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Sfstory Log 007

Appended 16:21 on 02/05/88 by The Cowboy:

Subject:  In which we get totally confused

Sagemo teleported himself to a place called Central Park on the planet Earth to
await his robot's return.  To keep himself occupied, he was blasting trees and
shrubs, along with the occasional rapist.  He had just freeze-dried a hotdog
vendor and was helping himself to some lunch when his robot appeared.

"Good, you have the ABPSAR," he mumbled.  "As soon as I install it into your
power system, you will be invincible!"  And with that he went to work.

On the planet Wiph, Quooth was leading the party toward the Temple, aided by a
holy harmonica, which he was using as binoculars.  He was pleased with himself
and quietly hummed "Learning to Fly" as he trudged along.  The rest of the crew
was not as pleased, especially Mark Hyperthrust, who was having to carry Steve
Vogel's body.  Soon, however, they arrived at the Temple.

"Party of six, I see," mumbled the doorman as he let them in.  Radar and Linda
quietly discussed theological implications as they were led to their table.
After taking a number, they were asked to wait for a waiter, who would be there
"in a few minutes."  Mark took this opportunity to look for the Restrooms,
while Wilhelm amused himself by picking at the duct tape holding Steve Vogel's
body together.

Meanwhile, on a higher plane, Omegas and Doctor Bing Von Spleen were arriving
at the Pearly Gates and were greeted by Bubba, Co-Director of Local Defense
(and also the cause of much local offense, but that's another story).  "What's
up, doc?"  he asked, as he had always wanted to say that when he was alive, but
never had the chance.

"Quit clowning around," commanded Omegas, "we're in big trouble."  He quickly
explained how Sagemo's robot had stolen the ABPSAR device and an Earthman's
brain, along with his own rising indecision.  Then he explained how, no doubt,
at this very minute Sagemo was planning his attack.  Bubba hiccupped, swayed
slightly, and then began to tell Omegas of The Plan.  (Which, of course, we
can't be told of right now, as that would ruin the dramatic impact, instead,
let's take up with Zark Flyby.)

Zark Flyby, officer of the Time Police and all around nice guy, was at that
moment arguing with a Space Trooper who had pulled him over for speeding.  Zark
was attempting to explain his position.  "So y'see officer," he whined, "if you
had a very powerful immortal mad at you, you wouldn't stick around either."

"That may be so," said the Trooper, "but you were still doing 68 in a 65 zone."
Maybe this is a bad time to take up with Zark, so let's go back to the planet

At the Temple, our intrepid crew had just ordered their lunch when a strange
man who bore a remarkable resemblance to Leonard Nimoy walked up.  "What do you
seek, my children?" he asked.

"Blug blub coff spit coff coff," answered Mark, who was in the middle of a

"We are looking for Doctor Bing Von Spleen, the founder of Spamology," answered
Radar Vogel, "in the hopes that he will be able to re-integrate me twin brother
Steve, whom you are standing on."

"Would you like to be taken to Dr. Spleen?" said the man, whom most readers
have recognized as the Big Guy himself.

"Yes, very much," was the answer.

"So be it," said the Big Guy, and with a wave of his hand, they arrived at the
Pearly Gates.

"Holy shit!" said Mark.

"No other kind here," said Bubba.

What will Linda, Radar, Mark, Quooth, an Wilhelm do to aid in defending against
Will Steve's mind and body be reuinited?
Will the holy harmonicas stop the ABPSAR powered robot?
And when will this all end?

Tune in later, I'm going home for the weekend.

***** Entry appended 16:21 on Fri, 02/05/88 by THC8650  at TNTECH   # 076 *****
Appended 22:43 on 02/08/88 by The Cowboy:

Subject:  The beginning of the end

Sagemo stepped back from his robot and admired his work.  The destructive
machine was now equipped with the greatest power source in the galaxy, the
ABPSAR.  The Automatic Beet Peeler and SubAtomic Re-integrator hummed and
flickered, sending enormous amounts of energy through the robots innards.
Sagemo quickly teleported out the the local Corner Market, zapped the clerk,
and helped himself to a case of SPAM, the only substance that could safely
power the ABPSAR.  After loading the device, he looked around for the brain
his robot had brought with it.  He decided to bring it along.  He set his
co-ordinates and teleported himself and his robot to higher dimensions...

In front of the Pearly Gates, Omegas was helping Archangel Gabriel arrange a
large group of souls and instruct them of the correct method of playing the
harmonica.  The Big Guy, now in the form of a large doG, was discussing the
ABPSAR with Doctor Bing Von Spleen, founder of SPAMology.  This left Bubba and
the rest of the group to talk among themselves.  Let's listen in...

"I'm telling you," Bubba stated, "the Big Guy's gotta plan.  No problem."

"But you heard Dr. Spleen," whined Radar Vogel, "Sagemo has my brother's brain
as well as the ABPSAR, the only thing that can re-unite my brother's remains."

"Forget about your brother," Linda commanded in a husky voice.  "Sagemo is
coming here, probably to kill us all."

"Forget about yourself," countered Wilhelm, "if we don't stop Sagemo, he'll
kill everyone in the universe."

"Forget about the universe," said Mark Hyperthrust.  "What kind of grade will I
get out of this?"

"Fear not," quoth Quooth.  "With the posession of so many of the most perfect
harmonicas the universe has ever seen, no force will stop our holy quest."

"What's going on?" asked Zark Flyby, who had just materialized beside them.  In
his attempt to evade the Space Troopers, he had slammed his ship into hyperdrag
without setting the necessary parameters.  This would normally result in the
complete destruction of the ship and its occupants, along with several parsecs
of surrounding space.  However, due to certain contrived plot devices too
numerable to mention here, he survived and found himself standing at the Pearly
Gates.  Or perhaps he hadn't survived and found himself standing at the Pearly
Gates.  In any case, he was quickly advised of the upcoming battle.  His only
response was "When's the first bus outta here leaving?"

But it was already too late.

Somewhere, in an area of space that was not exactly space, but something else
entirely, Sagemo and his robot death machine flew on their way to the final

Will St. Peter return from the dentist in time to help with the final battle?
Will Mark Hyperthrust get a good grade?
What will become of Steve Vogel's mind and body?
Will Omegas battle Sagemo?
Will this story never end?

