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Sfstory Log 072

Date:         Tue, 18 Apr 1995 00:03:26 -0500
From:         why don't they look? (SWEDE at DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU)
Subject:      SF: Renegade Anarchists III, episode twenty-four
                           RENEGADE ANARCHISTS III:
                            THE WEAVING OF BASKETS
                             (a Tale of Sfstory!)
                                  Episode 24
                                 Gary W. Olson
     Susan B. Anthony grimaced, as she awoke to find a large, friendly dog
licking her face.  She tried to lift her arm, to slice the canine into burger-
size chunks, and realized the dog was sitting upon it.  She tried lifting her
other arm, and realized that it was trapped under Edgar Allen Poe.
     "What... is going on?" she asked, casually.  The bridge was dark, save
for some strange light on the edge of her vision.  Poe was moaning something
about Annabel Lee and a leather teddy.  The dog was drooling stupidly.  Of
the two, Susan decided she would have an easier time talking to the dog.
     "Down, dammit!" she growled at the dog, in her most hellish manner.  To
her complete surprise, the dog stood up and sat down two feet to the left of
her arm, seemingly not at all alarmed by the ferocity of her command.  Her
arm now freed, she used it to pull her other arm out from under Poe.  Both arms
now mobile, she pushed against what she recognized as the celiing of the
bridge and stood.
     "Well, we weren't destroyed," Susan decided.  "Else we'd be back in
Hell (tm) Proper."  She looked down at Poe and kicked him in the stomach.  A
raven flew out of his shirt, cawing mindlessly.  The dog, startled by this,
started barking ferociously, taking off after the raven.  The raven, realizing
that it was in danger of being seriously slobbered upon, flew at speeds
approaching two miles per hour toward the crack in the wall of the bridge that
was admitting light.  Both dog and raven disappeared into the golden light,
leaving Susan alone with Poe.
     "Wake up, Captain," Susan told Poe.  "We've landed."
     "We have?" Poe asked, as Susan lifted him to his feet by his nose.
     "It would appear so," Susan said.  "Otherwise, given the size of the
breach in the bridge, we wouldn't have any air left."
     They walked over to the crack in the wall, which was just large enough
for a person, or a dog, or a raven, to get through.  Susan peered through,
and frowned at what she saw.
     "Hello in there!" Morris Tanner called.  "Can you make it out?"
     "Yes," Susan said, stepping through.  Poe followed, timidly, behind her.
"Where am I?"
     "Freeport, Maine," Morris said.  ", a lot more than
last week, I'd say.  You're the second space vessel to have crashed into our
city so far."
     Susan rotated her head three hundred and sixty degrees, getting her first
look at the situation she was in.  She recognized her ship, the P.L.S. Tell-Tale
Heart (okay, technically it's Poe's ship, but you've already seen what a wimp
he is), broken into several sections, some sections imbedded in the quaint
New England houses and shops, other sections imbedded in the sections of the
space station which were in turn imbedded in still more New England town
buildings.  Here and there some buildings poked out through the metallic
debris, having escaped destruction twice.  Humans and non-humans meadered
the streets aimlessly, and Susan noticed that her troops were among them.
     "What happened?" Susan asked.  "How did my ship land here?"
     "It was weird," Morris said.  "Something about pseudoscience bubbles and
space/netherspace reactions.  Least that's what one of those folks who arrived
in the space station said."
     "I'd like to meet them," Susan said.  She looked down and saw the dog
at Morris's feet, wagging its tail.  The raven was perched on its head, and
the dog seemed completely oblivious to it.
     "Sure thing," Morris answered.  "Come on, Dammit."
     Susan drew her sidearm and shot several holes through Morris.
     "The dog's name is...Dammit..." Morris gasped, before he fell over.
     "Oops," Susan said, as she holstered her laser weapon.  "Oh well.  Come
on, Poe.  Let's see what's going on."
     "Yes, sir," Poe whined, as he followed Susan.
     "Fame and fortune are soon to be mine, Quooth," Niccolo Machiavelli said
through the Holy Harmonica he had connected to the windpipes of the body he
inhabited (that body being Governor Schlub's).  "Once I do my guest stint on
SeaQuest, fame and fortune will be assured!"
     "Pardon my asking," Quooth said, "but didn't you become one with the
higher dimensions a couple series ago?"
     "I did," Machiavelli confirmed.  "That's why I'm here."
     "I see," Quooth said, not seeing at all.  A light started chirruping on
the control panel in front of Quooth, and Quooth pondered it a while, wondering
why a light would chirrup.  He decided to tap the button next to it, to see what
new sound it would make.
     Suddenly and without warning, the Space Toaster lurched out of overly-hyped
space.  The viewscreen in front of Quooth and Machiavelli lit up to display
a bluish-greenish-whiteish-greyish-taupeish blob of a planet directly in front
of them.
     "Earth!" Machiavelli exclaimed.  "Excellent!  Now steer for California."
     Quooth nodded, and reached for the controls.  In doing so, phe rubbed phis
feelers against each other, creating an oddly musical screeching sound.  A
similar noise emanated from the Holy Harmonica, which startled Machiavelli
     "Hey!" Machiavelli yelled.  "How'd you do that?"
     "You do not know the divine secrets of the Holy Harmonica like I do,
disbeliever!" Quooth exclaimed as phe stood and advanced.  "Now give me the
Holy Harmonica before I do something you'll regret!"
     "Stay back!" Machiavelli warned.  "I'll destroy it...I swear!"
     Quooth, in response, lifted his feelers and began playing the haunting
"Torgo's Theme."  The Holy Harmonica answered the tune, eliciting screams from
     The Toaster, meanwhile, entered Earth's gravity well and started falling
rapidly, for those of you out there paying attention to these sorts of things.
     Floyd Cobalt, the blue turtle who was currently in charge of Time Central,
in place of Ian Lockheed, who was out gallavanting about the cosmos, saving
young maidens from hideous beasts and looking uncannily like Gordon Sumner,
glanced at his watch and grimaced.
     "Where is he?" Floyd asked.  "He should have arrived ten minutes ago."
     "Maybe his Ninja Taxi developed a flat," Sean Landorian, a Time Central
Agent and Billy Dee Williams lookalike, suggested.  Floyd scowled, as much as
a blue turtle can scowl, and continued gazing out the beam-sealed hangar
entrance, waiting for Ninja Taxi-Driver to arrive.
     His eye noticed a ship approaching.
     "Does that ship look like a Ninja Taxi to you?" Floyd asked.
     "Not really," Sean said.  "It looks like a psychadaelic VW minibus."
     "Hmmm," Floyd mused.  "It's heading this way, and the defenses aren't
responding to it at all."
     "I hate it when that happens," Landorian commented.
     "They're headed this way," Floyd noted.  "Should we get out of the way
of their landing path?"
     "It would probably be prudent," Landorian agreed.  They sauntered over
to the side, and waited for the minibus to arrive.  Ten minutes later, it
did, touching down and screeching to a halt, rolling over only twice in the
process.  Landorian drew his death blaster, as did Floyd.
     A head wearing a papal hat poked out of the driver's side window of the
