Sfstory Log 067

=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 30 Oct 1994 21:50:00 EDT
Reply-To:     UCF SUPERGUY List (SUPERGUY at UCF1VM.BITNET)
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From:         give the anarchist a cigarette (SWEDE at DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU)
Subject:      SF: Renegade Anarchists III, episode six

                            RENEGADE ANARCHISTS III:
                              THE DRINKING OF BEER
                              (a Tale of Sfstory!)
                                   Episode 6
                                  "Halitosis"
                                      by
                                 Gary W. Olson

                                     -~-_-

     "You saw the transmission from Melu?" Sajanseel Boudoir asked into the
hyperphone.  "Now it's time you fulfilled your end of the bargain!"
     "Now, now," Satan T. Lucifer Jones answered, "she hasn't killed Pope
Joe Don I yet.  I would prefer to wait..."
     "The terms of the agreement were clear!" Boudoir yelled into the phone.
"I got your succubus into Time Central right out of Interstellar University,
and used my influence to get her into Special Operations, to give her the
training she needed.  I got her to Earth, and have completely fulfilled the
terms of our agreement."
     "Don't you yell at me, you cheesy John Saxon lookalike!" Satan yelled
back.  Flame burst from the hyperphone receiver, and Boudoir jumped back,
startled.  "You'll get what you requested...just as soon as my secretary finds
him."
     "You...you *lost* him?!?" Boudoir asked, angrily.
     "Hey, hey, he's got to be around here somewhere," Satan said.  "Just be
patient.  Sheesh, you're worse than my lawyers.  Look, I'll call you later
today, all right?"
     "Yeah, yeah, all right," Boudoir sighed, setting the receiver down.

                                     -~-_-

     "Hmmm, my ears are tingling," Pope Joe Don I mumbled.  "Somebody's
talking about me."
     He looked at the two machines before his eyes, each gleaming and
strangely alien-looking, despite the fact that he had built them himself.
The transistors from the radios and the cogs in the clocks had become the
controls of the machines, wired in by the eight and a half mile of copper
wire that his Cardinals had brought to him.  The motor oil was involved
with the machines somehow, but he had been drunk off his papal butt when
he got to that part of the book, so he wasn't sure just how.  Half the wires
led into the toasters, which he had varnished as the instructions dictated.
The paper clips had been fastened into surprisingly-sturdy magazine
racks that he had attached to the sides, into which he had deposited the
current issues of Playboy.
     Joe Don I blinked, remembering that only one issue of the magazine had
been brought to him.  He shook his head, and his double-vision collapsed into
single vision again.  Again, he shook his head, hoping to get the double
vision back, but nothing doing.
     There was a knock on his door.  Joe Don I staggered to his feet, and
squinted at the door.
     "Who is it?" he asked, suspiciously.  Sometimes, when he was drunk, the
Cardinals and Archbishops would pretend to be pizza deliverers, and would
spray him with fire retardant when he opened the door.  Quietly, he picked up
his gun and ambled over to the door.
     Again, a knock.  Joe Don I tensed, and grasped the door handle.  Violently,
he flung the door open, pointed his gun, and shouted, "Freeze, vermin!"
     "Eep!" the blonde woman in the expensive evening gown exclaimed, her
eyes going wide.  "I...I...are you Pope Joe Don I?"
     "Yeah," Joe Don I said.  "Who are you?"
     "I'm a succu--a friend," the woman said.
     "Hey, wait," Joe Don I said, as he lowered his gun.  "I recognize you.
You were on Dynasty, right?"
     "Er, no, I wasn't," she said.  "My name's Melu."
     "Funny, you look like Linda Evans," Joe Don I commented.
     "May I come in?" Melu asked.
     Joe Don I looked behind her, to see if he could see any lurking Cardinals
or Archbishops.  Seeing none, he nodded to Melu, who walked in, her pointed
tail swishing behind her.  Joe Don I shut the door and watched her walk.
     Very eloquently, Joe Don I belched.

                                     -~-_-

     Eroticon III was, not to put too fine a point on it, erotic.  Which is
not to say that it bore much resemblence to another erotic planet you might
be thinking of, namely Barbados, Planet of Physical Delights.  In fact, on
initially seeing Eroticon City, the capital of Eroticon III, many tourists
have been known to remark about how ordinary it looks.
     It would not be long before these tourists found themselves feeling
rather strange, as they mingled with the natives, and visited their
restaurants.  They would look at the natives, and a number of naughty thoughts
would go through their heads, as the skin of the natives glistened wetly in
the sunlight.  They would look at their dinner entrees, and further naughty
thoughts would occur to them, as their entrees glistened wetly.  They would
look at their ashtrays, and I can't even begin to tell you what sort of
thoughts they were thinking at that point.  And yes, the ashtray was glistening
wetly, too.  So were the ashes.
     Scientists from the galaxy over have visited Eroticon III, attempting to
determine just what it was that made almost everything visible on Eroticon
III (except for spam, of course) almost unbearably erotic in appearance.
Unfortunately, no answer has been discovered, mostly because the scientists
would leave for Barbados quite soon after arriving on Eroticon III, due to
another strange quirk about the planet: despite the erotic charge that almost
everything on the planet contained, it was more difficult to have actual
sex while on the planet than it would be to have sex in the Temple of the
Neutralized Loins on the Planet of the Exceptionally Strict Puritans.  The
reasons for this were equally mysterious, which, as you've probably already
deduced, means the author hasn't bothered to come up with a reason for it.  So
just suspend your disbelief, already.
     The result of these conflicting mysterious effects is a staggering amount
of sexual tension.  Naturally, the natives become accustomed to it, and are
able to function despite the constant distraction.  Obviously, they are also
able to occasionally overcome the latter mysterious effect, else they wouldn't
be around.  It was this peculiar quality that made Eroticon III one of the
premier places to scout out potential Space Ingenues.
     As for the tourists, last mentioned three paragraphs ago, this quality
just causes a lot of frustration.  Witness, for instance, these three, who
are at the moment walking with one of the natives along a major thoroughfare
of the city.
     "Ow," Benjen groaned.
     "Mommy," Slithis squeaked.
     "Purrrrrr," Jerriphrrt purred, his tail nearly standing straight up.
     "Boys," Kissy Hitowers sighed.
     And, since most of this scene was wasted on exposition, we cease
witnessing our tourists (who were glistening wetly), at least until next
episode.