Next time, part two of The Beginning of the End....

***** Entry appended 22:43 on Mon, 02/08/88 by THC8650  at TNTECH   # 077 *****
From:        Jeff Smith (RPS385 at MAINE)

    Zark was mad.  He was sure of this, because the only two emotions
that he knew he was in possesion of were mad and un-mad.  And this was
definitely the former.  For the fourth time in so many light-years,
Zark had been ticketed for speeding.  Didn't these heathen rent-a-cops
know who he *was*?, Zark thought to himself.  Evidently not, he replied
to himself after several moments of deep thought.  Or several moments of
what passed for thought in Zark's head, at any rate.  Nevertheless, he
was pissed. The next ship I see, he declared, gets a Nova bomb up its

    Joe the interplanar mailman powered up his "new" truck.  As the
decades-old hyper-boosters warmed up to operating temperature, he
busied himself with loading the mail out of his old truck and into
the "new" one.
    "Stinking piece of trash, this is.", mumbled Joe to himself.  He
was, understandably, in a bad mood.  How many people *would* be in a good
mood if they had been transmuted, rather discourteously, into a piece of
luncheon meat and then a Rubik's cube?  Not many, I can assure you.
Additionally, he was late for the first time in his career, and the
replacement truck he had been sent was so old that it still operated
on the principle of non-linear hyperbolic computational vector
mechanics. God, how primitive!, thought Joe.  Evidently, mailmen of the
future are a bit more sophisticated than in the present.
    Eventually, all of the mail bound for heaven was loaded, and the
boosters had warmed up to the temperature required for ignition.  Joe
started it up.  With a cough and a sputter, the aged truck slowly
lifted off the ground and accelerated.  It soon gained escape velocity
and rocketed away into space.
    Joe, with a sigh of resignation, slowly began to figure out the
warp coordinates to get to Heaven from here, and feed them into the
ship's computer.  Unfortunately for him, he had only the one set
of eyes, unlike many denizens of the Universe, and didn't see the
approaching starship.  Nor did he see the two huge missile banks
unfold from its flanks, nor did he see the swarm of hyperatomic
explosives converge upon his defenseless ship.  He did, however,
notice briefly when they turned him into a rather energetic cloud
of sub-atomic particles.  Joe's soul winged its way toward heaven,
but, unfortunately for him,  the celestial crossing guards were on
strike, and he lost his way.
    "Hello?", said Joe.
    "G'day, blooie! Welcome to Nether space!", said Ralph.

    Zark was happy. Or rather he was un-mad, which passed for happy in
this case.  Zark was always un-mad whenever he had the chance to turn
an innocent, defenseless creature into a puff of vapor.  Zark cackled.
He cackled again.  And again.  By the time the cackling center of Zark's
brain had exhausted itself, several hours had passed, and Zark was
utterly lost in the depths of intergalactic space.
    "Damn.", said Zark.  Before he could elaborate upon this mild
swear, an alarm rang over his EtherFax machine, and a slip of paper
fell out of the "Orders" slot.  Zark picked it up and gave it a quick
once-over.  The slip of paper read:

              Intergalactic Time Police Headquarters
                 From Sector Fleet Admiral Gooot

    Orders to: Second Lieutenant Zark Flyby

    You are hereby ordered to immediately proceed to the following
    location and apprehend the Earth-humanoid Dr. Bing Von Spleen.

         Gamma-Omega-2G0D-Delta        Sector GO/777/D

         Known to inhabitants as "Heaven"
         Stable culture of Class 6 (Theocratic)
         Coordinates of target: 462100.6773401.940011

    Due to the sensitive nature of the location, you are to approach
    the target in disguise, bring him back to your craft, and blow
    him up there.  Violence within Heaven would be frowned upon by
    your superiors.  Obviously.

    Zark read over his orders again.  He checked his calender to make
sure it wasn't April Shithead's Day (the future rendition of our
holiday), and, with a shrug, entered the relevant information into his
ship's computer and shot off into the distance.
    Several hours later, the proximity sensor beeped, rousing Zark out
of his slumber.  He shambled forward onto the bridge, and turned off the
beeping alarm.  He punched the target coordinates into the
dematerializer, and paused, recalling that he was supposed to enter
Heaven in disguise.
    Like most people, he didn't know much about the place except for
what he had read, so he didn't really know what to wear.  However, the
designers of his ship had foreseen his lack of information in this and
many other areas, such as how to eat and where the bathroom is, so his
ship's computer was chock full of useful tidbits, like "Socks, *then*
shoes!"  Additionally, it had an immense data bank on what to wear on
planets when going in disguise, and this was exactly what Zark wanted.
    He slumped into the command chair and typed into the computer
terminal "query: disguise list for heaven".  The printer chattered to
itself for a few seconds, and spat out a short list.

         White is always in season in Heaven.  For the truly
         discriminating  angel,  however,  a bit of  gold or
         silver trim around the sleeves of waist is the acme
         of fashion.  A halo  is also a necessary  accessory
         to any  beatific  get-up,  as is a harp.   Gold for
         both the harp  and  halo  are a must.  Keep in mind
         that only  Saints and Mother  Superiors are allowed
         to have  red in their robes,  and  beards are a bad
         move for any but God and St. Peter.  Some  tips and
         snipets of advice:

         1) No leather.  This *especially* applied to boots.
         2) No footwear that extends  above  the ankle, i.e.
            no high-tops,  Bean-boots,  and  *definitely* no
            waders.  Sandals, as always, are in.
         3) The  open  display of  weapons is a sure sign of
            the non-resident.
         4) Anything  in  black is  a dead  (pardon the pun)
            giveaway, too.
         5) Any jewelry, beside a St. Christopher's medal or
            a crucifix is not wise.  Also, it is passe.
         6) Nazi uniforms are  right  out.  We  are  talking
            not even in your wildest dreams.

