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Sfstory Log 018

From:        Nathan Irwin (UD140680 at NDSUVM1)

When we left our heroes, they had set out on their quest, without really
knowing what their quest was for.

As we rejoin our heroes, Louie, the sole survivor of the theft of Grand
Forks, North Dakota, is strumming along on his guitar, playing a little
diddy about setting off on a quest without knowing what the quest is for.

Zark Flyby, a Time Police Agent and one of Louie's companions, hits him.
Everything appears to be normal HERE!

Suddenly, Bubba (the third member of this intrepid company) says:
     "Wait!  I feel a disturbance in The Force!"
     "Wrong CSNOTICE!" says Zark, who immediately passes out due to the
strain on his mental faculties.
     "Okay, then.....I just had a premontion of danger.  Somewhere in
outer space, the Giant Space Turnip is free again, and is out to
terrorize millions of potential SFSTORY characters, everywhere."
     "Why'd YOU have a premonition?" asked Louie.
     "BECAUSE, Nathan wanted me to."
     "And why would he want THAT?"
     "Apparently, Cowboy asked Nathan to plug his present storyline,
and this is Nathan's way of doing that."
     "Oh."  (This is about where Zark regains consciousness)
So, our adventurers continued along their merry way:

(Strum, Strum) "How many roads must a man walk down....."
and so on....

After about eight more miles of this, our heroes reached the outskirts of
that MAJOR metropolis, known as Jamestown, North Dakota. (Oh, BOY!!)
At the moment, about seven thousand little green spaceships were
hovering over the town, using some sort of yellow ray-thingy to beam
everyone in the city aboard.

     "Hey!" yelled Louie, "Those are the ships that kidnapped Grand Forks
LAST week!"
     "Whaddya we DO?" asked Bubba.
Immediately, Zark drew his Personal Nuker and began firing on one of the
craft.  Louie followed suit with his Atomic Rubber Band Shooter that
Never Misses (or ARBSTNM).
     "Oh." said Bubba, "Silly Me."

At this point, twelve thousand and six aliens suddenly materialized out
of nowhere.  All of them bore a striking resemblance to Howard Cosell.
They were also carrying devices that resembled a cross between an AK-47
and a Mr.Coffee.  Louie set his ARBSTNM on "Full_Auto", and his
companions set their Personal Nukers on "Really, Incredibly, Destructive,
but VERY Inefficient".  Then all three started blasting away at the
aliens.  Rather than stay and fight, the aliens returned to their ships.
Then, they aimed their weapons at the MAJOR metropolis of Jamestown,
North Dakota, (oh, BOY!), and obliterated it (thus proving that SFSTORY
authors don't need to blow up huge chunks of New England during every
battle - they can blow up huge chunks of the MIDWEST, too!)

But, REMEMBER, our heroes were just on the OUTSKIRTS of Jamestown, so
they survived (and the author gets to keep posting).  However, this
wanton destruction of a defenseless Midwestern town created an ENORMOUS
dust storm, which cleared up JUST in time for our heroes to see seven
thousand little green spaceships disappear over the horizon.

     "Swell!" said Bubba, "Whadda we do NOW?"
     "I dunno," said Louie, "maybe we should go after 'em.  Maybe THEY
know what our quest is for."
     "Okay, why not?" said Bubba, "we've got nothing BETTER to do."

So, Bubba, Zark and Louie dusted themselves off, drank a few beers from
Louie's flight bag, and set off once again, with Louie playing his
guitar and singing a little ballad about continuing their quest and
STILL not knowing what it was all for.


Keep Reading SFSTORY - You'll hate yourself if you don't learn the
answers to these exciting questions!!

***** Entry appended 23:15 on Mon, 05/02/88 by UD140680 at NDSUVM1  # 205 *****
Subject:     How to Fry a Mushroom with a Marshmallow, or a Test
From:        Black Scorpion (MGRAVES at SBCCVM)

This is a test to see if any of you are paying attention to what's
going on. Take it if you dare, and send your answers over the Sf-
Story discussion.
Grading is as follows... if I like your answer, I'll give you a
point... if I don't like it, I'll give you 5 points. The highest
score wins. Good luck...

