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Sfstory Log 050
=========================================================================
Subject: The Indestructible Kid #12 Part the First
From: Lord Worfin must live!!! (PAUL at HARTFORD)
The Indestructible Kid
Episode 12
Part the First
Depression is nine tenths of the law
or
A hasty retreat
Written by
Bill Paul
The man with two first names
"Sir!" cried Susan B. Anthony as she burst into Satan T. Lucifer Jones'
office. "We've just received a report that... Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize
you were busy."
Slowly, Jones' Jell-O encrusted form rose from the floor and straightened
up.
"Ahem. Yes, ah... take five girls." Satan said as Paula and Julia stepped
away to enjoy their break. "I have to give this Author credit. I never thought
he could pull it off. Now then, what's this about a report?"
"The fugitives were spotted trying to reach the space dock. It seems the
'secret weapon' caught up with them first."
"Excellent! Order every spare trooper to converge on their location and
apprehend them! But make sure they're given a healthy dose of anti-depressant
first."
"I'm afraid we don't have any on hand. We'll have to requistion some. And
that means..."
"Oh no! Don't tell me! More paperwork!!! By the time I'm finished filling
out all of those forms they'll be long gone! Alright: send some of the troops
in without the anti-depressant. Maybe we'll get lucky. Meanwhile, you get
started on the requisitions and bring them in when you need them signed. In
the meantime, I have to keep my--er, 'guests' entertained."
"I'll bet you do." Anthony replied tersely.
"Oh, and, if you have a spare moment, could you please bring us some
whipped cream?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Sah! Ah don' mean ta interrupt ya, but ah'v got somthin' verra important
to tell ya."
The Man With Two First Names sighed loudly and pulled his hands away from
his keyboard.
"What is it now, Scotty?!" he snapped.
"The plot generator is starting to pack up for good! Ah'v done all ah
can, but from here on in, the plot is going to become verra unstable. You'll
have to make manual corrections to keep the whole kit an' kaboodle from comin'
apart!"
"Wonderfull. As if I didn't have enough trouble. Well, thanks for all
your help Scotty. I guess I'll just have to handle the rest of the plot by
myself."
"Glad ta have been of service, sah. If you should need me again, you know
where ta find me."
"Naturally. Party on dude."
Engineer Scott had just enough time to wave goodbye before the Author
edited him back out of existance. With a look of grim determination, he then
turned back to his keyboard.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Michael Landon tried everything he could to keep his newfound friends
from falling under the influence of Robert Smith's powers of depression. It
would be difficult to imagine anyone being too depresed to want to escape from
hell, but some people are never satisfied.
"You have to let us get away from here." Landon insisted.
"Please don't try to agrue with me." Smith replied. "I just want to stand
here for a while."
"Hey, this is the first chance we've had to rest all day." said Moose
Lee. "Why don't you just leave all of us alone."
"But if we stay here, Satan's soldiers will catch us!" continued Landon.
"So what." said Bill.
Seeing that this line of argument was not helping matters, Michael Landon
decoded to try another appraoch.
"Smith! Think for aminute!" he cried.
"I don't feel like it."
"If you let Satan capture us, he'll probably end up making you fill out a
ton of reports and other paperwork. But if you let us go, you won't have to
worry about it. I mean, after all, what's more depressing than bureacracy?"
"Say, he's got a point there." said Liz.
"Well, maybe you're right." said Smith."But if I let you go, Satan will
be really angry with me. That's an even more depressing thought."
"Then you could escape with us!" said Bill, feeling his mind starting to
clear.
"But what if decides to hunt me down?"
"Somehow, I get the feeling that if you escaped, Satan wouldn't be in a
terribly big rush to get you back." Lee noted.
"Well, alright. But don't ask me to do too much work. Work depresses me."
Having narrowly escaped a depressing ending to their adventure, the group
continued on their way to the space dock. When they arrived, they found it
crawling with technicians and guards. Oddly enough, most of them were
congregated around another much larger vessel at the other end of the dock.
Landon led them through a passage way which opened out onto a catwalk, high
above the landing area and out of the view of the guards.
"Alright." landon whispered. "Down there to the right is the ship I was
telling you about. It looks as though it's all fueled up and ready to go."
"How the heck are we supposed to fly it out of here?" asked Lee. "That
other ship is blocking the exit."
"There a a few escape pod hatches scattered around the area. That ship is
small enough to fit though one of them in a pinch. All you have to do is blow
the hatch and fly out. By the time they re-seal the hatch, you'll be long
gone."
"What's that stuff in that vat to the left?' asked Liz.
Landon carefully explained that the vat contained waste products drained
from the power plants of hell. Standard procedure was to shoot it off into
space since prolonged exposure could be very dangerous. He emphasized that it
was highly radioactive and that it would be a good idea to keep well away from
it. For a moment, they all stared intently at the roiling and admittedly foul
smelling concoction.
"Dont tell me: it causes cancer right?" Bill said.
This comment did little except to draw a slap from Elizabeth.
"Hey! Whadja do that for?"
"I don't know. It seemed like the right thing to do somehow."
"Let's not waste any more time, shall we?' said Moose Lee. "I wanna blow
this joint."
The group started along the catwalk looking for a place to climb down to
the ship. When they got halfway along, Landon stopped suddenly.
"Hey! What's the big idea?" Lee demanded.
"Troopers! Thay've found us!"
From the other end of the cat walk, a division of StormUndtDrangTroopers
began closing in on them with plasma rifles bared. Liz lead a hasty retreat
back the way they had come, only to find that passage blocked by a regiment of
Napoleon's soldiers.
"Well, looks like this could be our last stand." Bill said solemly. "Lets
at least make it a good fight. Liz! Lee! Take the point and engage the
StormUndtDrangTroopers! Landon! Smith! You help me fight off the french
soldiers!"
"Do I have to?" Smith moaned.
The Indestructible Kid didn't reply. Instead, he led a headlong charge
into the startled french soldiers. They opened fire, but their muskets were
less than effective against him. Robert Smith just stood there and looked at
them, which was enough to make them feel really lousy about themselves and
hamper their efforts tremendously.
The hellfire pistol that Bill had given Liz proved to be instrumental in
keeping the StormUndtDramgTroopers at bay. Moose Lee found that his katanas
were having a greater effect against their armor than he had anticipated. He
soon found that this was because it had begun to turn very soft. Almost as
soft as...