minibus and said, "oh, man.  Now I'm seeing blue turtles."
     Another head, this one with reptilian skin and no papal hat, poked out
of the same window.  "And Billy Dee Williams, too!"  Landorian raised his
weapon to take a few potshots, but Floyd motioned for him to hold his fire.
They waited as the occupants of the minibus, namely the two people mentioned
earlier, a small pink elephant, and a Time Agent with prominant sideburns
got out of the vehicle.  Floyd recognized the Time Agent at once.
     "Lark Purree!" Floyd exclaimed.  "There you are!  We got reports that
you were dead!"
     "He may be," one side of Lark's face replied.  "This is Sid.  Johnny and
I are in control of Lark's body -- Lark's not in right now, you see..."
     "What happened to him?" Landorian demanded.  "And who are these people
with you?"
     "A succubus by the name of Melu Ulem stole Lark's soul from this body,"
Johnny replied.  "As for who these people are, let's see...that one's Slithis,
who you've met before."
     "Um, right," Slithis said.  "Briefly."
     "I never met him," Landorian sniffed.
     "You weren't in the second series," Floyd noted.
     "The guy in the funny hat is Pope Joe Don I," Johnny/Lark continued.  "The
pink elephant's name is Beauregard, and the disembodied voice is named Lewis."
     "What disembodied voice?" Floyd asked.
     *I believe he means me,* Lewis said.  *I'd say it's a pleasure to meet
you, but it isn't.*
     "Lewis, behave," Beauregard warned.
     *Make me.*
     Beauregard sighed.
     "Okay, we've met," Landorian said.  "Now why are you here?"
     "We're in pursuit of Ninja Taxi-Cab Driver," Slithis explained.  "He
kidnapped Zen Navigator and was bringing him here.  We intercepted a
transmission that said he should dock in this hangar..."
     "I sent that message," Floyd told him.  "I was waiting here for him
when you showed up."
     "Well, then, if you're here, and we're here, and he's not here," Joe Don
I said.  " means something, doesn't it?"
     "It means we lost them," Sid grumbled.
     "Landorian, have communications review all transmissions from the last
twelve hours," Floyd instructed.  "Report any unauthorized transmissions to me."
     "Right-o," Landorian replied, before turning and heading toward the door.
He noticed a flashing light next to the door, and frowned.  "Sir...there's
another ship coming in."
     "That may be them," Floyd said.  "Let them through."
     "It's not them," Landorian answered.  "It's the H.M.S. Crying Game...that's
Nelburg Kayak's ship!"
     "What's *he* doing here?" Floyd asked.  "Oh, well.  Let him land and I'll
ask him."
     Sometime in the indeterminate amount of time that passed, the Heroically
Manned Ship landed.  Nelburg Kayak emerged as soon as the gangway descended, and
Floyd asked him.
     "I've learned of a grave threat to Time Central," Nelburg answered.
"Sajanseel Boudoir sent Melu Ulem to Earth to assassinate Pope Joe Don I, and
Melu took Lark Purree's soul on the way to Earth..."
     "We know already," Floyd said.
     "I was there," Joe Don I boasted.
     "Ah!" Nelburg exclaimed.  "But what you *don't* know is that Boudoir did
this at the behest of Satan T. Lucifer Jones, in exchange for the formerly
dead soul of our previous Time Chief, Logan..."
     "I know that too," Floyd said.  "Time Agent 173 has been sending me
regular reports on Boudoir's conspiratorial maneuverings."
     "Hmmm," Nelburg said.  "Okay, try this.  In the ABPSARI explosion, which
sent Joe Don I somewhere else, obviously, also hurtled Melu Ulem to the
planet where I was stationed.  Only it put Lark in control of Ulem's body."
     "Lark, in the body of a succubus?" Landorian asked.
     "Yeppers," Nelburg said.  "Lark?  Jerri?  Time to come down."
Jerriphrrt descended from the ship seconds later, helping the apparently
weak body of Melu Ulem down the ramp.
     "Jerriphrrt!" Slithis exclaimed.
     "Slithis!" Jerriphrrt exclaimed.
     "My body!" Melu exclaimed, looking at Lark.
     "Lark!" Sid and Johnny exclaimed.
     "Linda Evans!" Joe Don I exclaimed, looking at Melu.
     "Billy Dee Williams!" Jerriphrrt exclaimed, looking at Sean Landorian.
     "Hey!" Landorian exclaimed.
     "We have to get Lark out of this body and back into his own body, quick,"
Nelburg said.  "It'll kill him, or us, if he stays in there much longer."
     "Yes, we heard about the Taco Bell," Floyd said.  Lark/Melu blushed,
demonically.  "Bring Lark and Lark's body to the Mind Transference Room."
     *There's so much to see and do,* Lewis said, sarcastically.
One, maybe two of these questions will be answered in next episode's Renegade
Anarchists III extra-large season finale, only on SFSTORY!, patent pending.
Gary W. Olson         swede at         swede at drycas.bitnet
Date:         Wed, 26 Apr 1995 08:34:59 -0500
From:         why don't they look? (SWEDE at DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU)
Subject:      SF: Renegade Anarchists III, episode twenty-five (*Season Finale*)
                           RENEGADE ANARCHISTS III:
                            THE ORDERING OF LUNCH
                             (a Tale of Sfstory!)
                                  Episode 25
                                 Gary W. Olson
     "Surrender the Holy Harmonica to me!" Quooth demanded as phe launched into
the greatest hits of Albert Glasser.  The sounds phis feelers made were echoed
by the noises emanating from the Holy Harmonica, which was still affixed to
the neck of the headless Governor Schlub, which was inhabited by Niccolo
     (Yes, that sounds as dumb to me as it does to you.)
     Machiavelli lashed out, belting Quooth in the flagle.  Quooth fell back,
hitting the controls of the Space Toaster.
     "Roop roop roop," said the controls.
     "What did you do?" Machiavelli asked, through the Holy Harmonica.
     "I hit the controls and they went 'roop roop roop,'" Quooth replied.
     "Yes, but what does it mean?"
     "Um... Arsenio's in the house?" Quooth guessed.
     "No, that's 'whoop whoop whoop,'" Machiavelli said.
     "Wait, I know... Betty Boop's in the house?"
     "No, that's 'boop boop be boop,'" Machiavelli replied.  "It should say
what it means on the screen there."
     "Okay," Quooth said, turning to look at the screen.  "It says... 'nice
play, Shakespeare.  Now we're going to crash-land on Earth.'"
     "That could impact negatively on my plan to guest star in 'SeaQuest,'"
Machiavelli mused.  "What should we do?"
     "We should join forces to regain control of the Space Toaster," Quooth
said.  "We're still in the upper atmosphere, there's plenty of time to right
     "But we're not going to do that, are we?" Machiavelli asked.
     "Nope," Quooth answered, as phe launched phimself at Machiavelli, resuming
the battle.
     "Sid, Johnny, stand in Glass Pod One," Floyd instructed.  "Lark, stand in
Glass Pod Two.  The rest of us should stand in Glass Pod Three."
     "Why do we have to get into a Glass Pod?" Jerriphrrt asked.
     "That's where we keep the booze," Floyd explained.
     "Oh, well, you should have said," Jerriphrrt answered.  He, Floyd, Slithis,
Joe Don I, Beauregard, Lewis, Sean Landorian and Nelburg Kayak got into the
Glass Pod marked 'Glass Pod Three' and shut the door.  As Floyd warmed up the
Mind Transference machinery, Joe Don I opened the refridgerator and cheered.
     "Schlitz at last!" he exclaimed.  "How did you know?"
     "I didn't," Floyd said.  "The real booze is in the cabinet next to the
     "I got it," Slithis said.  "Who wants some?"
     "I'll take some," Lark said.
