distance between themselves and Freddy, they
stopped running, and tried to decide what to do next.  Right then, a
loud, thundering, noise (even louder than the stereo the guys next door
play at full volume until four in the morning) filled the hall.

     "Shit!  In HERE!" yelled Stu opening the door to yet ANOTHER room.

     Inside, the four of them saw seven thousand little, green spaceships
taking off and vanishing into the atmosphere.

     "DOUBLE Shit!" yelled Stu, "They're getting away!"

     "Why is it so important that they not get away?" asked Bubba

     "Because," said a voice behind them, "They were here to conquer the
Earth for THEMSELVES.  They figured they'd let Biggmouth back there do
all their dirty work for them, then bump him off and run everything
themselves.  Since that didn't work, they'll just come back with more
ships and kill off everyone on the planet, like they originally planned."

     Four heads turned around to see Smugmuggle behind them, looking

     "And it looks like they've left ME behind." he sighed.

     "So, what do we do now?" asked Louie.

     "I suggest we grab that ship and follow 'em." said Bubba, pointing
to the only ship left the massive room (which happened to be Biggfeet's
hangar).  The ship was large and looked rather like an oversized pencil
with fins and engines and stuff like that sticking out in various

     Thus it came to pass that Bubba, Zark, Stu, Louie, and Smugmuggle
boarded the spaceship, quickly found the bridge, and strapped themsleves
into the acceleration chairs.  Bubba immediately started up the engines.

     Meanwhile, unknown to any of the characters in the bridge, a large
rodent climbed into the ship's cargo area.


*I* know, but I'm not telling, so you'll just have to keep reading

***** Entry appended 05:05 on Tue, 05/24/88 by UD140680 at NDSUVM1  # 242 *****
Subject:     Wherein Zark hears from the Time Police......
From:        Nathan Irwin (UD140680 at NDSUVM1)

     Within a few minutes, Zark and Bubba had their new ship airborne.
After they had left Minot far behind them, Louie asked if he could use
the ship for some personal business before they left the planet.

     "Sure.  Why not?" said Bubba.  Zark concurred.

     So, five minutes later, Louie strafed the NBC studios in Chicago,
killing Oprah Winfrey and wounding a few stagehands.  As the ship soared
into outer space, Louie broke out a few beers, passed them around, and
the entire crew had a short celebration.

     With Louie's business taken care of, Zark assumed command of the
ship, which he christened the HMS Edwin Meese III, naming it after one of
his boyhood heroes.  After ordering Bubba to take the ship out of Earth's
atmosphere, Zark received a Time Police transmission.

     #Lieutenant Zark Flyby, is that YOU?# said the Time Police

     "This is First Lieutenant Zark Flyby, commanding the HMS Edwin
Meese III."  said Zark, putting on a show of great dignity and pride, and
trying to sound like a REAL Time Police Officer, "How did you know it was

     #Who ELSE would pull a stunt like strafing Chicago?  You never
LEARN, do you, Flyby?  Never mind that!  What are you doing right now?#

     "Persuing an alien force, suspected of kidnapping, destruction of
public and private property, and annoying a Time Police Officer."

     #OH!  Well, when you're done with that, report to Time Police HQ
immediately.  'The Chief' has a special mission for you.  You are to
proceed to Destructionvax5 and blow it up.  Think you can handle that?#

     "Yes, Sir."

     #Remember, Flyby, 'The Chief' has his eye on you.  If you do good,
you might make Captain someday.  If you mess up, it's back to the
Academy.  GOT it?"

     "Uh,....YES, Sir.  Lieutenant Flyby, OUT, Sir." (Sucking up is
probably the ONE thing Zark is really GOOD at.)

     #Time Police Headquarters out.#

     "Navig....uh, BUBBA," said Zark, "plot a course for, uh....."

     "Oonglagaloonga" said Smugmuggle.

     "Uh,....RIGHT! HEARD him."

     Bubba sighed and started pressing buttons at random, until he found
the "Follow the Enemy Fleet" button.  Immediately, he pressed THAT
button, too, and the HMS Edwin Meese III disappeared into Warpspace.