1. Lieutenant is spelled:
    a. Lieutenant
    b. Lieutenent
    c. mushroom pizza with extra cheese
    d. SCUM
    e. none of the above
2. LGH.38MPH0 is:
    a. the gas mileage on a '77 Pinto
    b. the gas mileage on a '77 Pinto
    c. a pain in the *ss
    d. none of the above
    e. a 9 character alphanumerical sequence with a dot in it
3. The FX people are:
    a. on strike
    b. overpaid
    c. all amployed by George Lucas
    d. all working on ST V
    e. overpaid by George Lucas
4. Why is whaere's spelled wrong?
    a. incompitence
    b. stoopidity
    c. boardum
    d. phor phun
    e. nun of the above... just an old habit
5. California is in:
    a. New Jersey
    b. sector 4756355648658476549576529-032492345432
    c. a state of insanity
    d. a state of ignorance
    e. the Specific Ocean
6. I have answered:
    a. all
    b. some
    c. less than zero
    d. too many
    e. none of the above
   of the questions thus far.
7. To fry a mushroom with a marshmallow, you:
    a. order pizza
    b. order Chinese
    c. leave a big tip
    d. use a blowtorch
    e. all of the above
8. Middle light range large molecule kerotinoid pigments are:
    a. dumb
    b. stupid
    c. cold filtered for smooth taste
    d. repeatedly dumb and stupid again and again
    e. powerful sh*t
9. Why don't androids sleep?
    a. Jolt Cola
    b. Caffeine
    c. too much LSD in their DW-40
    d. stupidity
    e. the writer said so
10. The Space Explorers have how many bases?
    a. 2
    b. 6574673708976795679576870385767784745638745654635787368970568753-
    c. 5
    d. none... they all moved to Korea
    e. none... the show was cancelled
11. Prediction (bonus):
    For 10 extra points, what will Lt. Commander's score on the Purity
    test be afterwards?


    'Hey 38?'
    'Yes sir?'
    'I can't get one of the questions on this test here...'
    'Which one sir?'
    'Number 10. How am I supposed to know how many bases we have?'
    'Guess... It's not a real test anyway.'
    'Says who?'
    'The writer is just PO'd because he's having a bad day... he's not
in a serious mood.'
    'Oh... O.K.'
    'Try C.'
    'Why? C is dumb. It's the most horrible programming language I've
ever seen anyone deal with in my life.'
    'Ok... try A.'
    'Naw... it's too easy. When in doubt, choose the longest answer.'
    'Suit yourself, sir.'


Which answer will Lt. Commander choose?
Will he pass the test?
Will anyone else take this test?
I would still like to know why files must be of certain length to be
    accepted for a CSBB discussion.

If I answer these questions, the suspense will be lost...

***** Entry appended 11:01 on Tue, 05/03/88 by MGRAVES at SBCCVM    # 206 *****
Subject:     The Mysterious Lady...
From:        Black Scorpion (MGRAVES at SBCCVM)

Picture: A Black and White Scene...

    It was a cool night on the streets... the smell of cigars was in
the air... cheap cigars... boy did they smell...
    Lieutenant Commander donned his trench coat and readied for his
meeting for the mysterious lady. He walked out the door of the Con-
tingency, knowing he may never return...

    He walked into the Oyster Bar... it was a real dive... something
was fishy, but he couldn't hook the bait...
    A real popular tune was playing... LC's favorite... it was...
    It was 'Nuke Me... I Love you to Death.'

    'Hey Esmeralda... play it again, babe...'
    'Sure, LC.'

    There she was... sitting on the other end of the room... the mys-
terious lady... Lady Luck that is... you see... The Oyster Bar wasn't
just another dive. It was a Clammy Casino...

    '100 on number 38 black, Sham...'

    Sham was a shneaky... er... sneaky fella... he had to be watched
at all times. For sure... er... shure.

    '38 black wins...'
    'Letter ride, Sham...'
    'Whatever you shay... er... say...'
    'Knock of the lishp... er... lisp.'

    Just then, SHE walked in...

    'Hello, big boy... feeling hot tonight?'
    'No... it's 27 degrees outside... now get lost...'

    She did...

    'You win again, LC...'
    'Good... then gimme my money, you sly dog you...'
    'In your eye...'
    'No... in my hand...'

    Sham was trying to pull a sham, sho LC decided to take his shavings
and get his ash outta the cashino...

    'Hey, 929...'

    Over the communicator...

    'Warm her up... I'm comin' in...'
    'Did ya win?'
    'Big... that's why the whole casino's chasin' me... I won too big.'
    'We'll be all ready for you...'

    LC had a few tricks up his sleeve in the meantime. He whipped out
his handy randomiser (why can't they just call them guns?) and popped
one of the cartridges into the slot...

    Incendiary... nice...

    'Eat flaming oxygen, scum...'

    "No, LC... these are not SCUM... study your lines a little more..."

    'Sorry, Mister Writer sir...'


    But back to the story...

    Lt. Commander was just about to the Contingency when this big...
no BIG... no...

           BBBBBB          IIIIIII          GGGGGG
           B     B            I            G      G
           B     B            I            G
           B    B             I            G
           BBBBB              I            G    GGGGG
           B    B             I            G      G
           B     B            I            G      G
           B     B            I            G      G
           BBBBBB          IIIIIII          GGGGGG

... guy walked up and stood in his way...