    Zark read over this list, and walked over to the shipboard
Disguise-O-Matic.  He punched in the selection code of his choice, and
stepped inside.  A faint whirring emanated from the walls around him,
and he exited in a white robe, rimmed with gold, and with a large gold
hoop in his hand.  He looked himself over in a mirror, and placed the
halo in the appropriate position.  Aside from the large black scar
running from the corner of his eye to his adam's apple, he looked like
any other angel.
    "Good.", said Zark.  He stepped into the matter-transmitter, pressed
the "Start" button, and vanished in a flicker of blue flame.

***** Entry appended 14:14 on Wed, 02/17/88 by RPS385 at MAINE      # 080 *****
From:        Jeff Smith (RPS385 at MAINE)

Whoops! I forgot the questions!  Well, (belatedly) here they are:

Will Zark arrive at the right point in space?
Will Zark arrive at the right point in time?
Will Zark arrive at the right point in something else entirely?
Will Zark capture the Doctor?
Will he, by accident, kill off several other major characters in
 an attempt to simplify an all-too-silly CSNOTICE?
Will Bruce Jenner ever marry Nell Carter, or will their love-child
 be forever without a father?

To find the answers to these and other higly unlikely questions, tune
in for the next action packed edition of SFSTORY CSNOTICE!!

***** Entry appended 14:25 on Wed, 02/17/88 by RPS385 at MAINE      # 081 *****
Subject:     Doomsday arrives
From:        Scott McGuire (89SGM at WILLIAMS)

If there had been a dimension higher than that of Heaven (which there wasn't),
one could have looked down below and seen a scene which was not usually seen.
In front of the Pearly Gates of Heaven, themselves a wondrous gilded work set
into the clouds which formed the base of Heaven, were gathered a peculiar
collection of mortals, immortals, and dead souls.  The dead souls were ranged
all around the Pearly Gates, each playing a different tune on a harmonica.
Their leaders, including Archangel Garbriel, a large doG, Omegas, the dead New
Yorker Bubba, Zark Flyby, Dr. Bing von Spleen, Quooth the Questing Wzaxtil,
and Mark Hyperthrust's gang, were looking around the sky nervously.  And
approaching rapidly past all the stars and planets that make up our normal
universe was the thing they were looking for nervously: another immortal,
Sagemo, and his ABPSAR-powered evil robot Andy.  Both were sneering.

We leave our hypothetical higher dimension to join Sagemo and Andy.  "The
fools, I can see them all..." Sagemo declared, "...and they're armed with only
harmonicas.  I hardly think that will stop me."

Andy, not equipped with vocal circuits, merely made his eyes a darker shade of
evil red.

"That worthless counterpart of mine is perhaps the only danger, and I will
take him out first!" concluded Sagemo, as they swooped down into the midst of
Heaven's Defense.  The clouds of Heaven blackened as they stood upon them,
preparing to bring about was effectively Doomsday.

Zark Flyby, anxious to end the battle and leave, was the first to engage the
dastartly duo.  He waved his Galacti-mart Ray Gun at Sagemo, and said, "You're
trespassing on private property.  No one is allowed here without an
invitation.  The Time Police have a hefty penalty for crimes such as this."

"A ray gun," Sagemo said.  "How quaint."  He waved a hand and the ray gun
disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"I'm warning you," Zark continued.  Sagemo clubbed him unconscious with Steve
Vogel's brain, which he was still carrying.

Radar ran forward out of Mark's protective grasp.  "Stop!  That's my brother's

"Ah yes," Sagemo said, pausing to look at it.  "A brain is such a terrible
thing to waste."  He tossed it over the edge of the clouds.  Radar, Linda,
Natchwald, and Mark gasped in horror, running over to the edge to look for it.
Sagemo closed on Omegas.  Several thousands souls with harmonicas crowded in
front of him, playing very bad harmonica music which when heard collectively
sounded like a heavy metal song transposed for harmonica, played backwards
underwater.  Sagemo indicated them, and his robot began to tear them apart.
He continued to walk unopposed.

Omegas, a noble look on his face, stood to face his evil twin.  "I cannot
allow you to go any further," he said simply.

"And how do you propose to stop me?"  Omegas pointed at him, and a shower of
daisies fell from the sky.  Sagemo wilted them.  Omegas surrounded Sagemo with
a squadron of shouting muppets (including Kermit the Frog).  Sagemo scattered
them.  Omegas called forth a rainbow and placed in Sagemo's path.  Sagemo bent
the rainbow and pocketed the gold from the pot at its end.  "You have become
too nice," Sagemo sneered.  "Your nursery school threats mean nothing to me!"

With that, he called forth a bolt of lightning which struck Omegas squarely on
the left ear, causing Omegas to flinch.  Then the evil immortal caused five
three-headed dogs with sharp fangs to manifest.  The dogs immediately started
to chew on Omegas's legs, and his face twisted in pain.  "Take this," Sagemo
cried, throwing a thousand poisoned darts at Omegas, "and this," Omegas's
clothes burst into flames of unholy fire, "and THIS!"  Lightning bolt after
lightning bolt struck Omegas.  He kneeled in agony, bringing the dogs closer
to his face.

They began to gnaw on his nose, when the inspiration struck him to make a
litter of kittens appear in the distance.  The dogs ran after them, and
unfortunately fell off the edge of Heaven.  He made a waterfall appear,
dousing the flames.  And he flexed his chest, making the darts to fly back at
Sagemo.  He stood up, took the lightning bolts, and turned them into lightning
bugs.  Finally, he moved foward and pelted Sagemo with brightly colored
balloons (with "Happy Birthday" printed on their sides).

As this battle raged, Gabriel pulled Bubba and Dr. von Spleen aside.  "Bubba,"
he said with great reserve, "I do not like to ask you to do this, but remove
another bar from the gates, and use it against the robot.  It should make a
decent weapon.  And Dr. von Spleen, we must get your Automatic Beet Peeler and
SubAtomic Re-integrator back, and use it to recombine Omegas and Sagemo."