     While the ship was in Warpsace, the crew prepared for the battle
ahead of them.  Stu left the bridge, to examine the ship's engines.
Louie familiarized himself with the ship's weaponry.  Zark took this
oppurtunity to polish his armor (not mentioned since SFSTORY V3N001) and
to practice barking orders to his crew.  Meanwhile, Smugmuggle practiced
looking forlorn and dejected (he was getting GOOD at it, too).  Back in
the cargo bay, unbeknownst to the rest of the crew. Freddy the Super-
Destructive, Carnivorous Gerbil from Glucose VII practiced his sleeping,
and dreamed about the plains of his home planet, and stomping on the
small natives.

     The HMS Edwin Meese III came out of hyperspace on the far side of
Quaznit, the larger of Oonglagaloonga's two moons.  Bubba quickly landed
the Meese on the uninhabitted moon, while Stu used the ship's long-range
scanners to search the planet nearby.  The Oonglagaloongans were, indeed,
preparing some sort of massive military buildup, most likely raising an
army to invade Earth.  The crew immediately began to draw up a plan to
stop the buildup.

     Unfortuantely, right at that instant, a time anomaly struck
Onnglagaloonga and its moons.  The result was that the planet (and moons)
would be "frozen in time" for the next few weeks.


Well, I'm going to be on vacation for the next two weeks, but when I come
back, I'll have a whole PILE of new plotlines for Zark and the Gang.
While I'm gone, I want all of you to keep reading SFSTORY.

Should I adopt a pseudonym like the rest of the SFSTORY authors??  If you
have an opinion, email it to me.

***** Entry appended 07:49 on Tue, 05/24/88 by UD140680 at NDSUVM1  # 243 *****
Subject:     Wherin Matt and Linda get saved {or did you expect them to die?}
From:        Eric, Lord Sabre (BURNS at MAINE)

