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Sfstory Log 026

=========================================================================
Subject:     Wherein Nathan rambles on for a while...
From:        Nathan Irwin (UD140680 at NDSUVM1)
 
     Up in Alterverse 233DonttryitAuthorsonly, the powerful entity
known to Sf_Story readers as Nathan was brooding.
 
     After a short while, however, Nathan discovered that brooding was
bad for his back.  So, he relaxed the muscles of his back, released as
much tension as possible, and returned to his brooding.  After all, he
had quite a bit to brood ABOUT.  Pat had apparently gone on vacation, as
had Cowboy and Scott, and Eric was either too ill or too busy at play
practice to use his BITNET account much.  In addition, he had to contend
with Dragon, who seemed to be an aspiring new author, and the subversive
machinations of Dr. Young.  To make matters worse, Nathan could not think
of a decent way to continue his storyline.  Putting Zark under the
control of the Dvax5 computer, he had assumed, would allow him to stall
for a few days, before coming up with a real plot.  However, it was now
time to continue his plot, even if it involved a rather lengthy analysis
of an author's psyche as he prepares to write another posting, which was
what Nathan was now doing.
 
     (Deep Breath)
 
     Having nothing better to do, Nathan began to mega-dose on vitamin C
pills until his computer terminal started to look vaguely like Ernest
Borgnine.  He then began to write the following posting:
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 
The WS Edwin Meese III was sitting on the far side of Quaznit, one of the
two moons of the planet Oonglagaloonga.  In the engineering section, Stu
the Friendly Ghost (in the form of Michael J. Fox) was working on the
ship's engines, preparing them for the soon-to-come invasion of
Oonglagaloonga, itself.  On the bridge, Time Lieutenant (Captain wanna-
be and general suck-up) Zark Flyby was glaring at two of his crewbeings,
Bubba Wojohowitz and Smugmuggle.  Bubba and Smugmuggle were trying to
draw up a plan to invade Oonglagaloonga, and not succeeding.
 
     In his cabin, Louie Stevens was eating the last of the tuna-fish
sandwhiches he had brought from Earth.  Invading Oonglaloonga was about
the last thing on his mind.
 
     And, in the ship's cargo bay, Freddy the Super-Destructive,
Carnivorous Gerbil from Glucose VII was munching on certain sections of
the Meese III's electrical wiring.  Of course, this had absolutley NO
impact on the ability of the Meese III to tackle the entire
Oonglagaloongan Starfleet.  Really!  TRUST me.
 
     Had the crew of the Meese II known of Freddy's activities, they
would have immediately beat his brains out with Hypertechnical Crowbars.
 
     However, they didn't.  That's the way the cookie bounces.
 
     Back on the Bridge:
 
     "Get a MOVE on, you lazy goldbrickers!" yelled Zark.  "Don'cha know
we got us a PLANET to invade?"
 
     "Hold on, Zark," Bubba replied, "I think Smuggy, here, may be on to
something.  Go on."
 
     "Er,...Ah,...I was simply saying" said Smugmuggle, "that my people
did not invade the planet Earth, simply to overrun it."
 
     "Then why DID you?" Zark demanded.
 
     "Because the Great and Almighty Mushnik ordered us too."
 
     "Who's HE?"
 
     "Our GOD."
 
     "Oh."
 
     "Even now," said Smugmuggle, "my people rally around the Temple of
Mushnik, in the sacred city of Scward, to prepare an invasion fleet."
 
     "Why do they wanna do THAT?" yelled Bubba.
 
     "Because." said Smugmuggle, "They know that the Holy Hamster of
Zickleweed the Conqueror will protect them in battle."
 
     "The Holy Hamster of....." began Bubba, "Hey, ZARK!  Get OVER here.
I've got a PLAN."
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 
     For the sake of the readers, the author now skips directly to the
invasion of Oonglagaloonga.  *NI* Where are my vitamin C pills? *NI*
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 
     At Zark's command, the WS Edwin Meese III lifted off from Quaznit
and raced towards Oonglagaloonga.  Smugmuggle helped Bubba pilot the ship
through a rather conspicuous "hole" in the Oonglagaloongan defense
network.  Then, Bubba guided the ship to the sacred city of Scward, as
per Zark's orders.  This process was helped considerably by the number of
billboards around that read things like, "This way to the Sacred City of
Scward." and "Holy Hamster of Zickleweed - Exit 291 - 4 miles".
 
     Bubba landed the ship in front of the gates to the Holy Temple, and
the crew disembarked.  Out on the horizon, they could see a mob of
Oonglagaloongans, marching toward them.
 
     "Now what, boss?" asked Bubba.
 
     "Um.  I dunno," said Zark, "We'll have to wait for Nathan's next
posting, I guess.
 
     Up in Alterverse 233donttryitauthorsonly, Nathan turned out the
lights and went home to look for more vitamin C pills.
 
***** Entry appended 03:26 on Sat, 07/23/88 by UD140680 at NDSUVM1  # 293 *****
=========================================================================
Subject:     The Prophecy
From:        Rainmaker (IO80222 at MAINE)
 