                                     -~-_-

     "Urk," Lark said, out of the left side of his mouth.
     "Oop," he said again, moments later, out of the right side of his mouth.
His left eyebrow waggled.  His right buttock clenched.  His left arm pushed
him upwards, but, without assistance from his right arm, all he succeeded in
doing was turn himself over.
     He stared up at the ceiling for a while, and practiced breathing.
     ((Well?)) BRENDA asked, from a speaker somewhere off to his left.  ((How
is it going?))
     "It is...different," he said out of the right side of his mouth.
     "Weird," he said out of the left side of his mouth.
     "Vaguely arousing," the left side of his mouth added.
     "Stop that," the right side of his mouth replied.  "Half of his naughty
bits are on my side of the body."
     "Yeah, well, it's not like your side of the body is all that important!"
the left side accused.  "In fact, how would your side like to taste my
side's knuckles, huh?"
     Lark's left fist hit himself in the right eye.  His right hand retaliated
by grabbing his left hand and twisting it behind his back.  Both sides of his
mouth growled angrily.
     ((Sid! Johnny! Stop fooling around!)) BRENDA ordered.
     "Sorry, ma'am," the left side of Lark's mouth said, as his appendages
stopped fighting each other.  "Come on, Sid, let's stand up."  With a
considerable amount of stumbling and false starts, Lark's body finally
managed to stand up.  He pivoted and looked in the mirror, his arms rising
to touch his sideburns, both of which were firmly fastened just in front of
his ears.  The fingers stroked the sideburns, and an odd purring sound
emanated from his lips.
     ((A-hem!))
     "Oh, sorry," the right side of his mouth said.  "It's just that the
added mass takes some getting used to."
     "But we should be able to control him through the interface ports,"
the left side said.  "There's just enough of him in here to allow our control
to be smooth, fortunately."
     "Say, Johnny," the right side said.  "Do you think we should tell the
readers at home that we, Lark's sideburns, have taken over his currently
soul-less body, or is that obvious by now?"
     "Shaddup and turn, Sid," the left side said.  "We gotta dame to catch."
     "Are you going to be okay, BRENDA?" Johnny asked.
     ((I'll be fine,)) BRENDA responded.  ((Bring her back here quickly.))
     "Will do!" Sid and Johnny exclaimed.  Lark's right arm saluted the
computer console smartly, and Lark walked over to the exit ramp.  BRENDA
sighed as Lark toppled and rolled down the exit ramp.

                                     -~-_-

     Sajanseel Boudoir nearly jumped out of his chair when the hyperphone
finally rang.  He picked it up and yelled "Boudoir!"
     "Same to you," Satan T. Lucifer Jones answered.
     "Oh, hello," Boudoir said, forcing himself to be calm.  "Have you found
him yet?"
     "Yes, we have," Satan said.  "Are you ready to receive him?"
     "I am," Boudoir told him, as he pressed a button.  "Time Central's
teleportation detection system is temporarily offline.  You've got six point
six six seconds."
     "Transporting," Satan told him.
     A six-and-two-thirds feet by six-and-two-thirds feet square of carpet in
Boudoir's office suddenly erupted in a geyser of flame.  Just as suddenly,
the flame disappeared, leaving a naked man behind.
     The man was thinner than Boudoir remembered, and there was a look in his
eyes that suggested that not all of his marbles were present.  This initial
impression was confirmed when he opened his mouth and asked, in a little
boy voice...
     "Mommy?"
     Boudoir dropped the cigar he had been about to light, and grabbed the
hyperphone he had set down.
     "What's the meaning of this?!" Boudoir demanded.  "What have you done to
him?"
     "Oh, nothing major," Satan replied, coyly.  "Just a few lobotomies, sans
anesthetic."
     "You lobotomized the greatest Chief that Time Central has ever had?!?!?"
Boudoir asked, aghast.  "But...but..."
     "Hey, you never said what condition you wanted him in, outside of
functional," Satan told him.  "And my lawyers assure me that I've got a very
strong case if you decide to sue.  Nice doing business with you."
     Boudoir slammed the hyperphone down, and looked at the naked man, who
was gnawing on a hanging plant in the corner of his office.  The man turned
and looked at him.
     "Yummy," he said.
     "Of course it is, Logan," Boudoir said, smiling grimly.  "Of course it
is."

IS THE PLANT NUTRITIOUS?
DOES IT CAUSE SEXUAL TENSION?
DOES IT FIGHT WITH ITSELF?
DOES IT WAKE UP OUT OF SCHLITZ-INDUCED STUPORS TO FIND SUCCUBI AT ITS DOOR?
DOES IT LET ITS SCENES GET SHORTENED BY VOLUMINOUS EXPOSITION?

If not, its better off than the characters in this story.  To see if they
improve their lot, watch for another episode of...SFSTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(only on SUPERGUY, the newsgroup that cares.)
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Nov 1994 22:32:00 EST
Reply-To:     UCF SUPERGUY List (SUPERGUY at UCF1VM.BITNET)
Sender:       UCF SUPERGUY List (SUPERGUY at UCF1VM.BITNET)
From:         there goes a tenner (SWEDE at DRYCAS.BITNET)
Subject:      SF: Renegade Anarchists III, episode seven

                            RENEGADE ANARCHISTS III:
                              THE ROLLING OF DICE
                              (a Tale of Sfstory!)
                                   Episode 7
                                 "Pantaloons"
                                      by
                                 Gary W. Olson

                                     -~-_-

     "So..." Melu said, as she regarded Pope Joe Don I from his tattered
couch.  "What do you think?"
     "Of beer?" Joe Don I asked.
     "Of me," Melu clarified.  She fluttered her long lashes seductively.
     Joe Don I pondered the question.
     He drank a Schlitz, and continued the pondering.
     He scratched himself, and tried to remember what the question was.
     "I like the horns," he said, at last.
     "Is that all?" Melu asked, shifting sexily as she unzipped the
front of her Special Operations uniform.
     "Um..." Joe Don I said.
     He drank another Schlitz, and belched.
     "Nice legs," he commented.
     Melu stood, and sauntered casually over to where Joe Don I was
standing (or, more accurately, swaying).  As she approached, she slowed,
and sniffed the air with disdain.
     "Ew," she commented.  "Did something die in here?"
     "Oh, sorry 'bout that," Joe Don I said.  "I usually shower at least
once a week, but I sort of forgot this week, because I had this project I
was working on, and..."
     "Project?" Melu asked, taking the opportunity to move a bit farther
away.  "What sort of...ah...project?"
     "This," Joe Don I said, indicating the strange, varnished metallic
contraption which also had a handy magazine rack.
     "It looks like..." Melu said, hesitantly.  "But it can't be...an
Automatic Beet-Peeler & Sub-Atomic Re-Integrator!"
     "A what?" Joe Don I asked, confused.
     "An ABPSARI!"
     "Oh, yeah, that," Joe Don I said.  "See, this book materialized on my
nightstand a few days ago, and then the Big Guy appeared to me and ordered
me to follow the directions."
     "_How to Build an ABPSARI With Materials You Find Around the House,_
by Dr. Bing Von Spleen, the Earth's Foremost Spamologist," Melu said, sounding
puzzled.  "You mean he stopped injecting mind-altering substances long enough
to write a book?"
     She turned and regarded the metallic contraption again.  "What sort of
metal did you use to construct the body of the machine?"
     "Empty Schlitz cans," Joe Don I said.  "Course, they were full when I
started.  Had to drink 'em to get the scrap metal I needed."
     "But the shielding!" Melu protested.  "How do you keep the inter-
nucleic radiation from destroying the sensitive controls?"
     Joe Don I thought about that one for a while, as well.
     "The cans are specially lined," he offered, finally.
     She started to move closer to him, but stopped again, and covered her
mouth.  Quickly, she retreated.
     "Now, darlin, where were we?" Joe Don I asked, more out of trying to
remember than out of any attempt to be romantic.
     "Well, I was going to consume your soul, using my erotic skills," Melu
explained.  "But I can't seem to get within five feet of you without becoming
ill, so I think I'll just kill you with this ray pistol."
     "Oh," Joe Don I said.  "Want a beer first?"