"Cheese Whiz (tm)!!!" Lee cried. "Their armor is turning into Cheeze
Whiz!! What the hell is going on here??"
Meanwhile, back in a certain Jell-O filled office, Satan T. Lucifer
Jones was asking himself the same question. He was asking himself from under
his desk as what had been an othetwise enjoyable experience went sour the
moment Paula Abdul and Julia Roberts transfomed into Rosanne Barr and Shelley
Winters--both of whom were bent on licking every single particle of Jell-O and
whipped cream from his body.
"ANTHONY!!" Satan bellowed. "GET IN HERE NOW!!! AND BRING MY PERSONAL
HELLFIRE CANNON!!!"
Seconds later, Susan B. Anthony entered carrying the hellish weapon.
Satan took aim at Rosanne and pulled the trigger, only to have a flag pop out
from the barrel with the word 'BANG!' written on it.
"What's going on here?!" Satan shouted.
"You forgot to disengage the safety." Anthony replied.
Jones winced a little at this remark. The then he removed the safety and
flash fried the incredible hulks who were threatenning to lick him to within
an inch of his unholy life.
"What the hell is going on around here?" Satan demanded.
"We just got a report from Einstein." Anthony began. "It seems that a plot
generator has gone amuck somewhere and it's wreaking havoc with localized
continuity."
"Damnation! And I was just starting to have fun. Send a message to all of
the troops! We have to capture those fugituves before things get anyworse!!!"
As if on cue, Satan's desk suddenly sprang to artificial life and began
chasing him around his office.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CONTINUED IN PART TWO, IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING...
***** Received 01:52:31 on 09/06/91, Posting # 94 *****
=========================================================================
Subject: The indestructible Kid #12 Part the Second
From: Lord Worfin must live!!! (PAUL at HARTFORD)
The Indestructible Kid Episode 12
Part the Second
Written by Bill Paul
CONTINUED FROM PART ONE...
Back at the space dock, strange things were happenning. Realizing that
their armor could no longer protect them, the StormUndtDrangTroopers panicked
and began firing their plasma rifles at anything that moved. Liz and Moose Lee
tried to duck for cover. To their surprise, the troopers found their weapons
capable of firing nothing but multi-colored helium filled balloons, which in a
way was fortunate since, with their lousy aim, they would have otherwise
ended up doing more damage to themselves than anything else.
"There's something very odd going on here." Liz noted.
"It took you this long to notice?" Lee added.
Before our heroes were able to take advantage of the situation, the
catwalk they were standing on finally decided that the weight of all of those
soldiers was too much for it to handle and it gave out a loud groan.
"The platform is weakening!" cried Landon.
"And we're to high up to jump!" added Lee. "If this thing gives out,
we'll be splattered!"
"I knew I shouldn't have let you talk me into this." lamented Smith.
Suddenly, the catwalk shook a little. Then it groaned again. Then it
started breathing funny. Noticing this, the Author edited a cold shower into
existence, which only served to confuse the participants in this little drama
further.
"I've got an idea!" cried Lee. "Everybody grab a bunch of those balloons!
We can use them to float down to the ship!"
"That silly!" Liz protested.
"Stranger things have happened!" Lee said shrugging.
Siezing the monent, the group gathered up a swarm of the helium filled
ballons and leapt from the catwalk, just as it gave out. The
StormUndtDrangTroopers and French soldiers plunged to the deck below, landing
in a wet, snotty and cheezy mess. As fate would have it, a few french
soldiers managed to get off the walkway in time and they opened fire on our
floating heroes with their muskets. Liz returned fire with her hellfire
pistol, but not before they managed to puncture the balloons that were
holding Indestructible Kid and Moose Lee aloft. The others watched in horror
as they both plunged into the bubbling vat of waste.
"We have to do something!" Liz cried as they reached the ground.
"We can't!" Landon said as he held her back. "There's no time! Satan
probably has reinforcements on their way!"
"Hey Landon!" cried the Indestructible Kid and he hauled himself over the
edge of the vat. "I thought you said this stuff was dangerous!"
Landon and Liz wantched in awe (and Robert Smith watched in apathy) as
Moose Lee emerged after him and both of them came forward.
"That's not possible! That waste is deadly!"
"Sorry to disappoint you by not dying." Bill joked. "I have to admit, I
do feel a little strange."
"Me too." added Lee. "My head really hurts. No time to worry about it
though. C'mon! There's the ship! Let's get out of here already!"
A little confused, but anxious to get away before any more of Satan's
soldiers showed up, Michael Landon quickly instructed Bill and Lee how to
pilot the vessel and showed them how to lay in a course for Earth.
"All you have to do now is fire the engines, face the front of the ship
towards that bulkhead and fire the main plasma cannons. That will blow open a
hole big enough to fly through."
"And then we're home free. Thanks Michael. You've been a big help." said
Liz.
"Yeah, ah, thanks a lot Mikey." Bill added. "And I hope we never see you
again, know what I mean?"
Landon smilled. Lee closed the hatch behind him. Within seconds, the ship
was airborne and Bill fired the plasma cannons as Landon had instructed. The
immediate area depressurized and the tiny ship was mercilessly expelled from
hell, invoking an image that even this Author wouldn't want to elaborate on.
Back in his office, Satan didn't know whether to be angry or relieved. On the
Author's Beach, The Man with Two First Names breathed easily for the first
time in a while. Then he picked up the phone to call the Swede and let him
know that it was okay for him to bring on the sets for his Renegade Anarchist
storyline.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EPILOGUE #1
-----------
A small ship set down gently on the Sheep's Meadow in New York's Central
Park. It was four in the moring. Three weary travelers (and one depressed one)
were glad to be home.
"We made it!" cried Liz. "We're back on Earth!! I never thought I'd be so
glad to be in Central Park at four in the morning."
"Well, I gotta admit, I never thought we'd pull this off." said Lee.
"Hey, I told you I was going to get her back no matter what, didn't I?"
"I don't know how to thank you for rescuing me." said Liz.
"Wait 'till you get my bill!" Bill joked. "That reminds me. I think I owe
you a dollar Lee."
"Hunh? What for?"
"Your fee. I said I'd give you a dollar to help me out."
"Oh. Forget it. It's on the h--hou-- oh, man! I feel really wierd."