   The party in the Dragon's Lair was still going on six days later.  In
fact, the fireballs that everyone was drinking were getting quite a bit
stronger (more Spam juice), and everyone was really getting out of hand.
After going on an angel raid on Heaven, they went out to a warehouse and
purchased a crateful of Acme Portable Black Holes.  (They ran into Wile
E. Coyote while at the Acme warehouse, but that's an entirely different
story.)  For a few hours, they had fun destroying universes, seemingly at
random.  But actually it wasn't random; they just destroyed any universe
whose name had a "P" in it.
   "Nice party," said some normal, everyday guy.
   (8:[  Thanks, John Q. Public  ]:8)
   As the party raged on, many other fun and exciting things happened.
Lord Sabre and Jesus Christ got into an arguement about creationism vs.
evolution.  Lord Sabre just couldn't believe that man evolved from
monkeys.  And, of course, Dragon didn't even believe Jesus existed and,
being a bit drunk (Did I say, "a bit"???) tried to walk through Him.
   It didn't work.
   As Rainmaker was laughing at Dragon's failed attempt, the green-and-
gold scaled, multi-tonned, fire-breathing, sharp-toothed, red-eyed,
thick-skinned, halitosis-laden, and slightly overweight member of the
species Sauria Wickedhugeicus tripped over Jesus and landed smack on top
of Rainmaker.
   Rainmaker said, "'"'"  BWAP!  "'"'"
   (These --- "'"'" are raindrops, for the slower of you.)
   All of a sudden, everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at
Rainmaker.  An earthly (and, for that matter, un-Dragon's-Lair-ly)
silence fell upon the party.  Dragon got off Rainmaker in such a hurry
that he almost flattened nearby Nathan in the process.
   Silence.
   Rainmaker looked around, noticing that he was the only one moving and
also noticing that he was the only one not looking at him.  He gulped.
   O8:[  What did you say?  ]:8O
   He was almost whispering.  He paced his words as if he was afraid that
they would bump into each other.
   Rainmaker gulped again.
   "'"'"  I ... I said, 'Bwap'.  "'"'"
   O8:[  You said what???  ]:8O
   "Was his expression amazed?" Rainmaker wondered, "Scared?  Angry?"
   Lord Sabre shook his finger at Dragon.
   |-}-------  Hey!  You look just like Pete's Dragon!  -------{-|
   Everyone glared at Lord Sabre.
   |-}-------  Sorry!  -------{-|
   Then he gulped down another fireball.
   "'"'"  I just said, 'Bwap'.  "'"'"
   O8:[  You said...'Bwap'  ]:8O
   The Dragon seemed to spit out the final word.  Then...
   (8:[  He said, 'Bwap!'  Bwap!  Bwap!  Bwap!  ]:8)
   Everyone cheered, looking around at each other excitedly.  "Bwap!
Bwap!" shouted everybody.
   (8:[  It really was true!  It really was!  ]:8)
   "'"'"  What is true?  What?  "'"'"
   By this time, Rainmaker had begun to suspect that everyone but he had
had their drinks laced with something really nasty, like Yahoo Chocolate
Soda.  Dragon looked at Rainmaker incredulously.
   (8:[  The Prophecy!  You mean you don't know about The Prophecy?  ]:8)
   "'"'"  No!  What prophecy?  "'"'"
   (8:[  No, not prophecy, Prophecy.  The Prophecy. It's from one of the
lost books of the Bible that was found by the same people that found
Hitler's diaries.  ]:8)
   He looks around and finds an old, leather-bound book, turning its
pages
   (8:[  Here it is.  The Second Epistle of Harold.  Lesse, here...  ]:8)
   He began reading...
 
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
WHAT IS THE PROPHECY?
WHY HASN'T RAINMAKER HEARD OF IT BEFORE?
HOW BAD IS EVERYONE'S HANGOVER GOING TO BE?
IS IT A WASTE OF MY TIME TO START APPENDING TO THIS DISCUSSION?
 
***** Entry appended 18:36 on Sat, 07/23/88 by IO80222 at MAINE     # 294 *****
=========================================================================
Subject:     Second Harold, Chapter Sixteen
From:        Rainmaker (IO80222 at MAINE)
 
 --1--And the word of the Lord came unto Harold, a prophet and servant of
Jesus Christ, saying,
 --2--Verily, verily, I say unto thee, in the latter time there shall be
much weeping and gnashing of teeth;
 --3--And whilestevertohitherthenceforth there shall also be many signs
which I will shew unto you,
 --4--The first of these is this: the speaking of tongues; withersoever
thou meetest an bretheren in thine street, thou shalt say unto him the
very same which he hast said unto you: An aye for an aye and a bl00p for
a bl00p.
 --5--(Jesus wept.)
 --6--The latter of these signs is likewise as unto the first, for until
the day of hte coming of hte end, there shall no man say that word which
is sacred,
 --7--This holy word is the sign of the coming of the end of times and
thus sayeth the Lond, the sacred word is this, Bwap.
 --8--And in those times after the word is spoken, it shall come to pass
that the end shall be at hand and no man, or any creature in the sea, or
creature that crawleth under the sea, or that which flieth amongst the
skies, or dwellest on the land or under the earth shall be able to deny
that the end is at hand;
 --9--But, Rejoice, and be of good courage, for verily I say unto thee,
the end shall be an exceedingly good time of great joy and all manner of
massive partying.
 --10--And, nigh, the hour is yet at hand.
 
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
 
IS THIS THE PROPHECY?
WHO EXACTLY IS ST. HAROLD?
WHAT IS THE REST OF THE EPISTLE OF SECOND HAROLD ABOUT?
WHAT WAS ST. HARLOD'S FAVORITE DRINK?
WHY DID I STOOP TO DOING THAT AWFUL "EYE FOR AN EYE, TOOTH FOR A TOOTH
   PUN?
 
***** Entry appended 18:37 on Sat, 07/23/88 by IO80222 at MAINE     # 295 *****
=========================================================================
Subject:     Yeah, this is the last entry...
From:        Rainmaker (IO80222 at MAINE)
 
   "'"'"  So you mean before me, no one had ever said, 'Bwap?'  "'"'"
   (8:[  That's right!  ]:8)
   "'"'"  That's stupid!  I mean, SOMEbody, SOMEtime, SOMEwhere must've
said it before!  "'"'"
   (8:[  Nope!  Never!  I'd never even read it aloud from Second Harold
before today!  You were the one.  You were the one to speak The Utterance
Of Bwap.  But now it's time to party!  ]:8))
   And in the back of the lair, a small, black figure lurked sneekily.
 
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
 
WHO IS THE SMALL, BLACK FIGURE?
WHERE DID HE LEARN TO LURK LIKE THAT?
IS IT TOO OBVIOUS THAT I'M STILL SAVING ALL OF MY GOOD MATERIAL FOR THE
   JQP_STORY DISCUSSION?
IS CYNDI LAUPER *SERIOUSLY* GONNA STAR IN A MOVIE?
 
***** Entry appended 18:38 on Sat, 07/23/88 by IO80222 at MAINE     # 296 *****
=========================================================================
Subject:     Dar, the cat, and Spamology 2
From:        Dr Abigail Ann Young (YOUNG at UTOREPAS)
 
Only after many months of study did the microfilm of von Spleen's
thesis notes give up its secrets.  But in the end, Dar was not
only the most famous Red-Rose-Tea-ologist in the PBEPDBs' altiverse,
but the only SPAMologist there.  It had realised that as long as
it had a supply of SPAM, and kept properties of this substance a
secret, it could control not only its own altiverse, but also
any altiverse in which it could manifest itself through the powers
of really HOT tea.  It could in short dominate not simply the
world but all the altiverses!!!
 
At this point in Dar's musings upon the chain of events which
had brought it to this cafe for computer accounts, it began to
slowly and shimmer like a classic Star Trek transporter effect.
Soon Dar had disappeared:  back in its lab, the tea was getting
cold!
 