     "Righto, here's your--hey!"
     "You're supposed to go into Glass Pod Two," Floyd said, sternly.
     "But there's no booze in there!" Lark protested.
     "Go!" Floyd ordered.  Lark sighed and went over to Glass Pod Two.  Sid
and Johnny, who had maneuvered Lark's real body into Glass Pod One, waited
patiently.  When Lark shut the door of Glass Pod Two and signaled that he was
ready, Floyd threw the switch.  A wave of party balloons and confetti dropped
down from the ceiling, smothering the floor outside of the Glass Pods.
     "Wrong switch," Beauregard noted, astutely.
     "Now you know why we stay in the Glass Pod while we do these things,"
Floyd said.  "Okay, it has to be this switch here."  He flipped the switch
and the first two Glass Pods began to glow a brilliant chartreuse.  Floyd turned
some knobs, threw a few levers, threw back a few shots of scotch, flipped some
switches, flipped off Joe Don I (who belched loudly in response), and stood
     After a few minutes, the light show ended.
     "Did it work?" Nelburg asked.  "Is Lark back in his real body now?"
     "Not yet," Floyd said.  "That was just to get the machine warmed up.  Just
wait'll we actually get started!"
     Floyd threw another switch.  Inside Glass Pod Two, Melu Ulem's head began
to glow, and Lark started whimpering.  All of a sudden, the glow leapt out of
Melu's head, did a loop-de-loop (not to be confused with a roop roop roop) and
settled into the real body of Lark Purree.  Lark staggered about a bit, finally
leaning against the glass wall.  Melu's body, meanwhile, collapsed to the floor.
     Sean threw open the door and charged out of Glass Pod Three, popping no
less than six party balloons on his way to Glass Pod One.  He opened the door
and helped Lark out.
     "Lark?" he asked.  "Did it work?  Are you in there?"
     "It... worked..." Lark said.  "Ow."  Sid and Johnny, his sideburns, gleeped
cheerfully.  "It's... good to be home."
     "Look!" Jerriphrrt exclaimed.  "Something's happening to Melu's body!"
     "It's spontaneously combusting!" Beauregard noted.  "Whad'ya think of that,
     *Oh, do I get a line here?* Lewis asked.
     "Crackle crackle crackle," went the fire, as it turned Melu's body into
ashes, which quickly disappeared into nothingness.
     "Wow," Nelburg said, "she may have been an agent of Hell, Inc, but she
sure cleans up after herself!"
     Benjen landed on the hull of Near Space Three, near the bridge.  The
section of the former space station he was standing on jutted out from
downtown Freeport at a ninety degree angle, and Benjen was able to make his
way into the bridge through one of the shattered viewports.
     "Hi, Benjen!" Tarrfel called.  "What brings you up here?"
     "Bored," Benjen said.  "Have you found any way to get us out of here?"
     "Well, we found a teletransporter," Tarrfel said, "but its damaged --
it'll take a while to fix.  Even so, we'd need to drop out of warp before we
could use it."
     "What would we need to get this place to drop out of warp?" Benjen asked.
"Colliding with things only makes us go faster."
     "That is due to the pseudoscientific properties of the pseudoscience
bubble Freeport is encased in," Bata said, as he emerged from under a pile of
bridge components.  "I have determined that the pseudoscience bubble that
holds us captive can only be disrupted by an exactly measured and prepared
mixture consisting of a fifty-mile wide Baked Pastry Shell, 176,000 cups of
water, 117,333 cups of lime juice, 264,000 cups of sugar, 352,000 tablespoons
of unflavored gelatin, 704,000 eggs, 1,408,000 to 1,760,000 drops of green
food coloring, 352,000 teaspoons grated lime peel, 704,000 tablespoons sugar,
and 352,000 cups of whipped cream."
     Benjen blinked.
     "Um, Bata, correct me if I'm mistaken, but what you've just described
would be equivalent to a fifty-mile wide key lime pie."
     "That's right," Bata said, nodding.
     "And it's the only thing that could stop this," Benjen said.
     "That's right," Bata replied.  "Of course, 'stop,' in this instance should
be interpreted as 'cause to blow up.'"
     "Hmmm, well that's not good," Benjen sighed.
     "I knew you'd say that," Bata told him.
     "I didn't say it, I sighed it," Benjen said.
     "I knew you'd say that, too."
     "Don't mind him," Tarrfel said.  "Why don't we head back down to the
surface?  It's just about lunchtime."
     "Sure," Benjen replied.  "Say, if the teletransporter isn't working,
and nothing else is working, why have you been spending so much time up
     "This is where we hid The Object," Tarrfel explained.  "Since no one
ever visited the bridge since they moved the control functions to Quirk's bar,
it was the perfect place to hide it.  Only the damage and the debris is making
it difficult to find."
     "What, Bata can't locate it for you?" Benjen asked, amused.
     "I knew you'd mock me," Bata said, bitterly.
     "Let me help you search," Benjen said.  Tarrfel nodded, and Benjen
started rummaging through the nearest pile of debris.  "What is this Object
supposed to be?"
     "The Book of Sfstory," Tarrfel told him.
     "The what?"
     "It's a book called The Book of Sfstory," Tarrfel explained.  "It contains
everything that's happened in Sfstory since the very beginning."
     "Oh, you mean like the logs?" Benjen asked.  "You know, you can ftp them
     "Well, kind of," Tarrfel said, "except that the Book is the literal word
of Sfstory.  It used to be kept in Heaven until it was stolen..."
     "You stole it from Heaven?" Benjen asked.  "Wow."
     "No, I stole it from whoever it was who stole it from Heaven," Tarrfel
said.  "Now, you see, the thing about the Book is that whoever has it can
control Sfstory, by writing in their own version of events and changing things
they didn't like."
     "And you're going to sell it to G.X.P. Varneyloop?!?" Benjen asked,
startled.  "That's insane!"
     "What can I say?" Tarrfel asked.  "I live for the moment, without concern
for the long-reaching consequences of my actions."
     "I found it!" Bata announced.  He held up a largeish cardboard box which
was crudely marked with the words 'The Object.'"
     "You know, if that's really The Book, we can use it to write ourselves
out of here!" Benjen said.  "Lemme see that."
     "No you don't!" Tarrfel told him.  "You want it, you beat Varneyloop's
offer.  Let's go down to the surface -- there we can talk it over."
     "Okay," Benjen sighed.  "You win."
     Mapa Marbles, aka Time Agent 173, gasped as the Ninja Taxi approached
the gargantuan warship.  It looked ancient, but the weapons that bristled
from its hull were definitely modern.  Someone had given the ship a major
overhaul, which meant major galactic credits.
     She wished she could send a message to Floyd, but it was impossible
in the closed quarters of the Ninja Taxi.  But once aboard the ship, it would
be easy to find a place to be alone for a few minutes.
     "Not bad, huh?" Sajanseel Boudoir asked.  "My allies know how to travel
in style, even on a limited budget."
     "Limited budget?" Mapa asked.  "That weaponry looks very modern to
     "Well, yes," Boudoir said.  "But that weaponry was purchased at the
expense of a few other niceties..."
     "Such as?" Zen Navigator inquired.
     "Indoor plumbing," Boudoir said.  "Though we do have an outhouse
attached to the hull.  Oh, and our television only picks up one channel,
sometimes.  But aside from that..."
     "Forget I asked," Mapa said.  Instead, she watched as the warship
loomed larger and larger.  The Ninja Taxi sailed into the hangar bay and