"Yeah, me too." Bill added. "It feels like my insides are on fire. And my
eyes!!"
"What is it!? What's wrong?" Liz exclaimed as both Moose Lee and the
Indestructible Kid doubled over.
"I--I think it has to do with that waste we fell into." Lee groaned.
"I've been feeling funny ever since we left hell... Oh my aching head!"
Liz could only watch as a startling transformation came over Moose Lee.
His antlers began to shrink. His fur began to fall from his skin in large
clumps. Gradually, the whole structure of his head began to change. The longer
she watched the more Moose Lee began to look... human.
The Indestructible Kid didn't seem to be undergoing any sort of unusual
transformation yet he to seemed to be in great pain. He clutched at face
and tore off his sunglasses.
"I can see!" he cried. "I mean I can really see! Like I used to! My eyes
are normal again! Whoa! What the hell hapenned to Lee?!"
"I'm human." Lee said softly. "I've been turned completely human! I'm not
a moose anymore!"
"Gee, sorry to hear that Lee." Bill began. "Those antlers were kinda
cute."
"Aww, cut it out!" Lee protested.
"Hey, welcome to the top of the food chain, dude!" Bill said as he gave
Lee a slap on the back. In the process, he accidentally cut his hand on the
blade of one of Lee's katanas.
"Ow! That hurt. Man, I hate the sight of blood."
"Bill!" Liz exclaimed. "Look at your hand! You're bleeding real blood!
You're normal again!"
"Normal? Well how 'bout that. Satan did me the biggest favor in the world
and he doesn't even know it. This calls for a celebration! Drinks are one me
everybody! Hey. Where's Smith?"
Bill's question was answered by the roar of the ship's engine's starting
up again. The craft took off into the night sky and quickly dissappeared into
space. Whether Robert Smith was simply too depressed to be free or if this was
the result of the Author's plot generator fouling up again we may never know.
"It's just as well I suppose." said Lee. "Somehow, I don't think this
world is big enough for two Robert Smiths."
"Hey, I just realized something. If I'm normal again, that means I'm out
of the bodyguarding business."
"True." said Lee. "But I still have my fighting skills. Perhaps I should
take over your little enterprise. Being a bodyguard is certainly a more
respectable form of employment than being a mercenary."
"Tell you what, Lee: I'll give you the keys to my office and a list of
all my old contacts. The trouble is that I'm out of a job, and now that I'm
not immortal anymore, I'm gonna need one. Great: I'm unemployed, and I'm
broke. And I don't have a place to live."
"I think I can put you up for a while." said Liz.
"I'll bet you could." replied Bill.
*SMACK!*
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EPILOGUE #2
-----------
Robert Smith lazily maneuvered his small ship into the docking bay of a
large space station many light years from Earth. Listlessly, he openned the
hatch and followed the string of cardboard signs that read "This way to the
Sage." Finally, he reached the center of the station, occupied only by a
single man who looked remarkably like the actor who played Vencini in The
Princess Bride.
"Are you the Sage?" Smith asked dejectedly.
"Naturally."
"Oh. Good. I was getting really depressed all by myself in that little
ship. "
"Yes, I know."
"You do?"
"Of course! I'm the Sage! I know everything."
"Then you know why I'm here?"
"Certainly."
"Well, could you tell me? Because I don't."
"You're here because you don't belong on the Earth in this universe. You
belong on Earth-Superguy. The Earth you just came from is Earth-Sf_story. They
aren't the same. In this universe, Juan Valdez never became a super hero, the
Greenslimy aliens never kidnapped you, and there was no accident with a
dimensional transporter to accidentally create two of you. There's only
supposed to be one Robert Smith here, which means you have to go back to
Earth-Superguy."
"But I don't know how to do that."
"I know. But I can tell you. My space station exists in all universes
at the same time. All you have to do is go out through a different doorway
than where you came in, and voila! You're in another universe. Of course
there's the matter of a small fee..."
"But what about my ship? It won't fit hrough that doorway."
"I know. That can be taken care of--again for a small fee."
"How small?"
"For you and the ship, say... fifty dollars."
"But I don't have any money on me."
"I know."
"Now I'm really depressed. Couldn't I just stay here for a while?"
"Certainly not! This is my station, not a Holiday Inn!"
Just then, the Author appeared, holding his wallet.
"Wait!!! Just a minute! Here! Here's the money! I'm really sorry about
all this. My plot generator just conked out completely and I never got the
chance to edit some money into his wallet."
"Yes." said the Sage. "I know."
The Author and the Sage watched as Robert Smith walked through the
doorway to the Superguy universe. Both breathed a hearty sigh of relief.
"Well, I guess I'll be on my way too." said the Author. "I'm through
playing around in this topic for now."
"I know." said the Sage. "Wait a minute. Where do you think you're
going?"
"You tell me: you're the Sage."
"And you're a smartass. You can't cross back into the Superguy universe
without paying."
"I'm an Author! Why should I have to pay?"
"Oh sure! I make an execption for you and soon the whole multi-verse will
be expecting me to let them through for free!! Now fork over fifteen dollars!"
"Oh alright! Here! This is what I get for writing myself into a story."
"I know."
"Shut up!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
SO ENDS THE TALE OF THE NO-LONGER-INDESTRUCTIBLE KID. WILL HE RETURN SOMEDAY??
WILL THE AUTHOR RETURN TO THIS TOPIC SOMEDAY????? WHO THE HELL KNOWS.
BUT TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS TO ROBERT SMITH, KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR UPCOMMING
POSTINGS ON... SUPERGUY!
***** Received 08:55:55 on 09/06/91, Posting # 95 **
=========================================================================
Subject: the Swede has problems...
From: I'm a little psycho kitten. (34EPWQL at CMUVM)
The Swede emerged from his little hovel to survey the Authors Beach.
He had just recieved a call from the Man with Two Names, telling him that
the sets for Satan's Office were once again available for the resumption
of the Renegade Anarchists. It was sad to know that the Man was leaving
the Authors beach, but perhaps he would return.
Re-entering his hovel, he removed his long black coat, black hat and
dark sunglasses, poured himself a tall, frothy beverage, and sat in front
of his quaint computer. The Swede logged in, and set up a file. Thus
prepared, he flipped on his Plot Generator.
The explosion took him by surprise. Fortunately, he was able to
reboot his hovel from a copy he had saved earlier that day, but the Plot
Generator was, in fact, history.