    'You going somewhere, shorty?'
    'Yeah... I was just going to pick up your mom at the train station
    'Mom's in town? Aw... I didn't know... gotta go...'
    'Big people are so stupid...'

    LC boarded the CMS COntingency and got ready for liftoff.

    'Plasma drive...'
    'Systems analysis...'
    'Quarters for laundry...'
    'You didn't get the coffee?'
    'I thought you were getting it...'
    'SH*T! NO COFFEE!'

    Hold on to your hats folks... this could get sticky (and overdone).

    '*&%*(V^ B(*&_*^0689^B (_*^B( *^_869-b86B _(*^B)(*^_(*^B(^(&*^&*^,
*(&%&*%*& 6-p87 09 ^V)%^*(& _)&gh 76(B( P*(*)^(&^*_&!!!!!!!!!!'

    Funny... he's not usually this edgy. I wonder if I should have had
him switch to decaf...

    'Shall I initiate takeoff procedure, sir?'
    'Very good sir.'

    With that, the CMS Contingency departed from the space dock...

    Without any coffee...


Will Lt. Commander have a kaniption?
Did I spell kaniption right?
Should Lt. Commander switch to decaf? Or should he stick to his normal
    full-bodied rich-flavored coffee that makes his head explode?
How big is:

           BBBBBB          IIIIIII          GGGGGG
           B     B            I            G      G
           B     B            I            G
           B    B             I            G
           BBBBB              I            G    GGGGG        ?
           B    B             I            G      G
           B     B            I            G      G
           B     B            I            G      G
           BBBBBB          IIIIIII          GGGGGG

***** Entry appended 13:32 on Tue, 05/03/88 by MGRAVES at SBCCVM    # 207 *****
Subject:     journey to oblivion...
From:        Black Scorpion (MGRAVES at SBCCVM)

    The CMS Contingency, having freed itself of the clutches of the
forces of SCUM, having freed itself of the clutches of the villains
at the Oyster Bar, and having freed itself from the really big dumb
gouy from the escape from the Oyster Bar, puttered along in space
like someone's grandmother after a bottle of tequila...

    'Turn on the news, 38. I want to see the current events in the
    'Yes sir...'

    "This is Welter Bronchite reporting live from the scene of what
will be forever called 'The Beach Party Jello Massacre.' At noon to-
day, on Jupiter, 5 crazed terrorists stormed the American Consulate
here and mercilessly dumped 400 tons of jello.. sugar free no less..
on the delegation from Earth. Reports say that the delagation was
buried under approximately 399 tons of the jello, and an inside scoop
says that the remaining ton was eaten by visiting actor Dom Deluise,
who is to be awarded the Medal of Valor, as well as the Betty Crocker
Award for Excellence in eating. Back to you Ned.
    Thank you Welter. This is Ned Kroppel at the studios. Just in...
The CMS Contingency, one of the ships in the Space Explorers Ltd. has
been reported missing since 9:00 last night. They were last seen by
this man... [little pictorial insert of a nerdy fellow with thick
glasses]... one Arnold Eugene Binesky III of Trenton, New Jersey...
We are going live to Arnold's home now... hello Arnold...
    Hi... [nerdy laugh]
    Arnold... what exactly happened at 9:00 last night?
    Well... he ordered a pizza with mushrooms and extra cheese [nerdy
laugh] and gave me a $2.93 tip [nerdy laugh].
    There you have it... Lieutenant Commander was last seen ordering
a pizza... and now he is gone. For Nutline... I'm Ned Kroppel"

    'What the...'
    'This stupid thing says we are missing...'
    'Missing what, sir...'
    'Lost, you overgrown calculator.'
    'Calculator, sir? My function is...'
    'Shut up, you underachieving TI...'

    Ouch! Really low, LC...

    'May I make a suggestion sir?'
    'Contact the authorities and tell them we are not lost...'

    Lt. Commander goes over to the vid screen and tries to contact
Explorer Central.

    'Lieutenant Commander to Explorer Central... come in please.'

    Image of fat lard with cigar in his mouth and cigar smoke all a-
round him comes on screen...

    'Oh... LC. There you are. WHERE ARE YOU?'
    'I have no idea, sir. The news says we are lost, but I don't think
that's where we are.'
    'Then where are you?'
    'I don't quite know sir.'
    'Then don't come back here or we'll all be lost.'
    'And besides, sir... I don't know how to get to there from here.'
    'Obviously, or you would already be here.'
    'Whare is that sir?'
    'Continue with your mission... if you figure out where you are,
contact me.'
    'Aye, sir.'