Bubba eagerly rent the gates again, and waded through the dispersed souls
(stepping on a few and getting souls in his soles), and prodded the robot with
the bar.  Sparks flew from the robot.  In this way, Bubba gained its

He smashed it again.  More sparks flew, and a few of its deadly weapons were
destroyed.  Angered, the robot's eyes flared orange, and its chest glowed as
it drew power from the ABPSAR.  Bubba whirled the bar around like a baton, and
took at swing at Andy's legs.  With noises resembling the noises one does not
like to hear coming from your vacuum cleaner's innards, the robot stumbled.
Bubba grinned.  He was winning!  He took a deep breath and prepared to behead
the robot.  But as the bar arced towards the robot, it reached up with a
pincer and took hold of the golden club, and shook it back and forth.  Bubba
had to let go.  Then drawing such power from the ABPSAR that space began to
warp around the robot, Andy prepared to painfully shred Bubba's spirit into a
thousand pieces and send them into hyperspace.

"No," cried Quooth, coming from behind Gabriel, "it was not meant this way."
He took one of the two harmonicas in his possession, and threw it at the
robot.  The harmonica was sucked into the ABPSAR's fuel cavity, where it began
to be automatically peeled and processed into raw five-dimensional energy.

The Big Guy, who had been standing around in the form of a large doG, but
decided to change back into his usual form (that of an all-powerful immortal,
and we all know what they look like), stepped forward.  The robot was
immobilized and strange colors were materializing in the air around it.
Sagemo and Omegas, sensing something was wrong, stopped their battle to stare.
"Now that," the Big Guy said quietly, "is not something even I would have
dared to do."


Will Steve Vogel's brain go splat when it eventually stops falling?
Given what has happened before when strange things ended up in the ABPSAR,
  what will happen now that the most holy and perfect item in the universe
  has been inserted into it?
Will Sagemo and Omegas destroy each other?
Should St. Peter have cancelled his dentist's appointment for this?

The answers await... in the next episode of SFSTORY CSNOTICE.

***** Entry appended 15:40 on Wed, 02/17/88 by 89SGM at WILLIAMS    # 082 *****
From:        Jeff Smith (RPS385 at MAINE)

- Due to an inexplicable mental illness, the author of this entry was -
- unable to read the previous CSNOTICE entry, which is just as well,  -
- since, not to put to fine a point on it, it wasn't too hot.         -

    Moments later, Zark appeared in Heaven.  Get a good look, he thought
to himself, you'll probably never see this place again.  He noticed that
on the horizon there was some commotion, and he headed toward it.  Sooner
than he expected he arrived at his destination, which happened to be the
Pearly Gates.  He stopped and surveyed the situation.  A group of
Saints and angel had gathered around the pearly gates, and seemed to be
waiting anxiously for something.
    Upon closer inspection, he realized that one of the figures beneath
him was the object of his mission, Doctor Von Spleen.  Zark cautiously
waited until the Doctor was alone, and then descended to meet him.
    "Yo!", grunted Zark.
    "Huh?", grunted the Doctor back.
    "Remember me?", asked Zark, hoping to put the Doctor ill at ease.
    "Nope.", said the Doctor, turning away.
    This monosyllable had the effect upon Zark that usually only
polysyllables did, i.e. that of dumping him into a confused stupor.
After a few moments of silence, Zark awoke from his daze and caught up
with the Doctor, who was waling toward a large cloud.
    "Wait!", command Zark.
    "No.", said the Doctor as he entered the cloud and disappeared from
    Zark, still having a response to this situation resident in his
short-term memory, paused for barely a minute, and then quickly followed
the Doctor into the cloud.
    Expecting the white wetness of a standard strato-nimbular structure,
Zark was therefore surprised to discover that he was, in fact, inside of
a men's room.
    "Can't a guy take a whizz in peace?", asked the Doctor's exasperated
voice from one of the stalls.
    "Not when you're being pursued by Zark Flyby of the Intergalactic
Time Police!", stated Zark, thus completeing the longest continual
sentence in his hitherto stunted mental career.
    The semi-musical sound of the Doctor's bodily functions stopped
    "Surprised you, huh?", gloated  Zark.
    "Uh, yeah.  usually I'm not arrested in the men's room.", replied the
    "Well.. Usually, I don't arrest people in the bathroom, either.",
admitted  Zark.
    "Here's an idea, then.", said the Doctor, resuming his mission that
had brought him into the bathroom in the first place.
    "Where?", asked Zark, confused, and not a little impressed, by the
Doctor's ability to do two things at once, namely think and, well.. the
other thing.  In fact, thinking in any way usually had the effect of
impressing Zark, which is unfortunate because, given the mental caliber
of the people he hung around with, he led a pretty un-impressed life.
    "Now, just to make us both more comfortable about my arrest, why
don't you go outside and wait for me to finish.  Then, we'll both not be
in a lavatory when you arrest me.  Okay?", explained the Doctor.
    "Umm.. Sounds good to me.", said Zark and exited the men's room.
    As soon as he heard the door close, the Doctor quickly exited the
stall, washed his hands, and crawled out the window.  Unfortunately
for his stealth, Zark had exited through the wrong door, and left the
closet just in time to see the Doctor's legs disappear through the
window frame.  He quickly dashed out of the bathroom and circled the
cloud.  He found the Doctor peeking around a corner, and gave him a swift
smack with his halo.  The Doctor's limp body slumped to the ground.
Zark hefted the Doctor's unconscious body, and started back to his ship.
He was a mere hundred yards from his ship and safety, when a voice
spoke from behind him.
    "Excuse me.  What are you doing?", asked the voice.
    "Umm.. Just carrying my friend here back home.  He's had a bit too
much lager, you know.", said Zark, lifting his free wrist in the
universal sign of drinking.
    "There's no alcohol in Heaven.", stated the angel to whom the voice
    "How can you call it Heaven then?", muttered Zark.
    "Never mind.," continued Zark, "just bugger off."
    "You're not an angel.", said the angel suspiciously.
    "Yes, I am.", said Zark.
    "Then why'd you have that scar?", asked the angel, "Everyone's
required to get plastic surgery before approaching the Pearly Gates."
    "Really?", said Zark, "I must have missed that.  I'll get it fixed
first thing Tuesday."  He turned his back on the questioning angel, and
continued toward his ship.