touched down, with Boudoir gently applying the brakes until the Taxi
came to a stop.  They got out, with Boudoir aiming his laser pistol at
     They proceeded to the bridge in silence, which saved me the necessity
of coming up with dialogue for the rest of the transition portion of the
     "Hello, we're here!" Boudoir called, when they reached the bridge.
     "Have you brought Zen Navigator, Boudoir?" a motherly voice asked.
     "Yes, mom," Boudoir said.  "I also brought another ally, Mapa Marbles."
     "You didn't discuss this with us beforehand," a dark, sinister voice
groused.  "What's the big idea?"
     "There wasn't time," Boudoir replied.  "Besides, I don't have to discuss
anything with you.  I'm *running* this show."
     "He makes a good point," Zen noted.
     "No one asked you!" Boudoir shouted.
     "Don't shout, Sajanseel, dear," the motherly voice said.  "Now that we
have Zen, we can find where Logan got to, isn't that right?"
     "Yes," Boudoir said.  "Why don't you come out into the light, so I can
introduce you?"
     Three figures, one very large and very violent-looking, one medium-size
and mildly threatening in appearance, and one on the short side and not-at-all-
threatening-looking.  The short, non-threatening one introduced herself first.
     "I'm Priscilla Fussbonnet," she said.  "I'm sure you've heard of me."
     "I remember you from the last time you tried to take over Time Central,"
Mapa said.  "I'm... um... pleased to make your acquaintance."
     "This, of course, is my other son, Greez Hyperiok," Fussbonnet said,
indicating the large, violent looking man behind her.  Mapa gasped -- Hyperiok
was known throughout the universe as the one living thing, sentient or not,
who was more violent and more stupid than Zark Flyby.  She understood why
Boudoir had left Zark behind.
     "Hey," Greez growled.
     "And this is former Satanic-Agent-at-Large Di'jon Mu'tard," Fussbonnet
continued, indicating the medium-size guy.  "He doesn't have his cosmic powers
anymore, but he's still an effective evil mastermind.  Aren't you, Di'jon?"
     "Whatever," Di'jon said.  "Well, new gal, whaddya think?"
     "Keen!" Zen Navigator answered.
     "I was asking her!" Di'jon yelled.
     "Sorry," Zen said.
     "I think it's... very nice," Mapa said.  "It was a long ride to get here...
I have to use the facilities."
     "Sure," Fussbonnet replied.  "Greez, show her where the spacesuits are."
     "Yes, mom."
     "What happened?" Ayn asked.  "Did we win?"
     "Yes, we did," Marx said.  "Apparently a New England town crossed with
a Bore-an spaceship protected by a powerful pseudoscience bubble came barrelling
along at Warp Four and collided with the P.L.S. Tell-Tale Heart.  Near as we
can tell, the Tell-Tale Heart was either destroyed or was carried along for the
ride.  Either way, it is gone."
     "Great!" Ayn exclaimed.  "Where are we headed to now?"
     "Now--wait a minute," Lenin said.  "What happened to your lame accent?"
     "What accent?" Ayn asked.
     "Never mind," Lenin said.  "To answer your question, we're heading nowhere
at the moment, because one of us on board sabotaged the fuel line."
     "The question, of course, is who is the saboteur," Nootgingitch said,
looking around ominously at the others, "and who is he or she working for?"
     "For Satan, obviously," Ragnuruk said.  "Why else would the saboteur
arrange for us to run out of fuel so that we could be recaptured by the Tell-
Tale Heart?"
     "It wasn't us," Cardinal Hagen said, indicating himself and Cardinal
Van Cleef.  "We were on the rack being tortured at the time.  Marx and
Nootgingitch can attest to that."
     "Unless they're in on it too," Trotsky noted.  "There's no reason there
can't be more than one saboteur."
     ((This discussion is useless,)) BRENDA interjected.  ((Within hours, you'll
be running out of oxygen -- one of the Tell-Tale Heart's shots put the life
support system out of commission.))
     "Are there any ships in the area?" Viol asked.
     ((Checking... none that I can perceive,)) BRENDA said.  ((Though I'm
picking up some strange readings just off our port side.  It could be a
cloaked ship.))
     "Send a distress call to it," Ayn suggested.  "Ask them to give us a
     ((Working,)) BRENDA replied.  ((Transmitting message.  Switching to port-
side monitor.))
     The image of the rear view of the ship disappeared, to be replaced by
the portside view, just in time to see the large, gleaming, extremely gaudy
ship decloak.
     "Now *that* is excessive," Cardinal Van Cleef muttered.
     ((The ship is moving closer,)) BRENDA said.  ((Still no reply signal.))
     "Something's opening up in the side of the ship!" Marx pointed out.
     "It looks like a hangar deck," Lenin added, "but it's so huge!"
     ((Looks like we have no choice but to accept their offer,)) BRENDA
said.  ((Everyone strap yourselves in -- I've got just enough left to maneuver
us to a landing.))
     The H.M.S. Shannon II disappeared inside the belly of the much larger, much
fancier ship, and the hangar bay doors closed behind it.  The flashy ship
     "Yeeeee-hah!" Kalvin exclaimed as the rays of the sun began to poke their
way above the horizon.  "Looks like we're home free!"
     "You've been saying that for the past six hours," Gham noted, as she
swerved to avoid a rabbit on the road.  "They're probably still trying to
figure out what happened."
     "Faster!" Lisa Bonet cheered.
     "Going as fast as I can go, dear," Gham called back.
     "You know, I'm not so sure she's really Lisa Bonet," Kalvin said.  "For
one thing, her body was hit by a weird beam of light before that demon could
upload her soul, and I don't think the demon ever got around to making another
try.  For another, she's a lot less obnoxious than I heard she was."
     "Pretty," Lisa replied.
     "Look at me," Kalvin told her.  "What is your name?"
     "Name?" Lisa asked.
     "Yeah," Kalvin said.  He pointed to himself and said "Kalvin Certain."
He pointed to Gham and said "Gham."  Then he pointed to Lisa and raised an
     "Butterfly!" Lisa exclaimed.
     "I don't think so," Kalvin replied.  "What's your *name*?"
     "Name?" Lisa asked.  "Oh!  My name is Logan!"
     "That's an interesting name... um... Logan," Gham said.  "Can you tell us
how you got into Lisa Bonet's body?"
     "Butterfly!" Logan replied.
     "Back to the butterfly again," Kalvin said.  "It's probably useless to ask
right now -- she, or he, is obviously insane."
     "Don't be so judgemental," Gham said, scoldingly.
     "Hey, I'm just calling them as I--look out!"
     Gham turned her attention to the road and gasped at the Space Toaster that
was partially imbedded in the road directly in front of her.  She tried to
swerve, but at the speeds she was travelling at, a collision was inevitable.
     "Crash!" is what it sounded like.
     The Toaster/sportscar skidded for nearly a hundred meters beyond where
the Toaster had crashed before everything came to a halt.  When it did, Kalvin
checked Gham and Lisa to be sure they were all right, then looked up at the
giant toaster that was now a permanent fixture on the car hood.
     "Wait... I know that Toaster!" Gham exclaimed.
     A door in the side of the Toaster opened, and two beings, one an insectoid
type being who looked very incensed, the other a headless man who had a
Harmonica affixed to his person, stumbled out.
     "Hello," Quooth said.  "I am Quooth, and this is Niccolo Machiavelli,
inhabiting the body of the deceased Governor Schlub."
     "Gham?" Machiavelli asked.  "Finally, a friend I can count on!  This