     Matt stared helplessly at the hyperdrive.  It was at times like
this that Matt was forced to remember that he was an English major who
had about as much chance of fixing a malfunctioning HyperDrive as he
did throwing a pile of sand into the air and having it fall exacly into
place as a fully function, double disk drive, harddisk equipped, Bitnet
accessable AT&T XT terminal.
     Linda, whose chances were not much better, also stared at the
Drive.  "Is superbrain repaired?"
     "I don't know, Superbrain, you repaired?"
     *****I can't HEAR you, white boy!!!*****
     "He's repaired.  Question: What is wrong with the HyperDrive?"
     *****The Ionic Storm fused the Tachyon generator--you can't
stop or change course!*****
     "Great.  Query: the list of parts and technology needed to repair
the HyperDrive."
     *****Null list--there are no parts that can repair it.*****
     "Fantastic--Question: what is our destination?"
     "Oh, um, how do I clarify...."
     *****The STAR Necomprendpas, White boy!  You're scoping on the star*****
     "Then we're going to die?"
     *****Looks that way,*****
     Linda and Matt locked eyes and began to kiss maniaclly, to go out
in each other's arms and other comments.  They got so intense that they
didn't hear the intership communicator until the third beep.
     Disentagling herself from Matt, who was getting awfully ardent in his
demands and still hadn't heard the beep, Linda flipped the "Answer the
Message" switch and said "HMS Millenium Badger, Lieutenent Linda Madisen
speaking, HELP!!!!!!!"
     Matt, realising he had nearly screwed up a rescue attempt, blushed.
The skipper took off his hat and hit Matt over the head with it.
     "Millenium Badger, this is Time Police Major Trudy Tetwaters in
the HMS Intern!  Are you aware that you are currently acceletating
at 0.5 Hyperspeed (an undefinable term, but very very fast) towards
the Blue Giant star Necomprendpas?"
     "TRUDY!!!!!!!" shouted Matt, now quite excited, "WE NEED HELP!!!!!"
     "That probably helped," said Linda.
     *****You ever think about a carreer in crisis management?***** asked
     "I'll assume then that you are aware," said Trudy.
     "Sorry," said Matt, who was in fact rather sorry the whole affair
had happened.  "Trudy, can you assist?"
     "Well, its thoreticlly impossible for me to Transport over
from Warp Space to HyperSpace, but lets see what we can do."  There was
a pause as Trudy thought.
     "I've got it!" said Trudy, "is your ship Transix equipped?"
     "Why, yes!"
     "Great, set the Transix to recieve at full Blue!  I'll be right
     "Galahad!  Set the Transix to recieve at full Blue!"
     &The what?&
     "The Transix!"
     "Galahad," said Linda, "beam her up at full Blue!"
     The multidimensional Transix (excuse me, "Beam Her Up Device")
began to glow, not the usual panorama of mutihued colors, but instead
a deep blue.  When it finished, Trudy, wearing nothing but her GODAWFUL
pistol and her now famous Dr. Who underwear (although nether Linda
nor Matt recognized the 11th doctor, adorning one of the cups of her
bra, as he had not taken the role until 1997.)
     "Hmm, I guess I just barely made it," said Trudy, unflapped
in the way that only a true space Heroine could be.
     Matt, a Hero due to his Paladinhood, blushed and tanned both
Linda and Trudy.
     Linda said, "Trudy?  You look...about ten years too old!  We
saw you two weeks ago, and you were only 17."
     "Well, right now, in the past, I am 17, but *I'm* 27 in my
present, which is ten years in your future."
     "I'm in the Time Police."
     "Lets have a look at your hyperdrive."
     They had a look at the runaway Hyperdrive.  Trudy thought for a while,
took out her GODAWFUL blaster (a pistol the size of a Carbine), set it
to "Really Bad Day," and shot the Hyperdrive full of the Sine-wave shaped
     "What are you doing?" shouted Matt, who then saw that the
Hyperdrive had shut down in JUST the nick of time and was now quiet.
He blushed again--wondering why Paladins were the most easily embaressed
out of all the heros.
     "My GODAWFUL Neutranized the Tachyons--its quite good at Neutranizing
most exotic radiations."
     "Oh, so the HyperDrive's fixed?"
     "No, its useless--all power on this ship should be battery reserve
now, and won't last very long."
     "Oh."  Matt felt very small and tired.  Linda gave him a little
smile and a peck on the cheek.  "We can't always be the saviors, Matt,"
she said.
     "Right," said Matt, still dejected but feeling a little better.
     Trudy activated the Communications console.  "HMS Intern computer,
three to beam up, energize."
     A Star-Trek movie style transporter effect pulled the three to the
other ship.  "You see," said Trudy, stepping off the platform, "your
Transix beam, set to blue, absorbs certain wavelengths of radiation
in transporter frequencies.  I gambled it would absorb my transporter
beam into itself, enabling me to cross dimensions.  Now both ships are in
RealSpace, so my Transporter works fine--feel free to use the food
synthisisers while I'm away."  Trudy then stepped to the Captain's
Cabin and set the Clothing Synthisiser to produce a brand spanking
new Time police Working uniform with the correct insignia.
     She walked back to the maine room (containing the bridge controls
and the Transporter--it is a pretty small ship) and saw Matt and Linda
eating Milk and Cookies (Paladins, go figure).  Matt was blathering on
about how THIS was a proper transporter blah blah blah.
     Trudy sat at the Command Console (which combined the commander's
console, the helm console, the navigator's console, the weapons console,
the engineering console, and the communications console--it WAS a
one person WarpShip, after all), and locked Phasers and Photon Torpedos
(standerd weapons on WarpShips, mostly because WarpShips used Star Trek
technology) onto the HMS Millenium Badger.
     "What are you doing?" asked Matt, rising from the chair, hand on
Personal Nuker.
     Trudy, whose training easily would enable her to shoot the weapon
from his hand, hit a few tender spots, kick him where it counts,
and play a hand of solitare before Matt could even squeeze the trigger
and shoot his own foot, did not move, but instead said "Your ship's
computer knows about the plan to destroy Destructionvax5, and that
both you two and the crew of the Challenger II are involved.  It also
knows that 357 has been informed.  It ALSO knows I rescued you, but not
why I'm in the past.  It cannot be allowed to fall into the hands of
the Destructionvax5 Omnivax core!  It would be drained of its knowledge,
and be able to launch a counterattack on us!"
     "But my Deus Ex Machina would protect us," said Linda.
     "Linda, your Deus Ex Machina is what caused your ship to aim for
Necomprendpas, so that I would be here and would rescue can
get're far from invulnerable."
     "How do you know that?"
     Trudy shrugged.  "I'm a liscesed Space Heroine."
     "I'm afraid this is the only way to cover our backs."  With that,
Trudy finished locking the weapons.
     "My ship," moaned Matt.
     "My god," moaned Linda.
     "My condolences," said Trudy, not unfeeling.
     &MY ASS!&  Shouted Galahad over the communications circuts.  He
immediatly threw all his reserve power into the weapons and began
to shoot at the HMS Intern.
     Both Linda and Matt tryed to dissuade the now-killer computer,
but Trudy simply activated the shields and blew the Badger into
      In oblivion, the badger was ripped into small pieces, and the pieces
were thrown back into RealSpace.
     "It's done," said Trudy, who set course heading, then engaged the
Warp Drive.  "Warp four," she announced.
     Back in RealSpace, now light years away, a small computer module
and databack floated, lights blinking in a computerised Death Scream.
Then, softly, it was transported away....