              * Gargavix Oolavant's Pocket Guide to *
              * the Space-Time  Continuum says that *
              * it is a little  known fact that all *
              * souls entering  Heaven are required *
              * to receive  plastic  surgery.  This *
              * bizarre entry  qualification is the *
              * result  of  a  personal  fetish  of *
              * Saint Peter,Director of Admissions, *
              * and the cooperation of Saint Duane, *
              * the  Patron  Saint of  Hairdressing *
              * and   Elective    Surgery.    Other *
              * interesting  and little known facts *
              * about   Heaven    are   that   each *
              * applicant  is  required  to  own  a *
              * sheep and that  lawn  ornaments are *
              * totally   unvailable  there.   The  *
              * rationale  behind these regulations *
              * escapes   the  chronicler  at  this *
              * time.                               *

    "Come back here!", yelled the angel, "Or I'll call the police!"
    "You do that!", yelled back Zark who, by this time had opened the
doors to his ship and was about to enter.  Zark looked over his
shoulder and gave the stunned angel a quick Italian salute.  Turning
his back on the flustered divinity, he entered his ship and closed
the door.  He put the Doctor into the detention cell, locked the cell
door, and advanced to the bridge.  He powered up the computer, set
his course for the Police Station, and reached to turn on the engines.
Before he could, however, his EtherFax machine chattered out another
message.  He picked up the slip of paper with an impatient grab and
quickly read it.

              Intergalactic Time Police Headquarters
                 From Sector Fleet Admiral Gooot

    Orders to: Second Lieutenant Zark Flyby

    You are hereby ordered to immediately proceed to the following
    location and stop the immortal Sagemos and his killer robot Andy.

         Gamma-Omega-2G0D-Delta        Sector GO/777/D

         Known to inhabitants as "Heaven"
         Stable culture of Class 6 (Theocratic)
         Coordinates of target: 563200.4223401.640011 (Pearly Gates)

    Due to the urgent nature of this mission, ALL AVAILABLE FORCE
    it to be used to dispatch the foes.

    P.S. Don't worry about wiping out other major characters.

    "At last," said Zark, "a mission where I can turn someone into dust!"
With a joyous whoop, he flicked on his plasma trusters and shot off
toward the entrance to Heaven.  In the space of heartbeat, Zark had
arrived at his destination and saw what he was up against.  A huge
black robot was busy crushing angels beneath its metal feet, and two
tall humanoids, surprisingly alike, were grappling in a corner.  A
slightly overweight human was trying unsuccessfully to hide behind a
pile of burning harmonicas, and two old men were watching patiently.
    Zark turned on his Gobz-O-Deth Mega-blasters, aimed them at the
large robot, and let fly.  In a flash of deadly energies beyond the
comprehension of mortal man, the robot and a large portion of the crowd
of angels that had been unsuccessfully fighting it flashed into flame.
The robot slowly turned and aimed it's cannons at Zark's ship.
    Ignoring the obvious threat of the robot, Zark focused his
attention upon some of the plot contrivances below.  He fired a few
canisters of Res-Tin-Peece nerve gas at the group, and saw them
wither and turn into unsightly green globs of decaying protoplasm.
However the two struggling humanoids were unaffected.  Stronger
measures were required for them, Zark decided.  He trained his
teleporter beam onto them, and instantly transported the pair into the
heart of a nearby supernova.  Zark chuckled evilly.
    By this time, the half-incinerated robot had trained his guns
upon Zark's craft and fired.  Huge volleys of liquid fire were
exchanged between the two foes for what seemed like hours.  In fact,
it was hours.  And most of the observers were beginning to become
    "So, what'd'ya think of the World Series?", asked Bubba of God.
    "The Cardinals will beat the Yankees in five games.", responded
    "You think so?", asked Bubba, his ire raised by the fact that
someone thought the Yankees would loose.
    "I know so," said God, "I'm omnipotent, remember?"
    "Oh..", said Bubba, lapsing into a sullen silence.
    Suddenly, for no apparent reason, the killer robot Andy stopped
firing.  The word "mercy" not being in Zark's vocabulary, he finished
it off with a quick burst of atomic bombs, unfortunately killing several
hundred innocent bystanders.
    "I love it!", muttered Zark.  Having finished his job, he shot off
into hyperspace, leaving a dazed and not overly thankful group of angels
behind.  Due to a nearby weakness in the fabric of space-time and the
mind-boggling amount of energy released here, Bubba, remarkably
unscathed by the wholesale destruction he had witnessed, disappeared
into the nothingness of Nether-Space.
    "Hi, Bubba. Welcome back!", said Ralph.
    "Where am I?", asked Joe.

Have I successfully untangled the plot of SFSTORY and returned the
 major characters to where they belong, e.g. space?
Have I caused any confusion by totally ignoring the previous SFSTORY
Will Joe ever escape Nether Space?
Will Bubba ever escape Nether Space?
Will the Doctor reconstruct the ABPSAR, or will he let sleeping Spam lie?
Will Andy or Brent ever append to this csnotice again?

To find out the answers to these and other questions of dubious
importance, tune in for the next edition of SFSTORY CSNOTICE!

***** Entry appended 16:02 on Thu, 02/18/88 by RPS385 at MAINE      # 083 *****
From:        Jeff Smith (RPS385 at MAINE)