"Whine," he whined. "My Plot Generator is gone, and to get another one,
I need money, money I can't just create even with my incredible and awe-
inspiring authorial powers. That means I need...a JOB!" (screams of terror
in background).
"That means," the Swede continued, "until I get a job and get a new
computer and modem, the Renegade Anarchists fall premiere will be temporarily
delayed. I just hope my readership understands." The Swede was about to
whine some more when he felt some soft hands on his shoulder.
"You could always...work...with me," Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio said
soothingly. The Swede got a dopey grin on his face.
"I could, at that," he mused. The Swede edited himself and Mary into
the next room, and many interesting, educational things ensued.
THE RENEGADE ANARCHISTS WILL RETURN...EVENTUALLY...
***** Received 18:02:46 on 09/07/91, Posting # 96 *****
=========================================================================
Subject: Hype for a New Series
From: A Sentient Nightmare (OSIRIS at DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU)
Coming soon to an SfStory near you...
It has nothing to do with Spam, Cheeze Whiz, or carrot-leek drive.
It has nothing to do with dead celebrities or political figures.
It has nothing to do with Satan T. Lucifer Jones, Elvis, or the Sage.
It's not even that funny.
The Author who brought you Jake Hawthorne: The Annihilator and The Wings of
the Archangel storyline on Superguy, and who is wanted in at least one major
computer center, braves even writer's block to present the SfStory
audience with what they've been waiting for their entire lives:
Enter the Worlds of
THE HERETIC
The rest of your life will be meaningless by comparison.
***** Received 20:48:22 on 09/09/91, Posting # 97 *****
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 14 Nov 1991 04:34:51 EDT
Reply-To: UCF SUPERGUY List (SUPERGUY at UCF1VM.BITNET)
Sender: UCF SUPERGUY List (SUPERGUY at UCF1VM.BITNET)
From: Tad Simmons (SIMMONS at UCF1VM.BITNET)
Subject: SF: Voyages of a Warrior of Chaos #1
The Voyages of a Warrior of Chaos
(No relation to CHAOS Engineer)
Issue the First
(A guaranteed collector's item)
As the BCS (Big Cruise Ship) Titanic, the only ship in the universe able to
go FTL and /or enter Hyperspace despite the small drawback of not being
equipped with any type of star-drive and not being designed to travel between
systems. The reason the ship was able to do this is that, when they were
putting it together at the Mylanka XVII shipyards they accidentally installed
the controls for both a FTL system (rated at Ultrawarp 15) AND a Hyperdrive
unit in the closet off of the bridge. Apparently the universe, thinking that
there must be some reason for this idiocy, decided that the units must be there
for some reason and made it so that they functioned, much to the confusion of
the crew, designers, and dignitaries on board for her maiden flight. As the
ship made it's final approach to Station Prime in orbit around Mylanka V one
of the bridge crew, specifically the First Mate, grew a little warm and went
to hang up his dress coat. He intended to hang it on one of the "hooks" in the
wall and was extremely surprised when the "hook" gave under the weight of his
coat with an audible click.
Any thought about shoddy workmanship was completely forgotten as shouts rose
behind him and somebody screamed. Jake (the crewman) spun and his eyes were
immediately drawn to the main viewscreen. On it was the unmistakable sight
of stars zipping by at warp+. Jake immediately took a closer look at his the
wall panel his "hook" was installed in and called to the captain. "Henry, I
think you better see this" he said as he reached in and flicked the switch back
to it's original position. The Captain came over and stared at the innocuous
panels sitting side-by-side on the wall. Shaking his head he went back to his
command chair and pressed a button.
"Engineering here, sir"
"Mr. Peterson, would you please tell me what a Hyperspace Drive control unit
and a Warp Drive controller are doing installed in the bridge's closet."
"But, that's rediculous Captain! The ship doesn't have a star-drive of any
kind, much less two of the bleedin' beasts!"
"Then Mr. Peterson kindly explain to me how we just exceeded warp speed."
"We didn't Captain, my instrumens don't show the drain any intersteller
would need, no matter what the method."
"Then I have something interesting to show you. Mr. Peterson, come to the
bridge, I think you'll be interested in this."
So saying the Captain sat down and called to the maneuvers controller.
"Call up the maneuvering log. What does it show?"
"Sir it just says 'exceeded warp at 12:03:26' and 'slowed at 12:06:29'."
"Good, we were only in warp for 3 minutes and three seconds. Navigation!"
"Sir"
"Where are we?"
"I don't have any idea, Sir!"
"What? We were only in Warp for 3 minutes."
"Yes sir, but none of the normal galactic landmarks are evident. At the time
of warp we were pointed almost directly at Mylanka B. It is my guess that we
either slingshotted around it, or... we went through it."
"Through Mylanka B? Nobody can go through a black hole!"
"Nobody has gone through a black hole and survived that we KNOW of sir. The
only alternative I see is that we are all actually dead."
"Jake?"
"No information, Captain. I have served extensively on interstellar
vessels and, before I came to work for White Dwarf Line, spaced over most of
the galaxy. I've never seen these stars."
As Peterson exited the lifttube he was greeted by the cheerful face of the
Captain who escorted (shoved) him into the closet and pointed at the panels,
the lit up and energized panels.
"I don't understand it, Captain. There isn't any place on this ship for two
whole sets of star-drives to hide. I would like to test this if I may."
"Precisely my thoughts. Maneuvers! Bring her about 180 degrees."
When the ship had swung fully about the Captain reached out and flicked the
switch. Chief Engineer Peterson's mouth bounced off of the floor as the main
screen once again revealed the beauty of warp space. Three minutes and three
seconds later the captain again flipped the switch.
WILL THEY GET HOME?
Don't be silly, it's only issue 1.
WILL PETERSON EVER FIND ANY STAR_DRIVES ON THE TITANIC.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ICEBERG?
WHO IS THE WARRIOR OF CHAOS?
All this and less in the next issue!
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Nov 1991 04:01:38 EDT
Reply-To: UCF SUPERGUY List (SUPERGUY at UCF1VM.BITNET)
Sender: UCF SUPERGUY List (SUPERGUY at UCF1VM.BITNET)
From: Tad Simmons (SIMMONS at UCF1VM.BITNET)
Subject: Journeys of a Warrior of Chaos #2
The Author finished reading the file and glanced at his note book.