And what, Gentle Reader, of the scene in the pub in the editors-
only altiverse?  When we last saw our 'heroes,' the mad doctor
and her lexicographical henchmen, she was drenched with the
lager Dar had spilt in order to prevent her from revealing its
identity as a PBEPDB and they were staying out of her way....
 
 
HOW WILL THE DOCTOR REACT TO THE LOSS OF HER ESSENTIAL ASSOCIATE?
 
HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE DAR JEELING, RED-ROSE-TEA-OLOGIST EXTRAORDINAIRE
TO BREW UP ANOTHER POT OF SUFFICIENTLY STRONG HOT TEA TO RETURN HIM
TO OUR SPACE/TIME?
 
WILL OUR HEROES DISCOVER THESE PLOTS AGAINST THEM BEFORE IT IS TOO
LATE?
 
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
***** Entry appended 17:36 on Mon, 07/25/88 by YOUNG at UTOREPAS    # 297 *****
=========================================================================
Subject:     A letter recieved in the Author's Altiverse....
From:        Dr. Roland Alfred Burns, Jr. (BURNS at MAINE)
 
 
 
     A note arrived in the offices of Sfstory (which we are
not ever ever going to acknowledge has this dumb imbedded blank in the title.)
The note read:
 
+----------------------------------------------------------+
|                                                          |
|    Dear sirs,                                            |
|    Eric, Lord Sabre is very ill and also opens in his    |
| play tonight, so he could not send this letter himself.  |
| I therefore am writing it for him.  He would like to     |
| remind the authors of Sfstory (specifically Rainmaker    |
| and Dragon, who are new on the block) of the agreement   |
| of the JEFF SMITH ACCORD--wherin Divine beings like God  |
| or Jesus Christ will NOT be used unless there is A). a   |
| Science Fiction element involved, and B). It has to do   |
| with a Plotline.  In other words, STOP MUCKING WITH THE  |
| UNIVERSE AND GET TO WRITING GOOD OLD SCI FI!!!!!!  If    |
| you'd druther not--do like Rainmaker himself and start a |
| whole new CSNOTICE story....                             |
|                                   sincerely yours,       |
|                                  Dr. Roland, Lord        |
|                                    Claymore, Eric's      |
|                                    father and the        |
|                                    owner of the account  |
| p.s.  Eric no longer resides in the Author's altiverse,  |
|   and asks not to be included in 'Author entries.'  He   |
|   also says to put a few 'smileys' in this letter, but   |
|   I'm not really certain what they are....               |
|                                                          |
+----------------------------------------------------------+
 
 
     The various authors read through this, and stuck it in one
of Dr. Young's dictionaries before moving on to plan exciting stories.
Well, actually, they all went to sleep.
 
***** Entry appended 15:13 on Wed, 07/27/88 by BURNS at MAINE       # 299 *****
=========================================================================
Subject:     Wherein 'The Plan' is revealed, and bad things
From:        Nathan Irwin (UD140680 at NDSUVM1)
 
     Nathan was up in Alterverse 233donttryitauthorsonly, reclining in
his favorite easy chair, after a hard day's work (walking the dog).
Just the day before, he had helped Sabre carry the last of his boxes to
his new digs (in an unlisted alterverse - sorry, guys.).  Nathan was now
the sole resident of the Author's alterverse, and he took advantage of
his status to do a little housecleaning.  First, he repaired all the
damage done by Dragon's party next door.  Then he soundproofed and
Dragon-proofed the alterverse, to insure that he would be able to sleep,
now matter HOW hard Dragon partied.  He also fixed the wrought-iron
staircase that connected 233donttryitauthorsonly and Heaven, so that it
ran DOWN in both directions, as it originally had.  He also stocked the
fridge with enough pizza, classic coke, and ham sandwhiches to choke a
moose (or is that m00se? - I forget).  He then logged on to his BITNET
account and started another posting to Sfstory (DEATH to imbedded blanks!
This means WAR!!!)
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 
     "Okay, guys," said Bubba, "Here's The Plan.  We break into the
temple and find that Holy Hamster of Whoever..."
 
     "Zickleweed." Smugmuggle said quietly.
 
     "Yeah.  Of Zickleweed.  Then, we hold it for hostage.  We don't
release it until the Oonglagaloongans agree to halt their invasion of
Earth.  Has everyone got that?"
 
     "Yes." replied Stu the Ghost, now in the form of Pat Sajak.
 
     "Stu, you stay behind and protect the ship from that crowd," Bubba
ordered, gesturing to the 20,000 or so Oonglagaloongans heading for them,
"If necessary, fire a few warning shots to frighten 'em up."
 
     "Why don't ya let ME frighten 'em up?" yelled Time Lieutenant Zark
Flyby, waving the Mega-Enhanced Auto-Nuker (MEAN) he had found aboard his
ship, the WS Edwin Meese III, "If you leave ME in charge, I'll frighten
'em REAL good!!!!"
 
     "That's exactly what I'm AFRAID of." thought Bubba to himself.
 
     "Boy, that Omniviolent super-account sure has changed Zark." thought
Stu.
 
     *NI* That sure was clever - the way I used Bubba's and Stu's
thoughts to show the readers how dangerous Zark is becoming.  *NI*
 
     "Hopefully, Zark, that won't be necessary.  Now, Smugmuggle, are you
SURE you can lead us to where the Hamster is kept?"
 
     "Yes." answered Smugmuggle.
 
     "Good.  Let's go."
 
     With that, Bubba open the solid-gold gate to the Holy Temple of
Mushnik, and led Zark, Louie, and Smugmuggle across a small courtyard,
into the temple itself.   Stu climbed on board the Meese III and manned
one of the ship's gunnery positions, keeping an eye on the
Oonglagaloongan army, as it drew closer to the ship.
 
     Inside the temple, Smugmuggle guided his companions past shrines and
altars to a hundred different patron Saints, until they came to a small,
unpretentious, wooden door with an old iron door-knocker on it.  You
know, those hug iron affairs, like you see in all the old movies - the
kind that's so loud, you can hear it in Cleveland when someone in New
Mexico knocks on one?   Yeah, THAT kind.  Well, anyway, it was one of
THEM, and it was BIG, too.
 
     Did I mention that it was made of iron?  Okay, I did.  Well, I guess
I should get on with this, shouldn't I?
 
     "We have two choices." whispered Bubba to his companions, "We can
knock on the door, possibly alerting whoever may be in there to our
presence, or we can..."
 
     "...Or we can bust in there SHOOTING and blow 'em to SMITHEREENS!!!"
Zark almost shouted.  Without waiting for a response, he drew his MEAN,
aimed it at the door, and pulled the trigger.
 