The answers to these questions will be taken into consideration
within the next few weeks of SFSTORY CSNOTICE, where we actually
pay some attention to our plotlines in advance, and don't ALWAYS
make it up as we go along!

***** Entry appended 11:22 on Tue, 05/24/88 by BURNS at MAINE       # 244 *****
Subject:     wherin Steve and Muck-Luck fish for info
From:        Eric, Lord Sabre (BURNS at MAINE)

     Steve Vogel and Lameduck landed the Challenger II just outside
the Pearly Gates.  They got out and looked at the gates.  "Wow," they
said.  It is physiclly, emotionally, and logiclly possible not to say
"Wow" upon first seeing the Pearly Gates.
     At the gates, checking a young woman in, was St. Peter.  He looked
Hung over from Amateur Night at Club Nympho, and was therefore not in THE
best of moods.
     "Name, Job, Spiritual Security Number," he asked Steve, not looking
     "er," said Steve, never a comfortable one in front of Immortals.  "Er,
We aren't dead...we're just here to see somebody."
     St. Peter looked up with a condesending look.  "Lots o' people don't
think they're dead when they get here, mac.  Trust me."
     "No no, we know we're in heaven, its just we traveled here in a ship,
we didn't die."
     "What?"  St. Peter looked at them, then checked his SKG (Soulkardigraph).
"You're right."  He looked up sternly.  "Living Mortals not allowed!"
     "Now look, we just want to talk to someone about--"
     "YOU heard me!"  St. Peter shoved his halo onto the back of his
head.  "Now will you go peacefully or in pieces!"
     "Aw, knock it off, Pete, or I'll have to take my bubblegum back!"
said Lameduck, pushing Steve out of the way and almost off a cloud.
     St. Peter turned to him and prepared to **Smite Him DOWN** when
he recognized the old gallifreyian's Soul.
     "Lameduck?" he asked, smiling, "Lameduck, is it really you?"
     "Course its me, sonny!  Now then, are you gonna--" he paused, and
leaned over to Steve, "What do we wanna do again?"
     "We want to go inside and ask someone--"
     "Oh yeah, right, right!"  He leaned back up to St. Peter.  "Are
ye gonna let us in, or do I havta tell your mother you bullied those
     St Peter grinned.  "Its been two thousand years, and you still won't
let me forget about those kids?"  He shook his head.  "G'won in, guys!
Head over to God's Place and ask around, someone will help you, I'm sure!"
     The two entered heavan, and were immediatly given "Visitor" tags.
Looking around, they saw "God's Place," whichthey headed for post haste."
     Inside was a very nice little bistro.  At one table, Robert E. Lee,
Fredrick Douglas, and Martin Luther King Jr. were chatting about South
Africa.  At another, John and Bobby Kennedy were playing little, mindless
practical jokes on Hubert Humphery.  In a corner, Winston Churchell was
drinking heavily and reminicing old times with the Red Baron, who was
actually a diffrent war, but Winston was very drunk.
     Sitting at a table, the two gave their orders to Helen of Troy, who
looked quite well in the cocktail dress.  She brought the order to the
Bartender (Jackie Gleason) who began to mix the drinks.
     "Excuse me," said Robert Heinlein, "but could you pass the salt?"
     Steve passed him the salt.  Heinlein then continued his table's
conversation (with J.R.R. Tolkien and L. Ron Hubbard--although the
two ganged up on Hubbard over Dianetics quite a lot.)
     "Look," L. Ron said, "It was all a joke, I didn't think ANYONE
would take that crap seriously...."
     Helen of Troy brought Lameduck and Steve their drinks.  A very
wise and intelligent looking man in a business halo joined them.
     "Good afternoon," said the man.  "My name is the Archangel
Gabrial, and I believe the two of you have some questions?"
     "Yes," said Steve, who was too in awe to be impressed anymore.
"We need to find the location of the Destructionvax5 satillite."
     "Ah, well, there's the rub, you see.  That, we cannot tell you."
     "Why not, ye Whippersnapper?" asked Lameduck, never the most
reverent of people.
     "Simple, if we were to reveal that information, we would break
a solemn vow of titanic proportions."
     "The covenent?" asked Steve.
     "No, our bet--St. Peter and I bet three billion bedmakings with
Odin of Valhalla that we wouldn't let anyone know the location at all
of the Omnivax core."
     "Hey, do you know the lives we'll save by destroying Destructionvax5?"
     "Do you know how hard it is to make a Viking's bed?"
     Lameduck chuckled "He's got a point, there."
     "I don't care," shouted Steve, turning rather red in the face.  "We're
going to do this with or without your help!" so saying they leapt up and
didn't even pay their bar tab.
     Gabrial shook his head, even as Jackie Gleason shouted for
te bar's enforcers (mostly dead New York Giants) to get the money.