"OK. This one seems ok... I'll leave it the way it is, and start deviating
with the next one." He glanced at his watch. "Hmm, this is taking longer than
I thought it would. I better get a move on!"
Hurriedly, he fired the file off to Superguy for distribution.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
/post sfstory
/subject Voyages of a Warrior of Chaos #2
The BCS Titanic slowed from warp not far from a star system this time. Which
was a good thing. It would have been better if it had been the Mylanka system
but, hey, you can't have everything. Suddenly Sensors yelled out a warning.
"Maneuvers, change our course now! We are on a colli..."
Even as the Maneuvers officer was starting the course change the ship was
struck. Air blossomed out into space as the comet blew the meteor screen and
pierced the outer hull of the craft. The automatic doors tried to seal off the
affected areas but too many bulkheads had been breached and most of the ship's
air was bled off into space. On the bridge the emergency lights came on and
the Captain bagan assessing damage.
"Damage Control, Report!"
"Extensive Damage to almost all levels, Sir"
"Almost all levels? Can't you be slightly more specific Mister?"
"No sir, I can't. None of my teams are able to report in."
The Captain noticed that the Maneuvers officer was working intently at his
console and that the stars were dancing crazily accross the main viewer.
Finally the stars calmed down and Maneuvers took a deep breath.
"Ship now stabilized Captain."
"Very good. What was the problem?"
"We were spinning in all three axes and the entire left bank of thrusters
wouldn't respond. Not a good thing at all."
"Hunh" the Captain grunted, impressed at the feat. "Good work. Navigation,
what's our course?"
"We were outside the ecliptic of this system, but the collision has pushed us
toward the third planet. According to Sensors, it should be hospitable to us."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At Los Genericas Observatory in Sometown, USA the Director of Operations and
the head Astrophysicast were discussing the sudden disappearance of a certain
bit of stellar ice.
"Damn it, one of the best oddball comets of all time, better than that over-
hyped Halley's anytime, and it just stopped? How is that possible?"
"We don't know Tom, but Miramar has confirmed our findings. The tail of
comet 562 has completely disappeared with no known cause."
"No chance we're looking in the wrong place I suppose?"
"Please, be serious."
"Well, I could hope, couldn't I?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As they approached the planet Sensors was able to get more and more info its'
inhabitants. By examining the massive amounts of Electro-Magnetic emanations,
the crew was eventually able to decode the language and learn it by RNA
implant.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At military bases all around the world crews were put on alert as a recently
detected mass headed for Earth. Although Astronomers had initially guessed
that the approaching mass might be the remains of a certain missing comet (in
fact they were partly correct, the remains of the comet were imbedded in a box
of boots stored in one of the cargo holds) this was quickly dismissed as more
details became apparent. Seeing the obvious damage the ship had undergone the
military wasn't too worried, but one never knew what might happen. As the ship
got nearer and nearer preparation of all kinds were set in motion.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Staggering on minimum thrusters the BCS Titanic, once proud flagship of the
White Dwarf Line, came in for an emergency landing. Aiming for a primitive
spaceport on the east coast of some peninsula the engines suddenly died. What
resulted is what normally happens when an Emergency landing isn't possible: a
crash.
As the crash restraints released their hold the captain called for reports
from all stations.
Maneuvers: "I think I was able to land us in a clear spot, but I'm not sure.
No response at all from thrusters now. I don't think the Titanic is going to
be lifting for a while."
Damage Control: "Captain, you really don't want to know."
Navigation: "According to instruments we fell about 254 mytzfran short, we're
somewhere in the interior of the land mass, but I'm not sure where."
Unfortunately, all the other stations were in no condition to answer.
Finally enough people were conscious to check outside the ship. The air was
safe to breath, not that they could have done much about it if it wasn't. As
the small group exited their ship they were surprised by the large group
assembled around the ship. Descending the ramp they were met at the base by an
individual in strange green clothes.
"Welcome to Earth, Gentlemen. My name is General Hargrove and I'm currently
in charge of this incident. Do any of you speak English perchance?"
The Captain stepped forward slightly. "Yes General, we all learned it on the
trip in. We are in the undesirable position of having to beg for the help of
your Government in order to return to our home. Perhaps it would be best if I
were able to speak directly with your Big Cheese."
"Big Cheese? Oh, you must mean the President. That will come later. Right
now I have express orders to see you and your crew settled in safely and to get
your ship to a secure area."
Even as General Hargrove said this a Personell Carrier pulled up and a group
of MPs disembarked followed closely by a medical team. Everybody present was
taken to a nearby Hospital to be tested for exposure to abnormal levels of
radiation and then transferred to a military Hospital.
Excerpt from a newspaper report (Sunday, Feb. 4, 1990):
Alien ship lands at UCF
Early yesterday morning the ship that has been approaching Earth for weeks
finally touched down. Although aiming for a landing at Cape Canaveral the ship
suffered "calamatous engine malfunction" and had to make an "extreme" landing
in a temporary parking lot on the campus of the University of Central Florida.
Luckily damage was kept to a minimum because of it being early on a Saturday,
when very few classes are in session. The military quickly moved in and took
the ship and everyone present to Patrick Air Force Base for testing and
decontamination procedures. In a Press conference held earlier today General
Stanley Hargrove assured the public that "there didn't seem to be any cause for
undue concern, but everyone exposed to the ship would be under medical
supervision for a couple weeks." Scientists are itching to get their hands on
the ship, but in a rare burst of logic the powers that be in the Pentagon have
declared hands-off until the crew are back to full health. For the full story
see the special pull-out section of tomorrow's paper.
WILL THERE BE A PULL_OUT SECTION?
WILL IT INCLUDE PHOTOS? IN COLOR?
WHY UCF? (WHY NOT?)
FIND OUT NEXT TIME HERE IN SFSTORY (ON SUPERGUY)
=========================================================================
Date: Sun, 24 Nov 1991 20:43:00 EST
Reply-To: UCF SUPERGUY List (SUPERGUY at UCF1VM.BITNET)
Sender: UCF SUPERGUY List (SUPERGUY at UCF1VM.BITNET)
From: Ghod's Dandruff (JBANKERT at SUNRISE.BITNET)
Subject: SF: here it comes again...
"Calliope, why am I doing this?"
"Because I have inspired you to, Silly Boy."