                                     -~-_-

     "I know a weiner man, he owns a hotdog stand..." Zen Navigator and
Quooth sang, making for a singing combo that could only be described as
'atonal.'  The third occupant of the psychadaelic VW minibus, Governor Schlub
(or at least whatever was possessing his body) did not join in the song, being
as he lacked a mouth, or a tongue, or a throat, or a head, for that matter.
Still, he did tap his foot as they sang, which was strange as there was no
discernable beat.
     "I must say," Quooth said, as the song ended.  "I cannot recall a time
in my long quest in which I have had such enjoyment, except for the times in
which I was hallucinating."
     "Indeed, this trip has been a pleasure!" Zen replied.  "Say, forgive me if
I am prying into personal matters, but I noticed that you have a well-cared for
harmonica around your neck!"
     Schlub began pointing at the front windshield, which was displaying the
area of space that the minibus was flying towards.  Zen handed him a bag of
chips.
     "It's my Holy Harmonica," Quooth told him, solemly.  "It will reveal that
which I seek, when I have at last encountered it."
     "Hmm, that's handy!" Zen commented.
     Schlub started pointing vigorously now, and Zen handed him a carton of
apple juice.  Schlub kept pointing, and Zen and Quooth finally looked in the
direction being indicated.
     "Say," Zen said.  "That looks like..."
     "It could be..." Quooth continued.
     "A wormhole!!" they exclaimed together.
     It opened up before them, like a big blue glowing thing with a hole in the
center.  Zen's minibus hurtled towards it, and was swallowed up before Zen
could even think about turning around.
     "Say, how did you see that, anyway?" Zen asked Schlub.  Schlub shrugged.

                                     -~-_-

     "Hello?" Kissy Hitowers asked, as she peered into the living room of her
house, which was glistening wetly.
     "Doesn't look like anyone's home," Slithis said.  "And look at all this
dust."
     "Weird," Benjen commented.  "Even the dust is glistening wetly."
     "Get used to it," Kissy said, curtly.
     "I can't take this sexual tension any longer," Jerriphrrt groaned.
     "Then take one of these," Kissy said, handing him a small vial filled with
green caplets.  Jerriphrrt took one and swallowed it.  He blinked, and let out
a sigh of relief.
     "I feel it...easing," he said.  "What's in these things, anyway?"
     "They were developed by Eroticon scientists," Kissy explained.  "They're
the pharmaceutical equivalent of a cold shower."
     "They're glistening wetly," Slithis noted, as he took one.  Benjen took
one, and all breathed a sigh of relief.
     "Now, if we can continue..." Kissy said, turning away from them.  Benjen
took a look at her in her tight nylon jumpsuit, and took another cold shower
pill for insurance.
     They proceeded through the rooms of the well-furnished but dusty house,
with Kissy's frown growing deeper with each room inspected.
     "Where is he?!?" she finally exclaimed.
     "Where is who?" Jerriphrrt inquired.
     "My guardian, G.X.P. Varneyloop," Kissy told them.  "After my father
disappeared, he was appointed to administer my family's wealth until I
reached adulthood.  I kept him on after that to manage the house and my
affairs while I was away studying to be a Space Ingenue at Interstellar
University.  I talked to him every week while I was away, including last
week!"
     "Where's the room he receives transmissions in?" Jerriphrrt asked.
     "That'd be the garage, wouldn't it?" Benjen asked.  Jerriphrrt
swatted Benjen.
     "No, he always talked to me from the den," Kissy said, as they
plunged through another set of rooms, each more bizarrely decorated than
the prior.  "Right in...here."
     She opened the door, and gasped at what she saw.
     "A robot!" Slithis exclaimed.
     Indeed, it was a robot, or part of one.  A finely-dressed torso was
attached to a machine that was linked into a massive computer.  From the
positioning of the video monitors in front of the torso, it was clear that
anyone viewing it via the monitors would be led to believe that the torso
was an actual person, i.e, G.X.P. Varneyloop.
     "All those times I thought I was talking to him," Kissy said.  "I was
talking to a drone..."
     "Looks like the whole set is powered down," Jerriphrrt noticed.  "But
didn't you say you talked to him just last week?"
     "I did, just before I started my project on Barugon B," Kissy answered.
"He seemed very slow and melancholy - said he was depressed by his unrequited
love for Connifer Green."
     "Well, here's the answer," Slithis told them, as he lifted a panel from
the console in front of the torso.  "The whole thing was being run by Supervolt
batteries."
     "How...odd..." Kissy said.

                                     -~-_-

     "Just great," Kalvin Certain whispered, as he peered out of the hairline
opening in the closet door.  "We were about to make the delivery, when they
had to barge in."
     Megabot hummed.
     "Yeah, I recognize them," Kalvin said.  "It's three of those Renegade
Anarchists.  Jerriphrrt, Slithis and Benjen, it looks like.  Don't recognize
the woman, but from the sound of it, she lives here."
     Megabot hummed some more.
     "We still have to make the delivery," Kalvin said.  "Without them knowing."
He paused, and smiled.  "And I know just how..."
     Megabot hummed, sounding impressed, for once.

                                     -~-_-

     "No, I'll not drink any of your cheap, watery beer," Melu told Joe Don I,
as she released the safety from her ray pistol.  "I mean, I'm from Hell (tm)
and all, but even there we have *some* standards!"
     "So...what're you saying?" Joe Don I asked.
     "I'm saying...goodbye, Pope Joe Don I," Melu said.  She aimed the pistol
at him and began pressing the trigger down on the contact.  Just then, the door
opened, and knocked Joe Don I out of the way.
     "Stand where you are!" Lark Purree exclaimed out of the left side of his
mouth.  He hopped in on one foot, aiming a ray pistol at Melu.
     "Why, Lark," Melu said, looking panicked.  "How...how can you be following
me?  I haven't released your soul back into your body!"
     "I don't need a soul," Lark said.  "And despite being half knocked out,
I'm still going to take you in.  I don't believe you're really a part of Special
Operations -- that's just a cover, isn't it?"
     "No, I really am a Special Operations agent," Melu said.  "I had my
succubus training in Hell, but for training in espionage and assassination, it's
hard to beat Time Central."
     Joe Don I staggered to his feet, knocking Lark's pistol out of his hands.
     "Hey," Lark said, wobbling off balance.  He fell into Melu, who fired
wildly into the air.  A piece of the ceiling fell, beaning Joe Don I on the
noggin.  Joe Don I staggered back, running into the ABPSARI.  By a staggering
plot contrivance, he managed to hit the 'on' switch, and, by an even more
staggering plot contrivance, the thing actually started humming and beeping,
like strange machines that exemplify great pseudoscientific principles should.
He ignored this, instead watching Melu and Lark struggle.
     After a few seconds, he looked around for a Schlitz.  A half-empty can
was within arms reach, and he took a sip.
     "Hrrr," he groaned.  "There's a cigarette butt in this one."  Scowling,
he poured the contents of the can into the funnel that led into the ABPSARI.
Immediately, it leapt beyond beeping and pinging and started making loud
klaxxon sounds.
     "What have you done, you fool?!?" Melu asked, suddenly alarmed.  "If that
thing actually works, the *only* thing you should put in there is spam!
Anything else will have dangerous, unpredictable results!"
     "Yeah, right," Joe Don I said.
     One second later, the Vatican exploded, dangerously and unpredictably.