    Zark, his spaceship, and the Doctor flew through space.  However,
two out of three of these objects were totally unaware of this
situation, and the other was extremly pissed off about it.  The
pissed off one was presently locked into a small cell inside another
of the objects by order of the other.  Nevertheless, all three of them
flew through space.
    The Doctor slowly swam up from the blackness of unconsciousness.
The last thing he remembered was being beaned from behind by a halo, and
the only thing was was aware of now, was the texture of the floor on
his tongue.  Deciding after a few short minutes of semi-awake pondering,
the Doctor decided that the taste of the floor didn't really appeal to
him, so he sat up.  The sudden rush of blood to his head caused him to
gain oneness with the floor again. so the process was repeated.  Wake,
lick, sit, fall, wake, lick, sit, fall.. and so on.  Eventually, the
battered Doctor realized that this was getting him nowhere, so he
stayed prone on the floor.  Slowly, he regained strength enough to
sit up without passing out, and he did so, taking a quick look at the
room he was in in the process.
    It was a small, almost closet-like, room, roughly ten by ten, totally
decorated in metal grillwork.  Deciding that the design of this room was
more than just a personal fetish of the owner, the Doctor came to the
astute conclusion that he was imprisoned, which was no big deal for him,
seeing how it had happened so many times before.
    The first idea that came to him was to escape, however a second
idea appeared and said that the first was pretty dumb because, if he was
imprisoned, the door would be locked. Then, a third idea came along and,
just to cause confusion, announced that maybe the Doctor *wasn't*
imprisoned and, in fact, maybe he wasn't the Doctor at all, but just a
highly evolved bicycle.  The other two ideas banded together and beat
the third sensless.  Meanwhile, the Doctor was telling the whole group
of ideas that it was getting impossible to think with all this talking
and beating up going on, so the remaining ideas quieted down.
    The Doctor stood shakily, and advanced over to the most door-looking
of the four walls, and pushed it.  Not at all to his surprise, it
didn't budge at all, so he sat back down and tried to get some sleep.

              * Gargavix Oolavant's Pocket Guide to *
              * the Space-Time  Continuum says that *
              * on the planet Exxon IV, an entirely *
              * new  branch of interior  decoration *
              * was created  around  the concept of *
              * making  doors  not look like doors, *
              * but instead like walls.  While this *
              * was  all well and  good  for  those *
              * people  who  like   to  trap  other *
              * people into  rooms where they can't *
              * find the door and escape, the large *
              * segment of the  population that had *
              * use for  such a  decorating  scheme *
              * denounced  the  Door-Disguisers, as *
              * they liked to be called, as a bunch *
              * of useless poofs,  and had them all *
              * rounded up and shot.  Unfortunately *
              * for them,  soon after this purge of *
              * decorators  occured,  an alien race *
              * from the nearby  planet of  Voit VI *
              * arrived and  demanded  that all the *
              * doors on their  spaceship be hidden *
              * from  sight.   Although  no-one  is *
              * really sure why the aliens demanded *
              * this,  there are several  theories. *
              * First,  that the  aliens were all a *
              * few  sandwiches  short of a picnic, *
              * if you  know  what I mean,  second, *
              * that they were playing some kind of *
              * interstellar  fraternity  prank, or *
              * lastly,  that they were just giving *
              * the  residents of  Exxon  IV a hard *
              * time. As you can see, none of these *
              * theories  are all that  great,  but *
              * no-one really cares, seeing how all *
              * of the Exxonians were atomized upon *
              * the failure to complete their task, *
              * and the  aliens  from Voit IV  were *
              * pretty damn weird in any case.      *

    The jarring squeal of the proximity alarm woke Zark out of his
slumber, where he had been dreaming happily of raping and pillaging.  He
turned on the viewscreen, and focused it upon the coordinates the
ether radar gave him.  It showed what appeared to be a mangled piece
of metal, but upon closer inspection revealed itself to be a the
remnants of a spaceship that had been through a horrible battle.  Zark,
acting under standing orders to give all derelict spaceships a rough
time, suited up into spacegear, and transported over to the hulk.
    He materialized in what was once the bridge of the spaceship.
Ignoring the the crumpled bodies of humanoids lying scattered across the
deck, and the equally distorted robots that lay in a corner of the
room, Zark advanced over to the command console, and pressed the button
labeled "PA SYSTEM."  With a crackle of static, the speakers situated
throughout the ship snapped to life, and Zark's voice began to
issue forth through them.
    "Attention all surviving personnel.  This is Second Lieutenant
Zark Flyby of the Intergalactic Time Police, and I am about to
destroy your ship.  There's no way for any of you to be rescued or
anything, so just stay there.  The only reason I'm making this
announcement in the first place, is to let you all suffer.  I've recently
had an unhappy love affair, and I don't see why I shouldn't let off some
steam by killed a few helpless people.  Nevertheless, have a nice day."
    Zark, having completed his announcement, shot the PA control switch
into dust, and began to search for a self-destruct control.  Before he
could find the correct panel of buttons, the door to his rear opened up
with a harsh click.  Zark spun around, gripping his Lotz-o-Deth pistol
and faced his intruder.  It was a tall humanoid with blue skin, wearing
a tattered silver sequined cloak.  He advanced slowly toward Zark with
his hands up, but stopped when the floor to his left evaporated in
response to a bolt of energy from Zark's pistol.
    "What'd'ya want?" growled Zark, "I told you before, no rescue."
    "Rescue? Me? No, no no.", said the humanoid, "I just want to make
a deal.  I'm G.X.P. Varneyloop LXVII, you've probably heard of me."
    "Nope.", said Zark, proud to be able to use the word that had so
confused his earlier, and also wondering if it would confuse this new
adversary.  Unfortunately, he had no such luck.
    "Too bad.", reponded the humanoid, "Here's my card."
    Zark quickly read the card.

                     G.X.P. Varneyloop LXVII

                        A brand new name
                       Will bring you fame,
                  And let 'em know who you are,
                      from Sirius to Altair.

    "That's pretty bad poetry," said Zark, his heavily buried artistic
instincts aroused by the depth of awfulness encompassed by the pair of
    "I'm sorry, but it's the best I could do on short notice.", responded
Varneyloop, "So how about it?"
    "How about what?", asked Zark, pocketing the card.
    "Giving me a lift to my planet, Anthrax V, in exchange for the free
use of my services."
    "What, give me a new name?", asked Zark
    "Yes," responded G.X.P. triumphantly.
    "Zark's fine with me.", said Zark.
    "Yes, but it's kind of.. dull, isn't it?"
    "Dull!?", bellowed Zark, waving the blaster at G.X.P.'s head.
    "Not dull, but ummn.. outmoded.", amended G.X.P. quickly.
    "Oh.. That's better.", said Zark dropping the gun.  Actually, he
didn't know if it was any better or not, since he didn't really know what
"outmoded" mean, but neither of them cared.
    "Let's go back to your ship and discuss names, okay?", asked G.X.P.,
anxious to leave the derelict.
    "Okay," said Zark, "Wait here."  He pressed a button on his chest,
and disspeared in a flash of blue flame, shortly thereafter, G.X.P. made
the same sudden exit mumbling under his breath.
    "Zark the Mad-man death-soldier of Frodo VII.. nah..", he mumbled.