     The door was totally atomized by Zark's blast, and when the smoke
cleared, our four adventurers saw a HUGE room, hundreds of feet long and
wide, with a platoon of Oonglagaloongan soldiers within.
 
     "We're OUTNUMBERED," yelled Bubba, "Run for COVER!"
 
     "We're OUTNUMBERED," yelled Zark, "Let's BLOW'em AWAY!!"
 
     Bubba pulled a Hypertechnical Crowbar out of Louie's flight bag and
clobbered Zark on the head with it.  Then, as Louie fired his ARBSTNM to
create a diversion, he retreated, dragging Zark along with him.  Louie
was close behind him, as were a hundred Oonglagaloongan troops.
 
     Louie and Bubba proceeded to race around the temple for a few
minutes, chased by the Oonglagaloongans.  Eventually, they rounded a dark
corner and ran straight into a wall of solid rock.
 
     "Oh CRIPES," yelled Louie, "a WALL!  Smuggy, how do we get OUT of
here?"
 
     "Where IS he?" asked Bubba, dropping Zark.
 
     "Over HERE, Invaders!" yelled a voice behind them.  They turned
around to see the Oongaloomgan troops.  One of them held was dragging
Smugmuggle's unconscious body behind him, while another had his weapon
aimed at his (Smugmuggle's) head.
 
     "We have caught the traitor, offworlders," said the largest of the
Oonglagaloongans, "Now, put down your weapons or he DIES!!!"
 
     "Don't worry, Louie," Bubba whispered to his companion, "I'll just
call Stu on my intercom.  He'll come after us in the ship."
 
     Suddenly, Bubba's intercom beeped.  "Bubba," came Stu's voice, "I
need HELP out here.  The Oonglagaloongans have managed to capture both
myself and the ship.  They won't release me until we do them a small
favor.  I couldn't quite make it out, but it had something to do with
Vanna White and six tons of Sour Cream'n'Onion dip."
 
     "Whadda we do now, Bub?" asked Louie.
 
WHAT DO THEY DO *NOW*???
WILL BUBBA COME UP WITH SOMETHING???
DOES IT INVOLVE SOUR CREAM'N'ONION DIP???
*SHOULD* IT???
IS THERE *ANY* WAY TO SAVE OUR HEROES???
 
Oops!  I have to be at work in an hour.  Gotta run....
 
***** Entry appended 12:46 on Wed, 08/03/88 by UD140680 at NDSUVM1  # 300 *****
=========================================================================
Subject:     Dar's search for Spam
From:        Dr Abigail Ann Young (YOUNG at UTOREPAS)
 
In its laboratory in the altiverse inhabited by PBEPDB's, Dar brewed
some more tea and thought.  Its first trip into another altiverse
had not been a total success.  On the other hand, it hadn't been a
total failure, either.  It had discovered that the properties of
Spam were as much a mystery to most inhabitants of terrestrial space-
time as they were to the other PBEPDB's, so it had little to fear
from them.  And it had discovered that Spam was available in relative
abundance.  So much for the plus side.  Unfortunately, it had completely
blown its cover and lost the chance to use the Mad Doctor and her
henchmen as unwitting cat's paws in his scheme.  So much for the
minus side.
 
Dar had also discovered that the passage of time in the two altiverses
was by no means synchronized: the long period of time it had spent
cultivating the Mad Doctor, fitting in to her scheme, devising ways
to make her scheme serve his purposes, all took place in the amount
of time it took a pot of tea to cool down below critical temperature
in its own altiverse.  It was afraid that this might create problems
in the future....
 
Dar brooded.  Becoming master of the universe (or rather of the
universes) was not as simple as it had been led to expect.....
How was it to obtain large quantities of Spam and transport
them to its own altiverse?  Even the Mad Doctor was hardly
likely to help him now.....
 
 
Meanwhile, back in the editors' altiverse, the Mad Doctor and her
henchmen were having another pint.  It was still hot, in fact it
was the hottest summer since 1936.  She was quite sure that,
somehow, a man must be responsible for it.  She was also brooding.
 
@@@Our golden opportunity missed!  Without a computer account to
help us, the whole scheme breaks down....[[She sobbed softly into
her glass, a cold pint of Upper Canada Rebellion. The dictionaries
shuffled their pages sympathetically but with some embarassment.
They couldn't care less about sexism, but they shared her passion
for proper spelling.  And although they would have preferred, like
all henchmen, to work for a mad scientist, they were rather fond
of the doctor.]] Now we'll never end sexism or bad spelling!!@@@
 
@@AMAM@@But doctor, I can think of a computer account which would
be GLAD to help us.@@MAMA@@
 
@@NZNZ@@That's right!  Listen, doctor, losing NOED at WATDOCS may
actually be a good thing: the computer account we know is not
only sympathetic to your aims, but VERY powerful.@@ZNZN@@
 
She sipped her malt liquor slowly and in a disturbed way.  The
once-keen brain, now addled by a warped hostility towards men
and modern education (not to mention draught malt liquor), had
difficulty absorbing the possibility that there was still hope
for her mad schemes.
 
@@@What's the name of this account?@@@
 
WHAT IS THE NAME OF THIS ACCOUNT?
 
WILL DAR'S NEW TEA TAKE HIM ON ANOTHER TRIP?
 
WHEN WILL HE LEARN THAT SPAM IS SOLD OVER THE COUNTER IN 50 STATES
AND THE DOMINION OF CANADA?
 
WHAT IF HE DISCOVERS THERE ARE RECIPES FOR MAKING YOUR OWN SPAM??
 
TUNE IN NEXT TIME!!
 
***** Entry appended 17:47 on Thu, 08/04/88 by YOUNG at UTOREPAS    # 301 *****
=========================================================================
Subject:     Wherein Nathan brings this silly plotline to a close
From:        Nathan Irwin (UD140680 at NDSUVM1)
 
     Up in Alterverse 233donttryitauthorsonly, Nathan was installing a
new terminal.  This one had a whole bunch of new buttons on it, buttons
that might come in handy when an author was having trouble writing his
next posting.
 
     *NI* Well, I guess I'll test it out now.  *NI*
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 
     Down on Oonglagaloonga, the leader of the Oonglagaloogan troops
led Louie and Bubba, as well as the now-conscious Smugmuggle and
Zark, out of the temple, to their ship, the WS Edwin Meese III.
Waiting for them were a thousand more troops, and their hostage,
Stu the Ghost.  The Oonglagaloongans promptly lined their captives up
against the temple wall and formed a firing squad.
 