WAS IT REALLY ALL THAT UNPREDICTABLE?
SO IS THIS PARTICULAR SUB-PLOT WRAPPED UP?
HOW DID SCHLUB SEE THAT WORMHOLE, ANYWAY?
WHERE DOES THE WORMHOLE LEAD?
WHERE IS *THAT* SUB-PLOT LEADING?
IS THERE ANY MAIN PLOT, OR JUST A LOT OF SUB-PLOTS?
WILL SABRE OR CHAOS RESTART THEIR SFSTORY SERIES' AGAIN?
WHAT ABOUT NATHAN IRWIN?
WHAT ABOUT SCARECROW'S BRAIN?
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE?

All this and whatever else I come up with...in an upcoming edition of...
S          F          S          T          O          R          Y         !
(a wholly owned subsidiary of SUPERGUY!)
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 13 Nov 1994 23:38:00 EST
Reply-To:     UCF SUPERGUY List (SUPERGUY at UCF1VM.BITNET)
Sender:       UCF SUPERGUY List (SUPERGUY at UCF1VM.BITNET)
From:         there goes a tenner (SWEDE at DRYCAS.BITNET)
Subject:      SF: Renegade Anarchists III, episode eight

                            RENEGADE ANARCHISTS III:
                              THE SINGING OF CATS
                              (a Tale of Sfstory!)
                                   Episode 8
                                  "Kumquats"
                                      by
                                 Gary W. Olson

                                     -~-_-

     The walls of the wormhole flashed by, projecting neon blue light into
the interior of the psychadaelic VW minibus.  Zen Navigator, Quooth, and
the headless Governor Schlub watched the light show, with Zen and Quooth
consuming popcorn, and Schlub holding the bag.
     "Now this is what I go through wormholes for," Zen commented.  "I
mean, look at the elegant contours of the vortex of death that surrounds
us.  It's art at its finest."
     "Truly, this wormhole is a pleasure to experience," Quooth said.  "Though
I'm not sure if I've been through any others.  What do you think, friend
headless one?"
     Schlub considered, then gave the thumbs up sign.
     "If I'm not mistaken, this wormhole was rather recently constructed,"
Zen commented.  "Notice the sharp, fresh contouring of the ectoplasmic
energy matrix, the unfinished texture of the random destructive energy
bursts.  Clearly, this is a work in progress."
     "It is?" Quooth asked.  "Very interesting.  But, then, what creates
wormholes, anyway?"
     "Oh, giant space worms, usually," Zen said.
     Schlub started pointing, insistantly.
     "You mean, like that one?" Quooth asked.
     "Yes, like that one..." Zen started.  He blinked, and lowered his
shades.
     Giant space worms, much like giant space weasels, are far larger than
your ordinary worm, or your ordinary weasel, for that matter.  The particular
one that Zen's minibus was rushing towards at ridiculously huge speeds was
approximately two miles in diameter, a violent shade of chartreuse, and was
currently doing some lovely detail work on the walls of the wormhole with
its mile-wide mouth.
     It sensed a morsel hurtling towards it, and turned its mouth to intercept
it.
     "Hmmm," Zen commented.  "I knew I should have sprung for the worm
ingestion insurance."
     The minibus flew into the worm's mouth.  The worm did not belch, as that's
not something that worms, even giant space versions of worms, do.  It did,
however, murmur with vague satisfaction.

                                     -~-_-

     Jerriphrrt, Slithis, Benjen, and Kissy Hitowers looked up as the doorbell
rang.
     "That sounded like the doorbell," Jerriphrrt commented.
     "Duh," Kissy snapped at him.
     "But didn't we leave the front door behind a few miles ago?" Slithis
asked.  "That's one loud doorbell."
     "We circled around the house," Kissy told him, impatiently.  "The
living room is one room over."  She opened the door and walked into the living
room, towards the front door.  Slithis, Jerriphrrt, and Benjen looked at each
other, shrugged, and followed her.
     The doorbell rang again.
     "All right, already!" Kissy yelled, as she flung open the door.  "Who
the hell do you think you...oh."
     Megabot, very poorly disguised in a thin robe and a mop that was attached
to the top of his head to simulate hair, hovered menacingly.
     "Can we help you?" Jerriphrrt asked.
     Megabot swiveled its head so it could regard the cat-morph with its single
crimson eye.  A compartment opened in its chest, tearing through the cheap robe,
and a small metallic hand extended a piece of paper forward.  Kissy took the
piece of paper and read it.
     "Would you care to accept a copy of the Watchtower?" she said.  She looked
up at him.  Megabot looked down at her.  "NO!" she told him, shrilly, just
before she slammed the door in his face.
     "Um, I don't think that was a good idea," Benjen said.
     "I don't have time for door-to-door pests," Kissy said.  "Now, let's go
back to the other room and figure out why the person I thought was G.X.P.
Varneyloop has turned out to be a robot..."
     The rest of her sentence, if any, was completely obliterated, along with
the front door.  They turned to see Megabot hovering in the doorway, its robe
mostly obliterated by the plasma cannons it had fired to destroy the door.
     Kissy, reacting instinctively, screamed.  Jerriphrrt, Slithis, and
Benjen, reacting instinctively, covered their ears and grimaced.  Megabot,
reacting instinctively, began firing its plasma cannon again, causing Benjen
to uncover his ears, pick up Kissy by the waist, and dash quickly towards the
room that they had just exited, followed by Jerriphrrt and Slithis, who were
still clutching their ears.
     Benjen saw the man who was standing next to the robot first, and dropped
Kissy to the floor.  She landed with a thud, and stopped screaming long enough
to kick Benjen in the shin.
     "Ow!" Benjen exclaimed.  "Hey, you're Kalvin Certain!"
     "That's right, kid," Kalvin said.  "Kalvin Certain the Supremely Stealthy
and Suave Master Smuggler, at my service."  Jerriphrrt, who had removed his
hands from his ears in time to hear this, noticed that Kalvin had removed
the Supervolt batteries from the G.X.P. Varneyloop robotic torso, and that
an open package of Duraspam batteries was on the console top in front of it.
     "Mister Varneyloop asked us to make a delivery," Kalvin explained.  "We
weren't expecting to encounter anyone here."
     Megabot blew through the wall, and hovered smugly.
     "Allow me to introduce Megabot the Mind-Bogglingly Vicious Killer Robot
of Nine Trillion Exploding Stars," Kalvin said.  "Otherwise known as That
Big Metallic Idiot."
     Megabot regarded Kalvin with an injured hum.
     "I told you to distract them, not shoot them full of holes!" Kalvin
growled at him.  "How do you expect me to be supremely stealthy if you
blow stuff up loudly?"
     A metallic hand extended from Megabot's chest.  The metallic digits were
curled, save for the middle one, which was extended.
     "Right, well, we've made the delivery, like Varney wanted," Kalvin said.
"Now we just gotta turn this thing on, kill these creeps, and leave."
     He slapped the battery panel on the torso shut, and flipped the console
back on.  The Varneyloop torso came to life, and started talking.
     "--s, Mr. Varneyloop, I am set to engage the matterswing matrix so that
you may acquire...acquire...hello?"
     Varneyloop turned to regard Kalvin, Megabot, Jerriphrrt, Slithis, Benjen,
and Kissy.
     "Oh, dear," it said.  "Intruders.  This is not good."
     "I'm not an intruder, you pile of corroded circuits," Kissy told him,
angrily.  "Now you had better explain what's going on, and why you've been
impersonating my guardian, G.X.P. Varneyloop, and where the real G.X.P.
Varneyloop has been in the meantime, and why he hired these two morons to
replace your batteries..."
     "Hey!" Kalvin protested.  "I'm not a moron!  I'm suave!"
     "I'm not allowed to answer those questions," Varneyloop told them.  "In
fact, the entire situation forces me to matterswing you to your doom.  Terribly
sorry."
     "No you're not," Jerriphrrt accused.
     "Okay, I'm not," Varneyloop said.  "Bye, kids."
     Kissy Hitowers began to scream again, this time with good reason, as
a green glow descended upon Megabot.  There was a flash of light, and seconds
later, Megabot was gone, replaced by his weight in empty Budweiser cans.
Jerriphrrt, Slithis, Benjen, and Kalvin disappeared in the same manner moments
later, as did Kissy.
     The Varneyloop torso sighed with mechanical relief, and turned back to
the main console, flexing its fingers.