"Um, yeah, but WHY did you inspire me to?"
The Muse Calliope affected a somewhat tragic look with which to lay low
CHAOS Engineer before gifting him with a reply. "Because."
CHAOS Engineer's body posture betrayed that he had just been frustrated
and annoyed, similar to the emotional response of a small child being denied a
favorite toy. "I see. It's going to be one of THOSE things."
Calliope smiled a satisfied smile, and sprinkled a small amount of
Golden Muse Dust on CHAOS Engineer. Moments later, his face blank and eyes
glazed, Calliope guided CHAOS Engineer over to his OmniVAX workstation and
seated him. Whispering the word "go" in his ear, Calliope stood back and
watched as CHAOS Engineer began typing furiously.
And So, without further Adieu, CHAOTIC Productions Proudly Presents-
The Return of SFStory the Third
by
John Bankert
A solitary figure lay in the sun, absorbing tanning rays of epic
proportion on a beach as close to perfect as any beach could be. The figure
had been laying on his towel for how long no one knows for sure, but thanks to
his incredible authorial abilities, his skin was only now reaching a nice,
light, brown color. His reverie was interrupted by a large shadow passing over
him, accompanied by a low rumbling. The rumbling grew louder for a moment,
then subsided. The figure, thinking the interruption over, began to let his
mind blank again when a man sized shadow blocked the sun over his face and
chest, opening his eyes, the sun bather saw a familiar face peering back down
at him.
"Ah, Time Agent 357. Long time, no see. You're blocking my sun.
Would you mind moving? Grab some beach, why don't ya?"
"I am VERY cross with you, Mr CHAOS Engineer. You did the same thing
to me twice, and nobody gets away with that."
"I did what to you twice 357?"
"Left me hanging at a crucial plot junction. Last time you told me
Satan used an Apathy Ray. What's your excuse this time?"
"Satan."
"Really... You're an author. Can't you at least come up with a more
imaginative lie?"
"I'm not lying. Satan destroyed the whole Multiverse just as I was
getting ready to crank up production."
"Oh Really?" 357's voice oozed with disbelief.
"Really. It's the truth, I swear."
"Yeah, sure, whatever. Been down the beach recently?"
"No."
"You should go, you know."
"Why?"
"Because! Down the beach is the home for abandoned characters! You
should see them all. Mark Hyperthrust, Trudy Tetwaters, Bing Von Spleen, and
those are only a few. It's so sad! You've got to do something!"
"I do?"
"Yes! Someone has to provide these people with work. Why, just
yesterday I saw Omegas playing checkers with Connifer Green."
"Connie Green and Omegas? In the same room together??"
"Yes! Can't you see what I'm saying?"
"Ok, Ok. I'm convinced. I'll do something. I won't guarantee it'll
be a lot, but maybe a special or something. Big reunion blowout, or what not."
"Don't stiff me on this one, Mr CHAOS Engineer, or I swear by all I
hold holy I'll make your life so miserable you'll wish you were dead."
Time Agent 357 spun on his heel and stalked back to his ship. CHAOS
watched as the HMS Golden Lance lifted off and warped away. Sighing, CHAOS
stood up, grabbed his towel and shook it out, and started walking back up the
beach toward his his office, cursing himself for ever putting a door in his
bungalow leading to his stretch of Author's Beach in Netherspace.
[[[[[--------]]]]]
CHAOS Engineer looked about the Netherspace Office from which he
conducted all his SFStory business. The months of disuse showed, a heavy layer
of dust covering everything. Certainly an annoyance, but easy to take care of
with a quick spot of editing.
His office clean, CHAOS sat behind the his desk and began to take stock
of what was left to work with. He discarded the old 357 plot line immediately,
since Omegas had been found. The Challenger II story line was iffy at best,
and he had never been sure where that was headed. Best off scrapping it. The
Han and Lando story line had good potential, but unfortunately was of no
immediate use since it had been moved from altiverse 000SF. Looks like a
completely fresh start, he thought to himself. Going to need a villain.
Omnipotent type, a true challenge for the forces of good. Satan always seems
to be a good choice for that sort of thing. Thought firmly in hand, CHAOS
Engineer called up the vid-phone and placed a call to Satan.
"Altiversal Telephone & Telegraph, how may I help you?"
"Connect me to Satan T. Lucifer Jones please"
"One moment please."
I hate phone operators, CHAOS thought, as the vid-phone screen was
filled up with the AT&T logo while the call was being put through. Wrapped in
his thoughts, CHAOS was startled when a voice accosted him.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" demanded Satan, his voiced laced with rage.
"Satan, man, calm down. You're too tense. I wanted to talk business."
"Oh, and what pray tell might that be?"
"I need a villain for an SFStory storyline."
"A Villain? A VILLAIN??? You expect favors from me after what you did
to me???"
"I'm sorry, after I did what?"
"What do you mean, after you did what?"
"I mean, what did I do to you. I don't remember doing anything?"
"YOU IMBECILE! YOU DID *THIS* TO ME. THIS CHINESE RESTAURANT FROM
HELL!!!!!!!!!"
"I did?"
"Yes.... This should refresh you memory." Satan punched a couple of
buttons, and a letter popped up on the screen, filling it. CHAOS read.
"So will you do it? Be my villain?"
Satan image exploded onto the screen again, livid. "NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
he screamed. "ABSOLUTELY NOT! HOW CAN I FUNCTION IN AN ENVIRONMENT LIKE THIS!
NONE OF THE WAITERS UNDERSTAND ENGLISH, AND I DON'T EVER WANT TO EAT CHINESE
FOOD AGAIN!!!"
"Come man, I'm desperate, cut me some slack. I was drunk off my ass
when I did that."
"How desperate?" Satan hedged, his outburst of moments ago forgotten.
"Seriously desperate. I'm under a lot of pressure to get a story line
out."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah. Time Agent 357 has threatened to do some nasty things to me if
I don't."
"Well..." Satan said, coaxing every last ounce of wavering uncertainty
from his voice.
"Say yes, please. I'll do anything."
"Undo what you've done and give me your soul?"
"Except that."
"Then don't waste my time."
"Nonononono.. don't hang up. I'm really, really desperate. Look, I'm
one my knees." Sure enough, CHAOS Engineer had walked around the front of his
desk and was down on the floors on his knees in supplicating posture. "I'm
begging you, please be my villain. Please?"