     "Well, Bubba," said Louie to his companion, "it looks like this is
The End."
 
     "It sure does," responded Bubba, "and yet, I was so SURE that Nathan
was somehow going to dream up some plot twist and save our skins."
 
     "Never DID trust them authors," muttered Stu the Ghost.
 
     "READY!" yelled the Oonglagaloongan captain, "AIM...."
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 
     *NI* Oh, SPAM! *NI* thought Nathan, up in Alterverse
233donttryitauthorsonly.  *NI* How am I going to save Bubba and the
gang NOW??  Why didn't I think up a really clever plot twist before
I started this silly posting?!? *NI*  With a sigh, Nathan pressed the
"Come up with clever plot twist and get characters out of jam" button
on his terminal:
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 
     Suddenly, Freddy the Super-Destructive, Carnivorous Gerbil from
Glucose VII burst out of the Meese III's cargo hold.  "Squeeeeeeeaal!!"
he squeaked as he proceeded to eat the first two thousand Oonglagaloongans
he saw.
 
     "It's HIM!" shouted the soldiers, "The Great and Almighty Mushnik
has returned to us!"   Immediately, they droppped their weapons, and
knelt before the Gerbil, offering prayers to him.
 
     "Men," shouted the Oonglagaloongan captain, gesturing to Smugmuggle,
"Release the Holy One and his companions."  Soon, Smugmuggle and the rest
were untied, and carried away on the shoulders of the troops.
 
     "Burp." said Freddy, finshed with his meal.
 
     "I don't GET it, Smuggy," yelled Bubba, "One minute we're about to
be shot, and the next, we're heroes.  What's going ON here?"
 
     "It seems I never told you of The Prophesy, Bubba," responded
Smugmuggle.  Perhaps it is time I did."
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 
     Back in Alterverse 233donttryitauthorsonly, Nathan pressed the "Come
Up with a Prophecy that Ties Together all the Loose Ends" button on his
terminal.
 
     *NI* I could get to LIKE this new terminal, I think. *NI*
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 
     "Many centuries ago, our world was visitted by Mushnik the Great
and Almighty, a giant rodent from outer space.  At the time,
Oonglagaloonga was ruled by the evil Warlords.  Mushnik proceeded to
devour the warlords, and restored peace and happiness to our world.
That is why we worship him."
 
     "However, Mushnik left shortly thereafter.  A prophet predicted
that, one day, one of our people would voyage into space and return with
Mushnik in his ship.  He would become High Priest of Oonglagaloonga, and
he and Mushnik would rule wisely and fairly for many generations.  It was
also predicted that, when he returned, Mushnik would devour two thousand
of our people, just as he devoured the Warlords, to prove hi power."
 
      "It would appear that Mushnik has finally returned." Smugmuggle
concluded.
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 
     Three days later, the WS Edwin Meese III took off from
Oonglagaloonga, minus Freddy and Smugmuggle, who had now officially been
installed as the High Priest of Oonglagaloonga.  The Meese had been fully
repaired by Oonglagaloonga's best technicians, and was ready for new
adventures.
 
     "Bubba," said Zark, sitting in the Meese's command chair, "Set a
course for the Destructionvax5 satellite.  Then, you'll see some REAL
fireworks."
 
     "But Zark," Bubba protested, "We still don't know WHERE the Dvax5
satellite IS."
 
     "Oh.  WELL, then.  I guess we'll have to wait until Nathan comes up
with a new plotline."
 
     "I guess we will." sighed Bubba.
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
     *NI* Too BAD, guys, *NI*  thought Nathan, still in the Authors'
Alterverse, *NI* because *I* am going to Salzburg for two weeks.   Looks
like you'll just have to cool your heels for a while.  Besides, maybe now
I'll be able to come up with a GOOD pltline, for once. *NI*
 
     *NI* But don't get your hopes up. *NI*
 
     And so, Nathan turned off his new terminal, switched off all the
lights in the Authors' Alterverse, and boarded a Pan Am (yecch!) flight
for Salzburg.
 
WILL NATHAN HAVE A GOOD TIME IN SALZBURG???
WILL HE *STAY* THERE AND LEAVE BUBBA AND THE GANG IN LIMBO AGAIN???
WILL HE EVER COME UP WITH A NEW PLOTLINE???
IF SO, WILL IT BE A GOOD ONE???
 
What's the matter?   Don't you guys TRUST me?  :)
 
***** Entry appended 16:56 on Fri, 08/05/88 by UD140680 at NDSUVM1  # 302 *****
=========================================================================
Subject:     I'm baa-aaack...{Guy Gardner, JLI Comics}
From:        Patrick McCoy (cbsqehc at buacca)
 
     In Altiverse #233donttryitauthorsonly, a golden glow softly
illuminated the now dark halls of the authors' mansion.
     ++ Hello? Sabre? Nathan? Is anyone here? ++
     The author known as Patrick McCoy walked out onto the balcony which
he frequented and looked about. He began to worry. It wasn't like his good
friend and bickering companion Eric, Lord Sabre not to come to greet him
upon his return from parts elsewhere. Perhaps Dr. Young had already struck!
     Pat, not one to panic, calmly stepped to the cabinet where he kept
his copy of the book and his indellible ink pens. He then settled down
into his chair and began to read.
     Things started out well enough...well, relatively speaking that is.
Dr. Young had continued to plot and things were looking bad. Things,
however, rapidly digressed from there.
     ++ Eric moved? A party in the Dragon's Lair? Good God! ++
     Patrick mused. It seems that things got somewhat messy after his
departure. Dr. Young was still a possible threat and the story had become
even LESS Science Fictiony, thus causing Lord Sabre to vacate the premises.
Then Natan went on vacation. That wasn't bad, mind you. It was good to
see him get a break, but he was the one author who was able to post
regularly, due to Sabre's work on his play and Pat's own wanderings.
     Pat then walked over to the phone and dialed a number. He had to
talk to someone about this who was in a position of recognized authority.
He was not going to like his calling, but Pat had no choice.
     The phone rang on the other end.
     It rang a second time.
     Then a third.
     |-}------- Hello? Sabre's abode... -------{-|
     ++ Eric! It's Pat... ++
     |-}------- ...I can't come to the phone right now, but if you
leave your name and number I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks,
you're aces...beep -------{-|
     ++ Eric, this is Pat. I'm just calling to see what's going on and if
the subject of the story, Science Fiction, was changed in my absence. Also
I got to see Laura, but I'll say more about that later. Take care. Bye. ++
     Pat walked to the cabinet and picked up his pens. He had some work
to and he might as well get started.
 