                                     -~-_-

     "No, don't eat that power cell, Logan," Sajanseel Boudoir said, taking
the power cell in question away from Logan, who, indicentally, bore a striking
resemblence to Dennis Hopper.  Logan looked at Boudoir blankly, and began to
drool.
     "Look, I've got to go arrange a meeting with the others who feel as I...
as we do," Boudoir said, "that you were the best leader we've ever had, and
that you're the one we want as our Chief again.  You just stay here, and don't
eat anything, okay?"
     Logan stared at Boudour uncomprehendingly, and made another try for the
power cell.  Boudoir scowled.
     "I *suppose* I'll have to get someone in here to babysit you while I'm
away, right?" he asked.  "Great.  Just great.  I can't spare any of my trusted
operatives at the moment, and I certainly can't ask any other Time Central
employee to do the job.  Why, they'd have to be incredibly stupid...I mean
*incredibly* stupid, so stupid that a lobotomy might actually increase his
intell...li...hmmmm."
     He pressed a button on his desk intercom.
     "Lt. Flyby, this is Sajanseel Boudoir.  Please report to my office
immediately."
     "Yes sir!" came the violent response.  There was a crunching sound as
the intercom on the other end got destroyed, presumably by a grenade.

                                     -~-_-

     The minibus skidded to a stop, which was a difficult task, considering
the fact that it was trying to grip its wheels to some rather slimy giant
space worm innards.  The occupants of the minibus were still for several
moments, as they considered their current predicament.
     "I hate it when this happens," Zen said, finally.
     "If I might ask," Quooth said, "has this happened to you before?"
     "Yes," Zen said.
     "And how did you escape then?" Quooth asked.
     "I didn't," Zen said.  "I died.  That's why I dislike it."
     "Ah," Quooth commented.
     Schlub tried to slap his forehead, but, lacking such an item, he
missed, and sprained his wrist.  Neither Zen nor Quooth noticed.
     They *did* notice when a sizeable explosive sound occured behind
them, near the rear of the minibus.  Thick smoke filled the minibus, and
Zen rolled down his window, letting the atmosphere inside the minibus
escape in an instant.  He rolled the window back up, and waited for the
Oxy-Moran to replace the air, which it did.
     "That was a startling experience," Quooth commented.  "What happened?"
     Schlub pointed to the figure who had materialized within the minibus,
accompanied by an odd, tacky-looking machine.
     "Hi," Pope Joe Don I said.  "Got any beer?"

WILL ZEN BE ABLE TO SATISFY POPE JOE DON I'S REQUEST?
HOW DID JOE DON I GET OUT ALL THAT WAY FROM EARTH, ANYWAY?
WHY DIDN'T MELU OR LARK APPEAR WITH HIM?
WILL ZARK FLYBY MAKE A GOOD SITTER?
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

Like you're ever going to find out.  Read SFSTORY, only on SUPERGUY.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 20 Nov 1994 23:07:00 EST
Reply-To:     UCF SUPERGUY List (SUPERGUY at UCF1VM.BITNET)
Sender:       UCF SUPERGUY List (SUPERGUY at UCF1VM.BITNET)
From:         there goes a tenner (SWEDE at DRYCAS.BITNET)
Subject:      SF: Renegade Anarchists III, episode nine

                            RENEGADE ANARCHISTS III:
                            THE UNCLOGGING OF DRAINS
                              (a Tale of Sfstory!)
                                   Episode 9
                                   "Lettuce"
                                      by
                                 Gary W. Olson

                                     -~-_-

     "Oog," Slithis groaned.  "Will someone tell the elephant to stop dancing
on my head?"
     "Hey, elephant, stop dancing on his head," a voice ordered.
     "I'm not dancing," the elephant claimed.  "I'm marching."
     "Whatever," Slithis said.  "Just stop it, okay?"
     "Sure thing," the elephant said, as it lumbered off of Slithis's head.
Slithis lifted his reptilian head up, to note that the elephant in question
was a small one, approximately two feet wide, clad in lily green boxer shorts
and a bright red chapeau.
     "He sure looks different than the other two," the voice commented.
Slithis looked around, but couldn't see the source of the other voice.  For
that matter, he couldn't see much of anything, aside from the miniature
elephant and the ground, which looked papered over.  There were no walls to
speak of, and the floor extended beyond Slithis's visual range.
     "Whoah," Slithis commented.
     "I'm Beauregard," the elephant told him.  "The disembodied voice is
Lewis."
     "I'm not with him," Lewis claimed.
     "Then why do you keep hanging around, then?" Beauregard asked.
     "Because that's my body you've got!" Lewis exclaimed, rather whiningly.
     "Hey, I won it fair and square," Beauregard told him.  "You never should've
called my bluff."
     "Ow," Slithis commented, as he sat up.  "How did I get here?  What planet
is this?"
     "As for the latter question, I don't know, and neither does Lewis,"
Beauregard said.  "We got randomly transported here a few months ago.  We was
on Barbados, and I was escorting Lewis here out of the Disembodied Voice
Pleasure Dome."
     "You didn't have to escort me," Lewis said, petulantly.  "I was doing
quite fine on my own."
     "You sounded like Mickey Mouse after inhaling helium," Beauregard said.
"Anyway, like I was saying, I was escorting this lout, and we went into this
elevator, and voom!  Next thing I know, we're here."
     "Was there any green glow?" Slithis asked, suddenly forgetting his
headache.
     "Hmmm...don't remember none," Beauregard said, thoughtfully.  "You, Lewis?"
     "Oh, I suppose *now* you want me to talk, hmmm?" Lewis asked.
     "Yes!" Beauregard and Slithis exclaimed.
     "Nope," Lewis said.  "Don't remember any green glow."
     "Neither do I," Slithis said.  "But I think you may have been brought
here by the same transporter that I was.  Some friends of mine were also on
Barbados, and they were teleported away too."  He paused, thinking.  "Say, you
said I didn't look like the 'other two.'  Which other two?"
     "Well, there was another one who appeared around the same time as you
did," Lewis told him.  "And five minutes later, there was this explosion,
and another guy appeared.  They went off searching for a way out of here.  I
tried telling them there was no way out of here, but they didn't listen..."
     "Here they come now!" Beauregard said, pointing with one of his feet.
Slithis saw them as they approached, and wondered how they had gotten so
close without him having spotted them earlier.
     "Slithis!" one of them exclaimed.  He was limping, and his hand was
slapping the sideburn on the other side of his face.
     "Lark?" Slithis asked.  "Is that you?"  He recognized Megabot, hovering
next to Lark, looking as confused as a heavily armed red robot could possibly
look.
     "Sort of," Lark said.  "How did you get here?"