"Give me what I want."
"I can't."
"Then no." Satan hung up immediately afterwards.
"Drats. Looks like I'll just have to get Omegas instead."
*****
WILL CHAOS ENGINEER HAVE TO PLEAD AND WHEEDLE OMEGAS???
HOW LONG BEFORE HE POSTS ANOTHER SFSTORY EPISODE???
HOW LONG BEFORE BILL PAUL FINISHES UP HIS CURRENT SUPERGUY STORY-LINE
SO THE REST OF US CAN CONTINUE WITHOUT SCREWING UP CONTINUITY??? (HINT HINT
HINT)
Find out soon on the Superguy listserv!
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 14 Feb 1992 15:22:00 EDT
Reply-To: UCF SUPERGUY List (SUPERGUY at UCF1VM.BITNET)
Sender: UCF SUPERGUY List (SUPERGUY at UCF1VM.BITNET)
From: Duke da Duck (COONEY at HARTFORD.BITNET)
Subject: SF: Gary Hunt "...and Don't Forget The Crutons!" #0
(The "I Left My Left Artery in Nebula Four" saga continues)
G A R Y H U N T
"... AND DON'T FORGET THE CRUTONS"
ISSUE 0
"A Funny Thing Happened On the Way To The Planet..."
(By Ken Cooney)
It was dark -- dark dark -- pitch black dark -- and within this dark
was a small grey ship, well, mostly grey primer, but that was besides the point.
Anyways, it was just an average class ship, with the typical cloaking device,
warp drive, and shields. Within the ship sat a single man known as Gary Hunt.
A man who had a single task, to preseve Earth. A task with a single problem,
Earth was destroyed.
Within his database files, the story was well documented, and quite
a story indeed. Still, with his mission in ruins, Gary sat there in the
chair, in the dark, in the ship that sat in the void that was once Earth.
"What should I do?" Gary asked himself.
"There's not enough information present for me to help ya, kid." Xog,
the synthetic, biodegradable water flounder replied, as he entered the bridge.
"Xog?" Gary asked, "How'd you get here, I thought that I was alone."
"I'm not here," Xog answered, "I'm a figment of my imagination."
"Oh," Gary muttered, not quite understanding, "Why are you here? I
thought you were destroyed with the rest of the debris that was once Earth."
"I was, you idiot!" Xog restated, as he slurped a swig water from his
glass, "I'm not really HERE ... I'm up here."
Xog pointed to his head, "Got it?"
"Oh." Gary replied, now totally confused.
"Look, I'm like a conscience." Xog clearified.
"I got a conscience?" Gary asked, confused.
"No, you lame brain, you ain't got one, it wasn't in your programming."
Xog stated, "Consciences weren't released until a much later model. You just
got figments."
"That's right." Gary replied, scratching his head.
"You're not that bright, either." Xog stated, looking out of the window,
looking at the dead of space.
"Woah! That's a doozie!" Xog gasped, "Not even Earth dust."
"Why are you here?" Gary asked.
"Oh yeah, I was to help you figure out what to do." Xog stated as he
drank a swig of water, "You know, I'm gonna miss Earth water."
"Well, what am I to do?" Gary wondered, rubbing his hands over his
face, trying to relieve some tension.
"I'm not sure." Xog answer.
"But you said-"
"I know what I said, but I never said that I KNEW what to do. Besides,
I'm kind of new to this racket - this is my first planet blowout." Xog mumbled
to himself, as he turned back to Gary.
"How about that time stuff?" Gary asked, "You know, Frankenstein."
"You mean that wacko with the funny hair?" Xog asked.
"Yeah, we could make a time loop thingie." Gary mentioned.
"Well, it's worth a shot."
Gary sat down and pressed a few buttons.
"Ready?" Gary asked.
"I'm always ready."
Gary pulled a lever and the ship hurled around in wide arching circles,
going faster and faster, beyond the speed of sound and into the speed of light.
"Hit the perpetual motion drive!" Xog screamed.
A loud wooshing sound filled the room as the ship broke the light
barrier. The ship started to shake violently.
"STOP THE SHIP BEFORE IT BREAKS UP!!!" Xog yelled.
The ship screached to a halt.
"I feel sick." Gary muttered, holding his stomach.
"Anything?" Xog asked, moving toward the window.
"Nothing." Gary replied, glancing at the blurred screen.
"Well, Einstein was a quack anyways." Xog noted as he took another
slurp of drink.
"Well, what do we do now?" Gary asked.
"Well, we COULD create another planet..." Xog started.
"How?" Gary asked.
"Use the particle ray." Xog stated, "Rather than just collecting the
space dust and particles, we'll be recomposing it to a planet."
Gary typed away at the keyboard.
-- access particle ray at 360 degree x-y-z spread
*** processing ***
A blue beam collected all of the dust and particles around the ship.
Small atoms formed clusters, and those clusters formed bigger clusters.
*** particle compression complete ***
--- compose to database storage: /USR0/LOST+FOUND/PLANET/
=) query name?
"Earth." Gary replied, typing away.
It was dark -- dark dark -- pitch black dark within this dark was a
small grey ship -- beside the ship was a planet -- Earht.
"YOU IDIOT!!!" Xog yelled.
"WHAT!?!" Gary muttered.
"You goofed, you knuckle head!!" Xog shouted as he pointed to the
computer display that stated "*** created planet Earht ***".
"It's ONLY a typo." Gary noted.
"ONLY a typo?!!" Xog cursed, "Do you realize what we've done?!"
"So, we fudge the database and change the name." Gary stated, typing
away at the keyboard, "And no one would know!"
Xog mumbled to himself in obscure water flounder curses that probably
translated into "neanderthal buffoon".
"Look, we're low on fuel, we better land." Xog noted.
"Gotcha!" Gary said, landing the ship.
The ship softly landed on the ocean and submerged.
"I'll teleport to the surface to get food." Gary said.
"So why are you tell ME that?!!" Xog mentioned, "I'm a freaking
figment! I can't do anything BUT follow you, you dork!"
"Oh yeah." Gary replied, still not used to the figment idea.
WHO IS GARY?!!
WHO IS XOG?!!
WHO IS READING THIS?!!
WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?!!
NOW THAT THERE'S AN ISSUE 0 WILL THERE EVER BE AN ISSUE -1?!!