Will G.X.P. find a suitable name for Zark?
Will Zark understand more than half of the words in it?
Will the Doctor ever be free of his imprisonment?
Will he ever be able to reconstruct the ABPSARI?
Will I have to put in a plot synopsis?
Sure looks like it..

For the answers to none of these questions, close your eyes and spin
around quickly ten times.  But tune in for the next edition of SFSTORY

***** Entry appended 16:25 on Fri, 02/19/88 by RPS385 at MAINE      # 085 *****
From:        Jeff Smith (RPS385 at MAINE)

Due to the increasing complexity of this forum,I will attempt to clarify
the ever-changing world of SFSTORY via some comments on each major

Omegas/Sagemos - This pair of opposites has been teleported by Zark
                 Flyby to the interior of a supernova, killing them
                 both.  Bummer.

Bubba - aka Bubba the Wanton and Invincible Death-Merchant from Hell. An
        innocent New Yorker (or at least as innocent as they come in
        that pit of preversion) who, due to stupidity within his control,
        has become a slave to Satan, Doctor Bing Von Spleen, God, Omegas,
        and several other immortals.  Despite, or rather because of, his
        lengthy adventures, he is presently in Nether-space resting.

Ralph - aka The Giant Space Weasel from Anthrax V. A greatly
        misunderstood and much put-upon Weaseloid from the distant
        planet Leibowitz IV.  He was tricked into Satan's service by
        G.X.P. Varnyloop LXVII (q.v.), but escaped it by a contract
        technicality.  Ralph is, in actuality, a very gentle creature,
        and an accomplished ukulele player in his own right.  He is
        currently undergoing an in-depth study on the amount of sex
        that a Weaseloid can have without growing an extra leg.  So
        far, the results are inconclusive, and Ralph is doing further
        study.  He is presently mega-dosing on Vitamin E in Nether-Space.

Satan - The Devil. You all know about him, from personal experience
        or otherwise, so I need not elaborate on his character any
        further.  Nevertheless, let it be said that he is, to put
        it into polite terms, not a ton of laughs.  He is presently
        trying to stay out of the plot-line of SFSTORY.

The Doctor - Doctor Bing Von Spleen, the world's most famous and
             clearest-complexioned Spamological Engineer.  He invented
             the Automatic Beet Peeler and Sub-Atomic Re-integrater,
             which was eventually used against him by a fellow scientist
             to send him into Nether-Space.  He later became  a biker on
             the planet Foonronger IV, where he accidentally killed
             Captain Steve Vogel (q.v.).  He left the planet on a stolen
             spaceship powered by the ABPSR and returned to Earth, where
             he was destroyed, and subsequentally reconstructed, by
             Omegas.  After flying around the cosmos, dying, and being
             hit over the head a lot, he has been locked up inside
             the spaceship of Zark Flyby.

G.X.P.- The Name-Maker and associate of Satan who's full name reads,
        Gorginforx Xipnapoloop Pargarquackylywinks Varnyloop LXVII,
        giving all who know him a keen understanding of why he uses
        his initials.  Varnyloop is tall, blue, and likes to yodel in
        his spare time.  Some of his most famous reputation-inflations
        are; The Giant Space Weasel of Anthrax V, Dorf the Hideous and
        Thoroughly Evil Body-Basher or Fructose VII, Hoon the Amazing
        and Totally Fabulous Wonder-Worker of Beachcomber VIII, and
        Ronald Reagan the Great Communicator.  He is presently in
        transit to his home planet.

Steve - Captain Steve Vogel, the neurotic and slightly effeminate
        captain of the ill-fated Challenger II.  Due to a slight
        mishap when he came out of nether-space, he was turned into
        a Seven-Legged Qwumby, run over by Doctor Von Spleen (q.v.)
        and made into fish-food.

Joe - An interplanr mailman who, due to a run in with the Devil, is
      trapped in Nether-Space.  He plans to regain his sanity as soon
      he leaves.

Zark - Second Lieutenant Zark Flyby of the Integalactic Time Police,
       after disrupting a peace-conference on the planet Fwoont and
       attacking Heaven, both to arrest the Doctor, is flying toward
       his base with the Doctor under arrest, and G.X.P. in tow.

***** Entry appended 16:40 on Fri, 02/19/88 by RPS385 at MAINE      # 086 *****
From:        Jeff Smith (RPS385 at MAINE)

    The Doctor awoke from his sleep with a jolt.  He had been dreaming
that he was back on Earth, participating in a sweaty coupling with a
hitherto unknown species of herbivore, and it was just getting to
the good part, e.g. the animal was about to chew its cud, when it
ended.  The Doctor cursed under his breath, and tried to go back to
sleep.  It was, however, a fruitless task, and he soon gave up
trying.  He stood up, stretched his aching muscles, and had another good
look at the room he was in.  It was still a prison cell made out of
reinforced grill-type walls, and he was still inside it.
    The Doctor sat back down upon the floor, decided that he was
hungry, and started to search his pockets.  He found a ball of
string, a dead newt, and a piece of alien junkmail with the smiling
face of Ed McAlien grinning out at him, but no food.  He was
contemplating eating the newt when a sound outside of his cell awoke
him from his reverie. It was the sound of a maintainance robot
sweeping the hallway.  An idea suddenly sprang into the Doctor's
    He arose from the floor, tore up the envelope, and scattered the
bits of paper across the room.  Then he waited.  Soon, his patience
was rewarded, when the small maintenance robot opened the cell door,
which, much to the Doctor's surprise and much to the pleasure of
the Door-disguisers responsible for its design, had they known of it,
didn't look at all like a door.  The robot commenced cleaning up the
mess that it had sensed, and, before it could exit again, the Doctor
had ducked out of his cell.
    He cautiously looked up and down the hallway, searching it for
people aiming guns at him.  Finding none, he slowly walked down the
corridor, pausing to listen for footsteps.  Eventually, he came upon
a door with the words "Bridge" stenciled on them in large yellow
letters.  Cleverly sensing that beyond the portal was, indeed, the
bridge of the ship, and deducing that Zark would probably be there,
piloting the ship, the Doctor looked around for a weapon to use
against him.  Since this was a ship of the Intergalactic Time
Police, weapons were to be found stuffed into virtually every nook
and cranny of the vessel, and the Doctor picked up the most
dangerous looking of the ones available, and, brandishing it in
what he hoped was the correct manner so as not to blow off his feet,
confidantly passed through the door.
    The bridge was empty.  The Doctor whipped around to make sure
there was no-one behind him, but succeeded only in making himself dizzy.
He sat down in the plush command chair, waited for the room to stop
orbiting his head, and examined the controls before him.  He noticed
in the ship computer's log that Zark had teleported over to a
nearby ship and had yet to come back.  Realizing that this was his
chance to get control of the ship, the Doctor flicked the switch
labeled "Transporter" to the position labeled "Scramble" and had a
really good laugh.
    "Flick," said the switch.
    "Ha ha ha," said the Doctor.