                                     -~-_-

     "You know why I've asked you here," Sajanseel Boudoir said, as he let
a ring of smoke escape from his nostrils.
     Lt. Zark Flyby stared at him, blankly and violently.
     "Um," he said.
     He thought about it some more.
     "Yes," Zark said, finally.
     "What is that reason?" Sajanseel asked.
     That stumped Zark.
     "Kill?" Zark asked, guessing wildly.
     "No kill," Sajanseel told him.  He pointed at Logan, who was now dressed
in an ill-fitting Time Agent's uniform and was gnawing at the cufflinks.  "You
are going to babysit him, and make sure he doesn't leave this room.  And don't
kill him, either.  He has to stay alive."
     "I don't let him leave the room alive," Zark said.  "Got it!"
     "No, no, no," Sajanseel sighed.  "Keep him here, keep him alive.  No
kill."
     Zark sighed.
     "Who is he?" he asked.  "He looks like Dennis Hopper."
     "And a can of spam in the pan-try," Logan told Zark, in response.
     "Odd, he reminds me of Chief Logan, also," Zark mused, violently.
     "Zark!" Sajanseel barked.
     "Sir!" Zark exclaimed, saluting.  He hit himself in the head in the
process, thus scrambling whatever cogent thought had been threatening to
form within.
     "I'll be back in one hour," Sajanseel said.  He turned and walked out
the door.  Zark watched him leave, and turned to look at Logan.  Logan waved.
Zark waved back.

                                     -~-_-

     Susan B. Anthony looked sternly at the group she had assembled in docking
bay 666, waiting until she had complete silence before she proceeded.
     "As you know, earlier today, the Vatican on Earth blew up," she said, in
a lecturing tone.  "We had had Melu Ulem, our top succubic assassin, sent
to Earth from Time Central to do the job.  However, the soul of Pope Joe Don
I has not shown up, either in Hell, or in Heaven, or in any registered
afterlife in this universe.  Which means that somehow, he managed to escape."
     "Could I ask you something?" Milagro Bekn'kse asked.
     "What is it?" Susan asked.
     "Weren't you Satan's executive secretary?" Milagro asked.  Susan shot him
a poisonous glare.
     "He got tired of me carting in load after load of paperwork for him to
sign," Susan told him.  "Eventually he had me 'promoted' to the position of
'Executive in Charge of Plans to Dominate Sfstory' and kicked me out.  Last I
knew, he's been trying out a string of tarts for the job of secretary, and he's
too busy chasing after his son to run his affairs here, on the Sfstory side
of Hell.  Therefore, it's up to us to find Joe Don I, and finish the job that
Melu started."
     "Now just a goddamn minute!" J. Edgar Hoover shouted.  "I'm more than
willing to go after that commie pinko subversive Pope, but there ain't no way
I'm going to take any orders from a woman!"
     Susan pressed a button on the bracelet on her wrist, and flames shot out
of Hoover's trousers, causing a great deal of loud yelping on his part.  Behind
him, Edgar Allen Poe cringed.
     "Well, maybe this once," Hoover squeaked.
     "I'm ready," Bennett Quark said.  "I've been cooped up in Hell too long!
It's about time we saw some action!"
     "Oh, shut up," Hourus Jebillip said, thwacking the brilliant but
dangerously unstable scientist, who had once been on Hell, Inc's Board of
Directors, back when it had a board of directors.  "How are we going to find
out where Joe Don I is?  If he was teleported away, he could be anywhere in
the galaxy by now!"
     "We don't know where Joe Don I is yet," Susan said.  "But we've got a
way to find out.  Captain Poe, is your ship ready to leave dock?"
     "Ulp!" Poe ulped.  "Um, yes, ma'am, um, sir, um..."
     Susan pressed a button.  Flames shot out of Poe's trousers, as did a
smouldering raven.
     "Caw!" the raven exclaimed, between hacking coughs.  "Bloody 'ell, lady,
you could have warned me!"
     "You keep a raven in your trousers?" Milagro asked Poe.
     "Um, nevermore," Poe answered, smiling weakly.

                                     -~-_-

     "Nhrrrrr..." Jerriphrrt groaned.  "Gham...where are you...Gham..."
     He presently came to realize that he was lying face down on a stone floor,
his nose sort of smushed up against the surface.  He lifted himself up into
a seated position, and looked around.
     The stone room was eight feet wide by eight feet wide, and featured a
single bed, with just a thin white sheet.  Not that it felt like he would
need much cover.  Indeed, it was rather hot, at the moment.  Jerriphrrt looked
down, and was startled to discover that his jumpsuit had been replaced by a
thin loincloth.
     "Oh, joy," Jerriphrrt sighed.  "I finally get a clue as to just what
the heck is going on, and I get transported into some sort of clothing-
optional prison."
     "PRISONER!"
     Jerriphrrt jumped at the sound of the loud voice, which seemed to be
coming from all around him.
     "Um, yes?"  he asked.
     "YOU HAVE BEEN FOUND GUILTY OF DEFILING THE TOMB OF THE GREAT FERTILIZER
GOD KA!  WHEN THE SUN RISES, YOU WILL BE TAKEN TO THE DITCH OF REALLY BAD
KARMA, AND WILL BE FLUNG IN!"
     "Could you not talk so loud?" Jerriphrrt asked.  "My head hurts."
     "AM I REALLY TALKING LOUD?" the voice asked.
     "It sounds like you're shouting," Jerriphrrt said.
     "HOW'S THIS?"
     "The same."
     "WELL, NEVER MIND THAT!" the voice exclaimed, cheerfully.  "I'LL WAKE
YOU UP IN THE MORNING.  ENJOY THE LAST NIGHT OF DREAMS YOU'LL EVER HAVE!"
     A humming sound left Jerriphrrt's ears, and he realized that the sound
effect had to have been created by a series of speakers that lined the cell,
which meant that the planet he was on wasn't quite as low-tech as it appeared.
     "Enjoy my dreams," Jerriphrrt muttered.  "Ha."
     Just then, there was an exploding sound, and a succubus landed on his
lap.
     "Yikes!" exclaimed the succubus, as she hung on to Jerriphrrt's neck to
keep from falling over.
     "Yow!" exclaimed Jerriphrrt, for several reasons, among them being the
fact that the succubus was very sexy (as succubi are wont to be), the fact that
her uniform was in tatters (which enhance the first fact rather pointedly), and
the fact that she was sitting in his lap.
     "Where...where am I?" she asked, breathily.
     "You're in a cell of some kind," Jerriphrrt said.  He spotted a name tag,
and looked at it.  "Miss...Ulem?"
     "What?" she asked.  "I don't know what you're...Jerriphrrt?"
     "You know me?" Jerriphrrt asked, shocked.  "But I don't know you!"  He
blinked.  "Of course, we could have met on Barbados.  There are whole months
I spent there that I still can't remember..."
     The succubus stood up rather sharply.  Jerriphrrt looked up and whistled,
then looked down, and quickly pushed his loincloth back down.
     "What are you looking at me like that for, Jerriphrrt?" she asked.  "It's
me, Lark!"
     Jerriphrrt blinked.  "Lark?  Are you nuts?"
     "Look, it's a long story," she said.  "I was assigned to escort this
succubus to Earth, only she swallowed my soul and then tried to attack the
Pope.  There was this explosion, and I woke up here, in control of my own
body again."
     "Um, Lark," Jerriphrrt said.  "Look down."
     The succubus looked down, and peered at her cleavage.
     "YAAAAA!" was her response, before passing out.
     Jerriphrrt sighed, and decided to pass out too, to save time.