Wzaxtil is insane!  He's been tormenting me for days -- you've got to save me!"
     "What the deceitful one says is not true," Quooth protested.  "He has
stolen my Holy Harmonica, and I have been fighting with him to reobtain it."
     "Now just hold on, both of you," Gham told them.  "Let me hear the full
story from both of yo--"  An explosion in the desert sand near her car caused
her to dive for cover.  Kalvin did the same, though Logan just turned around
and waved.
     Kalvin raised his binoculars and peered at the road behind him.  There
was a large dust cloud in the distance, and twenty vehicles approaching
     "It's the inhabitants of Resurrection, Kansas," he said, angrily.  "They've
been following us in heavily armed hovertanks!  If we don't get out of here on
the double, we're dead!"
     "But the car won't move!" Gham protested.  "And it doesn't look like the
Toaster will fly anymore."
     "Whee!" Logan gurgled.
     "So now you know the situation," Floyd Cobalt said, grimly.  "We have to
reach Logan before Sajanseel Boudoir does.  If Boudoir reaches him first,
there's no telling what could happen."
     "He could fool Zark again," Landorian noted.  Zark bristled.
     "I believe that Logan knows many secrets about Time Central, secrets
thought lost forever with his demise," Floyd said.  "The information he gives
them could make it possible for them to take over Time Central, and that must
not happen."
     "But how could he give them any information?" Nelburg asked.  "According
to the videotapes, Logan's a vegetable now.  He's harmless."
     "Now, perhaps," Floyd said.  "But if he's found a new body, one whose
brain matter isn't damaged, it's possible he may regain his mind.  Time, as
you can tell, is of the essence.  And all we know is that the mind transference
beam was directed to the planet Earth, and that the transfer was a success."
     "Well, that narrows it down a bit," Jerriphrrt said.
     "Jerriphrrt, Slithis, Beauregard, Lewis, Joe Don I," Floyd spoke, "you
are civilians, who ordinarily would not be part of a Heroic Space Mission such
as this.  But you're familiar with many of the details of this mission, and if
we encounter Zen Navigator, it's far more likely that he will trust you than
us.  So, if you're willing, I will deputize you as Temporary Time Agents, and
include you on the mission.  Do you accept?"
     "We need Zen to track down Emma, James, and Gham," Jerriphrrt noted.  "Yes,
I accept."
     "So do I," Slithis said.
     "Just keep the Schlitz coming and I'm your man," Joe Don I told Floyd.
     "Might as well," Beauregard said.  "There's nothing to do around here."
     *You've got that right,* Lewis spoke.  *Sign me up.*
     "Good," Floyd said.  "I'll see that you fill out the proper forms before
we leave.  Ninja Taxi-Cab Driver, who is currently in our brig, will also be
accompanying, as it's his vehicle that was taken.  Now, let me introduce you
to the rest of the crew.  Nelburg Kayak and Lark Purree you already know."
     "S'right," Nelburg said.
     "Yep," Lark added.  Sid and Johnny gleeped.
     Floyd pressed a button on his desk.  "Sarah, send the rest of them in."
     The door opened, and more Time Agents filed in.
     "Time Agents Bahbneu Haht, Saran Scone, Hullen Nel, Sabrina Sanders,
     "Lisa Bonet!" Jerriphrrt, Slithis, Beauregeard, Lewis, and Joe Don I
exclaimed, jumping up and pointing with anguish.  "Nooooooo!"
     "I am *not* Lisa Bonet!" the Time Agent who looked like Lisa Bonet
protested.  "My name is Thelona Wyndingrode, Time Agent 999."
     "Thelona gets a bit touchy about her celebrity resemblence," Floyd pointed
out.  "With good reason."
     "I see," Jerriphrrt said.  "When do we leave?"
     "In six hours," Floyd replied.  "That's how long it will take to get my
ship, the H.M.S. Nothing Like The Sun ready.  Once we take off, Sean Landorian
will take over as Acting Chief of Time Central until I or Ian gets back."
     "Nothing Like The Sun?" Slithis asked.
     "Yes," Floyd said.  "It was so named to point out that it is a completely
different ship than Ian Lockheed's ship, The Sun."
     *You don't say,* Lewis replied.
     "Four million!" G.X.P. Varneyloop shouted.  "And not a credit more!"
     "Five million!" Susan B. Anthony offered, confidently.
     "We had a deal, Tarrfel t'Krodkzik," Varneyloop noted.  "For four million
credits.  Are you a thief of your word or not?"
     "Nope," Tarrfel answered, cheerfully.  "Do I hear six million?"
     "Six million!" Varneyloop exclaimed.  "Damn you!"
     "Seven million," Susan said, nonchalantly.  Varneyloop glared at her, and
fumed.  His naming power had no effect on her, despite his persistant attempts.
Moreover, she could offer far, far more than he could -- Hell had deep pockets,
he heard.
     "Hey!" someone shouted.  The participants in the auction looked up and
saw Chatsia Slacks, Major Leer-a, and Morris Tanner heading up the walk, towards
the porch they were sitting on.
     "Didn't I kill you last episode?" Susan asked Morris.
     "The pseudoscience bubble don't let us die," Morris explained.  "Otherwise
most of the townsfolk would'a killed themselves or each other by now."
     "Then we can't get out of here and back to Hell through death," Susan
sighed.  Varneyloop smiled.  Hell might have deep pockets, but they were
faraway deep pockets, and he had four million credits on him.
     "Four million," Varneyloop said.
     "You said six million earlier!" Gham protested.
     "But I've only got four million on me," Varneyloop pointed out.  "Susan
has nothing on her -- she was counting on being able to get back to Hell with
the Book right after you handed it to her."
     "The long-range sensors have picked up an object directly in our path,"
Slacks told them.  "At our present speed, we'll hit it in three hours.  As
far as we can determine, it's a fifty-mile wide Key Lime Pie."
     "Gee, what're the chances of that happening?" Benjen asked, sarcastically.
     "Should I scream now?" Kissy Hitowers asked.
     "Save your voice until the last ten minutes," Benjen suggested.
     "Forget the auction," Varneyloop said.  "Open the box up and take the
Book out.  We can write ourselves out of this deathtrap and continue the
auction somewhere else."
     "We should do as he suggests," Bata said.
     "Alright," Tarrfel said, opening up the box.  "Here it is."  She reached
in and pulled out... a shoe.
     "Er," Leer-a said, "that doesn't look much like a book."
     "I don't believe it," Tarrfel said, looking into the now empty box, then
back at the shoe.  "It was the Book of Sfstory when I put it in here!  Someone
must have stolen the Book from me!"
     "In that case," Varneyloop replied, "I withdraw my offer.  Enjoy your
     "There's writing on one side of it," Morris noted.  "What's it say?"
     "It says," Tarrfel read, "'The Plot.'"
     Everyone on the porch sat or stood for several moments, stunned.
     "You mean..." Benjen breathed.
     "Can it be?" Kissy asked.
     "After twenty-five episodes," Susan continued.
     "We've finally found the plot?!?!?!" everyone chorused.
The answers to these questions will have to wait a while, as "Renegade
Anarchists III," the series, is over.  But never fear, "Renegade Anarchists
IV" will be coming this fall to... SFSTORY!  A wholly-owned subsidiary of...
Gary W. Olson         swede at         swede at drycas.bitnet
Date:         Mon, 16 Oct 1995 23:58:29 -0400
From:         strange days indeed (swede at SOJOURN1.SOJOURN.COM)
Subject:      SF: Renegade Anarchists Character Guide and Beverage Cart