WILL ANYONE READ THE "I LEFT MY LEFT ARTERY IN NEBULA FOUR" SAGA?!!
WILL I EVER GET AROUND TO RELEASING IT?!!
WILL ANYONE CARE?!!
WILL ANYONE HAVE A WARPED ENOUGH MIND TO CATCH THE NEXT EPISODE?!!
DOES ANYONE HERE HAVE A MIND (OR A FACSIMALIE THEREOF)?!!
NOW THAT THERE'S *FINALLY* AN SF POST, WILL THERE BE MORE SF POSTS?!!
STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT PATHETICALLY SHORT, TYPO-PACKED EPISODE !!!!
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 18 Feb 1992 09:42:00 EDT
Reply-To: UCF SUPERGUY List (SUPERGUY at UCF1VM.BITNET)
Sender: UCF SUPERGUY List (SUPERGUY at UCF1VM.BITNET)
From: Duke da Duck (COONEY at HARTFORD.BITNET)
Subject: SF: Gary Hunt "And Don't Forget The Crutons..." #1
(The "I Left My Left Artery in Nebula Four" saga continues)
G A R Y H U N T
"... AND DON'T FORGET THE CRUTONS"
ISSUE 1
"It's life, Captain, but not as we know it"
(By Ken Cooney)
Gary and Xog, his synthetic, biodegradable water flounder figment walked
to the ship's teleporter.
-- Cat Hunt Xog /dev/teleport
*** error, second parameter not found ***
"I'm a figment, remember?" Xog reminded Gary.
"Oh yeah." Gary muttered, entering in the correct command.
.
` '
~ pip! .
'
. `
.
` '
. pop! ~
' `.
.
The two bamfed onto a island beach. Gary reached into his back pocket
and grabbed his proton compass.
"The nearest deposit of Plutonium is bearing 15 degrees north east."
Gary said, pointing toward the jungle.
Gary and Xog walked through the jungle. Xog, being a figment, found
it quite easy since he could walk through the flora. Gary, on the other hand,
had to use his hand held laser to cut through the vegitation.
"Wait." Xog said as he stopped.
"What is it?" Gary asked.
"I heard voices." Xog answered in a whisper.
"Xog?"
"What is it?"
"Why are you whispering?" Gary wondered, "You're a figment. No one can
hear you."
"Don't ask ME!" Xog bellowed, "I'm YOUR figment!"
"Oh." Gary muttered.
"Oh, look!" a happy sounding voice replied, "Another disciple!"
"Disciple?" Gary asked as he turned to the voice.
Gary saw a grinning, clean shaved, clean cut, sparkling clean skin,
martinized and clean suit wearing man. Xog almost heaved his water since he was
not used to such cleanliness.
"Yes." the man continued, shaking Gary's hand, "I'm sure you've seen me
on tv!"
"I'm sorry, but I don't have a tv." Gary muttered.
"What about radio?"
"Don't have one of those, either."
"Newspaper or magazines?" the man continued, obviously baffled that
Gary didn't recognize him.
"To be honest, I don't have anything." Gary replied.
"Good good good!" the man rejoiced.
Xog and Gary looked at eachother confused.
"You already gave away all of your personal possessions!" the man
smiled.
"This guy sounds like a quack." Xog noted.
"I'm Larry Conners, a tv evangelist." the man introduced himself.
"I told you he was a quack." Xog commented.
"Shh." Gary replied.
"Oh, those voices you hear," Larry mentioned, thinking Gary was
refering to him, "those are other tv evangelists. We all live here alone."
"Like a sort of prison." Xog reasoned.
"So, you're looking for God?" Gary concluded.
"No," Larry corrected, "We're looking for the one true Coke."
"You created Hell, Gary!!!" Xog yelled, grabbing Gary's shirt, "A
friggen Hell, you hear me?!!"
"Would you like to join us?" Larry asked.
"NO! NO! NO! Anything but that!" Xog screamed, putting his fins on
his head.
"Well..." Gary started.
"NO!" Xog yelled.
"Yes." Gary finished.
"ARRRGHH!" Xog bellowed, "I've died and gone to Mister Rogers' Hell!!"
Gary followed Larry through the pathways (Xog went reluctantly). After
a short period of time, they heard some chanting. As they approached closer,
they saw another evangelist on a stage behind a pulpit preaching to the others.
On the aisle toward the steps that went to the stage were a couple of other
evangelists, all carrying white tags. Behind the pulpit was a sign that stated
"Now Serving Number" and in glowing letters, the number 12.
"Come on, you've been up there long enough." the man in the front of
the line complained.
"Oh, all right!" the evangelist moaned, as he stepped down. The number
on the sign changed to 13.
"Great." Xog sarcastically commented, "We're just in time to hear
number 13 speak."
"Brothers and Sisters." the new evangelist spoke, "There's nothing like
the real thing, babe. There's nothing like the real thing. We all know that
Coke is it. So, let's all sing out hearts out the one true Coke!"
The whole evangelist congregation stood up, each holding a coke bottle
with a candle on it, "If I could buy the world a Coke, in perfect harmony-"
"I think I'm gonna puke!" Xog moaned, holding his stomache.
"SILENCE!" a man yelled.
"There is a God!" Xog said, releaved.
A man with a bald spot walked up to the pulpit and tacked on a piece
of parchment.
"Luther, what's the meaning of this?!!" Larry demanded, tearing the
sheet off of the pulpit.
"I'm starting my own religion!" the man stated aloud, "This Coke
worshiping is rediculous!"
"FINALLY, someone with some brains and common sense!!!" Xog replied.
"PEPSI is the right one, babe!" Luther announced.
"Now I KNOW I'm gonna be sick!" Xog gasped as he heaved.
WILL THE TV EVANGELISTS FIND THE ONE TRUE COKE?
IS THIS EPISODE A BLATANT ADVERTISEMENT FOR COKE?
WILL THE AUTHOR BE THE NEW ENDORSOR FOR COKE BY-PRODUCTS?
WILL ANYONE READ ISSUE 3 (WHICH IS REALLY ISSUE 2)???
HAS MY SF POSTS SCARED AWAY ALL OF THE OTHER SF AUTHORS???
WILL THIS AUTHOR DIE A CRUEL AND UNUSUAL DEATH BECAUSE OF THIS POST???
CONTINUED IN THE NEXT NON-PROFIT EPISODE !!!!
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