    Lt. Commander switches the vid screen off and goes over to the

    'Hey... the compass isn't working... sh*t.'
    'Let me see, sir. Here's the problem... microscopic traces of the
nuclear bread. They must have been vaporized by the plasma process
and found their way up here.'
    'Great... so how do we get home?'
    'Since we do not know where home is, we do not...'

    [Ominous Alexander Courage Music (used with permission, TM Alex-
ander Courage Inc. 1988) follows]

    'Alright... I guess we'll just have to wing it.'
    'What sir?'
    'Stick your hand in that light socket.'
    'Very well sir but I d...o...n...'...t... s...e...e...w...h...a...
t... p...u...r...p...o...s...e... t...h...a...t... w...i...l...l...
    'Nope... take your hand out.'
    'Thank you sir... that was getting very annoying.'
    'You don't conduct very well, so we'll just have to use a paper
clip. Ram it in the socket.'
    'Alright... now take your seat and strap yourself in. We are go-
ing to unbelievable special effects mode.'
    'No, not unbelievable special effects mode...'
    'That's right. Begin initiation sequence..'
    'Switches on.'
    'Levers on.'
    'Auto pilot off.'
    'Wait a min...u...t...'
    'G'night 929. Whell aligned.'
    'Payment by.'
    'Sequence in 5... 4... 3... folks, we're gonna see some serious
sh*t happening here when I get through with this bit... 2... I hope
you have the stomachs for it... 1...'

    Let the suspense build in you for a while. I'll be back... def-
initely by the end of the Fall semester...


Don't you hate when you're left hanging?
What is the unbelievable special effects mode?
Where are they?
Where are they going?

The answers are unknown to me at this time, especially where they are
going... anybody got any ideas?

***** Entry appended 16:53 on Tue, 05/03/88 by MGRAVES at SBCCVM    # 209 *****
Subject:     A quick change of story
From:        Patrick McCoy (enldc8c at bostonu)

     "What kind of hyper-powerful beings?" asked Toni.
     As if in response to this question, the Rocket Racer V came to
a sudden halt in mid-air, tossing the cabin's occupants about in a
fasion not often seen outside of the original Star Trek serial.
     This was followed up by a large, winged creature looking remarkably
like a demon shoving his torso through the cockpit window. This would
not be so suprising to the crew if it weren't for the fact that he did
so with the ease of a Blue Giant cutting through a stick of warm butter
and the crystal that was the window could withstand the hard vacume of
deep space.
     The reaction of the crew varried. Bert was the first to react by
soiling his pants. Tachi drew his sci-fi shotgun and was quickly pummeled
by the demon. Buzz managed to keep the Rocket Racer V airborn while
ineffectually blasting the demon with his laser pistol. Toni screamed.
     The demon grabbed Toni roughly by the hair. With a sadistic chuckle,
he dragged her out of the ship saying "The master will be pleased."
     "NO YOU DON'T!" screamed Buzz as he swung his ship around to
bear the Turbo-Lasers on the demon. He blasted once, hitting the demon
squarely in the back.
     This served to upset the demon as it was the rough equivalent of
being smacked with a solid 2x4. He swung aroung and blasted a bolt of
hellfire at the rocket.
     Buzz swerved, avoiding the brunt of the hellfire. When he swung
back to face his foe, the demon was gone.
     He quickly landed the Rocket Racer V for a quick survey of the
the damage and to revive Tachi. Things did not look good.
     "How do things look?" asked Bert, who was one step behind the
     "Not good," responded Buzz. "Most of the damage to the ship was
superficial and can survive the vacume of space, although I wouldn't
want to go into combat like this. Tachi is recovering well, thank
Heaven. (at which God nodded a your welcome and went back to looking
for a good hiding place for the Holy Erasers) But without the cockpit's
glass, we can't go anywhere off planet and we still have to get to

     Meanwhile, in Heaven, just as God found a really good place for
the erasers where no one would find them (a cookie jar), a golden glow
appeared from behind him.
     "NO! Absolutely not, Patrick! You cannot borrow the erasers!"
     ++God, please! You know the mess I'm in! She doesn't want to be in
the story.++
     "It doesn't matter. You have to figure a way out of this mess yourself."
     ++OK. If I can't have the Holy Erasers, can I borrow the Seventh
Cavalry for a bit?++
     "Certainly...they're right this way..."