     In Time Central, Captain Sean Landorian, who looked and sounded
exactly like Billy Dee Williams, was looking over the internal memoes
to and from Time Police Chief Logan's office. It was standard operating
procedure and excedingly booring work. All in all, Landorian wished he
was with Ian and Floyd in deep space looking for a suspected mole in
Time Central.
     It was at this point that he found the comunique to Time Police
Agent Allecson. It was not too long after this that he found a warrant
pending for the arrest of Time Police Captain Ian Lockheed and First
Lieutenant Floyd Cobalt.
     "Good Lord! He's sending Greez Hyperiock after them! Only Zark
Flyby is more violent than he is."
     Landorian quickly went to Time Police Internal Investigations Head
Felix Cameron, who looked and sounded exactly like Harry Morgan.
 
                   *****************************************
                   * Gargavax Oolant's Pocket Trivia Book  *
                   * indicates that, for reasons not fully *
                   * understood by geneticists, all members*
                   * of the Time Police's Internal Investi-*
                   * gation's Division look and sound      *
                   * exactly like show business celebrities*
                   * of the planet Earth in the Sol 1 solar*
                   * system. This phenomenon is currently  *
                   * under investigation by the department *
                   * as a possible security problem.       *
                   *****************************************
 
     "What can I do for you, Landorian?" asked the Colonel Potter look
alike.
     "I think we have a security problem, sir."
     "I hope you aren't talking about the tendancy of our agents to
attract autograph seekers on earth because, if you are, I've already
been informed."
     "No sir," said Landorian, smiling that chic smile of his, "Look
at this."
     "Jumpin' Jehosephat!" he shouted, "We have to do something!"
 
WHAT WILL THEY DO?
CAN THEY STOP CHIEF LOGAN?
WILL I GET IN TOUCH WITH SABRE?
WILL DR. YOUNG LEARN TO PRASE THE LAST LINE IN LOWER CASE?
 
I guess you'll just have to stick around and find out, won't you.
 
***** Entry appended 18:59 on Fri, 08/05/88 by cbsqehc at buacca    # 303 *****
=========================================================================
Subject:     Back to Buzz...
From:        Patrick McCoy (cbsqehc at buacca)
 
     Buzz completed his routine check of the Rocket Racer V's surroundings.
The sandstorm which had left our intrepid heroes trapped on Schimitar
Prime had almost blown itself out.
     He frowned at this. While he and his companions were ready to leave
Schimitar Prime, his ship was not. He had finished overhauling the Star
Drive and Bert, Tachi and Toni had finished clearing the glass from the
main exhaust tubes two days ago, but he still had to get the ship dug
out from beneath the drifts which had, by now, crept over the Rocket
Racer V's mid-section, and either build a track to launch his ship
from or return it to an upright position to lift-off properly.
     He punched in a data request to his on-board computer (one of the
few non-sentient computers left in SFSTORY). He waited as it processed
the request. He then frowned as the response flashed across the screen.
     "What's wrong, Buzz?" asked Tachi as he entered the cockpit, tying
on an ivory colored apron with kelly green lettering which spelled
'Things are cookin' at Interstellar U.' which matched the chef's hat he
was wearing. Toni had purchased them for him for taking care of her
after the IU Bookstore incedent and because it went so well with his fur.
     "I was hoping that Sherif the Mad had passed away and that his son
was now ruling the planet," Buzz responded, "Unfortunately, he's still
around."
     "Why? Is he more dangerous than Sherif the Second?"
     "They're both dangerous. However, Sherif the Mad is much more
experienced than his son, whose official title is Sherif the Madder.
That makes our escape from here much more difficult. He'll be less apt
to assume we died in the sandstorm."
     "Because he is a more experienced evil villian-type, unlike his son
and Commander Cutebuns?"
     Buzz smiled and turned to face the Zen Master who somehow managed
to keep an air of enlightenment about him as he straightened his chef's
hat.
     "That and he captured Skip Carson, Zip Roberts of the Cosmic
Intelligence Agency, and myself before and we escaped when he assumed
we would die."
     "What happened?" asked Toni as she and Bert stepped into the doorway.
     "Well," Buzz began as he stood up and began to walk towards the
living quarters in the rear of the ship (if you want the floor plans
to the Rocket Racer V as well as other neat info on SFSTORY, E-mail
me with a request for the SFSTORY Sourcebook due out someitime in mid-
to late October), "it was the time the three of us had gone under cover
to get the plans for the Star Bomb. We had been captured after having
placed a microdot copy of the technical readouts behind Zip's left ear.
We were promptly thrown in a ten foot deep pit that contained three
sand sharks without any arms."
     "They cut off your arms?" asked Bert in a concerned voice as Buzz
sat down at the galley table.
     "No, Bert," Buzz responded smiling an ammused smile, "When I said
arms, I meant weapons."
     "Oooohhhh," Bert responded thoughtfuly as Tachi pulled a stool to
the stove so that he could begin a stir-fry.
     "Anyway," Buzz continued, "after making a rather good speech about
our iminent deaths and how it was a pity that we would miss the era
of Schimitarian dominance over the entire galaxy, Sherif left us guarded
by a rather sleepy private and his overstuffed sargent, who was busying
himself with what looked like a pita sandwich.
     "As the three sand sharks began circling us menacingly, their
dorsal fins making a swishing sound as they cut through the sand, we
hastily came up with a plan. Skip and I picked up a large stone and
threw them at the private who clumsily fell into the pit. This brought
the sargent to the edge of the pit. We had picked up another rock in the
intervening time and threw them at the sargent. He melted one with his
heat beam but the other hit him square in the face and he tumbled in
like his compatriot.
     "As they were being torn to pieces by the sand sharks, Skip picked
up a spear which had fallen nearby. Two of the sand sharks had moved to
the larger sargent and had left the partialy eaten private to the other.
Skip killed this one and we took the private's spear and heat gun. Zip
began melting handholds in the wall as Skip and I readied ourselves to
repel the remaining two sharks.
     "Zip had explained to us that they hunted by vibration and smell
and relied very little on the eye stalks at the base of the dorsal fin.
He had also pointed out that they breathe through a blowhole at the top
of the dorsal fin, so we didn't have to wory about them diving for long
periods of time."
     "So you plugged up their blowholes and suffocated them so you could
escape???!!!" interjected Bert.
     "Well, no," Buzz responded, "We didn't have anything to plug the
holes with. However, the blow hole and eye stalks were the weak points
in the sand shark's body. Skip and I managed to fend them off by thrusting
our weapons at these vulnerable points. When Zip had finished, we climbed
out.
     "And now it would appear that Sherif has allied himself with the
very machine which was initially developed to destroy him."
     "It is ironic, isn't it?" said Tachi as he finished dinner and put
on the tea.
     "Can't we do the same thing again?" asked Toni ans she got the
dishes out for dinner.
     "What? Steal the plans for the Dvax5 sattelite?" asked Buzz, "It's
a good idea, but I don't know how we'd get the plans. I've only seen
the plans to the Destructionvax1A Satellite and that's only because Zip
had shown me them. They dismantled that almost immediately and replaced
it with the Dvax1B and then, less than a year later, Dvax2."
     "How many satelites are there?" asked Bert as the four sat down to
dinner.
     "There are currently five in opperation," Buzz responded.
     "Their plans must be somewhere," mussed Toni.
 