WILL PASSING OUT SAVE TIME?
TIME FOR WHAT?
WHAT SORT OF PLACE ARE SLITHIS, MEGABOT, LARK'S TRUE BODY, AND BEAUREGARD AND
     LEWIS BEING KEPT IN?
WHAT HAPPENED TO BENJEN, KISSY, AND KALVIN?
WHAT ABOUT BRENDA?  OR JOE DON I?  OR THE OLD TIME RAG, FOR THAT MATTER?
WHY DO THINGS SEEM TO BE FRAGMENTING EVEN MORE THAN BEFORE?
WHO WROTE THE BOOK OF LOVE?

SFSTORY lives, and you are there!
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 26 Nov 1994 20:28:00 EST
Reply-To:     UCF SUPERGUY List (SUPERGUY at UCF1VM.BITNET)
Sender:       UCF SUPERGUY List (SUPERGUY at UCF1VM.BITNET)
From:         there goes a tenner (SWEDE at DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU)
Subject:      SF: Renegade Anarchists, episode ten

                            RENEGADE ANARCHISTS III:
                            THE ROMANCING OF STONES
                              (a Tale of Sfstory!)
                                  Episode 10
                                    "Bacon"
                                      by
                                 Gary W. Olson

                                     -~-_-

     Kalvin Certain blinked.  At least, it felt to him like he was blinking.
It was difficult to tell, since all he could see was darkness.  He tried
moving his arms, and found them pinned to his sides.  Something soft was
pressed against his face, and his boots were pressing against something
vaguely metallic.
     From the echoes of his breathing, Kalvin decided that he was in a
small enclosure, possibly a cabinet, or a closet.  With a determined effort,
he shifted his shoulders so that his arms could move a little, and his
fingers searched the metal in front of him for an opening, finally locating
a seam.  He pushed hard, and heard a creaking sound.
     "Ow," he said, upon realizing that he was the one doing the creaking.
His muscles felt sore, and as he relaxed, he fought to remember how he had
gotten into this position in the first place.  Only a few days ago, he had
been wandering through the mobius-strip-like liquor aisle of the Planet
of Supermarkets, haggard and a far cry from his peak as an intergalactic
arch-criminal and fop.  Then, G.X.P. Varneyloop recruited him and Megabot to
take a pack of batteries to Kissy Hitowers' residence on Eroticon III, to
put them into his robot half-duplicate.  He managed to complete that, despite
interference from Kissy and some of the Renegade Anarchists.  And then...
and then...
     He was here, trapped.
     Someone was making sounds, outside.  Kalvin hesitated, wondering if it
would be all that good of an idea to gain the attention of that someone.  The
air was getting stale, and Kalvin realized that if he didn't exit soon, he
might suffocate.  Plus, he had had five cups of coffee that morning.
     Kalvin pounded on the door.  The someone outside heard the sounds, and
Kalvin winced as light flooded into the small space.
     "Ah, there you are!" the short, balding man said.  "Dressing room too
roomy for you, then?"
     "Huh?" Kalvin asked, which was about all that he could ask in response.
     The man looked Kalvin up and down.  "You're not what we ordered, really.
Damn those temp agencies!  Still, I see you're already partially in costume,
and it's too late to send you back now, so come on.  Get outta there and
get the rest of the suit on."
     "Um...okay," Kalvin said.  The man took his hand and pulled him out
of what turned out to be a small closet.  Kalvin groaned and stretched his
arms, noticing in the process that bright yellow spandex was covering his
regular suave space smuggler garb.  The man noticed that too, and snarled.
     "Geez, don't they test you on this stuff?" he asked, angrily.  "You
take the civvies *off* before you put the costumer on."  The man looked at
his watch.  "Look, I don't got time for this.  Get into your costume and
go to Studio 11, okay?  Your cape is on the hook on the door over here, and
here's your chest prosthetic."
     Kalvin looked at the rubber prosthetic, and realized it was the size
of a large bean bag, or a small pony.  Before he could protest, the man was
already out the door.
     "And wear the boots," the man said, without turning.  "I don't care how
tight they are."  The door closed, and Kalvin stared at it for several
moments, pondering his chances of escape.  The man wasn't armed, but the
tone of his voice implied that his leaving was not an option.
     Besides, if he went through with it, he might be able to pick up some
monetary units, so that he could get off whatever planet he was on and get
back to the Planet of Supermarkets, so he could collect his payment from
Varneyloop.
     He reached for the spandex trousers, wincing at the clashing colors.

                                     -~-_-

     "No beer, huh?" Pope Joe Don I asked.
     "Nope," Zen Navigator answered.
     "Any convenience stores nearby?" Joe Don I asked.  "My Papal Express
Card is accepted anywhere in Europe."
     "All that is outside at the moment are giant space worm innards,"
Zen told him.  "Though if we drive on a bit farther, it is possible that
we might encounter Europe."
     "What's a Europe?" Quooth asked.  "Is it something that giant space
worms eat?"  He toyed with his Holy Harmonica absently as he spoke.
     "None have so far," Zen said.  "At least, not that I have heard.  I'm
sure they would try if they had the chance."
     Joe Don I noticed that Schlub was leaning over the machine he had
teleported into Zen's minibus with, and shooed him away.  Zen looked at
the machine, and recognized it instantly.
     "An ABPSARI!" he exclaimed.  "And so...uniquely designed!"
     "Thanks," Joe Don I said, grinning buffoonishly.
     "I take it this is how you managed to transport yourself from Earth
to here," Zen said.  "How much spam did you put into it?"
     "I didn't," Joe Don I answered.  "I poured some Schlitz into it."
     "Isn't that somewhat hazardous?" Quooth inquired.  "Not to mention
against good taste?"
     "Putting any substance other than spam into the ABPSARI's inter-
nucleic reaction chamber tends to cause dangerous, unpredictable
reactions," Zen said.  He rocked back on his heels, and looked at
the ceiling, a wry smile crossing his face.  "Takes me back to my college
days at Interstellar University..."
     "You went to IU?" Quooth asked.  "When?"
     "Oh..." Zen paused, and looked at the minibus's chronometer.  "About
four thousand years from now.  Unfortunately, I wasn't able to graduate.
It was discovered that I was not only there as a student, but that my
professor in Zen Channel Surfing 401 was also me, as was my student advisor.
Apparently at a couple points in my life I was stranded and needed some
cash to buy transportation, so I managed to get them to hire me..."
     "I had always thought that meeting oneself as a result of time travel
could disturb the flow of history and result in damaging paradoxes," Quooth
told him.  "Or perhaps I was hallucinating that part."
     "No, it's true," Zen said.  "I am an exception to that rule.  Please do
not ask me to explain why -- it is something that cannot be understood without
having had the experience.  There is only one that I know of in all my travels
who could even begin to understand, and she doesn't live in this altiverse."
     Schlub continued to examine the machine, oblivious to the conversation
around him.
     "What are you doing, friend headless one?" Quooth asked.  Schlub pointed
to the funnel leading to the inter-nucleic reaction chamber, and then to a
panel in the side of the minibus that was connected to the drive system of
the minibus.
     "I think I see your strategy," Zen said.  "However, the spam in the
drive system of my minibus cannot be extracted from inside.  And if it were
extracted from outside, the Oxy-Moran would lose power, and you all would
suffocate."  He looked at Schlub again, appraisingly.  "Except possibly for
you, as you do not seem to need to breathe."
     "Perhaps he is suggesting that the ABPSARI be hooked into your craft's
drive system, and that something else be inserted into it to use as fuel,"
Quooth said.
     "I didn't bring any Schlitz with me," Joe Don I said, apologetically.
     "Yes, an excellent strategy!" Zen exclaimed.  "But what shall we use?
The reaction will be unpredicable, and will likely cause the deaths of
everyone present!  And, having experienced death before, let me say that it
is very overrated!"
     "It would seem that a special item would be necessary," Quooth said,
thoughtfully.  "Something that might cause a reaction that might have more
benevolent results."
     "I brought a Playboy along," Joe Don I offered.  Everyone, including
Schlub, ignored him.
     "Something special," Zen mused.  "Something...divine, perhaps?"
     "That would seem to be the..."  Quooth's sentence trailed off, as
he noticed how peculiarly Zen was looking at him.  Or rather, at the Holy
Harmonica he was toying with.
     "No," he said.  "Sorry, friend, I cannot allow the Holy Harmonica to be
destroyed."
     "I am not suggesting its destruction!" Zen exclaimed.  "I have another
plan!"
     "Which is?" Quooth asked, as he guarded the Harmonica carefully.