     As Buzz was inspecting the ship, he heard a bugle horn and the
sound of hoofbeats. He lowered the gangplank and look outside.
     Charging out of the clouds came a group of men on horseback being
led by a man in buckskin shouting "ON TO SYRACUSE!!!" One of the scouts
rode to Buzz and handed him a note. He saluted quickly and rode off to
join his fellows.
     Buzz broke the seal which bore the impression  of a Celtic Cross.
It read:
          Thanks for rushing off to Syracuse for me. You no longer
     have to rescue the girl I sent you for (I got Custer to do it)
     as she doesn't want her name in the storyline at all.  In exchange
     for your trouble, I have placed a replacement cockpit window in the
     bushes to your right. You have already been given your new plotline.
     Thanks again.
                                                 Pat   :

     Buzz ran to the bushes where he pulled out the new window.
     "Well, that's one problemed solved. Now all we have to do is find
out who took Toni."


for the answers to these and other questions, tune in to Ran Dather to be inform

***** Entry appended 20:15 on Tue, 05/03/88 by enldc8c at bostonu   # 211 *****
Subject:     wherein we find out just what Steve abd Lameduck are up to
From:        Eric, Lord Sabre (enll6ac at bostonu)

     Steve and Lameduck were busy.  Even busier than you think.  Busier than
the very busiest you've seen a senile timelord and a NASA captain be.  So
mindbogglingly earthshatteringly busy that they all but finished their job
by the time the Author had finished his rather hyperbolic paragraph.
     "What the flying...flying...oh Hell, flying SOMETHINGOROTHER are you
     "Heh, sonny, I'm almost done...we'll be on our way to the good ol'
Omnispent Pally b'fore ya know it!"
     "That's Omniscient Paladin.  Look, I really don't know if this is a
good Idea"
     "Trust me, young'en."
     "And stop calling me YOUNG!  I'm in my twenties."
     "I'm ten thousand and forty-three, so don't show off yer experiance."
     "Anyway...what makes you think this will work?"
     "Simple temporal physics...your F-T-L drive shoots matter/antimatter
protons/antiprotons behind us.  By linking my Time Piston into the drive
train, it will kick in and shoot time/antitime chronons/antichronons behinds us.
We'll go from a Faster-Than-Light drive to a Faster-Than-Time drive!
     "At least...that's the theory."
     "Fantastic!  Come on, the sooner we get this thing moving, the sooner
we can find DeForrest!"
     "Right!"  The two went up to the cockpit, where Lucky, the mutated
Ship's Cat, was curled up in between the two chairs, purring and smelling
the way pets do when not given litterboxs when they really need them.
     The two strapped in.  "Right, power up!  We'll be able to take out the
Giant Space Turnip with this thing!"
     "The what?"
     "Nasty Spampowered planet eating vegtable, only a legend, though."
     Just then, the Giant Space Turnip flew by, with the HMS Golden Lance
(namesake weapon in defensive mode) right behind it.
     "Was that--"
     "Yup...I hate it when legends turn out to be accurate."
     "What now?"
     "Hit the F-T-T activation switch!"
     Steve lifted the cover of the old F-T-L switch and thumbed the button
underneath.  Moments later, the Time Piston began wheezing, and started
pumping in a way that would be considered obsene, except that the drive and
the piston were both still fully clothed.
     Then, the ship shot off, accelerating faster than the speed of time,
making time slow to a very slow march around them, and ossilating space
     "Set course for you paladin!"
     "I can't" yelled Steve, in shock from the acceleration.
     "Why not?"
     "I just remembered!  I don't know where he is!"
     "Oh Needlewarp!  Well...we better test the weapons system."
     "What weapons system?  You took apart the Photon/Plasma generator!"
     "Yes, but I installed a Temporal Interconnected Microwave Equipped
Killing Interphase Light Lance Emitting Robogun!"
     "The what?"
     "The TIMEKILLER!"
     "Oh, joy."
     Here, look at that asteroid," said Lameduck, pointing to a convienent
     "Yeah?  At our speed, we'll have passed it in seconds!"
     "Yup," said Lameduck, who locked and fired the TIMEKILLER.
     A bright yellow, but sometimes grey, beam fired from the nose of the
Challenger II.  It hit the asteroind--shooting it full of antichronons which
took the asteroid, forced into old age and youth simutaniously, grabbed
it by the neck, debated it, and in all made clear its useless role in the
universe, causing it to lose heart and explode in a pretty, and pretty light sho
     By this time the Challenger II was light years away, but were watching it
on a video screen.
     "Wow," said Steve.
     "Yup," said Lameduck.  "I'm glad it works!"


The answers are above, please bet the amount you are willing to risk on the
catagory SFSTORY CSNEWS on Jepordy, the show on automatic pilot!