The society to prevent needless Hyperbole has had the above
perpetrator shot, thank you.

***** Entry appended 16:19 on Wed, 05/25/88 by BURNS at MAINE       # 245 *****
Subject:     The hunt is on
From:        The Cowboy (THC8650 at TNTECH)

The HMS Golden Lance travelled through the multiverse in Spam-powered flight.
Aboard it was Time Agent 357 and his crew.  The latter were currently in
sickbay being treated for frostbite (in the case of Doctor Bing Von Spleen)
and third degree burns (in the case of Time Police Ensign G.X.P. Varneyloop
LXVII) which they had picked up during the last entry.

=I've come up with a list of possible locations for the destructionvax5
satallite,= reported the other member of the crew, the VAL 9000 computer.

"How many?" asked 357.

=14,398 possible loactions in 4,204 different alterverses.=


=If Superbrain at oracle2 can't pin it down how do you expect me to?=

"Okay, which locations are more probable?"

=Well, since most of the characters in SFSTORY are stuck in realspace
(alterverse 1) or netherspace (alterverse 77) destructionvax5 is probably in
one of those alterverses.=

"And we're the only characters that can easily jump between the alterverse?"

=Exactly.  Where shall we go first, big boy?=

=Let's check out netherspace and see how St. Peter is doing," 357 suggested.

Back in the sickbay, Time Ensign Varney was staggering to his feet.  Doctor
Spleen, still groggy from the (unnecessary) medication he had insisted upon,
attempted to question his actions.

"Wha humph yawn wheeze cough gurgle snore?" asked Doctor Spleen.

"I'm getting a transmission from Time Central," said Varney, pointing at his
Dick Tracy watch which doubled as a subspace communicator.

"Grumble cough gasp yawn ack guff?"

"They want me to report to Time Central immediately.  Tell 357 where I
went."  And, with that, Varney hopped aboard the Temporal Teleporter
Terminal and sent himself back to Time Central.

"Snore," responded Spleen.

Will 357 find the Destructionvax5 satellite in netherspace?
Or is he just showing up for amateur night at Club Nympho?
How long will it take him to realize that Varney is missing?
Does anyone really care?

blah blah blah

***** Entry appended 16:27 on Wed, 05/25/88 by THC8650 at TNTECH    # 246 *****
Subject:     Where things get worse
From:        Patrick McCoy (enldc8c at bostonu)

     In Beelzebub's grand hall, Toni was chained to the center of the
floor. She was in the center of a large ring table on which Beelzebub's
staff and allies sat.
     "Now," Beelzebub began in a menacing tone, "We have here before
us, my fellow demons and devils, the instrument of our triumph over
Belial. For some reason unfathomable to me, Dagon has taken quite a
liking to the bitch."
     Toni winced as the word bitch cut through her like a knife.
     "I wish to speak," slurred an obese devil sitting near what appeared
to be a ticker-tape machine (any Hellblazer fans out there?). Toni
cowered some more.
     "Yes, Mammon?" asked Beelzebub with an ammused and sadistic smirk
crossing his face.
     "I think that, bringing to mind her recent inability to seduce one
measley paladin, the succubus needs further training."
     The circle of devils and demons smiled and laughed as they shifted
in their seats in percicely the way that you would not want them to shift.
Toni's eyes widened as she looked around her with a growing feeling of
     "What did you have in mind, Mammon?"
     "Perhaps," he began, licking his lips, "it would be easier to
     "What makes you think you would be best suited to teach her?" asked
annother demon.
     Beelzebub smiled and locked eyes with Toni as she shrank down
onto the floor, knowing she would recieve no mercy here.
     "There's no need to bicker, gentlemen," he said in an acidic
and ironic tone, "I'm quite sure the bitch could learn a little something
from all of us." Toni broke down into tears. "Mammon, you may procede."
     Toni fought desperately with the adamantium chains as the gross
Mammon stood up and approached.