     Hail and well met, fans of SFSTORY!  The time is upon us (okay, *me*)
once again to take up the mantle, throw down the gauntlet, grab the bull by
the cahoneys and stare death in the tushie!  That's right... the Renegade
Anarchists have returned!
     A highly detailed and comprehensive synopsis of the Plot will be
included in the first episode of Renegade Anarchists IV.  For now, let's do
a brief recap of the many colorful characters who appeared in the previous
series, Renegade Anarchists III:

ALEXANDER BERKMAN -- Early 20th century anarchist rescued from prison by
     Kalvin Certain.  Later died after wandering into the Meat Department
     of the Planet of Supermarkets.

AYN RAND - Author of _The Fountainhead,_  _Atlas Shrugged,_ _Zeus Tangoed,_
     and other exercises in literary masochism.  Escaped from the P.L.S.
     Tell-Tale Heart in the H.M.S Shannon II, along with assorted Marxists
     and College Republicans.  Currently on a mysterious, flashy cloaked
     ship, along with the rest of the crew of the Shannon II.

BAHBNEU HAHT - A Time Agent who was part of the conspiracy to re-install
     Logan as Chief of Time Central, though it's believed he only attended
     the meetings for the free booze.  Looks exactly like Bob Newhart.
     Currently part of mission to capture Sajanseel Boudoir.

BATA - Extremely sagacious and smug old man who failed to pass his
     omniscience test by one question.  He's married to Tarrfel t'Krodkzik,
     and is her partner in her schemes.  Currently stuck on a structure
     that is part Near Space Three, part Freeport, Maine, and part PLS
     Tell-Tale Heart, which is only hours away from being destroyed by a
     five-mile wide key lime pie.

BEAUREGARD - A small, sentient pink elephant who was on Barbados, Planet of
     Physical Delights, when he and Lewis got matterswung into a
     mysterious, somewhat pointless pocket dimension.  Temporarily
     deputized by Floyd Cobalt, part of the mission to capture Sajanseel

BENJEN - One of the Renegade Anarchists, a Hottentottian from the Superguy
     altiverse.  Currently trapped on Near Heart Freeport, under shadow of
     a pie.

BENNETT QUARK - Genius mad scientist who once tried to take over Hell with
     the help of Omegas.  For a while, he was on the Board of Hell, Inc,
     but after Satan dissolved the Board, he was demoted.  Currently being
     threatened by the enormous spacegoing pie.

BING VON SPLEEN - Earth's foremost spamologist (because he killed the other
     threemost) and patron saint of drug abuse.  He authored the book _How
     to Build an ABPSARI From Materials You Find Around the House,_ which
     Joe Don I used to construct an ABPSARI out of beer cans.

BIN SHISHKABOB - Commander of Near Space Three.  Endangered by pie.

BLOB - Security Chief and Drink Mixer of Near Space Three, until it was
     hit by Freeport, Maine.  He, *too*, is endangered by the pie, if you
     can believe that.

BRENDA - Lark Purree's AI.  She wasn't supposed to be included on Lark's
     mission to Earth, but Lark smuggled her aboard in his calculator and
     downloaded her into the H.M.S. Shannon II's computer banks.  The
     ABPSARI-generated explosion sent the Shannon II through a space warp
     and put Cardinals Van Cleef and Hagen on the bridge, just in time to
     be captured by the PLS Tell-Tale Heart.  Currently aboard the flashy,
     cloaked ship.

CARDINAL HAGEN - A Catholic Cardinal who was teleported onto the bridge of
     the HMS Shannon II by an ABPSARI-generated explosion.  He was rescued
     from Bennett Quark's scientific testing methods by Marx and
     Nootgingitch, and is now on board the flashy, mysterious ship.

CARDINAL VAN CLEEF - Same as Cardinal Hagen.

CERULEAN BRAZIER - Chief Medical Officer of Near Space Three.  He's widely
     considered to be the most important person on the station, since only
     he can write the prescriptions.  Carries a hypo-spray filled with
     hallucinogenic chemicals, which he uses whenever he's in danger of
     getting hassled by the industrial-military complex.  Threatened by
     mammoth rogue dessert entree.  (I'm getting sort of tired of saying
     that, as you can probably tell).

CHATSIA SLACKS - Science Officer of Near Space Three.  Pie, etc, etc.