***** Entry appended 20:26 on Tue, 05/03/88 by enll6ac at bostonu   # 212 *****
Subject:     Life takes a turn for the worst
From:        Patrick McCoy (enldc8c at bostonu)

     Buzz was replacing the cockpit window to the Rocket Racer V as
he and his two companions began to brainstorm as to how to find Toni.
     "Maybe he wanted to take her out or something but was to shy to
ask," suggested Bert.
     "I don't think so," responded Buzz, "but it's a good suggestion."
It is tough to nurture a fledgling space hero who has no disposition to
the field.
     "Can we track the demon with the scanners?" asked Tachi.
     "We are," responded Buzz, "but we still need to know why."
     "Yea!" chirped in Bert, "Because knowing's half the battle!"
     Somewhere in the desert of Nevada, a Seargent Major felt shivered
unexpectantly durring a briefing session.
     "We have to find out. We can't let Hell reclaim Toni!" said
Buzz as he finished repairing the Rocket Racer V. He put away the
tools and strapped himself into the command chair.
     "Ready for blast off!" he shouted as he re-activated the Star Drive
and began to fly towards the Catskill Mountains.

     Meanwhile, on a rather desolate peak in the Catskills, Beelzebub stood
staring off into the distance. Behind him stood several important Demon
Lords and some very big flunkies. On the ground crouched a sucubus who
was weeping softly in a way that really tore your heart out.
     Beelzebub turned slowly and looked down at the crying teen.
     "Do you know what has transgressed in Hell since you went off with
those two paladins, Toni?"
     "No," she said weeping wishing that they were here.
     "Satan was defeated and sent to a far away dimension. The throne
of Pandemonium is up for grabs. You, my dear, are going to help me
gain that throne."
     "Why me?" she whimpered.
     "Do you recal an individual by the name of Mammon?"
     Toni cowered. "Yes."
     Beelzebub smiled. "Yes, I see you do. Satan got quite wealthy by
having him purchase your 'services' in order to train you in debauchery.
It was the most amazing thing that Mammon, of all people, would pay. He
did turn a small profit sellin tickets to 'the show'. Things were
going so well for all concerned until Dagonbeat Mammon senseless and
pulled you off the top of the pool table you were tied to. Hell was
beside itself when he simply let you go."
     "He was the only one who seemed to care..." said Toni whistfully.
     "It's Hell, bitch," growled Beelzebub, "You don't get mercy there."
     "What do you want me to do?" asked Toni who knew better than to
struggle against an Earl of Hell.
     "I want you to seduce and kill Dagon."
     "Why?" she asked, wondering if there was no one who could save
     "Because he is the chief lieutenant of Belial, the only one
who could possibly oppose me."
     "And if I don't?" Toni asked, remembering that she was told by a
paladin if she did good deeds, she could get to Heaven.
     Beelzebub shot her a glance that made her wish her mother was never
born so that there was absolutely no chance that she would be looked at
like that ever.
     "OK. I'll do it," she said meekly looking to the ground as a tear
trickled down her cheek.
     Beelzebub smiled. He looked off into the distance and saw the Rocket
Racer V approaching. He smiled an evil smile and threw an oak tree at
them. He then disapeared, taking those assembled on the mountain with
     Buzz dodged the tree effortlesly and gunned the engines in an
effort to reach Toni. He never stood a chance. He slowly landed on the
     "What are we going to do, Buzz?" asked Bert.
     "I don't know, Bert. I just don't know."


for the, who cares anyways?

***** Entry appended 01:16 on Wed, 05/04/88 by enldc8c at bostonu   # 213 *****
Subject:     The chase is on
From:        The Cowboy (THC8650 at TNTECH)

"Val," said 357, "How fast are we gaining on the GST (Giant Space Turnip)?"

=We aren't.  It is travelling about 20% faster than we can.=

Not good, thought 357.  "What's our distance from it now?"

=42.7 light-years,= the VAL9000 computer responded.

"How are we tracking that thing at this range?"

=A few billion tons of turnip makes a hell of a big blip on the scanner.=

357 thought this over.  He turned to the third member of the ship's
compliment, Doctor Bing Von Spleen, for advice.  Spleen, however, was still
drooling on the floor, probably an adverse reaction to the last handful of
pills he had taken.  357 picked up the Doctor and bodily carried him to his
room, depositing the body with quite a bit of unnecessary roughness.  On the
way back, he got an idea.

"Val, how much energy does the Golden Lance Shield take up?"

=About 30% of our power output.=

"So if we were to switch it off, we could catch up with the GST."

=I was wondering when you would think of that.  Switching power....=

357 was knocked off his feet by the sudden change in velocity.!=

Not funny, he thought.  He clawed his way to his command chair and set up
the parameters of the attack run he was expecting.  By tying the Golden
Lance weaponry into the scanners, he hoped to be able to use it both in
defensive mode (to block the attacks of the GST) and in offensive mode (to
slice the thing to ribbons) at just the right instants to keep from getting

=12 light-years and closing,= said Val, absorbing the data entered by 357
and finding a poetic justice in the last paragraph that both the reading
audience and the author missed.