     Meanwhile, in the Rocket Racer V, Buzz watched the control pannel
aprehensively as they made the intra-dimentional jump to the underworld.
     "What's wrong, Buzz?" asked Tachi who noticed the melancoly of the
old man.
     "The jump from our universe to Hell is not easy. I want to make sure
everything goes well."
     "That's not what's wrong," Tachi responded. "You're worried about
     "With good reason," Buzz responded, "Hell isn't a fun place. You
heard Beelzebub on the scanner system as we approached him in the Catskills.
She won't get any pity or mercy."
     "Everything will turn out OK, Buzz."
     Suddenly, there was a crackling noise over the radio.
     "HMS Millenium Badger to HMS Rocket Racer V, Come in please."
     "It's the paladins!" Buzz said grabbing the microphone. "Rocket
Racer V here, Millenium Chipmunk. This is Space Commander Buzz Williams,
Go ahead."
     "Space Commander Buzz Williams, this is Linda Madison -- we need
assistance. We are currently on a mission to destroy the Destructionvax5
computer satelite. However, we cannot get anywhere, as we had our
navcomputers reprogrammed," Buzz frowned at this, realizing that the
paladins were not, in fact, liscened space heroes as a liscened space
hero, at least from his era, could plot the course on paper...even if
it took the better part of an afternoon. We are on an unknown course
and the only member of either of our ships -- The Millenium Badger and
the T.S. Challenger II -- who can tell us what our destination is has
apparently passed out. Can you assist?"
     Buzz looked out the cockpit window into hyperspace, thinking of
the good old days when this would have been a minor crisis that would
have taken only a moment to come up with six viable solutions. He pressed
the talk switch of his microphone.
     "I'm in hyperspace now, although I'd love to, Millenium Chipmunk.
But I'm afraid we're on a mission to save a succubus. Sorry." Bert
nodded in approval of the alliteration.
     "A succubus?! Toni????"
     Tachi chirped up. "They know her!"
     "Yeah," Buzz said to himself, not noticing he hadn't released the
talk button, "We did pick her up at CAMCOM didn't we." These two
were the paladins that had initially rescued her and would probably
worry if they knew the details. He decided to give them the oportunity
to assist. "Yup, Toni's her name alright. Do you have the coordinates
to Hell?"
     "Um, no, sorry, we don't. We'll have to get them from superbrain
and he's out."
     Buzz released the talk button as Tachi spoke again. "We should not
distract them from their quest, Buzz. The universe needs Destructionvax
     A voice in the background asked if Buzz had already asked for the
     "Hm? Oh, yeah, I did...Sorry. Rocket Racer V over and out."
     Buzz replaced the microphone and mumbled, "Let them think I'm
getting senile. It will distract them from the problem with Toni."

     Meanwhile, at New College,  the History student continued to study
the book of demonology before him.

     Toni wept quietly in the dark cell that she was being
kept in as she pulled the torn rags that were her clothes
about her in an attempt to keep warm. She was badly bruised
and she knew tomorrow would be worse. She was to begin training
as an assassin and, as the final test, had to sneak a knife into
Beelzebub's room and make love to him and then, at a moment he
would be aware of, draw the knife. Her training would be watched
over by a sadistic demon who lusted after her before. She cried
herself slowly to sleep knowing that she could not even hope for
death to come and save her.

If you think I can come up w/ questions after that, you're
out of your mind...

***** Entry appended 17:31 on Wed, 05/25/88 by enldc8c at bostonu   # 247 *****
Subject:     At Club Nympho
From:        The Cowboy (THC8650 at TNTECH)

The HMS Golden Lance materialized near Club Nympho in a flash of blinding
light and searing heat, not to mention a blast of hard radiation that cooked
a group of patrons nearby.  I've got to fix that microwave oven, thought
357.  Assigning the task to his trusted crewman, Doctor Bing Von Spleen,
Founder of Spamology and Patron Saint of Drug Abuse, he stepped outside the
Golden Lance and inside the Club Nympho.

"Excuse me," he said to a passing naked body.  "Where's St. Peter?"