DAMMIT - Morris Tanner's dog.  See pie.

DAN - Dan used to be an average college student, until by a series of
     fortituous plot contrivances, he arrived on Nympho Beach in
     Netherspace, and decided to conduct experiments to find out how much
     continuous sex he could have until he grew a third leg.  When
     encountered by Slithis, Beauregard, Lewis, Sid, Johnny, and Megabot
     years later, he was a member of Club Nympho's staff, and had three

DI'JON MU'TARD - Former cosmically-powerful agent of Satan T. Lucifer
     Jones, now not-so-powerful-but-still-nefarious ally of Sajanseel
     Boudoir.  Working with him to locate Logan, with whom they can take
     over Time Central.

EDGAR ALLEN POE - Nominally, the Captain of the PLS Tell-Tale Heart, though
     you'd have difficulty discerning that, as he's so easily bullied by
     J. Edgar Hoover and Susan B. Anthony.  See note on pie.

ELDERMAIS SCHLUB - See Niccolo Machiavelli.  Do *not* see pie.

EMMA GOLDMAN - 19th century anarchist, one of the Renegade Anarchists.
     Benjen, Slithis, and Jerriphrrt are searching for her, James Dean, and
     Gham, after her mysterious disappearance from Barbados, Planet of
     Physical Delights.  Her current whereabouts are unknown.

FLOYD COBALT - The acting chief of Time Central while Ian Lockheed is out.
     Floyd looks like (and is) a big blue turtle.  Leader of team going
     after Sajanseel Boudoir.

GHAM - A native and sacrafice-designee from planet Karma Chameleon II, Gham
     joined the Renegade Anarchists and got engaged to Jerriphrrt.  She was
     matterswung away from Barbados, Planet of Physical Delights, where the
     Renegade Anarchists were holding a pre-wedding celebration, and was
     later found by Kalvin Certain in a comic book artists school on Earth.
     A group of mutant midwesterners in hovertanks are now attempting to
     kill her.

GOD - The Big Guy.  He's ordered Joe Don I to oppose Satan's plans to
     smuggle Spam to Earth, and occasionally visits Joe Don I to talk to
     him, while in the form of a can of Schlitz beer.

GORDON MILANAR - An assistant manager of the Planet of Supermarkets.

GRAND HIGH SPATULA - Former ruler of the Chaotic Bastion of Silliness.  He
     and the Omnipotent Eggbeater sold all of their possessions to extend
     their stay at Nympho Beach in Netherspace after Quooth stole their
     Space Toaster.

GREEZ HYPERIOK - The only living thing in the altiverse that is more
     violent and more stupid than Zark Flyby.  Allied with Sajanseel

G.X.P. VARNEYLOOP THE LXVII - One of the most famous P.R. men in the
     galaxy, as well as a former Time Agent.  Uses his Naming abilities to
     get others to do his bidding.  Kissy Hitowers believes he was
     responsible for her father's disappearance, but he denies this.  Is
     now menaced by big green fluffy thing with whipped topping.

G.X.P. DRONE - A robotic double from the waist up, the drone was stationed
     in Kissy Hitowers home to take her calls from Interstellar University
     while it continued its search for The Object.  When Kissy, Slithis,
     Benjen, and Jerriphrrt showed up looking for the missing Renegade
     Anarchists, the drone matterswung them to different planets.

HENRY - the mailman of Freeport, Maine.  Pie.

HOURUS JEBILLIP - Former con man, former member of Hell, Inc's Board of
     Directors, formerly serving in an ambigous command capacity on the PLS
     Tell-Tale Heart, under Susan B. Anthony's command, now menaced by that
     **#$! pie.

HULLEN NEL - A Time Agent who, like Bahbneu Haht, was in on the conspiracy
     to reinstall Logan as Chief of Time Central for the free drinks.
     Looks exactly like Chevy Chase, which explains his inability to score
     with Time Agent Saran Scone.  Part of team on their way to capture
     Sajanseel Boudoir.

JAMES DEAN - A synthezoid that looks amazingly like James Dean.  The real
     James Dean, of course, was the OmniDean, and he had these armies of
     synthezoids and, well, they died, except for this one.  So for all
     intents and purposes, this one's the only James Dean left.  Which may
     not mean much, since he's gone missing, along with Emma Goldman.

J. EDGAR HOOVER - Former FBI Chief, former Chief of Coversion for Hell
     before it was a corporation, went on to serve in an ambiguous command
     capacity aboard the PLS Tell-Tale Heart, under Susan B. Anthony's
     command.  His  primary duty seems to be to accuse Edgar Allen Poe and
     anyone else who happens into his line of sight of harboring communist
     sympathies.  Looks stunning in an evening gown.  *Also* menaced by the
     (probably communist) pie.

JERRIPHRRT - One of the original Renegade Anarchists, originally from the
     Superguy altiverse.  He's a Calican (an alien humanoid who resembles a
     cat, complete with tail), and is part of the team hunting for
     Sajanseel Boudoir.

JOE DON I - The Pope.  No, really.  He was given a mission by God to
     prevent Satan from smuggling spam to Earth, so Satan sent a Time
     Central trained succubus to Earth, Melu Ulem, to kill him, only Joe
     Don I built an ABPSARI out of Schlitz cans after reading Dr. Bing Von
     Spleen's book and wound up in Zen Navigator's van, which subsequently
     wound up on Nympho Beach.  Hunting for Sajanseel Boudoir, when not
     drinking Schlitz.

JOHNNY - One of Lark Purree's sentient sideburns.

KALVIN CERTAIN - Formerly a foppish pirate, now an extremely suave
     smuggler, thanks to GXP Varneyloop's naming abilities.  Currently with
     Gham, in the sights of the mutant residents of Resurrection, Kansas.

KARL MARX - Famous dead communist and escapee from Hell on the HMS Shannon
     II, currently on board the mysterious cloaked ship.

KISSY HITOWERS - A senior Space Ingenue Major at Interstellar University,
     she was on Barugon B getting threatened and drooled at by the evil
     Governor Schlub as part of her senior project when Jerriphrrt,
     Slithis, and Benjen rescued her.  Through all that subsequently
     happened to her and around her, she primarly screamed at mind-numbing
     decibels.  Also threatened by that pie.

LARK PURREE (TIME AGENT 90210) - Time Agent assigned to take Time Central
     Special Operations Agent Melu Ulem to Earth.  Melu seduced him and
     took his soul, but after the ABPSARI explosion that hurtled Melu to a
     far away planet, Lark found he had control of Melu's succubus body,
     with Melu nowhere in evidence.  He has since regained his body and is
     now part of the team that is hunting Sajanseel Boudoir.

LEER-A NO-RASH - Bore-an first officer on the former Near Space Three, and
     an  old acquantiance of G.X.P. Varneyloop.  Yes, you guessed it, pie.

LENIN - See description for Karl Marx.

LEWIS - Disembodied voice that hangs around with Beauregard a lot.
     Currently accompanying the quest to capture Sajanseel Boudoir.