Suddenly, the sensors noticed that the GST had dropped back into realspace.
The sensors reported this to the scanners.  The scanners reported this to
the assimilation computer, which in turn reported it to the mega-processor,
which informed VAL9000, which told 357, who ordered the ship to stop.  This
order was routed through VAL9000 to the engines, which reacted a fast as

The whole process took slightly less than three seconds.  During this time,
the HMS Golden Lance overshot her target by nearly four parsecs.

"The GST must have run out of Spam," 357 mumbled as he turned the ship
around.  "Hmmm, that gives me an idea...."  357 began whispering to Val, who
whispered back and carried out the orders.

Why are they whispering?
What are the orders?
Is the Giant Space Turnip really out of Spam?
Will the HMS Golden Lance ever run out of Spam?
Will the Black Scorpion stop abusing his power as an author, or will the
rest of us have to have a long talk with him?

For the answers to these, and more, questions, tune into the next exciting
entry of SFSTORY CSNOTICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

***** Entry appended 19:52 on Wed, 05/04/88 by THC8650 at TNTECH    # 214 *****
Subject:     I dunno
From:        Eric, Lord Sabre (enll6ac at bostonu)

     Matt and Linda were cuddling in the Pup Tent, surrounded by their
cute and loveable friends, the Nasty Killer Deathbeetles from Tampon IV.
They were curled up against each other in the sort of way you really wish
you'd curl up with pretty girls more often.
     "Yes, Linda...?"
     "Are we in love?"
     Matt blushed his now semi famous Neon Blush, attracting the NKDBFTIV
to the tent--fortunatly for the moment, they were kept out byt the netting.
     "er....well...I...uh...I...dunno...we're in Like....really serious bigtime
like...I mean, this is some hefty like we're in...."
     "Thanks, Matt, that tells me what I wanted to know."
     Up above, Muck-Luck had finally determained the location of Linda and
Matt.  He had spent all his time trying to discover the ship, until he
remembered that the only life forms on Tampon IV were insects...and so
Matt and Linda's Human life forms would show up like beacons of nuclear
     He logged into his destructive account--now up to unstable and somewhat
limited capacity.  Still, vaporising a village of beetles and two paladins
were well witin his capacity.
     Even as Linda kissed Matt, her unconsious ability of deus ex machina
kicked in--retroactivly.
     "So long," said Muck-Luck.
     A bolt of energy struck the ship.  The shields ossilated and faded out of
space/time entirly.
     Muck-Luck scanned his was a Ship of Earth StarShuttle
configuration... but its weapon fired antichronons--which annialated the
chronons of whatever it hit and thus removed its target from time--and therefore
     He considered wiping the ship out, but his instruments detected another
antichronon buildup--he didn't like those odds one bit.
     "Aw, Hell," he said, and punched the Warp Drive on--shooting away
at warp four--which is (4 x 4 x 4)c, or sixty four times the speed of light--
which ain't bad.
     "Well, if Muck-Luck's here, then Matt and Linda must be on the planet
below," said Steve.
     "Yep, but how'd we find 'em just in time to save 'em?" asked Lameduck.
     "Blind luck, I suppose."
     On the planet, Linda's deus ex machina ability powered down as Matt
began to somewhat fumblingly remove the girl's bra.
     Morning came to the area, in a display that was utterly mundane and
a bit disappointing to the watchers, who expected a little more out of the
special effects budget.  Of course, Black Scorpion had gotten them angry
and made them go on strike, so there you have it....
     Radar and the Intern's minds floated through space...however, as neither
are yet reactivated, we will leave them there.
     Linda and Matt stepped outside the tent, and were startled to see the
Challenger II sitting outside.
     "That's my old ship!" shouted Linda, "The one I told you about, that hit
the ball of Spam!"
     "Yup," said steve, who waled down the ramp with Lameduck.
     After a fast paced few minutes of exchanging stories and whatnot,
the two groups sat down and reexplained everything so that they all understood
     "Then its settled," said Steve, "All of this will save my Sister and
get Muck-Luck off our backs for the rest of this story!"


***** Entry appended 21:07 on Wed, 05/04/88 by enll6ac at bostonu   # 215 *****
Subject:     Closing in for the kill
From:        The Cowboy (THC8650 at TNTECH)

=The Giant Space Turnip is coming up fast,= reported the efficient VAL9000

"Good," said Time Agent 357.

"Bad," said Doctor Bing Von Spleen.  "Are you aware of what that thing can
do?  Right now it's not bothering us because it's eating that planet."

The planet looked familiar to 357, so he ordered Val to check up on it.
Sure enough, it was Beta Microba IV, where 357 and co. had friends.  He
ordered the HMS Golden Lance to full speed, and ordered Val to open hailing

=Hey,= said Val, =do I look like Uhura or something?=

"Sorry, Val.  Just activate the communications board."