"Somewhere in the back, I think," came the reply from the body's navel.
Maybe it wasn't a human body...

357 worked his way towards the back, occasionally stepping over sleeping,
squirming, or copulating bodies.  After turning down three proposals, ten
propositions, and taking four cold showers, he arrived at the back office.
He knocked softly on the door.  He received no answer.  He tried to open the
door.  It was locked.

He considered the situation carefully.  Then, placing his hand in the exact
center of the door, he applied small fraction of his strength along the
lateral axis.  He then stepped through the debris that was once the door and
checked out the office.  He was unsurprised to find that Peter was missing.
On the desk he noticed a appointment book.  Leafing through it, he found
that St. Peter was currently pulling a double shift at the Pearly Gates.
357 also found that he had missed amateur night.  The latter disappointed
him far more than the former.

He was considering using the Golden Lance's time capabilities to go back a
few days so he could make amateur night when Doctor Spleen staggered in.
Spleen reported that the microwave oven was repaired.  He also reported that
they were out of depressants, but 357 chose not to hear.  While 357 sat at
his usual table drinking Plutonium Fission Coolers (238 flavors in one)
enjoying the stage show (which was no more enjoyable than the show going on
in the next booth) Spleen stepped out back in an attempt to score some dope.

"That man has a definite substance abuse problem," said 357 just before
killing another Plutonium Fission Cooler.

Back onboard the HMS Golden Lance, Val was using her finely tuned
instruments to check netherspace for the Destructionvax5 satellite.  She
narrowed the choices down to less than a dozen, then contacted 357.

=I've narrowed the choices down to less than a dozen," she reported.

"Didn't you say that already?" asked 357.

=No, that was the author.=

"Oh.  What's the holdup?"

=I can't scan those dozen places from here.  We'll have to go to them and
use our manually operated visual scanning devices.=

"In English."

=Your eyes and my cameras.=

"I take it then you're ready to leave?"

=Ready, willing, and always able.=

"A simple yes will suffice.  I'll find the good doctor."

357 stood up.  357 quickly sat back down.  357 put his head under the table
and upchucked all over the couple copulating there.  They didn't seem to
notice.  After relieving himself of a large fraction of the alcohol he had
ingested, he staggered off in search of Doctor Spleen.

In the alley behind Club Nympho, Doctor Spleen was being placed under arrest
by two strange beings.

"Read him his rights, Sprocket," said one.

"Sure thing, Crumbs," said the other.

"Hold on a minute," said Time Agent 357.  "What's going on here?"

"We're arresting this man for attempting to purchase illegal drugs," said

"A capital crime," put in Sprocket.

"I'm Time Agent 357," said Time Agent 357, showing his badge as if the
author's word wasn't good enough.  "This man has been assigned to me.  He
was obviously attempting to draw out the drug dealers in this area when you
began accosting him.  Isn't that right, Doctor?  (Wink.  Nudge.)"

"Uh, of course," said Doctor Spleen.  "Those two youngsters that ran off
while you were frisking me were drug dealers.  I was trying to get them to
commit themselves before I called my partner here."

"Yeah, sure," said Sprocket and Crumbs almost in tandem.  "That's what they
all say."  They began closing in on 357 and Spleen.

"Well, do 'they' have a DIESCUM pistol aimed at your groins?" asked 357 as
he did so.  He did not wait for an answer as he nuked first their gonads,
and then the rest of them, out of existance.  "Only way to deal with Vice,"
he said to Doctor Spleen as he flipped the safeties on and holstered his
weapon.  "You're going to have to learn to be more careful."

"Sure thing," said Spleen as they headed back to the ship.  They boarded the
ship and blasted off to the stars.

*I think I'm going to stop those annoying questions for a while.*

***** Entry appended 23:27 on Wed, 05/25/88 by THC8650 at TNTECH    # 248 *****
Subject:     On the prowl in netherspace
From:        Tennessee H. Cowboy (THC8650 at TNTECH)

Time Agent 357 stared at the viewscreen.  He didn't like the looks of it.
The viewscreen didn't much like the looks of 357, either.  But that's beside
the point.  357 was looking at the first of about a dozen locations that Val
had picked out as possible locations for the Destructionvax5 satellite.
This ringed planet with over two hundred moons, moonlets, and moonies was a
good place to hide an Omnivax mainframe.