    Zark Flyby and G.X.P. Varneyloop LXVII sputtered into existance
standing upon a small knoll in the middle of a vast jungle.  To all
sides of them lay lush greenery, towering above their heads to form a
huge canopy of vegetation.  Surrounding the hillock upon which they
stood was a huge morass of water, pond scum, and floating things
that defied classification.  Pieces of dead wood bobbed and georged
around in the miniature currents that held sway over this jungle
    "Nice ship," said G.X.P., "Where's the john?"
    "Uhhh.. buhh..", said Zark, his mind, as usual, paralyzed in
    "Wipe that drool of your chin, boy," said G.X.P., "and point me in
the direction of the nearest commode."
    "Guhhh.. Huhh..", elaborated Zark.  His brain finally gave up on
the immense task of both thinking and maintaining a non-prone position,
so it allowed his body to drop to the ground with a wet thud.
    "Thud," said the ground wetly.
    G.X.P. by this time, had grown tired of Zark grunted replies and
refusal to direct him to the rest room, so he did his duty into the
water surrounding them.
    "If you think I'm gonna put in *that* sound, you're crazy.", said the
    G.X.P. zipped up his fly, and returned his attention to Zark, who
was lying face down in the mud.  Small bubbles were trickling up
from the corners of his mouth, signifying that he was still breathing.
    "I get the feeling that this isn't your ship." said G.X.P. as he
watched one of the "trees" arise from the water and crawl off into the
    "Bllbbbmmmmbb." bubbled Zark.
    "What?" asked G.X.P.
    "Bllbbbmmmmbb." repeated Zark.
    G.X.P. sighed, turned Zark face up, pulled some twigs out of his
mouth, and repeated his question.
    "Nope," said Zark, having become quite fond of that word, "it isn't."
    "Then where are we?", asked G.X.P.
    "Dunno.", responded Zark.  His brain, having finished its
assimilation of Zark's surroundings, allowed him the luxury of getting
up, brushing himself off, and staring at the jungle surrounding him.
A green bird suddenly took off, flapping its large wings, and squawking
loudly.  Zark, with lightning-quick reflexes, pulled out his gun, and
shot it down.  Having done something so familiar to him, i.e. killing
someone of something, he smiled and relaxed a bit.
    "Let's start walking." said Zark.
    "Where to?" asked G.X.P.
    "Dunno." said Zark for the second time in so many minutes.
    "Great." said G.X.P. for, not surprisingly, the first time that day.

Will Zark and G.X.P. find their way out of the jungle?
Will the Doctor find his way out of the sexual confusion that he is
Will they find themselves in the same place?
Will they find themselves not in the same place?
Am I stretching for questions?

In order not to not unfind out the unanswers to none of these questions
and less, don't not untune in for the next anti-episode of SFSTORY

***** Entry appended 15:27 on Sat, 02/20/88 by RPS385 at MAINE      # 087 *****
Subject:     wherein maine's population decreases
From:        Eric Alfred Burns (enll6ac at bostonu)

Meanwhile....back in Portland, Maine....
     Rob and Taylor were busy in the 156th round of the USM
Drink off--a very VERY unoffical contest the two of them held every
ninth of march in all sixteen years they had been underclassmen.
Literally four people were rivited half-asleep watching the more
or less mindlessly dull event, in which Rob was the favorite on account
of his feet.
     Right about now, the entire bar matter detonated, as the full
fury of a space/nether space reaction channeled most of the city
of Portland into hyperspace at warp four, and Freeport Maine
at Warp two.  It truly was a pity about Portland--it was a wonderful
city with lots and lots of interesting places.  However, ditching
Freeport was in fact worth it.
     Where the bar once was, including Rob, Taylor, and the beer, there
was now a giant pile of neo-spam.
     On top of the neo-spam sat the molten remains of the HMS Goodguy.
     On top of the Goodguy sat Linda, Radar, MArk Hyperthrust,
Natchwald, and the still brainless, still comatose form of Steve
     "What in the wide, wide world of sports happened?" asked Natch,
     "I dunno," said Linda, who truly didn't.
     "A moment ago, we were in heavan--that cop dropped my brother's
brain off.  Then there was an explosion...." said Radar.
     "No--something else happened...I guess," said Mark--who avoided
wetting his pants only by virtue of his fear of losing points off his
final grade.
     "Does it matter?" asked Linda.  "We're back--we have most of the
Captain back...what else do we need?"
     A small object landed on top of Steve's head, with a sickly
}futhump{.  The head sealed itself.
     Radar jumped forward.  "Hey, what happened?  What's going on?"
     "R-Radar?  How'd you get here...and where's that biker, I'm
     "S-Steve?" Radar asked, barely able to hope....
     CAptain Steve Vogal, all around heroic type, turned and
vomited all over Mark.
     "Yup, that's the Captain all right," Natch said.  "Now, is this
stuff really spam?"


Darned if I know
***** Entry appended 14:05 on Mon, 02/22/88 by enll6ac at bostonu   # 090 *****
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