ARE THE PLANS SOMEWHERE?
WILL BUZZ AND HIS COMPANIONS FIND THEM?
WILL SABRE HAVE A CONIPTION FIT IF I LET THEM FIND THEM?
WHICH WOULD HE DISLIKE MORE: THE PLANS BEING DISCOVERED OR THE
     RETURN OF LISA BONET?
 
All this and maybe more, maybe less, in SFSTORY!
Who IS responsible for the imbeded line in the title anyway?
 
***** Entry appended 17:54 on Mon, 08/08/88 by cbsqehc at buacca    # 304 *****
=========================================================================
Subject:     What's up with Ian
From:        Patrick McCoy (cbsqehc at buacca)

     Meanwhile, deep in space-time, Time Police Captian Ian Lockheed
and Lieutenant Floyd Cobalt were moving at a guarded pace towards Time
Central in the HMS Syncronicity II.
     "So how are we going to do this?" asked Floyd.
     "I'm not sure," replied the Sting look alike, "but we'd better
come up with something fast. What's our relative position to Time Central?"
     "12 by 2 by 1 by .5, sir."
     "Only a half hour to figure out a plan...," Ian mused.

              *****************************************
              * Gargavax Oolant's Pocket Guide to Time*
              * Travel (Rev. Edition) indicates that  *
              * time-space coordinates are measured in*
              * length, hight, depth (measured in     *
              * parsecs) and time (measured in hours).*
              * These all must be calibrated to a     *
              * central starting point. The standard  *
              * point of reference is Time Police     *
              * Headquarters, known as Time Central,  *
              * in orbit around the star known as     *
              * Foreveryours in the Arthur J. Metcalf *
              * Star Cluster (discovered by a Boston  *
              * University Astronomer in New Boston   *
              * in AD 1993 who wanted a new Science   *
              * and Astronomy Building).              *
              * The fact that Time Central's rotation-*
              * al and revolutionary patterns give it *
              * the exact same day and year as Earth  *
              * in the Sol 1 system is currently under*
              * investigation and is believed to be   *
              * somehow connected to the problems with*
              * its Internal Investigations Department*
              * (see Gargavax Oolants Pocket Trivia   *
              * Book, page 11123).                    *
              *****************************************

     "There's a coded message leaving Time Central, Ian. Top Priority
Channel from the Chief's private line."
     "De-scramble it."
     Floyd punched up the program that, if known, would get the collected
necks of the Internal Investigations Division hung and read the message.
     "You aren't going to like this..."
     "I seldom do," replied Ian as he read the comunique.
     "We're in trouble, aren't we?" asked Floyd in a small, worried
voice.
     "Yes," Ian responded calmly, "We are. Greez Hyperiock is as brutal
as Zark Flyby and as cunning as 357."
     "We should have gone after the girl," Floyd said refering to Trudy
and their meeting with the Intern.
     "No," Ian responded, "He still would be after us and we wouldn't
know about it. I wonder how the Intern is making out with that..."
     "What are we going to do?" asked Floyd impatiently, "Hyperiock
isn't going to bring us in alive."
     "Right. Set a course for Earth, 1988, August 16."
     "Anywhere in particular?" asked Floyd as he began to lay in the
coordinates.
     "New Orleans. The Republican Convention will be in town to give
us some cover."
     "You just want to go wandering through the streets of New Orleans
following some innocent and young girl."
     "Maybe she'll be from a family of means," Ian added, recalling
his Swiss Bank Accounts would be being watched.
     "At least they'll be some shadows there."
     "They'll never see our faces or hear the sounds of our feet," Ian
muttered with a sly smile on his face.

WHY IS THERE A SMILE ON HIS FACE?
DID YOU CATCH THE ALLUSION?
WHAT *IS* HAPPENING WITH THE INTERN AND THE TWO TRUDYS?
WHAT'S UP AT TIME CENTRAL?

Be patient. You'll have to wait to find out. Meanwhile, keep reading
     SFSTORY and keep that fan mail rolling in (all cash donations are
     gladly accepted).

***** Entry appended 13:45 on Thu, 08/11/88 by cbsqehc at buacca    # 305 *****
=========================================================================
Subject:     Eric returns and plots are resumed--get used to it, the school
From:        Eric, Lord Sabre (BURNS at MAINE)

     Eric, Lord Sabre stepped into his abode.  He was tanned and relaxed--
he had spent a goodly amount of time in Ithaca NY with friends...his
play had been a smashing success, and he had finally kicked the ear
infection that had been plaguing him.  In short, he was happy and carefree.
     He stretched and sat down next to his computer terminal.  Some soft
Dan Folgleburg was playing in the background, making Sabre pretty darn
mellow.  Most of his stuff was still in the boxes he and Nathan had
spent so much time and energy moving from the Author's Altiverse.  Of
course, as he was going to be shifting back to his Boston account within
a few days (enll6ac at buacca) he decided not to unpack yet.
     He noticed the terminal was a new model--not as expansive as
Nathan's, but with a goodly amount of buttons to play with.  Of course,
Sabre had an automatic Story Transcriber, and Nathan didn't, so it made
sense that he didn't need quite so hi-tech a terminal.
     He punched a button marked 'Summerize current plotlines of this
particular author,' and read what appeared on the green monochrome screen.
     |-}---------Hmmmmmm...Radar, the Intern, and Matt DeForrest are all
chasing after Alecision--to rescue Young Trudy in time to save Old Trudy.
Ultranatch and Ralph have the Dvax5 sattilite control disk, and are
currently fighting several hundered FART fighters over Martha's Vineyard.
Linda, Steve, Lameduck, and Lucky are in the T.S. Challenger II, speeding
for Earth to get the Dvax5 sattilite control disk from Ultranatch and
Ralph, who are currently fighting several etc etc etc.  And Muck-Luck is
just about to launch his new HyperDreadNought Lets_Kill_Matt_DeForrest,
to do just that with the aid of its onboard computer--Mordred at Deathcom.
Oh...and Destructionvax5's Omnivax Core has assured itself of victory.
Also, Mark Hyperthrust and a Space Ingenue major were also headed for
Earth, to save it from the FART invasion, if they possibly could.
Good place to continue!----------{-|
     Punching up the control program from his story transcriber, Sabre
set it for Ultranatch and Ralph.  He then began to check his e-mail and
his answering machine.