"Are you picking up any computer signals?" asked Doctor Bing Von Spleen of
the ship's computer, VAL 9000.

=Only my own,= she replied.

"She wouldn't be able to anyway.  The Dvax5's probably well shielded," put
in 357.  "We'll have to locate it visually."

=Beginning visual scans,= chanted Val, turning all her cameras outward
combining the multitude of signals into a single, three dimensional
hologram.  Any satellite would stick out like a sore thumb.  It didn't.

"Maybe they painted it to look like an asteroid," suggested Spleen, shortly
before getting a cup of coffee thrown at him by 357.

"Next possibility, Val," ordered 357.

=Ask nicely,= Val asked nicely.

Wordlessly, 357 drew his DIESCUM pistol and started flipping off the
safeties one by one.

=Nice enough,= choked Val and warped the ship off to the next location.

I won't bore you with details.  They gallant crew of the HMS Golden Lance
checked out five more locations without any luck.  Then, something happened.

Two somethings, in fact.

Possibly three somethings, if the prices are low enough.

The HMS Golden Lance was travelling to the seventh location that Val had
deemed probable for the Dvax5's satellite to be found.  Suddenly, Space
twisted.  Space squirmed.  Space did the funky chicken.  Space hiccuped.
Space upchucked all over Time.  Time got angry and kicked Space between the
legs.  Space upchucked on Time again.  A star was born.  A star died.

Which is all very nice, but had nothing to do with the story.  As soon as
Val detected these things, she used her superABPSAR-powered engines to move
them into another alterverse where things were a bit quieter.  Quieter in
the same way that a construction zone is quieter than a combat zone.

"What was that?" bellowed 357 as he sprang to his feet.

=Massive upheaval in the fabric of Time and Space.  Artificially induced, no

"Caused by some massive buildup of energies," reported Spleen from the
science console.  "Probably Spam-related in some way, but I can't be sure."
A thought suddenly struck him.  "It is very possible that this was an
attempt by Dvax5 to destroy us."

"Good!  That means we're getting close," said 357.

"Not necessarily.  They probably just found out we were looking for them and
tried to wipe the floor with us as a knee jerk reaction."  Doctor Spleen was
re-examining the energy emissions.  "Yup, that buildup of energy came from
so far away and was routed through so many Bitnet nodes that I can't tell
where it came from."

=Did you say "Bitnet"?=

"Yes.  What significance does that have?"

"There's only one alterverse that has been afflicted with Bitnet," explained
357.  "Alterverse 1.  Realspace.  The Universe," he added for those readers
who couldn't figure out such things for themselves.  "Val, full spamspeed to
alterverse 1.  Dvax5 has to be there."

"Did you say 'afflicted?'" asked Doctor Spleen.

"Don't you know the story of Bitnet?


"Well, the story begins back in the dim past of computer infancy.  A highly
advanced virus program was actually mistaken for a primitive operating
system.  What was its name, Val?"


"Right.  Eventually, the hacker who created IBM DOS needed to find a way to
better circulate his material, so he created Bitnet and disguised it as an
information exchange system.  He filled it so full of bugs, arbitrary
limitations, and complicated commands that to this day no one in alterverse
1 has figured out that it serves no real function other than to annoy and
spread viruses."  357 completed his tale by accessing Bitnet through VAL
9000, and demonstrating the absurd simplicity/needless complexity of a
primitive setup known as CSNEWS.

"It takes the full time efforts of a super programmer just to keep the thing
running," noted Doctor Spleen.

"Right.  And since most of the time no one knows what anyone else in the
system is up to, it's easy to sneak through a high energy temporal burst
like the one that almost scrambled our eggs earlier in this posting."

"But that would have interupted communications across the whole net.  Data
would be lost.  Files would be scrambled.  Didn't anyone notice?"

=Nope.  That's the way it always is.=

357 checked the instruments and turned to the others.  "We'll be arriving in
alterverse one in a few hours.  Val, how many possibilities are there here?"

=Only a few billion.=

"Since when do the words 'few' and 'billion' belong in the same sentence?"
shouted a much-annoyed Doctor Bing Von Spleen.

"Calm down," said 357.  "It could be worse.  We could be forced to look in
alterverse 983234."

"What's so bad about alterverse 983whatever?"

"The entire alterverse is made out of silly putty."


***** Entry appended 03:23 on Thu, 05/26/88 by THC8650 at TNTECH    # 249 *****
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