                                     -~-_-

     "Woog," Jerriphrrt groaned, as he woke up.  He was still in his cell,
he deduced.  There were no windows to indicate whether it was day or night,
but Jerriphrrt decided that several hours must have passed.
     The succubus who had claimed to be Lark Purree, Time Agent 90210, was
sitting in one corner of the cell, her knees drawn up to her chin.  She was
awake, but didn't seem to be aware that Jerriphrrt had awoken, or that he
was even present.
     After a while, she blinked, and looked at Jerriphrrt strangely.  It was
then that Jerriphrrt realized he had been staring.
     "Er, Lark?" he asked.  "Not that it's any of my business what decisions
you make regarding your personal life, but..."
     "It wasn't my choice," Lark said, sighing.  "This body belongs to Melu
Ulem, a succubus who was part of Time Central's Special Operations division.
I was escorting her to Earth, so that she could accomplish her mission."
     "What was her mission?" Jerriphrrt asked.
     "To kill the Pope," she said.  "I'm not sure why, exactly.  I only learned
after she consumed my soul."
     "So how did...um...this come about?"
     "When a succubus consumes a soul, she doesn't have to drain the living
energy from it right away," Lark explained.  "I was consumed, and...stored,
I guess you would call it, in order to force BRENDA to let her off the ship.
She attacked Joe Don I, but he had this ABPSARI, you see, and he poured
Schlitz into it..."
     "Eww," Jerriphrrt commented.
     "Tell me about it," Lark sighed.  "It resulted in an explosion that
destroyed the Vatican and teleported everyone in the room to a random
destination, including my real body."
     "How did your real body get there?"
     "I think Sid and Johnny took control of it," Lark said.  He saw
Jerriphrrt's questioning look.  "My sideburns," he explained.  "Anyway, the
ABPSARI's reaction seems to not only have teleported me here, it seems to have
given me control of her body."
     "What happened to Melu?"
     "I don't know," Lark admitted.  "She didn't take my place -- I can't
sense her anywhere.  Fortunately, there are a couple other souls in here that
I can subsist on for a few days."
     "But...you're killing them!" Jerriphrrt protested.  "It's immoral!  It's
unethical!  It's..."
     "They're game show hosts," Lark added.
     "Bon appetit," Jerriphrrt said.
     "Thanks," Lark said, sarcastically.  "This is a rather unsettling thing
for me to experience."
     "I can imagine," Jerriphrrt replied.  "I didn't know game show hosts
even *had* souls!"
     "Neither did I, but that's not what I meant," Lark said.  "I mean the
experience of having to subsist on the life energy of another being.  Not that
it excuses what succubi and incubi do, but I think I understand them a little
better now."  Jerriphrrt nodded.  "Of course, we'll have to get out soon.
Else, I'll get hungry, and...um..."
     "I get the point," Jerriphrrt said.  He looked down, and immediately
crossed his legs.  "Um," he added.
     "There's a ring on your finger," Lark said, as she relaxed, stretching
out her tail a bit.  "Don't tell me you're married now."
     "Engaged, to Gham," Jerriphrrt said.  "We were going to be married
some months ago.  But then James convinced me to hold a pre-ceremony
celebration on Barbados, and, after a few months of that, he, Gham, Emma, and
the ship got mysteriously teleported away.  Slithis, Benjen and I started
searching for them, a bunch of weird stuff happened, and I got teleported
here."
     "DON'T FORGET TO TELL THEM ABOUT YOUR DEATH SENTENCE!" the speaker voice
boomed from the walls.  Lark jumped up and yelped.
     "I was just getting to that!" Jerriphrrt yelled.  "I'm under a death
sentence that will be carried out in the morning, for defiling some moron's
tomb..."
     "THE GREAT FERTILIZER GOD KA IS NOT A MORON!" the voice insisted.
     "Course, I don't remember doing any defiling," Jerriphrrt said.  "I just
have this creep's word to take for it."
     "IT HAPPENED!  HONEST!"
     "What about me?" Lark asked.  "I haven't defiled anything!"
     "NO, BUT YOU TOUCHED THE UNHOLY TRANSGRESSOR!  AND NOW YOU HAVE HIS
COOTIES!"
     "I...see," Lark said, looking at Jerriphrrt.  Jerriphrrt shrugged.
"So, when is this execution thingy going to happen?"
     "OH, RIGHT NOW, I THINK," the voice said.  The cell door opened, and
a group of large, burly guards dressed in gold and fine silk loincloths
stomped in, spears at ready.  A man who looked rather astonishingly like
Jaye Davidson walked in and smiled at them.
     "WALK THIS WAY," he said, as he started to turn.
     "If we could walk that way..." Lark and Jerriphrrt started.  The guards
pressed their spears against Lark's and Jerriphrrt's necks.  "...nevermind."

WILL LARK/MELU AND JERRIPHRRT MANAGE TO ESCAPE?
WHAT HAPPENED TO MELU?
WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE OTHER SUB-PLOTS THAT WEREN'T COVERED IN THIS
     INSTALLMENT?
IS ANYONE FOLLOWING THIS?
AM I FOLLOWING THIS?
WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?

You'll find out, and so will I, in the next bizarre installment of this series,
only on SFSTORY!  Yes, SFSTORY, do you hear me?  SFSTORY!  There!  I said it
and I'm proud!!  Hahahahahahahaaaa!!!!