LISA BONET - See Logan.

LOGAN - Former chief of Time Central who was returned from Hell, Inc, to
     Sajanseel Boudoir's office after a few dozen lobotomies.  Managed to
     escape by outwitting Zark (not difficult, even for Logan) and got
     mind-transferred into Lisa Bonet's recently resurrected body on Earth.
     (We should stress, at this point, that Lisa Bonet is still completely
     dead in 001SFSTORY (and alive but out of work in 000REALLIFE)).
     Currently menaced by mutants in hovertanks.

MAPA MARBLES (TIME AGENT 173) - Time Agent who is working undercover for
     Floyd Cobalt by being part of Sajanseel Boudoir's conspiracy to take
     over Time Central.  Currently with Boudoir, Hyperiok, Fussbonnet and
     Mu'Tard, looking for Logan.

MEGABOT - Heavily armed robot who adventured with Kalvin Certain for a
     while before getting left behind on Nympho Beach in Netherspace.

MELU ULEM - A succubus from Hell sent to be trained in Special Operations
     tactics by Time Central.  Was sent to Earth by Satan T. Lucifer Jones
     and Sajanseel Boudoir to assassinate Joe Don I.  She consumed Lark
     Purree's soul on the trip there, only to have him take over the body
     as part of the reality-altering effects of the ABPSARI explosion.  Her
     body dissolved when Lark left it, and there's no record of where her
     consciousness went.

MILAGRO BEKN'KSE - Former con man, former Board Member of Hell, Inc, former
     butler for Satan T. Lucifer Jones, former member of Susan B. Anthony's
     command staff, current target of spacegoing pie.

MORRIS TANNER - Resident of Freeport, Maine, who was advised that his town
     was hurtling through space at Warp Two, and was heard to remark that
     it explained some things.  Pie, pie, pie, pie, pie...

MUTANT MOLLY - One of the mutants threatening Gham, Kalvin Certain, Quooth,
     Niccolo Machiavelli, and Logan.

NELBURG KAYAK (TIME AGENT 904) - Was impersonating a priest on an out of
     the way planet, apparently being punished by Sajanseel Boudoir for
     winning a card game.  Looks like Jaye Davidson, and has a ship named
     the H.M.S. Crying Game.  Currently part of the team hunting for
     Sajanseel Boudoir.

NICCOLO MACHIAVELLI - Former Renegade Anarchist believed transcended to a
     higher dimension, currently residing in the headless body of the late
     Governor Eldermais Schlub.  Has Quooth's Holy Harmonica, and is being
     threatened by mutants.

NINJA TAXI-CAB DRIVER - Implacable foe of Zen Navigator.  He kidnapped Zen
     from the Hotel Nympho and took him to Time Central due to the reward
     Time Central has offered to have Zen brought in.  Sajanseel took Zen
     with him and had Zark beat Ninja Taxi-Cab Driver up.  Now in the brig
     of Floyd Cobalt's ship, the H.M.S. Nothing Like the Sun.

NOOTGINGITCH - Not-at-all-famous dead native of Karma Chameleon whose name
     just happens to sound like that of a famous living capitalist
     dickweed.  Currently aboard the flashy cloaked ship.

OMNIPOTENT EGGBEATER - Former ruler of the Chaotic Bastion of Silliness.
     He and the Grand High Spatula sold all of their possessions to extend
     their stay at Nympho Beach in Netherspace after Quooth stole their
     Space Toaster.

PRISCILLA FUSSBONNET - Once tried to take over Time Central with the help
     of her son, Greez Hyperiok.  Now she, Greez, and her other son,
     Sajanseel Boudoir, are hunting for Logan.

QUIRK - A Feren Guy bartender on the doomed Near Space Three who was
     negotiating with Tarrfel t'Krodkzik for The Object when G.X.P.
     Varneyloop showed up on the station.  Now threatened by that damn pie.

QUOOTH - A Wzaxtil who is on a grand quest for something that phe'll know
     when phe sees it.  Carried a Holy Harmonica around until Machiavelli
     stole it and made it into a voicebox.  Threatened by those pesky

RAGNURUK - Former native of Karma Chameleon II who escaped from the PLS
     Tell-Tale Heart on the H.M.S. Shannon II.  Now on board a mysterious,
     flashy ship.

REV'RND - Leader of the mutants.

SABRINA SANDERS - Time agent who looks distinctly like Shelly Winters.
     Part of the team tracking down Sajanseel Boudoir.

SAJANSEEL BOUDOIR - The guy everyone's trying to track down, the mastermind
     behind the plot to use Logan to take over Time Central, the guy who
     got Lark Purree into a heap of trouble, the guy who inexplicably left
     Zark Flyby in charge of Logan, the guy who's Priscilla Fussbonnet's
     other son, etc, etc.  He looks like John Saxon.

SARAN SCONE - Time agent who resembles Sharon Stone.  Part of the team
     tracking down Sajanseel Boudoir.

SATAN T. LUCIFER JONES - Prince of Darkness, C.E.O. and Chairman of Hell,
     Inc, and Duke of Smelly Feet.  He ordered Susan B. Anthony to go out
     and bring Pope Joe Don I back.

SEAN LANDORIAN - Time agent who resembles Billy Dee Williams.  Left in
     charge of Time Central while gobs of other characters went after
     Sajanseel Boudoir.

SID - one of Lark Purree's sentient sideburns.

SLIME JIM - One of the mutants.

SLITHIS - A reptilian humanoid from 000SUPERGUY, and one of the original
     Renegade Anarchists.  Currently part of the team tracking down
     Sajanseel Boudoir.

SUSAN B. ANTHONY - Executive in Charge of Plots to Dominate Sfstory for
     Hell, Inc.  Currently not faring too well, as she, too, is under the
     shadow of that omnipresent pie.

SYLVIA - One of the mutants.

TARRFEL T'KRODKZIK - The galaxy's greatest thief, who thought she had
     stolen the Book of Sfstory from whoever stole it from Heaven, but
     instead found that she had The Plot in her possession.  Pie.

THELONA WYNDINGRODE (TIME AGENT 999) - Time agent who resembles Lisa
     Bonet, and doesn't like to be reminded of that fact.  Currently
     hunting for Sajanseel Boudoir.

TOBY TANNER - Morris Tanner's underachieving son.  Threatened by the pie.

TROTSKY - One of those who escaped from the Tell-Tale Heart and is now on
     the cloaked ship.

VIOL - Another one of those.

ZARK FLYBY - Extremely violent.  Extremely stupid.  On the mission to track
     down Sajanseel Boudoir.  What more do you need to know?

ZEN NAVIGATOR - Just this guy.

     So, after having gone through that list, I'm sure that you, like many
SFSTORY readers, will conclude that there are just TOO MANY CHARACTERS IN
     Will something be done about it?  Read on, MacDuff!


SFSTORY.  A community tradition.
Gary W. Olson    swede at    swede at
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