***********************************************************************

     Ultranatch had wiped out about two hundred and fifty FARTS and
had worked up a sweat.  His bioniod assault body, made by Satan's
most nefarious technitions (currently employed by Yalevm) to be able
to survive assaults of this magnitude, strip a continent of all its
lifeforms in just under an hour, rip the magnetic fields off of moderatly
sized stars, and eat a choclate ice cream cone, all at the same time.
The remaining sixteen hundred FARTs didn't worry him.
     What did worry him was the weak link in the equation--Ralph the
Giant Space Weasel from Anthrax V.  Ralph had no ability to protect
himself and no ability to stop this sort of assault, and Ralph had
the HELP capsule wit the disk in it--Ultranatch didn't know what the
signifigence of the disk was, but he imagined it was pretty major,
for this much property damage to have ensued.
     "Ah, the Hell with it," said Ultranatch, who then used his Ultideath
to all beams to wipe out fifteen more of these silly fighters, and three
flocks of geese for good measure, before making a relaxed 45 degree turn
at a lazy mach 8.5.
     Meanwhile, on Martha's Vineyard, Ralph watched a FART fighter
land in a cloud of particularly offensive exhaust.  A pilot--looking
rather like a human being except for his green skin and twelve inch
overbite--stepped out of the fighter and pointed a nasty looking
Star Trek:The Next Generation Dustbuster Phaser at the weasloid's
face.
     "Good morning," said Ralph cheerfully, "could I interest you in a
subscription to GRIT?"
     "Shaddup, furface!  Gimme da Help capsule an' nobbudy gets hoit!"
     "Er...what planet are you from?"
     "Gangstermoviewalkon III, what's it ta you?"
     "Just curious...you do realise I probably shouldn't give you
the HELP capsule."
     "Yah.  You realise dat dis Phaser can melt yer head inta little
drops?"
     "Good point," said Ralph as he held the HELP capsule out to the
pilot with a slight grin on his face and a pleasent disposition.
     "Tanks," said the pilot, who accepted it eagerly, remembering the
reward Itself had promised to whoever recovered the capsule.  "Hey,
dere a John around here?"
     "Yes, right in the ruind of tht McDonalds." said Ralph, pointing.
     "Tanks--yer ok for a chipmunk," said the piolet, who turned
to walk inside the shattered building.  He then stopped suddenly as
Ralph smashed him in the back if the head with his ukulele.
     "BBBlllllaaaaaaannng," said the ukulele.
     "Ooookkkk," said the pilot.
     "Thud," said the pilot's body as it hit the ground.
     "How depressingly stupid," said Ralph as he kicked the pilot
in the head to check if he were consious, dropped the broken Ukulele,
and picked up the HELP capsule and the phaser.
     Above, Ultranatch detected another wave of sixteen hundred
FARTs launch from the mothership.  Unfortunaly, Ultranatch couldn't wipe
out the mothership without leaving Ralph unprotected--life really was
a bitch.
     On board the mothership, a large purple mass of disgusting
tenticles was watching the battle reports with some chagrin.  Despite the
overwhelming odds against the puny planet, the Bionoid was fighting
so well he had prevented them from making any headway at all.
     "Enough of this attrition Sh*t," said the purple mass.  "Launch
the remaining fifteen thousand, two hundred and twelve FARTS!"
     "Sir," said a very cute little masse of green tenticles at the
communications station, "We have a blip heading for us in Suprareal
Space!"
     "What?"
     On board the T.S. Challenger II, Linda was looking into the
more than adaquete sensor screen.  "Captain Vogel," she said, "there's
a Mothership and a bunch of fighters invading Earth!"
     "Not again!" said Steve, who wished just ONCE things would work
out the way they had planned.
     "Heh, sonny...that's a...um...oh yeah, a FART Mothership--has
over Seventeen thousand fighters on it--each enough to blow up yer
abysmally underdeveloped moon."
     "What?"  Steve shook his head.  "Look like its time to play our
'Sfstory-characters-to-the-rescue routine again!  Punch up the battle
computers!"
     On the mothership--"They're attacking sir!"
     "What?  That tiny StarShuttle attacking us?"  The purple mass
was convusled by a laughter that was so clean and pure it infected
the entire bridge crew, who were so amused and just plain happy to
be alive that nobody on board thought to scan the ship, realise it was
a TIME Shuttle, and that an extremely powerful Antichronon cannon had
just been charged and locked onto them.
     "Fire the TIMEKILLER!" shouted Steve.
     "You know, Steve, we're sitting right next to you, you don't
have to shout," said Linda.
     "Oh, sorry," said Steve, appropriatly chagrined.
     "S'ok Sonny," said Lameduck.
     "Mioau," said Lucky the Giant Mutant Ship's Cat.
     The TIMEKILLER fired a beam of purest yelllo, though sometimes Grey.
The beam focused antichronons into tghe mothership--which in this case
countered them by cancelling them out with the chronons already possesed
by the ship.  Unfortunatly, this caused the ship to stop existing in Time,
and therefore in Space.
     The Purple Mass--now plunged into deep space without a ship, had
one tenth of a second to reflect on how utterly nice it was to die
laughing.
     Please also note that all seventeen thousand remaining FARTS also
vanished, just to keep loose ends tied up.
     The T.S. Challenger II set course for Martha's Vineyard.

HOW WILL NATCHWALD AND RALPH REACT TO THE CHALLENGER II?
HOW WILL THE CHALLENGER II REACT TO NATCHWALD AND RALPH?
DO YOU REALLY THINK I SHOULD GET A HAIRCUT BEFORE I GO BACK TO
     BOSTON?
WHY?  YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE!

     These questions and several dozon more like them will possibly
have the answers revealed in the next senses-shattering SFSTORY
CSNOTICE--where we ignore the imbedded blank like the plague!!!!

***** Appended 13:28:48 on 08/22/88, Posting #   306 *****
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