In no time flat (but then, I've never seen time curved) they had established
contact.  The face of an erect-walking canoid life-form filled the screen.
"Why 357!" it exclaimed.  "What are you doing here?"

"Wile," he said urgently.  "There's a Giant Space Turnip about to eat Beta
Microba IV whole.  Get your things together and we'll be there to pick you
up in a minute."

=53 seconds, actually.=

"No need, my man," came a voice from behind Wile.  The head of an orange
feliniod with black spots.  "The cool coyote has some tricks up his sleeve."

"That may be so, Chester," said Doctor Spleen, struggling to get into the
plot.  "But the GST is nothing to sneeze at."

"Oh yeah?  Watch this!" said Wile, slamming down the power switch of his
ACME Planetary Defense System.  357 watched amazed as a powerful
tractor/repulsor beam shot out into space, freezing the GST in its tracks.

"How long can you hold him?" asked 357 as he powered up his superABPSAR
superweapon, the Golden Lance.

"Only a few minutes," answered Wile, then shut down communications, as both
he and Chester were needed to operate the controls.

In space, the twisted mass of vegetable matter that served as the Giant
Space Turnip's brain found itself in trouble.  It could neither move forward
nor backwards.  It could sense the HMS Golden Lance lancing towards it.
Realising that all was lost, it gathered it's few remaining bits of Spam
together in an attempt to form a superweapon of its own.

"Activate the Golden Lance!" ordered 357.  Val responded, and the beam of
destructive energy and cheez whiz began carving the GST into smaller and
smaller pieces.

=357, I think you'd better stop now.=

"Why?  I haven't had this much fun in years," beamed 357.

Doctor Spleen suddenly looked up from the Science Console.  "357, that thing
has concentrated all of its remaining Spam in one spot.  If the Golden Lance
touches it--"

He was cut off by an explosion of tremendous force.  The reality altering
Spam, set off by the incredible power of the Golden Lance, warped. folded.
and even cross-stitched space in ways never before imagined.  This caused
three things to happen.

First, the Giant Space Turnip was completely obliterated.  I mean totally
gone.  Broken apart down to the atomic level, and then the atoms broken down
into protons, electrons, etc, and then the elementary particles broken down
into quarks, and so on.  I mean it guys, that sucker was history.

Second, the HMS Golden Lance was propelled a great distance away.  How
great?  Far enough that even at full speed it would take years to get back
to the plot of SFSTORY.  Luckily, they didn't have to, as the ship's ability
to travel interdimensionally allowed it to instantly transport itself to
Bedlam Central, 357's home base.

=That was close.  Is everyone alright?=

"I'm fine," mumbled the Doctor.

=How about you, 357?=

Silence, broken only by Doctor Spleen's occasional belching.


And third, Time Agent 357 found that he had been transported off the HMS
Golden Lance and to an unspecified place.

"_Now_ you tell us," complained Spleen.

=Hurry, Doctor.  We have to get the Golden Lance repaired and find 357.=
Val's voice was heavy with worry and grief.

"Can't we just take a nap?"


"Okay!  Just kidding!  Val, close the airlock... please....  VAL!  Close the

Where is 357, and will Val find him?
Will Val close the airlock, or will Doctor Spleen be sucked out into space?
Or is that blown out into space?
Can you say "explosive decompression" boys and girls?
I knew you could.

***** Entry appended 20:37 on Thu, 05/05/88 by THC8650 at TNTECH    # 216 *****
Subject:     357 awakens
From:        The Cowboy (THC8650 at TNTECH)

Time Agent 357 awakened.  His blurry vision and extreme headache made him
slightly peeved.  His awareness that he had been transported an unknown
distance in an unknown direction to an unknown location in an unknown
collection did not help his mood.  He staggered off in search of knowing.
Or at least aspirin.

He stumbled over a hill, and noticed that someone was coming towards him.
His blurred vision soon revealed the "someone" to be a large group of
robotic insectoids.  He recognised them as the same type of creatures that
he had destroyed on Beta Microba IV.  He estimated there were at least five
hundred of them.

In direct contrast to the average battle, I'll tell this one as briefly as

The first 300 he destroyed with his DIESCUM pistol, until they got too
close.  The next 100 he destroyed with various other weapons he had
concealed about his person.  With his bare hands he destroyed another 50.
The remaining 49 (one suffered a totally coincidental malfunction, which is
not essential to the current plot but readers would be wise to remember it)
bodily picked 357 up and carried him off into the hills.

Where are they carrying him?
Will VAL9000 and Doctor Bing Von Spleen find him in time?
Why is this entry so short?
(I'm leaving to PARTY, so don't expect any answers until Monday or so.)

***** Entry appended 16:35 on Fri, 05/06/88 by THC8650 at TNTECH    # 217 *****
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